#arnold horshack

No one? Too bad!

First things first, some ground rules. This is a remake, not a modernization. It’s still set in the mid-to-late 1970s. This is meant to be more serious than the original,  but we are not going full Dark N’ Gritty with it. It’s more of a Dramedy; taking the more than a little one-dimensional characters from the old show and making them into human beings. Romantic relationships between the students may happen (I have some ideas in that direction), but even if they do, they shouldn’t be the focus. The main thrust of the students’ character arcs comes from their individual journeys from early Sophmores who have given up on themselves (or at the very least gotten discouraged and don’t feel that anyone believes in them) to graduating Seniors with plans for their lives. The romance that will get the most focus will be the one between the Kotters—not that we’re pulling that bullshit thing where a married couple has to constantly tease breaking up or else they’re not “interesting” enough, but simply that their marriage is an important part of their lives. In addition to adding some important girls to this sausage-fest, we’re also altering the pre-existing characters somewhat. So, without further ado…

Gabriel “Gabe” Kotter: I’m well aware that, even if we were actually making this, we wouldn’t be able to get him, but in the vein of this character being played by an already-successful stand-up comic, I’m kind of envisioning him as he would be portrayed by John Mulaney. He has the air of someone who is constantly so anxious about so many things that he’s come out the other side and achieved a sort of zen calm. He should have the ability to completely change tracks at the drop of a hat without appearing to be perturbed at all. He can respond the most outlandish of happenings with a reaction that boils down to “Well, naturally.” Don’t play poker with him. But for all that, he does have feelings. In addition to the aforementioned ever-churning cauldron of various anxieties, he loves his wife with his whole heart, and cares passionately about his students and his quest to improve things for the Sweathogs. That being said, he has no illusions that these are all simply misunderstood saints—he well remembers himself and his classmates. “We were a bunch of terrors. We were angry, and we were discouraged, and we were scared, and we were resentful, and we took it all out on anyone we could. Including each other, and even ourselves. All the smiling pity in the world wouldn’t have turned us around. But maybe, just maybe, a little bit of commitment would have.” And that’s what he intends to bring. Commitment. He may offer his students more respect than most teachers have offered them, but unflappability and calm are not to be confused for pushoverness.

Julie Kotter: Sweet, wholesomely pretty (could be a bombshell knockout if she wanted to, but usually doesn’t. If you tell her she’s beautiful, she won’t deny it, but it’s not something she spends much time thinking about.) Kind of a hippy but, like, in a mainstream way. Has a strong, ahem, sensual side that comes as a surprise after her girl-next-door first impression. People also tend to be surprised by the biting wit that serves as a steam valve for her usually long-suffering nature. While she agrees in principle with her husband’s quest, the speed with which the Sweathogs make his (and therefore her) home their own troubles her (“I’m just not sure I’m ready to be a mother”). But in the end, her compassion gets the better of her and she comes to care for the kids just as much as he does, though never loosing her flair for the well-placed smart remark.

Vincent “Vinnie” Barbarino: Sometime early in elementary school, someone told an amiable but image-conscious child that he was stupid. This rather stung him. After mulling it over for a bit, he decided, partially consciously and partially not, that if he had to be stupid, then by God, he would be stupid. Realizing that, with a little theatricality, abject stupidity could make those around him laugh, and deliberate abject stupidity made sure they were laughing with rather than at him, he decided that this was his role: the Class Fool. Fast-forward to high school, and affect has become habit has simply become personality. Good looks and charm coupled with a stubborn idiocy. You see, for all his presentation as someone who cares nothing about anything, he still cares, very much, about his reputation, and it’s much less damaging to be seen to not try then the to be seen to try and fail. Somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, he may be beginning to realize that this is not doing his future any favors, but thinking about that too hard would interfere with his indolent good cheer, so he is Not Going To Do That.

Kim Song: For most of her life, this second-generation Korean was quietly studious, with just enough ambition to drive her forward. Then,  in her freshman year of high school, a friend convinced her to come with her to a big house party, she tried to loosen up, had a little too much to drink, blacked out...and two weeks later she got the final confirmation that her life was changing forever. Plenty of girls in her position would have given up on any ambition beyond what was necessary to keep herself and her baby alive. Song is not plenty of girls. The new life growing in her stomach lit a fire in her soul: she has more to think of than her future now; there’s someone she’s going to need to provide for. And now, within this five-foot, red-eyed package there lies a mind like a steel trap, ambition that could melt steel beams,  and the elocution of an 18th-century political firebrand. And since her “shameful” teen pregnancy got her assigned to the Sweathogs where various inspectors and superintendents would be less likely to see her (and never mind what kind of black mark that would leave on her record, or that she had been in the highest honors classes and academically still deserves to), we can add a new element to the list—a deep, abiding rage that only serves to make the rest sharper. She’s going to become a lawyer. Not “wants” to become a lawyer, not “hopes” to become a lawyer, not “is trying” to become a lawyer, she is going to become a lawyer. And God help any disruptive classmate or apathetic teacher who gets in her way.

Arnold Horshack: If I may editorialize for a moment, this boy’s characterization in the original show as I understand it confused me. How could such a keen student just...never have the right answer? And why did someone whose whole thing is that he’s the character who actually does want to learn constantly pull class discussion off on seemingly irrelevant tangents? And I think the best explanation, especially factoring in all his “odd” behaviors,  is that he is...Not Neurotypical. Probably has a lot of ADD, possibly on the Autism Spectrum. The answer to the question he’s just been asked is in his brain somewhere, but that doesn’t mean he can just...call it up on command. Maybe it was at the front when he raised his hand, but you took too long to acknowledge him, and now it’s gone. And those “irrelevant” comments he’s always making? They’re not irrelevant. You just cant play Six Degrees of Separation as quickly or efficiently as he can. Can and does. All the time. Without realizing he’s blazing a path where others will have a hard time following. Some of those quirks are just part of who he is, but some of them are the result of him trying to be more like everyone else and...not quite hitting the target. All his academic life, he’s been extremely keen for knowledge, but he’s never tested well because it was hard for him to focus. And the more bad grades he wracked up, the more tests started to make him anxious, which made it even harder for him to focus. Add that to all those quirks and oddities making many a teacher uncomfortable, aaaaaaaand welcome to the Sweathogs. He still wants to be enthusiastic, but as the series begins, he’s been kicked so many times, so to speak, that there’s a layer of nervousness and inch thick.

Juliana Diana Katarina “Jewel” Donizetti: Coming as she does from a large family, she learned early on to raise her voice and fight for the attention she needed. Eventually, just yelling became a little too declasse for her (although, with an accent thicker than Molly from Sailor Moon, she never lost the ability to make her voice heard through a crowd), so she cultivated her wit, honing it to the point of a superpower. If she so chooses, she can effortlessly cut you down to an inch tall with a single well-placed remark, but at her best, she can also use her humor to bridge gaps, break ice, and make friends. However, her usual role is that of the loudmouth and wiseass, and one day, she made the wrong comment to the wrong teacher and oops, off to the Sweathogs we go. Her aggressive personality,  while not a facade per se, does serve to mask a more sensitive side, including a big heart that’s surprisingly easily bled.

Freddie “Boom-Boom” Washington: He’s...actually a reasonably intelligent, pretty well-adjusted kid? Sure, he leans a little too hard into being cool and smooth-talking all the time, but hey, it’s high school, lots of people do things like that. He wouldn’t have been put in the Sweathogs in a million years, except Sports. See, he’s one of the basketball team’s most valuable players,  but to stay on the team, his grades have to all be a B- or higher. So when it looked like he was about to get a C in some subject, the coach pulled a few strings to get him transferred to the Sweathogs, where the standards were lower, so his grades could be higher, so he could technically meet the requirements to stay on the team, even though his academic performance hadn’t really improved. Sports, go Sports! This is going to lead to Drama when Kotter, in his determination to give the Sweathogs an actual curriculum, puts Freddie’s easy string of As and Bs in jeopardy, forcing him to either really buckle down...or decide how important Basketball is to him after all.

Rosalie “Hotsie” Totsie: Also fairly well-adjusted and reasonably intelligent, though not an academic superstar. Has a friendly, laid-back personality that tends toward a state of gently wry amusement. Probably the most noteworthy thing about her is her unashamed promiscuity. She likes fun. She likes sex. And she sees no reason why she shouldn’t have both of those things, within the bounds of other people’s boundaries. She always uses a condom. She doesn’t interfere in pre-existing relationships. She won’t force herself on someone, or lie and pretend to be interested in a more serious relationship than she is just to get someone into bed. And she won’t lie about her habits, and is not inclined to bothered by whatever “reputation” she may be garnering. However, despite her best quiet efforts, society is still society. And her refusal to lie about her extracurriculars had started causing many teachers to view her with a disapproving eye. And then caused one particular teacher to look at her with a different kind of eye. At first, she tried to turn him down politely, but after he persisted, she was forced to be firm. And he didn’t like that one bit. So he took advantage of the Bad Girl reputation she was getting herself to convince the relevant authorities that she belonged in the Sweathogs. That’ll teach her. She’s trying to make the best of the situation, but being put in the punishment class can’t help but sting, and knowing that an older authority figure decided to make her life miserable as a direct punishment for her not being sexually available to him is...an icky feeling.

Juan Epstien: Child of a Jewish man and a former Puerto Rican Catholic woman who converted for love. Yes, the misdirection with his background in the original series was clever, but I’m going somewhere with this. See, he and his parents are the epicenter for the coming together of their two clans, so he is the child of not one, but two large, close-knit extended families. And he utterly adores both parents, and both extended families, and both cultures, and both sides of his heritage, and he does not take kindly to people suggesting that one side or the other is inferior, or that one side or the other is less important, or that of course he must value one side more than the other, or that he should value one side more than the other, or that he doesn’t really belong to either side. And various people in school kept on doing that; some out of genuine malice, some more out of ignorance. Add in something of a hot temper, and he started getting into a lot of fights at school, which upset his parents, and he didn’t want to upset his parents, but what was he to do when people just kept on needing to be hit whenever he went to school? Eventually, the solution presented itself: don’t go to school. Thus, the forged absence notes began, and they continued until some teacher finally caught wise and, realizing just how far back this stretched, felt they had no choice but to relegate him to the Sweathogs. When not provoked, he is a fairly easygoing (if more than a little sarcastic) young man, who frequently surprises people with just how his two backgrounds have come together to shape him.