#aroace diary

community weekend

Since my graduation in '23 enough time has passed for me to stop clinging to the last bits of student life. And yet, the international student association I was part of decided to host one of their networking weekends in my home town. Of course I am going to crash the afters!

An old friend who is still an active Phd student came to the cabin hangout as well. He is such a wholesome cuddly bro and we hugged for a long time. He was more affectionate towards me compared to when we both first joined the organization. We never talked about our queerness out lout, but we did spot each other during last year's pride - me with the aro flag and him rocking the bi colors.

But there are new faces too - there always are. And as Sunday comes to an end with everyone on their trains back home, the instagram requests start comming in. One request is from this incredibly cool Czech girl. I can just tell that she's cool by the smirky looks she has been giving me all weekend long. A few messages in, she drops the bomb: "Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer. But are you straight?" and I reply with a post about Aromantics.

"omg omg! i thought that you belong to us"

A few weeks later we hang out on a 1:1 for a beer and yap about life and our dating history. It is incredible how well we get along in this very new friendship. Looking at my current friendships in my life, one thing becomes a little too obvious. So I straight up ask her: "don't tell me you are neurospicy in some way..." Turns out she has ADS.

And that settles it. The great majority of my friends are women who are either gay or neurospicy or both!

aromantic finding out

The finding out phase inherently succeeds a period of fucking around (not just figuratively). I have limited experience in said initial phase and yet enough that I was ready to find out eventually.

It goes without saying that the finding out phase does not happen in a single day either - the date of this diary is where I received a platonic love letter and felt both loved and love towards my friend.

I have this international friend whom I know as an exchange student at my uni since late 2022. When she was stuck at my school she was struggling with finding friends among the other internationals (she's not one of them party minded Spaniards) and picked the nerdy me for occasional beers. One evening we joined more friends at the annual student section BBQ on campus. Afterwards, me and her walked to the station where I would catch a train back home. She kept being very persuasive about staying some more, to "show me the town". I agreed. This uni town was not my home after all. As we walked through the old town, sharing a cigarette and cuddling on a playground, I was already anticipating where this would be going. This is the textbook college romance/hookup trope. And of course I had given this some thought as early as knowing her. This young, nerdy and cute girl could be someone I could have a crush on. It's why I played along and let myself be convinced further and further beyond the time of my last train that night. She wanted to "show me the student dorms". I agreed, as indeed I have not yet seen the international student accommodation.

I would describe it as a one-thing-led-to-another situation. It was hot and sweaty from the summer night. And overall not very good judging by my very high internalized standards. It did not feel comfortable. I don't think I got any sleep that night simply because we were sharing one small student dorm bed.

About a week later we talked about it. I did not want to continue where this was going. Apparently, there was even an initial misunderstanding as I thought this was a hookup but she was looking for something potentially more serious. But that was it, and we did not let "some riding on it crazy style" destroy our friendship. (sorry not sorry for the meme reels reference)

Eventually, she returned home to her original country and we remain very close long distance friends (playing Helldivers online incl. her boyfriend as recently as 2026). One day I receive a parcel in the mail with a very lovely letter from her, and a watercolor painting. In the letter she thanks me for all the crazy student adventures we embarked on. It is a reply to a similar letter I wrote to her as a parting gift. The painting is her heart poured into recreating an artwork of a sailing boat I sent her earlier on Instagram. She nailed it!

So one day during a call I jokingly asked her if she wanted to play my therapist and help me with my dating struggles and I would pay her in Steam games. We scheduled a session, talked some time over the phone. Then she gave me the homework: to find out why there is a discrepancy in my wanting to date but not feeling the emotions. It's something I almost word-for-word typed into Google and got Cupioromantic as a result. My subsequent deep dive into the aromantic experience set in motion a whole big part of a finding out phase. She is a great therapist - only took one session and Baldurs Gate 3 is now in her Steam collection.

metalhead cuddles

The friends from my metal bubble are hosting their annual backyard metal festival that started during covid lockdown. Next to the boy scout lodge you will find two fridges full of beer, a firepit for BBQ, a grass field with a volleyball net, even a DIY tattoo booth and a projector & sound system blasting Annisokay at full volume into the forest.

This year I bring along my best friend who I used to date before figuring out I was on the aroace spectrum. She is new to the metal scene but the most sociable person in any situation and will go into a moshpit. And metalheads are all friendly. Socializing comes easy. One of the most extroverted guys is telling us all about how he was a Sahara guide this spring. He also helps me out during the bar shift I volunteered for. I am always doing it with this girl with whom I share the same name. It has crossed my mind that it would be hilarious if we dated. She is cute and super funny and is even flexing a tattoo from the treehouse tattoo studio. But then again, just because our names would be a funny meme is not a great reason to start dating. She then tells Sahara guy that she just started dating someone. My reaction is a joyful surprise which prompts Sahara guy to yell: "aww, reactions like this is why I love metalheads!"

Everyone at the fest participates at the annual big game of flunky ball. There are more than 20 people in each tea and it takes forever. Right after I am chilling back to back on a bench with my bestie again. We are talking gossip about some of my friends here. Sahara guy spots us and briefly sits into my lap as a friendly joke. I am in the middle of this cuddle sandwich and liked it. Because the spot is free again I wave at another friend who has been extremely wholesome the whole evening. Tall, handsome bro with a fishnet top from a beatdown hardcore band. He is very much serving non-hetero vibes the whole time. Immediately a smile shows up on his face and sprints to sit onto my lap. We stay like that for some minutes and talk about my future plans to get my face beat up inside a hardcore moshpit. He promises to send me a "scribey" later with some hardcore bands recommendations. This man is so cute :3 An hour later me and my bestie do the rounds to say goodbye and he kisses me on the cheek. This is somehow the sweetest kiss I have ever received from a man. Very wholesome.

+ I love metalheads 🤘

dorm party

Once you have figured out your queer identity you start to find clues all over in your past. This story is from roughly a year before I figured out I am aromantic.

My exchange semester abroad has been extremely fun so far. I am part of several friend groups. Which has the benefit of constantly being invited to some crazy shit. Despite being 4 months in and going all out on social events, any attempts at dating have not come to fruition as of today (one wonders why...)

Tonight, a friend from the group I hang out with the most is hosting the second edition of an incredible dorm party in his hall. Everybody in the group has been anticipating this event for a week now. He organizes an entire game torunament with classics like: darts, beer pong, coinflip into glass and "eat a cookie on your forehead without using your hands". Nobody really cares who is winning on the scoreboard - it is all just so much chaotic fun.

As the evening progresses, the event turns more and more into a party. The games are long finished and people chant to pop classis from DJ spotify. Others sit on the kitchen floor sharing a good deep talk. With midnight approaching my fellow student friends start to leave to go back to their dorms. Usually I am an early leaver. Not tonight. I find myself in the company of this girl I have been fancying. She is very cute and incredibly fun to be around. Bonus points for coming from the same country as me. We sit side by side on the hallway floor with our arms around each other. We cuddle and talk all night long. Only a few friends are still here. Two of them are dancing in the main room down our hallway. They would make a great couple. Behind them though the window we can see the light of dawn rise. These winter months were tough with all the darkness. It feels nice to see summer approaching. I realize that I have never before stayed up all night for a party like this.

Slowly, we start getting ready to leave as well. My cuddle buddy lives in the hall right above mine, so we share the same way home. In the staircase we say goodbye and good night. For a split second I wonder if this is the moment where someboddy would initiate a kiss or ask the other one to come with them. Something I will never find out.

This friend would later tell me (to my surprise) that she "fucked around" a lot during that exchange year. Until today I have not dared to ask if I actually had any game with her.

three dates in one night

Preface: I usually write aroace diaries here. This story though is from well before I knew that I am aromantic. Just last week I was reminded of it because I was out with my ex girlfriend's girlfriend. She asked me how I got to know my ex. And it is a really cool story #flex

The year is 2020 - the first wave of the COVID pandemic. It is summer however, and we are enjoying the small bits of promised freedom that came with the warmer weather. I am on summer break from uni and swiping away on Tinder where I match with a girl who is in her last year of high school. She aspires to attend film school in autum. How serious she is about it becomes evident when she tells me that she is in the middle of directing her own short film project. There is a whole organization for young filmmakers, a government culture fund and a crowdfunding page involved. It is incredibly well organized with filming permits in town and hired theater actors. She invites me to be an extra. Filming starts on Monday.

Of course I show up. Today us extras are supposed to be right wing demonstrators shouting some made up slogans in the middle of town. It is awkward at first but seeing the actual main actors (all high scoolers) give it their all in their roles is so much fun. My date later texts me to invite me to the third and last filming day. The scene backdrop is a nightclub for which they booked the local theater club as a location.

I dress up accordingly fine and show up an hour late. Surprisingly not to the dismay of my date. She is still in the middle of preparations and nowhere ready to start shioting. She ushers me to go talk to some of the actors. Never have I laughed so hard at all the insane stories they were reenacting in the goofiest way possible. There was also another girl there. Tall, sporty with very short locks and an almost suspicious curiosity. Frankly, with the fancy dress and high heels that the scene requires she looks stunning. Right there I make a mental acknowledgement of the word: gorgeous. She shows me her insta on her phone which she has set to French to learn the language. I am not that oblivious to when somebody seems interested in me. But then I also do not want to assume too much right away. We are in a group after all. And my actual date: Ms. directress is still running around somewhere fixing a makeup and welcoming the hired live band.

Filming starts a whole 3 hours delayed. I am assigned a corner to stand in and act all bar-visitor-ish. There I meet another one of the high school friends who is posing as an extra. So we start talking a little. For the sensational title of this story: this is my second date tonight although only pretend (everything for the arts!!).

The nightclub scene includes a live performance, a gun prop and some fake blood. Incredible scenery. Just short of midnight all the pictures are in the box and we help each other clean up the little theater. I say goodbye to the directress telling her how incredibly fun it was and head towards the exit. Gorgeous girl from before follows me and straight up shoots her shot: "should we grab a drink somewhere?" I pause and contemplate the ramifications but say yes nontheless...

We started dating after that night. Not for long though as I began finding out why dating has not been working great for me. But finding the aromantic label would still take me a few years. Without that night I would not have met my best friend who is the ex mentioned in the intro (she is till gorgeous).

Also dodging the directress for her friend understandably resulted in some drama that lasted for about 2 days. I met the directress again about a year later for the premiere screening.

cuddle buddy card game

My friend from the students association days has been in her "hoe phase" for the past year. She is very pretty and has no trouble finding dates on all the apps. She therefore has plenty of tea every time I see her. Which happens every couple of weeks when me, her and another friend (a gang called the Anxious Avoidants Anonymous) hang out to share our life lore updates.

Last year she complained that none of her fuck boys would stay over for cuddling. I half jokingly volunteered myself. She was immediately flattered and laughed how sweet that is. I took this as a friendly rejection. A mistake as I found out a few weeks ago when I asked her about that one time I proposed cuddling. In her uncensored ADHD manner she calls me out: "I thought you would propose something..." So it is a new opportunity it seems. We schedule an appointment for our first cuddle session. At this point we are also fully aware that she is dating a guy for a couple of months now. She knows that he knows that she is still going on dates with other people. But she is too avoidant to have the talk with him to make it an exclusive relationship. If we want to have some cuddles, we should do it soon - otherwise risk that she cannot use the excuse of not being exclusive anymore.

But then life happens. She reschedules the first hangout, I postpone the second... but today we finally meet up at her new place. Only yesterday she texted me that she finally had the talk with her new boyfriend. So no cuddles today. Nevertheless, we have a fantastic neurospicy time being tipsy on her signature rosé Lillet cocktail. We play Split Fiction on the Playstation all evening long.

This would have been my first cuddle buddy. Only later I realize that I have absolutely no idea how to actually approach cuddling in a situationship like this. And I should be better prepared for any future cuddle buddies that I may want to recruit. Inspired by a popular red card game about deep talk, I invent my own decks. I let Claude code create the website and chatGPT generate a bunch of cuddle prompts. The prompts are semi viable. I filter, rewrite and replace them with my own fantasies. I share the resulting webpage with a few friends who absolutely love the idea. They promise to try it with their partners and give me feedback of this game.

bar muscle up

New year's resolutions are a stinking pile of bullshit if done the wrong way. On the other hand, having a bucket list for the year is a great way to keep track of all your sidequests. Today I am going to tick off visiting a new crossfit location with my bestie.

I find myself in in a large place underground in an industrial area that is partitioned into part gym, part warehouse. My friend who introduced me to the sport is training with her girlfriend down here in the open gym today. Which means, they are doing their own plan instead of a guided class. She sent me the exercise list earlier so I could dread the shuttlecock runs the whole train ride here. The first half of the exercise are a deadly amount of bench presses which for the first time ever, I fail. My muscle mommy of a friend helps me rack the bar again. I gladly skip their second part for I want to work on my bar muscle up. The power is there but the technique is missing just a tiny amount to get over that bar. Some fellow old sports cheer me on. Then finally I push over it. But instead of joy I feel pain from my shoulders cramping. I jump down and lay on the ground. Stressful week - I think to myself as I lay in pain. Only a few minutes later I am back at the bar doing more BMUs as if this skill is now unlocked on my character skill tree forever.

To celebrate it I invite both girls for dinner. My bestie does have time and we pick out the vegan restaurant by the train station. While waiting for the bus a very extroverted feline furball joins us in dire need of cuddles. The snapshot I take makes my friend look like a saint.

At dinner I show some power point slides on my phone. They are from a life lore update I made for some friends to share recent gossip in our lives. My narration of the events must sound very unhinged for the average salarymen who are also having dinner at this late hour. Proven soon enough by the quietly perplexed glances we earn from another guest. The next slide is about my bestie who sits right accross. So before I proceed, I have to preface what I mean by the cynical joke that follows. I use it to jokingly justify my aromanticism.

"How can I ever attempt dating again, if I fumbled *this* woman? (twice) Now 50% more fumble"

Back in lockdown we used to date. It was before I had any clue of my orientation and I ended it in a panic. Today we are as close as ever. She knows I am aromantic. But the nature of the joke surprises her in a positive way. "It is always interesting to see how other people in your life see you. I was not aware people hold me in such high regard" she explains.

And it highlighs beautifully the levels of deep love us aromantics can have for our friends. On the train home I listen to the songs that remind me of her and smile into the night. What an incredible woman. I wholeheartedly love her <3

my first kinky rave

(tw: not actually that explicit)

I don't remember why I was interested in going to such an event. It could be part "bragging rights" for doing unhinged sidequests and part over-compensating for not wanting to have sex.

During a usual post lunch coffee yap sesh with my work bestie, I mention that my other friend just came back from a night out at the kitkat club in Berlin. To me such a rave just sounds very cool. And as the coincidence has it: my bestie tells me that she plans to attend her first one with a friend soon. "Remember her? She did the tattoo on your thigh at the squat house" ... "yea, her flatmate is organizing this event for the first time in town" ... "surely you could join". So we agreed to do a sleepover at her place and share this rave experience. To match the dress code of the party I assemble an outfit. A fishnet shirt, a chest harness, a navy blue Tennis skirt and for a touch of personality: a golden lego brick on a chocker/necklace.

The evening of the rave starts at work besties place. We watch a classic she has never seen before: Pride (2014). After doing a fit check we head to the event location. The place has a cozy size with one main dance floor and two draped off "play zones" on each side line. The music is actually decent. I usually hate techno but this one is somewhat chill and vibey. It does not take long until all three of us end up investigating the one play zone that is not reserved for couples only. We take turns fettering each other to the BDSM cross that is conveniently placed in there and then whipping each other with a cheaply assembled flogger. It is wholesome with a lot of consent and reassurances. After all, she is my coworker. All in all, I would rate the experience 49.5% hilarious (hehe, haha, we are doing BDSM), 49.5% extreme cringe (how the f* am I supposed to act? People actually take this serious?) and maybe 1% actual horny but only because the other friend can unintentionally hold very intense eye contact (it's the autism rizz. and yes, at least 2/3 have the diagnosis).

The playroom starts filling up with more people. Some are getting down to business in front of everyone. I will not elaborate the details: They bewilder me. My bestie and her friend are also borderline making out at this point. I head back to the dancefloor for the music, the vibe and the people watching. The outfits are stunning and I find plenty of inspiration to draft my own "cosplays" for future raves. Even without the sex this rave format is such a wholesome and safe experience. 100x better than your average techno rave with sweaty shirtless bros thinking they should do a moshpit.

At 2am I tell the girls that I am calling it a night and leave the venue to go back to her place where her girlfriend is waiting. I make myself comfortable on the sofa and about an hour later the two girls I left behind come home too. Apparently the three of them share a bed. I fall asleep to the thought of how fucking cool my friends are.