#artofthecon

“YOU CAN’T JUICE A BANANA” by DJS

Started with the title, went from there.

(August 1973. Malibu Beach. Rolo is a hippy in his late 30s. Pop is a gambler in her late 40s. Bean is a street kid in his late teens.)

ROLO: See man, I just don’t think that’s true. You just need to find the right press. There’s some really cool culinary shops, real upscale places, man, you just need to know where to look.

POP: Look all you want. We’re talking science, we’re talking physics; the banana’s not holding up. You’re getting just mush. There’s not the water content.

ROLO: Hey man, if a coconut … if you can get water from a coconut -

POP: I can’t believe we’re still talking about this. Actually I do, I can believe it, because look who I’m talking to.

ROLO: Jibe all you want, man. If I have to be the first person to go down in history to do it just to prove you wrong, if that’s what it takes then so be it, man, lemme reinvent the wheel - the press. The printing press - write a new book of the wonders you can do to make with fruit. - Are you saying banana’s not a flavor then, man? Banana extract?

POP: Banana extract … You’re an idiot. (to Bean) He’s an idiot.

BEAN: You talk like brothers. Like you were brothers or something.

POP: Then I must have an idiot for a brother.

ROLO: Hey man, I don’t call you names. Just consider …

POP: What?

ROLO: Consider the possibility is all I’m saying. You’re closed off, man.

POP: (shakes head) I thought you came here … I thought you had something to sell me.

ROLO: I do! You’re gonna flip too, man ...

POP: Why? It’s not a banana juicer is it? The world’s first banana juicer? Miracle of miracles?

ROLO: Nah man, no. Here check this out. (Produces what looks like a very old bottle of wine from his backpack)

POP: What, what is this? You a collector now? Connoisseur or…?

ROLO: No. But I know you know some people that’d be really into it. Who’d pay top dollar or whatever for something like this, of this quality.

POP: Yeah well, or you could just be making a lot of assumptions. Just because something looks like it might be doesn’t mean it’s the thing … getting aesthetics confused with actual value. Then there’s demand; you never know what the demand will be. Like, even if a painting’s worth a hundred grand doesn’t mean there’s gonna be a line out the door a millionaire’s lining up to buy it. What something’s worth is only what it’s worth to someone else, understand?

ROLO: But you know about this stuff. You know at least if potentially, man …

POP: Sure, but I just don’t want you getting your hopes up or put a lot riding on it.

ROLO: No man, I mean - not like I paid for it or nothing.

POP: What’s it stolen?

ROLO: No man, it was a gift.

POP: Yeah from who? A thief??

ROLO: No man, just someone I know. This chick I know.

POP: And where’d she get it from?

ROLO: It was her family’s, her dad died. It had been in their basement - what is it when they have one of those special rooms just for keeping wine cold..?

POP: A cellar.

ROLO: Cellar, right, yeah. And it was her idea that we would just drink it, like last night or whatever. But I saw, you know, I saw the label and how it was all dusty and so I advised against that and so we just smoked a joint instead. Not that this chick took much convincing, but I told her I had this friend and that maybe the wine was actually worth more than we think and that my friend could tell us and give us a second opinion. ... You’re that friend.

POP: No kidding.

ROLO: No kidding. (beat) But yeah so, just to like appraise it, you know, and maybe look at some avenues of distribution if you think you know it would be worth our while to go that route.

POP: (studies bottle) Well it’s certainly interesting. 

ROLO: I saw it said the year -

POP: Yeah, 1944.

ROLO: Yeah that’s thirty years, man, that’s an old bottle of wine.

POP: Can be. 

ROLO: Depends on stuff like vintage and stuff though doesn’t it?

POP: Vintage means the year the grapes were picked.

ROLO: Oh, so … that would be 1944 too?

POP: Correct.

ROLO: Well was 1944 a good vintage then?

POP: For this particularly bottle o wine … Yes.

ROLO: Then it’s worth something, you could sell it.

POP: I could.

(Small pause.)

ROLO: Then what would you give me, man?

POP: Half.

ROLO: What?

POP: Half, I’d pay you half of whatever I got, what I was able to git for it. 

ROLO: No I mean … I kinda meant upfront.

POP: Oh. Nothing.

ROLO: Wait what?

POP: Yeah, you’d give me the bottle, I’d see what I could do. No promises. Might take a while too.

ROLO: Aww man, but that’s not cool ...

POP: You want to sell it or don’t you? 

ROLO: Of course but … this isn’t like some big investment for me, man. I was looking for more of a quick turnaround deal.

POP: You were huh?

ROLO: Yeah.

POP: Twenty bucks then.

ROLO: Twenty…?

POP: For the bottle, outright.

ROLO: But you, you said … it’s worth more’n that you said.

POP: No I didn’t. 

ROLO: Ok but then you implied it’s valuable or whatever. You said the vintage made it -

POP: You don’t know what you’re talking about. Now I’ve offered you two alternatives. We can wait and I can try to find a buyer for it and if and when I do then we split that fifty-fifty. Or you take twenty now, in the clear, and we call it a day. But like I said, I can’t guarantee any sort of timeline, could be a week, could be months, but that would be my risk, or yours if you choose to wait and see. Personally I’d go for the cash in hand, which’d be my advice whether I was involved in this thing or not - if we were just friends and you came asking my opinion, it’s not worth risking it on the unknown.

ROLO: But … isn’t that what you’d be doing?

POP: Yeah but I’m only out twenty bucks. And say it takes a year and this thing’s just collecting dust on my shelf when I finally do find someone that wants it but the highest he’ll go is eighty and maybe there’s a better offer out there but do you really wanna wait even longer?, so your cut forty dollars ends up only barely being double what you could get for it now.

BEAN: She’s right.

(Pause.)

ROLO: Twenty dollars today?

POP: Tell you what, I’ll make it thirty. Would that help you sleep better?

ROLO: Thirty??

POP: (shrugs) I mean we’re friends, right?

ROLO: Yeah! Okay!

(Pop pays Rolo 2 tens and 2 fives.)

POP: I think this is a really good deal too.

ROLO: Yeah man. Part of me wants to just open this bottle to celebrate!