Idk how to explain it and maybe itâs an autism thing or maybe an aroacespec thing or both, idk, but trying to flirt feels inherently insincere to me???
Like, complimenting someone Iâm attracted to in whatever way naturally comes to mind doesnât feel insincere, quite the opposite, although I feel a bit awkward being so bold, it feels good and not *wrong* in spite of said awkwardness- (for example, watching a show with someone Iâm dating and I happen to look over at them and feel a little bit in awe and out of the blue go âoh, youâre absolutely beautifulâ and run my fingers through their hair adoringly while snuggling in closer to them⌠Things such as these I very much enjoy, and they feel natural on some level). But, at least, in my perception of what *deliberate* flirting is, it feels very put on and like a social performance in a way that is frankly off putting and mildly-to-very uncomfortable for me.
Iâm not sure why it bothers me so much, but it does, I donât like doing it or being on the receiving end either (although I wonât deny it feels good for my ego, briefly anyway). Maybe it has to do with the fact that itâs strategic, and dare I say it, even slightly manipulative (I donât mean manipulative with the negative connotation typically associated with it here, at least not necessarily). I know itâs not *all* flirting, of course, but when I think of âgeneric flirtingâ I think of grand but empty words and gestures, hyperbolic compliments (but not hyperbolic enough that it cannot be mistaken for a genuine statement), using body language and double entendres and otherwise making someone read between the lines (rather than being direct about what you want), etc- particularly within earlier stages of a romantic, sexual or otherwise non strictly platonic relationship. I donât understand the appeal of this, and it just feels stressful and even hurtful to me. I donât like being left to guess if someone really feels as strongly as theyâre saying or if theyâre just putting on a show, saying empty words and deliberately changing their body language, expressions, voice, etc as an attempt to draw me in emotionally, while knowing theyâre not being fully authentic.
Maybe itâs just the autism but if I say âyou are sincerely one of the most stunning people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, I think every day about how lucky I am to know and be with you, and feeling our bodies intertwined is a genuinely divine experienceâ I mean every bit of that very literally, no hyperbole, no hidden agenda. If Iâm saying that to you, I wholeheartedly think you are one of the most beautiful people that Iâve ever known, I really do actively think about how lucky I am to know you and be with you *every single day* and cherish this, and I truly view physical acts of affection with you as something holy, an experience I hold with reverence. Is that corny? Donât know, maybe, but I think corny authenticity is less corny than being disingenuous and beating around the bush at what yin actually mean.
I really have no desire- or for that matter, patience- left for inauthentic relationships. I want to know what youâre really thinking and how you really feel, I donât see how intimacy can occur otherwise.
