#asha writes

She trudged towards the city gates, her worldly possessions in a single burlap bag slung across her shoulder. It took some finessing to get it to stay on her shoulder; especially since she lost her left forearm. The phantom itch was unbearable at times; a salve of embrium and elfroot kept the itching at bay… for now. Unconsciously, she looked down to where her left hand would have been… it’s absence along with the telltale green glow that it emitted was still a sight she had trouble getting used to. But this… this was life now.

With another sigh thrown to the wind, Andreth Lavellan, the erstwhile leader of the Inquisition entered Wycome: the place where her clan had been massacred. All because she chose diplomacy with monsters who didn’t care.

Even after disbanding the Inquisition, Andreth had a modest amount of gold to her name. That ensured at least a good fortnight stay in a moderately good inn within the city.  The innkeeper had taken one look at the gold coin she slid across the table and passed her a key to the room with a toothy grin.

“Pleasure doing business with you, milady!” He crooned, before whistling for one of his boys to take her luggage, only to realize she didn’t have any that would require their help.

“I see that milady travels light! Are we to expect your luggage to arrive later? Should I have them place it in your room when it does?” his smile never waned.

“There is no need, serrah. I am expecting no carriage.” She said, her tone betraying the tiredness she felt.

All she wanted to do was to get to her room, fall flat onto whatever passed for a bed and sleep the rest of the day away.

Thankfully for her, they dallied no further and soon, Andreth stood in a room that looked and felt cleaner than most places in Wycome. A single bed with a seemingly clean sheet drawn over the mattress took the prime spot within the room. There was also a table, a dark wood dresser, a washstand and a few chairs scattered about. For the work she had in mind, this was more than comfortable.

Changing out of her travel leathers and into a simple linen shirt and woolen breeches, she locked her door and fell into the mattress, face first. It didn’t take her long to drift off into sweet sleepy oblivion. ---------------------------------------------------------------

2 Weeks prior – Skyhold

The Main Hall was a bustle of activity. There were crates and boxes everywhere. It felt like they were slowly peeling away the last coat of paint that this magnificent castle had acquired… almost an attempt at packing away what felt like the remnants of the Inquisition.

Andreth stood in the middle of it all, like a statue untouched by the movement around her. Her left arm, or what remained of it was concealed by the cloak she wore these days ostensibly to protect her from the winter cold that seemed to set into the Frostbacks. She climbs the stairs that she had climbed countless times before when she wanted to get to Leliana in her rookery. There was an easier, shorter way. But that meant she would have to step inside the rotunda. No… not now. She couldn’t afford to break apart when there was still so much to do.

Leliana stood there, in her usual spymaster’s garb instead of the Chantry liveries she had worn when she took on the mantle of the Divine. It was a miniscule thing, but Andreth was grateful. This made it seem easier to bear… it didn’t feel like the end of it all. An end that she had brought upon them, as she needed to remind herself often.

“Inquisitor!” Leliana called out to her, bringing her out of her reverie.

“I see that you are busy as always, your Eminence!”

“Please… Call me Leliana… I would very much like to remain so for as long as they would let me.”

The two women laughed, though there was a bittersweet undercurrent to their mirth. As the laughter died down to a companionable silence, Andreth observed her former spymaster take some of the rolled-up notes from the table to her birds, their last flight as messengers for the Inquisition.

“These are words of gratitude to all those who proved invaluable in our fight against Corypheus.” Leliana tied another missive to her bird before taking them to the open window of the rookery.

“I believe they are relieved we have disbanded…”

Leliana turned to Andreth, an undecipherable expression on her face.

“It is what you wanted, inquisitor.”

“Yes… And I hope the Divine Victoria agrees.” There was silence once more as Leliana regarded her with an indecipherable expression. Then, a shadow of a smile… one that held understanding and, was it sympathy?

“Nobody would fault you if you wanted to burn this place to the ground, Andreth. We’re only glad you’ve settled for disbanding.”

Andreth let out a mirthless laugh.

“There are many who are already ready with blame. For how I failed to see the traitor in our midst… On how my elven sentimentality is to blame for the dissolution of…what was it… the best answer to the Chantry and the Templar order.”

Her shoulders slumped as she sat on one of the many crates that littered the rookery. “I am tired, Leliana… I’ve given away so much of myself that I no longer know who I am.”

The former bard stepped closer, her face held understanding… and pity. Any other time, Andreth would have hated having pity thrown her way but now… she felt like the most pitiable soul south of the Waking Sea.

She felt the gentle hand on her shoulder before she heard Leliana’s soothing voice reply, “I know how that feels, Andreth. More than anyone else here.”

She looked up to regard the other woman and realization dawned on her that they are more alike than they care to admit. Herald and Divine, both had lost parts of themselves to become an Icon… an idea more than a person.

“I am sorry that the world asks so much of you, Andreth. But know that I will never begrudge you the chance to deny its demands. Especially when it asks for the entirety of yourself.”

Andreth smiled wearily as she placed her own hand over Leliana’s. “Thank you, Leliana. I only wish you the same reprieve.”

The older woman chuckled as though genuinely amused and touched by her wish.

“Well, here’s to wishing!”

-------------------------------

The rest of the morning unfolded with her meeting the other members of the Inquisition.

Blackwall or Rainier as he referred to himself now was going to travel all over Thedas, training young ones who showed potential as he put it. Andreth knew this was his way of atoning for his past.

Dorian and Bull would be leaving for Qarinus by the first daylight tomorrow.

Cassandra was already making plans for the new Seeker’s Redoubt she was building with the Divine’s help.

Varric had left for Kirkwall two days ago but not before having Andreth swear that she would come to visit as soon as she could.

Sera was nowhere to be seen but she had left a note for Andreth saying how she was quite bad at goodbyes and how she had a place ready for Andreth if she ever needed one.

Enchanter Vivienne had also made her promise to visit her at the Circle she was reinstating at her earliest convenience. Though Andreth knew the small pouch filled with expensive pain potions that accompanied the invitation meant something akin to the enchanter caring for her. The woman would sooner leap into an Archdemon’s maw before accepting that!

As for Cole, she couldn’t find him anywhere… and she had searched the entire castle twice over. Her stomach twisted into knots when she thought of how he was the only one who could probably understand the state of her mind right now… the maelstrom of emotions that ran through her like lightning through a dead tree, it left parts of her smouldering with a pain she couldn’t put a name to.

She was coming down from the battlements towards the Herald’s rest when she spotted Cole in conversation with Cullen of all people. The Commander was dressed in a simple fur coat that looked well cared for, albeit well used. He looked a lot younger out of his plate armour. His face looked a lot calmer now that there was no world ending threat beating against his doorstep. She smiled as she walked towards the two still in deep conversation.

Cole was apparently giving some insight into his own unresolved feelings, much to the commander’s chagrin. His frown loosened up a bit when he saw her approach.

Part of their conversation drifted into her earshot as she neared them.

“You feel your heart quicken, every time she looks your way… Seeing but not shown. Feelings tied tightly like Mia’s apron knots.” Cole was being as cryptic as always.

Cullen’s face turned a delicate shade of pink as he hurried to interject, “Thank you, Cole. Now, if you will excuse me…”

He then turned to face her, a ready smile on his face, along with the remnants of a blush on his cheeks.

She returned his smile and when she turned to greet Cole, he was nowhere to be seen. As per usual, she mused.

“Greetings, Inquisitor…I see that you are all set to take your leave.” His eyes lingered on her cloak that concealed her arm stump.

“Perceptive as always, Cullen.” She joked, prompting a smile from him. “Also, I am no longer the Inquisitor… I hope you can call me ‘Andreth’ going forward.”

His blush deepened as he coughed uneasily. Cullen was such an easy man to fluster!

“Yes, Inqui – I mean yes, Andreth…So, are you all set to leave Skyhold?” His query brought a wry smile on her face.

“Not yet… I need to speak with the ground keepers, explain their duties and what is expected of them and then, I will have little else to do other than to leave… for good.”

Saying it out loud like that made the pain in her stomach feel a lot heavier… Why was it so difficult to let go? It must have shown in her face as Cullen’s frown deepened in worry.

“Are you alright, Andreth?”

She smiled as she shook her head, assuring him she was fine.

“I intend to leave tomorrow, Cullen. And you?”

He smiled as he replied, “I leave this afternoon… just the last of my preparations are pending.”

“You’re going back to your sister’s? Mia?”

His smile widened at her mentioning his sister’s name. “You remembered… Yes, I intend to stay with them for a while before I decide on my next course of action… What of you, Andreth?”

She smiled ruefully as she considered his question. Simple enough a query, and yet she didn’t know… She had no family to return to. The nobles of the Free Marches had made sure of that. Perhaps Kirkwall? Or perhaps somewhere in the middle of nowhere. For the first time in a long while, Andreth didn’t know where she would go.

“Come away with me?”

She starts out of her reverie at Cullen’s offer. He regards her with the same sort of expression she had seen on another’s face before… Another with whom she had hoped to spend the rest of her life.

“Cullen…”

“I know that you still care for him… for Solas… but he isn’t here… and perhaps with time…” his hands reached for hers.

In another world…

She felt sick thinking of that phrase… he had used the same phrase when she had asked him why they couldn’t be together. Curse that man… he now poisoned phrases for her!

“Cullen… I’m sorry.” She sighed, tired and sad. The smile he gave her spoke of understanding… and of grief. They were both in a love that might never reach its end. And for that, she was sorry… She didn’t wish her fate on anyone, least of all Cullen.

He nodded, taking a step back. “It’s quite alright, Andreth… But know that my doors are always open whenever you feel like visiting… even as a friend.”

She smiled as she stepped forward to give him a hug. His arms gingerly encircled her smaller frame before settling around her in a reassuring weight. Tears stung her eyes as she breathed in his scent; he smelt of soap and leather.

In another world… she could have been happy leaving behind all this pain and being his wife. But it wasn’t for this one… this world demanded her heart to break… this world showed her the one true love she would have only for him to leave her alone and cold, all while professing his undying love for her.

She broke away from the embrace to see Cullen regard her with the same look she had seen on his face when they first spoke of their feelings, immediately after she woke up from a four-day stupor after fighting the Saarebas through the eluvians. Cullen had known of her love for Solas, even after all the revelations that came later. And he continued to love her… even if that led nowhere. Such fools they were… Him and her.

-------------------------------

It was well after dusk, when Skyhold was almost empty except for a few remnant guests who had all taken up rooms in the inn. The main castle now stood alone and desolate. Andreth walked its halls one last time, taking in the place where she had been thrust forward to make world altering decisions. She had covered all the rooms save the one. Half her heart wanted to leave without turning back. But the other half, the one that still cared, led her one step at a time, to the rotunda.

The room was dark save for the one brazier that still shone green with veilfire. The smell of ozone that emanated from it made her sick with how it reminded her of him, as did the frescos he had pained into the walls. They depicted her story, he had said. No… this was the story of the Inquisition… her own story had a more bittersweet tone to it… unbefitting frescos, she thought.