I desperately need to see drunk Crowley and drunk Tenth Doctor trying to have a conversation Screw all the other crossovers just give me this
The Doctor was not much of a drinker, but let it not be said he didnât know how to party. That one time in France, for example, with Madame de Pompadour. There were other occasions where heâd drink socially, but he very rarely allowed himself to get drunk.
Hard to save the universe when youâre sloshed.
After losing Rose, however, and the subsequent rejection of Donna â whom heâd been very rude to, he had to admit, and he did feel a bit bad about that even though he thought he had a rather good excuse â had left him wanting. He didnât even bother trying to direct the TARDIS once he left Donna at her door. He just slumped against the console and finally allowed himself to cry.
He wasnât sure how long he was there â couldnât have been more than twenty minutes really â the TARDIS made a pained grinding sound and shuddered to a stop, knocking the Doctor fully to the ground.
âWhat-â he started, slowly pushing himself up to stare at the center column. âWhereâve we landed?â he sniffed, looking at the screen. It was black; not a good sign. At least the TARDIS wasnât flashing and making that awful noise it had been making when he, Micky, and Rose had originally gotten stuck in the other universe.
The TARDIS didnât respond â what a shock, really â so the Doctor pulled himself back together, checked to make sure he had his sonic, straightened his coat, and walked out the door.
It was very sunny; enough to make him squint. The Doctor stood there for a moment, blinking at his surroundings. He was very clearly somewhere in London, though he wasnât sure where.
âNice box youâve got there.â
The Doctor jumped, whipping around to see a man lounging against the side of the TARDIS, whose door was still partially open. The Doctor discretely pulled it closed the rest of the way, eyeing the stranger. He was tall and lanky and wore all black with a pair of sunglasses. In fact, he looked rather like-
âI didnât think demons had dopple-gangers,â the mysterious man said, pushing off the TARDIS and pacing around the Doctor, looking him up and down before stopping directly in front of him to stare into his eyes. âYouâve got human eyes, though,â he finished.
âYouâre ginger,â the Doctor said, âand nothing about me is human.â
The other man smiled, leaning back a bit. âOf course not,â he shoved his hands into his pockets, which seemed to be a feat given how tight his pants were. âNeither am I.â
The Doctor stared at his counterpart, trying to see past the glasses or get a read on what this man might want â or what he might be, if not human. He hadnât sensed sarcasm in the strangerâs words. âThe Doctor,â he finally said, offering his hand.
The other man considered it for a moment before accepting the handshake. âCrowley.â
They stared at each other a moment more before Crowley turned to look at the TARDIS again. âRather magnificent thing,â he said, stepping around it. âClearly not from here, but still.â
The Doctor wasnât sure how he felt about the scrutiny, but it gave him enough distraction to scan him with the sonic without being obvious.Â
âThat canât be right,â he muttered, staring at the screwdriver in confusion. âDemons donât exist.â
âDonât we now?â Crowley said, swinging back around to grin at him.  âAnd what, pray tell, are you?â
The Doctor jumped, guiltily tucking his sonic back into his pocket before straightening up. âIâm a Time Lord.â
âAre you?â Crowley hummed, looking back at the TARDIS and gently resting his hand on the wood. It felt fundamentally wrong to the Doctor for someone else to touch his TARDIS like that.
âWhat are you doing?â he asked.
âI was on my way back home for a drink,â Crowley said blithely, glancing over his shoulder at the Doctor. âCare to join me? My usual companion is otherwise engaged.â
The Doctor didnât flinch at the word companion, but it was a near thing. He glanced at the TARDIS doors, considering returning and moping about in misery in his typical fashion, but he finally just nodded. âCanât hurt.â
Many hours later and the Doctor wasnât sure whether to regret coming drinking or not. He had been mildly started when Crowley had taken off his glasses several drinks in to reveal incredibly serpentine eyes, but given everything heâd seen in space, he quickly recovered. âQuite lovely,â he said.
Crowley started and squinted at him, but just waved him off and refilled his glass again.
They talked about a lot of things, but it seemed they were in the same boat as far as their âcompanionsâ went. Both of them were in love â though neither said it â with someone they couldnât have. The Doctorâs⊠well she was gone. Beyond his reach, forever. The object of Crowleyâs affection was much closer and in fact with him on a regular basis, but apparently either completely blind, completely disinterested, or both.
So they got drunk. They got so very, very drunk. The topic turned to bananas (âDid you know I invented the Banana Daquiri?â) and gorillas, then to dolphins (âVery big brains, dolphins have!â âOh yes, very!â) and the boiling of the seas (âThatâs not really going to happen though.â âNo, because Aziraphale and I stopped it just last week-â). It was the drunkest the Doctor had ever been, he had to admit, but Crowley was still going. Besides, it was kind of nice to talk to someone else who knew what it was like to outlive most of your friends (the Doctor had finally accepted that Crowley appeared to be ageless, but he wasnât sure that âdemonâ was a word he was comfortable using).
âThe point isssss,â Crowley was nearly hissing now, which the Doctor found to be rather fascinating, âthe point isss, heâssss sssssuch an idiot,â he finished, waving his glass in the air and very nearly splashing his wine over the rim.
âHmm?â the Doctor asked, looking up.
âAziraphale! Heâsss⊠he gave away his sssssword, the blasssted fool!â he repeated. âHow could I not⊠after that? And and and and then-â he hiccupped. âAnd then the world nearly ends and we⊠what? Go back to normal? What even is normal?â
âMnuh,â the Doctor added helpfully.
âItssssss like⊠heâs a being of love, right? Heâs can sense it. Thereâs no way he doesnât know, right?â
The Doctor shrugged. âItâs been⊠hm⊠how long?â
Crowley groaned. âSix thousand years⊠Iâve been⊠since we met.â
âMmmmmmâŠ. Mmmaybe he just thinks thatâs what you feel like? If youâve⊠since the beginning I mean, he doesnât really have a frame of reference?â
The other manâs head lolled around so he could look at him, face skeptical.
The Doctor shrugged and took another drink.
He wasnât entirely sure when they finally stopped drinking, and he couldnât remember falling asleep, but what the Doctor was acutely aware of was the pounding headache he had when he woke up on the black couch in the center of the sparsely decorated flat.
âWelcome back,â Crowley said from the doorway as the Doctor sat up with a groan. He was wearing his glasses again.
âMm, yeah,â the Doctor said.
âRight. Allow me.â Crowley snapped, and the Doctorâs head cleared instantly, leaving him a tiny bit dizzy.
âDemon, remember?â the other man said before sauntering out of the room. âYouâre not a bad drinking buddy,â he called back.
âRight, yeah,â the Doctor mumbled, standing and stretching. âThanks.â  He stood awkwardly for a moment. He could only remember a few strains of their lengthy and mostly random conversation. âIâll just uh,â he swallowed, throat oddly dry. âIâll just be off, then.â
âYeah, see you around, Doctor,â came the reply from the other room.
The Doctor slipped out, though he stood still just outside the complex for a moment, glancing back up at the building, before sticking his hands in his pockets and walking away.
âCrowley dear!â the chipper man â who was supposedly an angel â said as the Doctorâs red-headed counterpart pulled up in front of the corner shop and opened his car door.
âGet in, angel,â he said, and his Aziraphale complied.
âYouâve changed your hair back,â he said as he closed the door.
âIt was all⊠brown, when you came in earlier. I commented on it, donât you remember?â
âBrownâŠ?â his eyebrows furrowed, they shot up as he twisted fully in the seat to stare at his companion. âWhat did I say, when I came in earlier?â
Aziraphale looked confused. âNot much; you just told me to- well,â his face colored. âIt was rather odd.â
âWhat did IÂ say?â Crowley sounded mildly panicked.
âWell, Crowley dear, you told me to⊠tune in, I suppose. And, well,â Aziraphale swallowed, gaze flicking dangerously close to where the Doctor was peeking around the corner. âWell, I suppose you were right. I really ought to tell you something rather important.â
Crowley didnât respond, just reached up and took his sunglasses off. The Doctor could see even from this distance that the yellow of his eyes had completely consumed any white that might have been there the night before.
âIâm afraid Iâve been quite blind, my dear,â Aziraphale continued bumbling, hands fluttering before him as if he wasnât sure what to do with them. âAnd, well, since all that nasty business with Armageddon is done with, I thought itâs about time I told youâŠâ his voice seemed to falter here.
âTell me what, angel?â Crowley asked, tone strained.
Aziraphale looked back up ag him, the color in his cheeks deepening. âI⊠I love you. Have done, for some time now.â
If the Doctor didnât know better, heâd have thought Crowley was about to pass out. As it was, a slow smile spread across the manâs face. âYou do?â
The Doctor turned to leave, but not before yellow eyes caught his and he froze in place. They held each otherâs gaze for a moment before the Doctor nodded once and made toward the TARDIS.
Turns out you could save the universe while Drunk after all. Well, in a manner of speaking. And even if Rose was beyond his reach⊠that didnât mean everybody else had to spend eternity alone too.