#aro dean

PRIDE PARADE!!!

Aro/Bi Dean wants pie!!

Ace (up his sleeves) Cas is getting all the pokéstops!!

Pan(romantic) Sam is shopping!!

Sam is dragging Dean around the markets, Dean is guiding Cas because that angel can't look up from his phone (he's playing Pokémon Go)

(I finally did something about the aro Dean squirming around in my head because @somethingbiblical)

Case in point: I meant to ask this one last week for aro week. Any aro Dean Wincest headcanons? Just like... Particular ways you think it does or doesn't impact the relationship. Or how it changes how they get together. Or their opinions on monogamy or the relationship in general. Or changes the sex. Or like. Anything.

- @schizosamwincester

Okay so I wasn't on board with aro dean before I started interacting with you because I was deep in D*stiel denial. Now I have seen the light.

I think Sam and Dean don't have a drive for romance in their relationship. I have a friend who is aromantic who is married to another friend who is very much not aromantic and I love learning about how they navigate their relationship so everyone feels comfortable and fulfilled. I think that Sam and Dean would do something similar to what my friends do.

For my friends, they're really just two people who love each other very much and enjoy spending time together. While one friend may feel like something is romantic, the other doesn't and nobody is offended by them taking different interpretations from their interactions. They occasionally will go out on a "date" so that the non-aro gets that experience but there's no pressure for the aro friend to act any different than they do during a regular outing together.

I think Dean is kind of grossed out by romance in general. He may not be fully romance repulsed but he feels weird when he's expected to fulfill this fantasy of romance that people have in relationships.

Sam knows this and doesn't want Dean to do something that isn't genuine and also ultimately causes him emotional harm just to appease him. I think Sam finds joy in the little things that someone could see as romantic but for Dean they're just normal acts.

My answer is a little complicated, anon.

Essentially, yes, I headcanon Dean as aro/arospec. But this is a headcanon, not what I think the show intended as canon; much as I'm sure it wasn't their intention to canonize Sam and Dean as a queerplatonic life partnership, nevertheless they did, for those of us who know and appreciate what that is.

I've seen arguments for him being frayromantic (when someone only experiences romantic attraction towards those that they are not deeply connected with, and lose that attraction as they get to know the individuals), and that lends itself well to the way Dean has been shown to be a very romantic lover, I suppose.

But I tend to think of him more as greyromantic (feeling romantic attraction rarely/infrequently, and only under certain circumstances). I think this can account for Cassie and Lisa, and lends itself well to my SamDean headcanons.

Now, as for "all his secret desires for romantic picnics and an apple pie life," I personally think this perspective only works if you haven't finished the series. Particularly if you haven't gone past season 5 or 6.

Now, in s2, we get a glimpse of this idea of Dean's secret "apple pie" desires in What Is and What Should Never Be. But that is less about Dean's romantic desires than it is a manifestation of his boyhood desire for his family to not be affected by the supernatural. For he and Sam to have grown up in a normal, stable family (with normal chores like mowing the lawn for your mom, instead of cleaning the guns for your dad), and for Dean not to be the reason his dad is dead. And once again, Sam is the one with more of an apple pie life, whilst Dean has a reputation for drinking and doesn't have a relationship with Sam.

In s3, we get Dean's dream about Lisa and the picnic. This dream often leads to the interpretation that Dean loved Lisa the whole time, and sometimes causes upset at the apparent slighting of Cassie as Dean's first/true love, but I think it's a mistake to take this dream at face value -- dreams rarely are just what they show, even if spn tends to be heavy handed in their storytelling.

-- again, I think it's less about Dean's romantic desires, and more about the idyllic life he's never been able to have -- and won't get a chance to because of his Hell deal. Lisa is the one in the dream because of that split second where Dean thought Ben could be his son-- in the middle of this middle class neighborhood with a bouncy house and backyard bbq-- and he imagined an entirely different possible life for himself if he wasn't a hunter headed to Hell. Dean is easily baby-trapped, lbr.

Being aromantic doesn't necessarily preclude fantasizing about being able to be romantic, either. Especially if a person is still on their journey of self discovery. Sexual and Romantic orientation are a spectrum, too, and sometimes that spectrum is traveled throughout one's life. And sometimes we spend time fantasizing about the ability/ideal to do what is socially expected of us.

But the Dean of mid-to-late seasons doesn't really show a desire for an "apple pie life" beyond his belief that he wants Sam to have one. He doesn't talk about settling down himself, or show a desire to build lasting romantic relationships with anyone other than Sam, who he married in a handfasting in Sacrifice.

And when Sam asks Dean in Baby if he never thinks about settling down-- well, actually, here's how that post-Piper scene goes:

SAM: Dean, I can explain what was going on -- DEAN: No, no, no. No. SAM: Don't "Night Moves" me. DEAN: Shh. Just let it wash over you. SAM: Let . . . DEAN: Just take it in. Bob Seger’s “Night Moves” plays on the radio.

[The Night Moves interlude, my beloved...but cut for length.]

Let's take a moment here to appreciate Sam's apparent need to explain himself to Dean. 👀

SAM: I tried to give her my number. You know what she said? DEAN: "We got tonight. Who needs tomorrow"? SAM: Is everything a Bob Seger song to you? DEAN: Yes. Well . . . [ sighs ] SAM: It was nice knowing you, Piper. DEAN: Piper? That's awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we're lucky we still get that at all. SAM: Really? You don't . . . Ever want something more?

DEAN: I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life? DEAN: Have you not heard a single word Bob's been singing about?

And Dean leaves it at that, but it's pretty clear romance is not something he's really thinking about. He's seemingly fine getting even the small amount of "one night wonders" that 'they' do get. (Another moment here to appreciate that Dean's pronouns are we/us, in a SamAndDean kind of way. --and that this conversation takes place over the course of a very domestic montage.)

Now, granted, at this time they're dealing with the release of the Darkness and all that entails; and granted Dean has been dealing over 3 seasons with the perpetual idea that he should expend his life and soul for the sake of Sam getting that apple pie life; but Dean seems to have left those "domestic" thoughts behind even before he had Castiel wipe Lisa and Ben's minds in s6. Dean's primary domestic relationship is with his brother, and as long as Sam is there, that's alright with Dean.

And what does Amara give Dean as his reward for helping her with Chuck in s11? Mary. Ignoring the later reasoning/retcon that she did it to teach Dean some lesson, we can say that once again Dean's domestic desires are pinpointed as having a fulfilled family life, but not necessarily romantic fulfillment.

And later, when Dean's "greatest desire" comes up again in Lebanon, what does he get from the pearl? He gets his father and mother, alive again under the same roof as him and Sam (and if you want to give subtextual meaning to Doylist ~fanservice~ concerns, wished it so that John and Sam would get along better than they would've if that were the actual 2003!John).

And aro Dean, who cares so much and loves so much (but not in the romantic way sense) can't understand that. He thinks he must be some kind of fucked up slut because he can't love back, not matter how hard he tries.

Even worst when you mix the aromantic trauma with the bisexual issues, and suddenly Dean is swimming in guilt and shame.

Dean CAN'T romantically love people back.

Dean takes Cas out so he can get laid, because he's been interested in the concept of sex lately, but Cas isn't attracted to anyone and they come back home and spend the night watching tv instead.

The next morning Sam asks about the night out and Cas tells him he found some pretty intesrestimg people, but he "didn’t feel the urge to have sex with any of them".

"Wait, is this the reason why you gave up?" Dean's question was toned with amusement and followed by and eyeroll to Sam, 'can you believe him?'

Dean frowns when Cas answers with a nod.

"People don't actually do that, man."

"They... do."

"Hate to break that bubble, Sammy, but that’s something they made up to make porn more interesting."

"No, it isn't. Wait, don't you think people are attractive?"

"Where is this coming from? Of course I can appreciate when people are hot."

"So you want to have sex with them because of that."

Dean has to roll his eyes again, how could Sammy not get it?

"No? I have sex because it's fun and that's what you're supposed to do, but it's not like on tv, I won't be upset or frustrated if I don't get laid by someone with pretty eyes and nice smile or something. I thought you had known the basics already, college kid."

"But you check women out!"

"Because that's what men do!" He remembered Dad's implicit lessons (and others not so implicit) after Dean became, well, became Dean at the older Winchester's eyes.

"You have sex all the time!"

"Not in a long while, why would I when we're perfectly happy here? Why are we even having this conversation?"

"Because people do feel attracted to each other."

"Like what? They get an urge and have sex because they looked at each other?" Dean scoffs.

"Well, yes."

Idk what would happen here, Sam probably would try to explain what sexual attraction felt like and Dean would be like ??? No, never felt that.