i am currently reevaluating my relationship to sex and I was wondering: do you think the lover and you being so incredibly compatible is about luck, kink or communication? Or if its all three, which combination does the trick? I am wondering if this is something i can strive to find in sex with someone.
God. yeah. All three. The two of us have discussed it at great length, and have agreed that the secret sauce is that we were at the right place, at the right time, and being the right people. Or, as we also like to say to each other, we got lucky AND we work hard.
The right time and place (I moved 1.5 kilometres away from their house, and so they invited me over for dinner with their nesting partner a couple of times) was just luck. We'd been spending more time together, growing closer, had a cute movie night and went out to a sexy party with a group of friends where we both looked hot as shit and engaged in a little sensual play together in a group of friends. They asked "do you want to discuss our kink compatibility?" a few days later.
Part of us even finding our way to that invitation, was how we both live openly as horny, queer, kinky pervs, who are happy to talk about our sex lives with our friends. Many of the dinner hangs involved us talking about our interests, our dating lives, hinting at our kinks. Before they even hit on me, they had an inkling of what I was into (and I knew what they looked like in a g-string and mesh shirt), and that we might be compatible. So there was luck involved in the compatibility, but also that the invitation was offered after some of the compatibility was hinted at.
And then I turned up to our "let's talk kink" hangout with a notebook, and was as honest as I could be about what I was into. I've talked here about the development of a "no vanilla" boundary. I've spent too much time in my life having vanilla sex that was just like, fine, both professionally and personally, accidentally bringing in this idea that I had to earn the right to bring in my kinks by having "normal" sex for awhile first. But all that does is set you up for disappointment; you get yourself attached, invested and vulnerable, and finally when you say "I actually want to have sex THIS way," there is possibility for rejection, or deep incompatibility. I have learnt that if I LEAD with the fun kink shit that I want to do, then I won't waste my time or emotional investment in people that were never going to be able to meet me in my kinkiness in the first place!
Sure, there are plenty of tales of people falling in love and going "I'll try this for you," and learning to love it after they are connected. That's possible. But my kinks are very specific, sometimes divisive, and very IMPORTANT to me. If something that is an absolute MUST for me is a hard limit for them.... I don't want to find that out after I'm already in love with them. Sex and kink are an enduring deep interest of mine, and that needs to be reflected in my deep intimate connections.
So as to the luck/kink/communication question, the answer is yes. We were lucky to land into each other orbits when we did, we were lucky to have a lot in common, and we worked hard to be really honest and vulnerable about our desires so that we could dive in. We were also lucky to both be in our mid to late thirties, and have had TIME to figure out what we want and how to communicate about it. You didn't specifically ask for advice so I'm not going to harp on, but I hope that something in sharing my experience and process has been helpful for you, and I wish you the best of luck on your journey of self evaluation. I am sure there is someone with delightful freak out there that can match yours, and I hope you find them.
