New Opportunities New Beginning
I must say that this week has been a crazy one. I have been looking for a new place to work that is in my same field, but will provide tuition assistance so that I can finish my degree in Psychology. I found that this week. I have had mixed emotions though because of the boys I currently work with.
Not to put myself above others or try to come across as conceited, but I am one of the only people at my work that actually work. A problem I seem to find at every employer I have ever worked for. There are those who work hard for their money, and then there are those who rely on everyone else’s work for a paycheck. There are also managers who want to be everyone’s friend and not rock the boat instead of doing their jobs. I for some reason have transferred houses three times and every manager I have worked for has possessed these characteristics. I believe the whole company wants managers to be this way.
I do not understand why I feel guilty for looking out for my children, and my future. I am worried about what will happen to the boys once I am gone. I do have to remind myself that they were fine before I was there, they will be fine once I am gone. My manager may be forced to grow a back bone, and all the staff that are there now who thank me repeatedly for doing their job for them will not last long after I have left. I have to get over it though. I have my children, my husband, and my own future to worry about. Finishing my degree and going the whole way to PhD will also allow me to help many more children with ASD.
I can’t wait to start at the school for children with ASD, and my schedule is great Monday through Friday from 8 to 2:30. They also offer tuition assistance, and are a non-profit that will allow me loan forgiveness. This is the smart move, the right move.
Now people can understand why I write in my free time. Why I draw, exercise, and garden. These are my escapes from a very hard job that I feel for most of us should be just as celebrated as Nurses week. We do a lot that many people don’t even talk about. I do everything a nurse does except the people I work with have intellectual disabilities, autism, and many are non-verbal. I take care of wounds, clean a whole house, make meals, give medication while documenting, redirect bad behavior, administer programming, take notes and data, stop self aggression, bathe, dress, brush their teeth, do dishes, laundry, restrain them if they are hurting others, take them shopping, to different places, to visit family, to school, and doctors appointments. I also have to order meds, keep track of everything they do, and discuss with other staff and treatment team about what the best care and action that need taken to ensure they have the best possible life. I have to care for them when they go to the restroom because many of them are incontinent. I do the work of many people and work overtime quite a bit. I work as their mother, father, and caregiver because frankly their parents cannot care for them the way they should have. Many kids I have worked with come from homes that should not have legally been aloud to have children. Others like the ones I work with now have parents that were in denial, or just to busy with their careers to get their children the services they needed at such a young age.
I knew with my son that something was wrong, he didn’t want affection, he didn’t want to play with anyone else. He wasn’t talking or looking us in the eye. I knew in my heart he needed more help then I could give him on my own. I called Children’s I immediately got him diagnosed at 2 1/2. I had to wait six months until they would even schedule his appointment. I worked hard to find out everything I could do as a mother to ensure that my child would not be left behind. I worked twelve hour midnights, and lived off three hours of sleep to sit with the therapists and learn techniques and programming that helped him learn the right way for him. Five hours a day five days a week in our own home. Then a few years after he started services our daughter was diagnosed with ADHD, and ODD. Three hours a day of therapists. They both had OT and Speech when they were young as well. I was a mother who lived to make sure our children had the same ability as every other “normal” child did. My children today are both mainstreamed in regular education classrooms, and I can’t help but get angry when I see children I work with who could have been well enough to go to a mainstream classroom, and live at home with their family if their parents would have made the same sacrifice as I did. They were too worried about their own careers to dedicate the time and attention their own children needed. Why should I feel guilty? I shouldn’t
I should focus on my new career, but same career that will offer me the option of focusing on myself now. I need to finally worry about my career and not focus so much on the fact that I spent too many years worrying about someone else’s children who are too old now to be helped any further. That was not my mistake. I am not going to be my coworker who has spent her life with the same group of kids, is miserable, and counting down her days to retirement with only the income that social security can provide. I need to get out, spread my wings, and make a big difference by finishing my degree, maybe going the whole way, writing a book about what I have stored in my head, and helping children that are young enough for my help to change their future.
On another note. I won two bracelets from John Hardy for mothers day. One for myself, and one for my daughter. Beautiful classic chain sterling silver with black sapphires that I one day may be able to dream to afford out right on my own. That’s right. My own. I wrote some sayings finishing mad libs that were inspired by my beautiful, smart, kind, lovely daughter who reminds me everyday what I am capable of as a women. She is who she is because of who I am, and that my friends is something I can be very proud of. I was rewarded for all the hard work I put in everyday with everyone. I am a self sustaining force of nature made by hand who works hard everyday to make a difference in the lives of everyone I meet. This is who I am, who I want my children to be, and what I want my husband to want to be. This is the first thing I have ever won and I believe I am the person who deserved it the most.
