#articles.

kristofferson silverfox was all smiles when he greeted me for our interview. an impressive feat considering how he had been corralling a group of 24 five-year-olds a few minutes ago. i witnessed his interactions with them firsthand, and he had the patience that would rival mother teresa's.

once he bid farewell to the last of his trainees, he guided me to what he considered his 'office'—which was just a bench by the running field.

"sports have always been an escape for me," he told me. "an escape and a structure."

the statement was paradoxical, i pointed out as much to him.

"when i was young and i had to move away from home, sports provided a space for me to not think about—" he paused for a moment. "—what was happening. eventually, they became such a part of my life that if i ever tried removing myself, i just don't think i could."

to ease the heaviness of the conversation, he added, "not to be dramatic."

if you ever had the pleasure of watching silverfox run, you would know that he had the makings of a professional. it would be easy to envision him in the olympics, bringing home gold medals, putting elias on the map even further for the world. not only did he possess the form and skills, he possessed the discipline, which arguably is the most important trait of a professional athlete.

however, silverfox's passion lies elsewhere.

"i see a lot of kids like me." he corrected himself. "no, not even just kids. people overall."

he looked out into the field to gather his thoughts.

"people need community. it's unfortunate that i only realized this after a tragedy. my parents passed away when i was young, because of medical reasons. i had to move and live with my uncle, aunt, and cousin. they're great, but it was nice to feel this..." he searched for the word. "... further belonging."

after a moment of surprise that he came up with the word on his own (which i didn't understand why, because he always came across incredibly eloquent in our exchanges), silverfox continued.

"we underestimate how people want to belong, which is why places like this matters. why activities like this matter. of course it teaches you discipline and other skills, it's a fun hobby, it gives you structure—but more than anything, this is a place for people to meet others, make friends."

silverfox said it was great to see young children coming in and taking the classes, but he equally appreciated the adults who gave the athletics programs a chance, given how he observed adults have become more withdrawn. this observation is confirmed in a report from elias bureau of statistics, which showed a five per cent increase, since last year, of adults preferring to spend their weekends alone at home.

For me, writing is much like taking a deep breath. Face-to-face conversation is important of course, but as one would expect, it is writing that allows me to face myself openly.

I’d always hoped to someday have a job that'd allow me to leave behind words, so with the timing of this photobook, I asked to come up with the words myself. Will it be [a] humane, vivid, or questionable [recounting]?

That said, when it comes to essays, I feel like they could turn out to be too prettily written, so I hope to be able to confess my thoughts as they are, without using any particularly chic expressions.

I tried to find something to be proud of, but just living every day as an idol, these eight years have become a life-long treasure that I wouldn't trade for the world.

It is my greatest pleasure to write it all down here, and I apologize for my clumsy writing, but I hope you [can read it with] a feeling of ‘huh’. I'd be happy if you could read it.

What kind of person am I?

Due to my line of work, I'm often asked to introduce myself. I really am not good at it, and it makes my heart pound.

Even though I'm an idol, I have no appealing points. No, rather, I don't know how to market myself. It's critical.

“I've been learning [blank] since I was little!”

“I have a Level 1 Certificate in [blank]!”

“I have a professional certification!”

I watched people like that and was dazzled by them, thinking “These are idols”.

My true to life hobbies are watching movies, cooking and sleeping. I like taking walks - without bringing a bag along - while taking in the scent of the evening glow, and I like diving into freshly washed sheets while wearing light clothes. But the best thing is taking a nap past noon on days when you can sleep in without setting an alarm.

When it comes to sports, I was on the volleyball team in junior high, but I quit that at about the same time I started my entertainment career. Well, I was a benched member though.

I actually liked studying and was always determined to undoubtedly get into the top ranks for each test, but in the end, I never got first place in my grade. It was a power play type of thing where you got through it by relying on your memory.

In high school, I was part of the tea ceremony club. I wanted to learn etiquette and become a dignified adult, and since the activities only took place once a week, I wanted to get a part-time job and save money to enroll into college.

When I was a high school sophomore, two of my good friends took on the role of club president and secretary respectively, so I followed suit and ran for vice president.

For the school festival, the members of the tea ceremony club had the privilege of walking around in a yukata, so we came to the school during our summer holidays when the aircon wasn't working and practiced putting one on, all while we were drenched in sweat. To tell you the truth, I thought “Wouldn't it have been the same if I just practiced at home?”

By the time I quit the club, somehow I had grown to like matcha tea, which hadn't been my cup of tea.

Back then, one of my favourite things to do was catching the first train, going to a hamburger place with my friends and leisurely enjoying a muffin before going to school. On that very same day, for once I didn't get a good grade on my morning quiz, so I kept it a secret from my mother.

I worked part time at the dining hall of a Chinese restaurant. I loved carrying the steamers stacked with xiaolongbao in that all-you-can-eat restaurant and serving them on the floor, while smelling the scent of the Japanese pepper in mapo tofu. I’d pray every day not to be put in charge of the washroom. I ate too much goma dango during the staffs’ meals and got really chubby.

I was enjoying my time as a JK* [= high school student who's a girl] to the fullest, dedicating my life to curling my bangs and buying the latest Frappuccino I could get my hands on, so when I became an idol and was asked about my special skills, I was really baffled.

At the same time, I was disappointed with how lacking in originality my life had been.

I began my idol activities in 2016, and it feels like year by year, I've had more and more opportunities to feel happy. It's not merely my luck getting better or increased levels of dopamine, but rather, there's been a change in my body where I'm [now] more susceptible to happiness.

You come in contact with this job and then you adapt to it. I reckon… that's a really important part of it. I feel that all the ‘amazing people’ ‘round me have adapted to their environment and are living their lives accordingly.

I'm awkward, so that's not something I can thrive in just because I want to. When I first became an idol, every day I worried too much about how people - whom I’d be meeting for the first time - would react when I was on set, and I was perplexed with group activities - which weren't my forte in the first place. That was really challenging, but somewhere along the way I snapped out of it and learned to have an attitude of ‘no more', and only then were I able to take a big breath.

I'm always free, so I can eat ramen late at night or hop on a bus and wander around in unfamiliar places. I feel like I've become a little more positive since realizing that giving up is the greatest freedom.

It was very easy to change the resignation of “I can't do it, so it is what it is” into “If it's like that, then let's give it a try!” and become a little more positive.

At some point, people started calling me a 'careless character', but that's proof that a positive change had occurred within me.

Now - above all else - I'm happy to have work every day, to get to eat what I like and to get to soak in a warm bath.

Eight years ago I couldn't have imagined that I'd ever feel this at ease.

I believe that if you give up something - because of the constraints of having to do this or that - you'll be able to pick up something else.

Nogizaka46 and me

It was in my third grade of elementary that I started admiring idols.

My parents bought me the laptop I'd been wanting for my birthday, and I was an indoors elementary student whose only friend was the Internet. 

At that time, I came across an idol music video on a video site. I instantly fell in love with [idols], thinking "Such a pretty and shining universe exists in this world!"

After that, I started watching videos featuring various idols and before I knew it, they had become my raison d'être.

I'd never seen live concerts performed in front of such a large audience, and [never known] that there were handshake events that allowed you to talk to the idols you'd seen on screen.

I didn't like school in those days, and the fact that such a world existed in real life had become a source of hope, and before I knew it the love turned into longing, and I found myself wanting to become just like my idols.

My father used to get me tickets and bring me along to the live shows that he went to, and I have vivid memories of the time the two of us went to see a documentary film about AKB48-san. Behind the smiling faces singing and dancing up on stage, privately there was a harsh [reality] offstage, and for the first time I saw the real world of idols.

On our way home, my father told me "Being an idol sure is hard. I don't think I could ever do it.", and as an elementary schooler that believed that idols were noble beings, I remember briefly replying "I couldn't do that [ever]." 

I was thirteen years old when I took my first step into show business. My longing for this dazzling world grew bigger and bigger with each day, and as a junior high schooler who was struggling with interpersonal relationships, I sometimes looked for a 'daily life other than school', so I'd audition and sometimes get lucky enough to be accepted.

I joined a talent agency. On my days off from school I attended workshops, while during the weekdays, in the evening I went to audition for commercials and plays while still in my uniform.

There were times when I auditioned about 30 times and failed it all, other times I got invited to be an extra as a passerby, and there was even a time where I was photographed only from the neck down for an apparel shoot. I was happy just to get the job, even if my name wouldn't appear.

It was the one job I got after thirty turns of despair.

I think the most difficult audition had to be the one where I had to wear green full-body tights and perform CG movements, but I still failed. 

While some of my peers were getting jobs, I wasn't making any progress at all, so I was all in a hurry and my health deteriorated. 

I wasn't good at acting and I didn't want to become an actor, so I was at a loss as to what to pursue. I was but a child at the time, and I didn't know how to work hard, so I was tormented by extreme thoughts, like losing even more weight or having to smile more.

From there, I left my agency before entering high school and passed the audition for Nogizaka46 at 17-years-old.

I had auditioned for other idol groups but didn't pass, so in the summer of my second year of high school, I told myself "If I don't get in this time either, I'll give up [on this dream]", and this was my last chance before [I had to prepare for] university entrance exams.

Looking back now, I applied and all of the photos I sent in were with me wearing a yukata, even though it said "Please take full-body photos in clothes that show your figure". I thought, "Of course you won't even get past the first round".

But for some reason, I thought that that was the costume that suited me most! And for some reason, only [in] Nogizaka46 did I get through the first round.

I don't remember much about the audition, but I do remember being surprised by how cute and slender everybody was. There were lots of model-like girls that were walking from the nearest station to the venue, so I wasn't that nervous, given that I had already given up, thinking that I would fail each time.

If I'm not mistaken, there were about six rounds of screening, and before I knew it, I had passed.

I’d gotten used to failing the auditions, and since I was on the verge of disappointment by the time I got there and hadn't prepared to rejoice, I went home with questions hanging over my head.

The next day, as I saw my face being plastered on the morning paper & broadcast to the world on morning news programmes and as I opened the door to my classroom, I thought "This is bad". 

I remember all of my classmates greeting me with a "Good morning" as per usual, and my mind - which had been elsewhere - came back to me with a bang.

Afterwards, a month later I found out that I had to transfer schools, and when I told everyone that, they asked me "Would it be okay to congratulate you now?" and they all wished me good luck in the classroom.

Until then, everyone had tried to avoid bringing it up so I could keep coming to school as usual and unbeknownst to me, the people around me - both within the school and off-campus - were protecting me.

The loneliest moment of my life was when I said goodbye to the school building after returning from my farewell party, and had to carry home the dictionaries I had stored in my locker, heavy as they were.

Despite the ups and downs, I had finally become the idol I'd dreamed of.

I think it's the most fortunate occurrence in my life, and it was a miracle to have been able to meet 'Nogizaka46' by chance, instead of any other idol group. I can only thank Nogizaka46 for pulling me out of despair.

Work stories

To be honest, I feel like I'm not fit for idol work. There were lots of girls who were good at singing and dancing and their faces also were the cute type, and I wasn't like that, so I'd look in the mirror and pull the corners of my eyes, hoping to get droopy eyes. I think I was stuck in a well of inferiority complex.

However, it was fun. I love [this work]. Wearing brilliant costumes and having our hair beautifully curled, we performed facing the camera with the lights blazing.

No matter how many times we'd perform on music shows, I always got so nervous that I felt like throwing up, but this made me feel like I was alive. 'T was a nice tingling sensation.

I myself may not have been idol material, but there were professional staff who were able to polish that into something lovely, and there were people who watched over me and supported me.

I can't say that I've ever had high self-esteem, [but here] I've found the sole place where I can like myself a little bit.

Even if there were days when I got angry at myself for not looking good in cute costumes, I could deflect from it if my fans said I looked cute.

During live performances, the pressure often outweighed the fun. Of course, looking back turns it into a fun memory, but at the height of it I was already desperate.

I guess I just don't have the guts to stand center stage.

Sometimes I'll just become 'one's self' in the midst of a concert. What I mean when I say 'one's self' is it'll feel like I'm standing on stage and looking down at myself from up above, just observing objectively for an instant. It's a strange time where you don't know why you're there.

But in that moment, you can see the faces in the audience more clearly. It's unexpected how often I can tell that "This person is so moved by me that time is standing still" or, "This person loves the member next to me" and the like.

Given that there are so many of us, there are many things we have to think about, such as where to stand, how to divide the songs into [individual] parts, the back and forth feeling of the rows [the members stand in], when to speak during the MCs, where to stand for the camera to capture you and so on, so rather than performing with 120% emotion, there are also moments when I'm surprisingly calm.

Something important for the group is a sense of unity.

Even if someone is at their best, if their sense of enthusiasm is different from that of those around them, they'll feel out of place. With nearly 40 members, it's difficult to keep track of everyone's condition day after day.

That's exactly why there is a captain, a center, and we're split by generations, so even if it's impossible to communicate with everybody every day, each person can get a sense of the atmosphere one way or another.

And so the atmosphere of Nogizaka46 is born. As an only child who mostly played on my own, here is where I learned how to act as a group.

When you take into account more detailed circumstances such as selection announcements, members' graduations, new members joining and so on, the group's colour changes every few days, doesn't it.

The good thing about us is that in moments when someone can't do their best or they need a rest, there are people who will lend a hand.

Having said that, I've never been good at either asking anyone for help or gently supporting others, if anything, I thought of it as an individual battle - not directly - but rather, no matter what happened to anyone - trying not to destroy the group but to protect it, to create a place for the members to come back to.

I've always been a lone wolf and not the type to hang out in groups at school, but I get lonely on my own so I ask others to let me in.... To this day, I guess I haven't changed much at my core.

But Nogizaka46 is warm, kind and embracing of solitude. And what surprised me above all was that there were people of my kind too. I remember being saved, almost, when realizing that we were living with similar ideals.

Saying this myself is embarrassing, but I'm really awkward. Without sugarcoating it, I find it hard to live in this world. But I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels that way.

I thought that wasn't normal and I was struggling with why I had to live like this, but it wasn't just me who was fighting this battle. Only being able to realize that is a great asset in these times.

Why did my fans come to fall in love with me?

Face, voice, figure, gestures, behaviour, dancing, appearances in variety shows and dramas. 

I know that every encounter is different, but just the fact that you found me and allowed me to take up a nook of your heart, that [enough] is a blessing for me.

I really am glad to have become an idol.

Naturally, I've also experienced countless hardships and sorrows having been in this place, but I've never once regretted becoming an idol.

In that sense, I can say that it was my calling in a way.

You were able to save the me from those days, when I thought I wasn't cut out to be an idol and couldn't like myself.

Individual work

I first encountered CanCam when I was 19 years old. Once the concert at Meiji Jingu Baseball Stadium had ended, my manager called to inform me that I had been selected as an exclusive model.

The [first] shoot was to take place a week later. I remember I had to go on a diet, so I pushed the cake I had been given towards my manager while on the verge of tears, saying "Please eat it in my place!"

I might get scolded for saying this, but I was scared out of my wits by CanCam. I'd been imagining a dirty, kicking-each-other-down world - like the drama based on women's fashion magazines that I used to love back in the old days.

I was convinced that no one would give their time of day to the likes of me, an idol who didn't have particularly outstanding proportions.

Nowadays it seems like a funny story, but I felt terrible for stiffly walking into the studio every time, with my awkward poses and a twitching smile.

Every time they pressed the shutter, they told me 'Cute!' and 'That's it!', they gave me advice on the things that didn't go smoothly, and the atmosphere on set was actually really warm.

There's a lovely air of tension that comes from each person fulfilling their job as a professional, and once the shooting is over, a cozy atmosphere prevails.

My stiff heart was slowly letting loose, and I found myself beginning to love my model work, where there's so much to learn every day.

Naturally, my sense of beauty has steadily improved and my entertainment knowledge also has increased, and it's a place that’s allowed me to grow as a person.

To this day I have a hard time with getting up early, but I love the set of CanCam, which is overflowing with love.

I'm thankful to also have the opportunity to get lots of acting work. I've always felt that I'm not good at acting, but I very much like being on stage.

I think of idol work as being on the opposite side of the same coin, but they're professions that head in totally different directions, so because I was allowed to do both, I was able to strike a balance without ruining myself.

The work of an idol involves self-producing, while when it comes to acting work, you face the role you're given to the bitter end and live [in it] as part of [your work].

The former polish themselves in order to become better ingredients to be cooked, while the latter thinks about how to best cook something delicious with the ingredients that they are given.

That's how I feel. The songs idols sing are decided on beforehand, so naturally they prepare as to not miss any shot, but when you're filming as an actor, you shoot various scenes every day from morning to night, and then when you get home, you have to memorize the lines for the next day all over again, so I treated it like disciplining while having to rack my brains.

One of the charms of it is that a season of a TV series takes anywhere between three to four months to film, so you get to learn from many actors and staff.

I think I was able to learn about something called 'life experience' through acting, and as opposed to the [ideal] idol-ness when it comes to being an idol, the world of so-called 'lifelike' acting is overflowing with diverse colours.

This job - which can even be used as a weapon against the person in question - is scary every once in a while.

But having been in a place that accepts such shortcomings of mine as part of my nature, I feel like I've been taught the determination to accept myself.

Before I knew it, I found myself living with seven different roles in 2023 alone. Even if I get depressed watching my own acting, I can only be grateful to have been asked to be part of [them all].

Would it be okay to name these as 'schedules'? Naturally, there was a period of time when I felt like it - but in any case, I had the mindset of taking on any role. I'm sure that once I graduate, I won't have to unconsciously avert my eyes from my schedule book any more, so I'm happy to have indulged myself in the luxury of being busy.

About the second photobook

In all honesty, when I released my first photobook I thought "This will be my first and last photobook". I got to shoot in Paris - the place of my dreams - on the occasion of my 20th birthday, and I was able to create a book that was close to what I had envisioned. And of course, it was [all] thanks to the wonderful staff.

I took on swimsuit and lingerie shoots with feelings of wanting to leave behind photographs of my 20-year-old physique, so I thought I'd turn down a second [photobook] were I to get asked to [make another one].

Three years had passed since then, and I was asked if I'd like to release a photobook with my [upcoming] graduation. I had a hunch based on previous graduates' pattern, but when it came to making my own book from scratch once more, realistically it seemed rather unthinkable, so I started out with a feeling of "Is this the real thing...?"

[But then] I switched into "Let's do it!" mode about a month or so before shooting began. In terms of showbiz timing, it was at the very last moment. Even so, I am the type of person who'll stay up all night on the last day of summer vacation to unmistakably finish her assignments, so I pride myself on being someone who can perform at their best when backed up into a corner.

This is a token of gratitude for the staff who have had to work with me as an idol up until now, a work to preserve my creativity, and a cherished gift for all of my fans.

The location [we] decided on was Los Angeles. This time's underlying theme was the 'royal road'* [= tried-and-true method, orthodox/proper way], so I thought I'd visit a place which I hadn't been to before, as well as a 'classic' one.

Ah, I chose the royal road because I have a feeling that the royal road is 'extraordinary', and in my first year I aimed to be a royal road idol. It's the royal road after all, y'know? But as I discovered what suits me and what doesn't, I realized that I was a long way off the royal road.

However, thanks to the people who like me as I am, I've been able to enjoy being an idol without being trapped by the words 'royal road'. What constitutes the 'royal road' is up to each person's interpretation, but aren't both the royal road [= orthodox way] and unorthodox way equally wonderful individualities?

I thought about making a book that would help my troubled self from the past, as that's how I feel now.

As the plan was being finalized and we were searching for filming locations, scenes from one of my favourite movies, 'LA LA LAND', came to mind. The pop melody that makes you want to hum along, the steps [in the movie] are nimble, and the man and woman are taken with each other with the dazzling nightscape in Los Angeles as the backdrop.

I like the ending of this film, as it's a happy musical love story in the beginning, which initially makes you think "It's definitely going to have a bright ending!", but then, as the man and woman brush past each other, they each already have their own different distant futures in mind, and there's a strangely comfortable feeling that this is exactly what it means to be stuck between dream and reality.

I think that it resembles the worldview of idols in some way. I watched it three times before heading to LA. The styling and location alike were wonderful, so while we paid homage [to the movie], we thought about how to showcase the dignity of the 2nd photobook with a more mature feel, as opposed to the 1st photobook - which showcases the preciousness of changing from a child into a grown-up - while also conveying a last idol-like feeling.

Afterwards, a friend of mine suggested writing a proposal, so I proceeded to work on it night after night, while staying in hotels 'round the country for our zenkoku [= nationwide] tour. All while eating shredded and dried squid, that is. It was a time that made me think creating things is fun.

Typically I wake up in the morning, get in the car, arrive at the studio where I am styled according to the purpose of that day's shoot, and then I come up with a pose and facial expression for the camera that suits the shoot's image. That's my job.

It's fun and I'm proud of it, but it was even more fun to come up with my own [creative] direction. During the spare moments in-between jobs - such as commuting or taking baths - I checked all sorts of fashion and gravure magazines in order to collect information. I thought about what would suit me and what people would like to see from me.

Actually, I've only scratched the surface and there are many people behind the scenes, putting in money and time to make this all happen, but were I to only work in the talent department, I wouldn't have noticed that, so I realized that I shouldn't ever give up on creating [things].

I took off for Los Angeles in mid-August 2023. The manager proposed two schedules: one was a tough schedule - which wouldn't make me take time off from other work, while the other was a regular schedule - which would leave me absent from two music shows.

Ultimately. After lots of deliberation, I decided on the former. Sure enough, I [still] wanted to appear on music shows. I want to sing and sparkle.

The filming was slotted in between the live shows in Nagoya and Sendai. Once the two-day concert had ended, I took the last train to Tokyo, unpacked my bags, did the laundry and backed up about a week's worth of work.

I left home at 5 a.m. to have a music show recording at a TV station, went back home to pick up my luggage and headed straight to the airport.

Writing this alone brings back prickling. Times like these are when I get really excited, so I was humming loudly as I packed my bags - and also finely chopping garlic, for some reason. If anything, I think the manager who was able to coordinate this schedule is a godsend and I’m grateful for it.

It was my first time going to the US, and I was just elated. I think I must've been like an elementary schooler in my blue one-piece. I exchanged some money for dollars at the airport.

Even though I had eaten to my heart's content at home and at the airport, I ate well in the airplane too. From Japan to Los Angeles, it took about 10 hours. 'T was the deepest sleep I had that summer.

Then, I watched LA LA LAND once again from the beginning and found myself gently swaying with such great exaltation. And at last, we arrived.

Just breathing the air in America made me go “Wow” without thinking. Another thing that was 'Wow' was that as soon as I arrived, one of my bag's handles got torn off. We took a car from the airport and the first day was spent shooting at the hotel we were staying at.

The shoot was scheduled to start an hour after we'd arrived, so I quickly took a shower and got ready to go. We took on the challenge of filming.

And here's the real sad news: I'll tell you the full truth and not conceal anything - I don't remember much after filming started. For real.

My memory's folder wasn't fully functioning, so I could fully understand the embarrassed feelings of the drama's cameraman who had to apologetically tell the director "Pardon me... I forgot to turn the camera on" after hearing 'Cut!'. I must've left my memory card in LA. There were about 20 costumes for the five-day shoot.

Each time we consulted about changing hairstyles and we made a tour of lots of filming locations while crammed into a car with the staff. In any case, we got around as much as we could, we laughed and even cried at times. Thanks to the gifted staff, I had a truly fulfilling time. The US is just so vast, everything's larger than life and the people are so kind.

I felt tiny, but I felt comfortable with that too. 'T was the land of freedom.

Outside the shoot, there were lots of things going on as well. There was a real gaudy kebab shop in front of the hotel as well, with flickering crimson lights flashing through the window all night long, so it felt like a party. For some reason, the shower head was spinning round and round, looking like a sprinkler.

During a shoot at a café, I thought I'd ordered some iced tea, but it turned out to be alcohol, so I had to drink it through a straw in broad daylight. It was freezing cold on the beach, but the showers wouldn't empty and I ended up freezing.

I'd been gaining weight in preparation for the photobook, but on the last day, I somehow looked dainty when photographed from the back.

[I thought] 'I lost weight!' And even that was funny and made me laugh as I looked at the monitor.

Also, Santa Monica was a dream come true! I vividly remember that the amusement park we visited in Paris for the 1st photobook also was loads of fun and etched into my memory, but I also had a fun time at Pacific Park in Santa Monica, even though I didn't get on any particular rides. I sure must like amusement parks. I for sure like them more [now] than I did when I was a kid.

The lobster we had for the shoot also was astonishingly delicious. I don't know what it was, but the butter sauce that went with it was exquisite.

Outside a large beach stretched out, and I would've liked to play there until sunset if possible.

The Lighthouse Café in Hermosa Beach also appeared as a memorable spot in LA LA LAND. I got to stop by briefly during filming and unexpectedly, a jazz band was in the middle of a performance on stage, so when I asked them, they played one of the songs from the movie. It was a lovely time.

Among the sweet memories, there was one instance where I really was saved by [someone else's] kindness.

One morning during filming, I ran into a rare problem at work and my mental health hit rock bottom. There's a 17 hour time difference between Japan and Los Angeles. It was already late at night in Japan, so I had trouble getting in touch with the staff and it was a situation that couldn't have been undone, so I had no solace from the bitterness and emptiness that welled up, and I couldn't get my feelings in order.

Since it'd happened before the shoot, I tried leaving the studio by myself to regain my composure, but my body had reached its limits and it was rather hard to flip a switch, which made me even more anxious.

I don't typically consult with my friends even when I'm down in the dumps, but I was really anxious so I gave them a call on impulse. "I don't have much time, but please just tell me a funny story." ‘Tis the worst, ain't it. They told me - a person who couldn't even tell them why they were crying - a story about how they had fallen prey to a one-click-scam.

They’d received a message from an online shopping website asking them to update their personal information, and when they entered their info in, their credit card information was stolen. I couldn't help but laugh at my friend who had fallen for such an obvious scam.

No, even though it wasn't a laughing matter, I was crying with laughter at the absurd situation I was in, listening to this story in a studio with a sweeping view of the refreshing scenery of Los Angeles in the morning. It really made me smile.

It's no overstatement to say that it was thanks to that friend that this photobook was successfully completed. Special thanks [to you]. Afterwards, they sent me a photo of the beautiful sky on LINE, with the P.S.: "I want to have a door that [could lead me] anywhere [to comfort you]!"

I felt my heart melt at their kindness, and I keenly felt the warmth of human beings.

After the five-nights-seven-days-long shoot, I flew back to Japan with a sense of accomplishment and reluctance to part in my heart. On the return flight, I forgot about the fact that the next day there'd be a live show and got a good night's sleep after five days, [so much so] that my face was swollen.

But it was a happy kind of swelling.

Graduation

As for a reason for graduation, what answer would satisfy you, I wonder?

I started thinking about graduation around the time when I turned 20. I had entrusted the staff with a vague ideal of graduating, not right away, but prettily, and I felt a little afraid that the more the number of senior members decreased, the more the reality - that one day that time would come for me too - hit me.

To put it bluntly, "I thought the time had come for my career as an idol to come to an end", but that was only my hunch and of course, each person would take it [as in, react to it] differently.

To the best of my ability, I don't want to make my fans sad, and that's why I've been pondering on how to tell everyone. That's why it feels almost cruel to even worry about it.

When I hear about the graduation of an idol I've been supporting, I want them to keep eating just fine and sleep as much as they can. I'm sure that apart from myself, the members think the same thing.

It's selfish, isn't it?

I became an idol to make people smile, so I'd be mistaking the means for the end to have them end up in tears at the end. My final goal when it comes to being an idol is to end my time [as one] laughing with the fans.

I was able to fulfill many of the dreams I had deep within while being in the group, and up until now I haven't found anything that I want to do so badly that I'd let go of my duties as an idol.

I have neither the confidence to make it on my own as a tarento* [= catch-all term for mass media personalities who regularly appear on television], nor the courage to work someplace away from show business, so perhaps I should just start a survival-like life on some desert island.

I reckon I need some time now to carefully think about my future from here on out - you could call it a new life of sorts - so I hope I can afford to take some time off and forget about being in a rush and [just] enjoy my freedom.

Now, I want to tell you this

Everyone has a different measure for happiness, and someone's happiness may be born from someone else's sorrow.

I often ask others, "When do you feel happy?"

There were people who answered with things characteristic of daily life, like getting food, sleep and so on, while others named friends and family - interpersonal relationships, and there also were some who mentioned money and time, things that give them peace of mind.

Only each person in question knows what their perception of Heaven or Hell is like. Even so, I sincerely wish for the happiness of my fans.

I hope you'll face as few painful times as possible, and that you'll live so happily that one day even your hardships and sadness will be something you'll laugh about.

Unfortunately, I don't know the things that make all of you happy, but if I myself could contribute even just an ounce to your happiness, there's nothing that would make me happier.

I may not be able to talk about it on stage anymore, but from now on too, I hope to keep communicating with you all in different ways.

Even if someday, time will pass and the traces of me being an idol will have faded away, if I could become the hope of someone who's living in the present, then I can proudly say that not a second of this time has gone to waste.

At times, I've also been told that "Having to live with so many regulations in the most enjoyable phase of your life must be difficult". However, I've gained the strength to reply "No, this right here is just as fun!"

To be honest, even if I hadn't become an idol, I have the confidence that I could've changed my mindset and lived a fairly enjoyable life someplace. lol

After all, being an idol was good work.

I believe that all the things we do come with some sort of sacrifice.

It's been eight years of endurance and suffering too, but the landscape I saw from up the stage shined SO brightly, that I've forgotten all about it.

For letting me - a nobody - dream, thank you so much.

To all of you, in the lives that you'll be leading from now on,

May you have many more moments with smiles awaiting you.

The heroine's

Hero-interview

Byebye

TL: laundrycolour

Anyway, suicidal which correlated to mental health issues becomes one of the noisiest things to talk about lately, with the overwhelming numbers of influential people, musicians, actors, politicians, entrepreneurs, give their perspectives in these issues, support any preventive actions, such as provided support hotline and persuasion through their music or films. This is still not acceptable, due to the fact that both Chris and Chester were also one of many musicians who write meaningful songs about mental health issues, motivate people to keep moving on instead of bad things happened around them. Then why is it still consuming their sanity then led them to end their own lives? Isn’t it enough to strengthen them, the better lives they had in their hands?  

We make some little arguments, maybe more like assumptions, but hopefully can contribute logic in this tragedy among musicians. First, if you’re such a fan of rock and rap music, do you realize there are abundance songs talk about depressions, frustrations, sadness, mourning how hard life is for them, and somewhat they touch you, make you feel related. You won't find much about those kinds of lyrics in EDM, pop, or country music, right? Then, here you go, Kurt Cobain (Nirvana), Ian Curtis (Joy Division), Chris Cornell (Audioslave/Soundgarden), Amy Winehouse, Elvis Presley, Chester Bennington (Linkin Park). The fact that they decided to end their own lives in the middle of their ongoing great career is making it more questionable.  

Well, take a look at their pasts. Kurt , Chester, Chris, and Amy brought their childhood pains for a really long time. They had been strong enough to fight it until they couldn't bare it anymore. You won't be surprise to see that ironically the childhood trauma was their turning point into music. Music, what they were most passionate about was actually also work as an escape or enter point to a better life. So, they make the music about it, which people love and find it motivating, relieving, become hits, and got them to enter the industry. Much worse phase, music business is not as glorious as we imagine before. Ask musicians out there ! Are they happy all the time? The answer is no, maybe yes in some interviews, doing what they love, make living out of it, living the dream. They're totally in the middle of a shaky fragile bridge which can swing them anywhere unexpectedly or worse drop them in just one touch.  

Music label will pressure you to make new music, new albums, press your creative minds, or even if you’re not on the label, you're the one who needs to push yourselves because you can't live only with one music, people want more. You need something to get recognition, your character, your signature, your originality, your lyrical strength, your talent, everything from you. Sometimes, when you have tried your best, give yourselves out, people will still criticize you harshly. Your music only get few streams. It is worse when you were such a youngster with no job, trying work hard in your music without getting somewhere. People keep urging you to get settle job than gambling your future out of music. Well, music industry is not a place for people who needs security and guarantee. There you can see their struggle. Further, if you're also an artists, you know how cruel people when judging your arts, simply because art is about taste. Ignorant people, maybe including ourselves sometimes, give a really bad comment about something artists die making it. All those countless hours, days, months, years, can worth nothing.  

To be specific in the case of the famous musicians with mental health issues history, their music will be just another bad dream. It keeps reminding him of their bitter past, despite the fact it is relieving for the listeners. It will also sound pathetic to them, listening themselves singing motivations and encourage people to stay strong, yet their long-live demons were still there inside their heads, never willing to leave. The more pathetic when people keep chanting their names, praise them as the best musicians, while inside them they feel otherwise. It keeps them awake, questioning themselves all the time.  

seeing the members giving it their all, [makes me think that] doing your best is the norm

before long, the rainy season will arrive. rainy days tend to be a bit gloomy since - even with an umbrella - i get rained on no matter what, and my hair also gets frizzy easily, so i have to wage war against the humidity. back in my junior high days, in order to brighten up my dejected mood even a little, i used to use an umbrella with a flower design that sprung up once the rain started. since my last time wearing rain boots was in elementary school, i was amazed by how stylish their designs are these days.

my favourite way to spend a rainy day is relaxing at home. even if i stay at home even when it's sunny (lol), my ideal [rainy] day would be watching a movie in a dark room with the curtains drawn, all while getting immersed in [the movie's] world. in any case, the movie that would be perfect in such a situation is 'the parent trap'. when i first saw it on TV a long time ago, i got immersed in the twin characters' cuteness and its exciting story, after which i bought the DVD. i even brought it along with me when i moved to tokyo, and it's such a great movie that i end up watching it over and over again.

this month's theme is 'after the rain comes the sunshine'. in the same way that 'no matter how much it may rain, one day it'll stop raining and the sun will shine', i hope that - as you continue working hard, great things will be awaiting you. having said that, i don't think i had much to do with hard work in my student days. i was able to work hard even if it was tough when it came to things i liked - for example, during brass band practice - but i had zero interest in studying. to make up for that, i started reading books in order to arm myself with knowledge. such as i may have been, since joining nogizaka46 i've been influenced by the members' hard work, and it's become second nature for me to try my best in everything. on a day when everyone had to learn the choreography for a new song, some members stayed behind out of their own will to practice on their own. but in that case, when i [tried to] do that i couldn't concentrate, because my attention got drawn in all sorts of directions..... i knew i couldn't go on like this, so when it was decided that i'd be center for the second time for the single 'gomen ne fingers crossed', i bought a large full-body mirror so that i could practice dancing at home to my heart's content. ever since, it's become a custom for me to dance at home all day, especially on the eve of a music video shoot.

i didn't feel the need to reward myself for my hard work at all, the feeling of relief - 'i'm glad it safely came to an end~' - was more than enough for me (LOL). i think what motivates me is something of a strong sense of responsibility, this 'so long as this has been entrusted to me, i want to respond by giving it my all'. whenever you feel like giving up, it's important to have some time away from your work. until about two years ago, i used to [metaphorically] bring certain things from work at home, but little by little i've become better at switching on and off between work and personal life.

what i'm secretly working on right now is being able to fill up my bookshelves at home. last year, i bought a big bookshelf - not quite an-entire-wall big, though - and i'm currently lining up all the novels i've read up until now there. but there are still about two thirds of the space left, which i hope to fill up someday!

BONUS

saku-ranking!

my top three companions to time spent at home are...

#1 glasses

#2 snacks

#3 warm socks