#aresko

You've got this problem with a group of rebels stealing your supplies and harassing your troops, so your employers send a 'big tall scary agent guy' to figure out how to fix the problem, since your boss is away at a work meeting and didn't say when she'd be back.

The agent smiles and reassures you that it's not just a you problem and that he's there to help take care of it. You are immensely relieved by this, grateful for the assistance.

Except he fails at doing that.

The agent proceeds to call in even bigger, taller, scarier guys in to 'help'. You still don't know when your boss will be back.

And the agent STILL fails at catching the rebels. Repeatedly.

This gets you and your favorite coworker killed as an example. Not even as the main target, but as an annoyance to be shoved aside. You think your boss at least, while terrifying in her own right, wouldn't have beheaded you with a lightsaber.

The agent is traumatized by your death, not even because he was trying to help you, but because HE doesn't wanna be beheaded. Which is understandable, but still, that hurts.

Time passes, things happen, and now the agent has switched sides! He's actually joined the very same rebels he had told you he would catch! The audacity! You think maybe if he had done that sooner you might still have a head!

And to really frost the cake, he and his new friends attack the city, take over your workplace (you actually liked working there) and blow up your boss! (She definitely had it coming)

so I decided to make a list of how I would insult the imperial officers (mostly from rebels) to their faces

No it doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to, I'm just coping.

Yes I will be vulgar.

Yes it may contain spoilers.

I will probably update it in the future

Aresko

You look like an offspring of a squid that had a romance with a zombie and that's putting it lightly. I would've killed you too if I had to work with you, you dumb fucking walking corpse bitch scared of the sun and soap

Constantine

Ugly ass dumb bitch, I don't know whose dick you had to suck to be an Admiral (it was Tarkin's, wasn't it?). Shave that mustache and apologise to your mother because whatever she tried to teach apparently went straight over you empty head

Lyste

Bitchboy twink whose whole self confidence is built around that stupid badge and it fucking shows, you're no one without that uniform and deep down you know that. You also know that one day you will have to answer for your actions, all the horrible things you've done to innocent people just to feel like you're somebody.

Konstantine: *covers chest and crotch* "The AUDACITY!!"

Pryce: *only covers chest* *angry threats of execution* "How DARE you!!!*

Aresko: *Shrieks* *covers whole body with shower curtain*

Lyste: *completely forgets he's naked, salutes* "Where am I needed?"

Grint: *punches you in face*

Yularen: *defeated sigh* *covertly covers crotch* "PLEASE tell me this is an emergency."

Kallus: *Covers crotch, turns bright red* *indignant spluttering* "Do you MIND???"

Thrawn: *covers nothing* *confused thinking face* "Fascinating...."

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Bonus: *Open curtain and find a very soggy Zeb, turned away*

Kallus: *peeks out from around Zeb's shoulder*

What if Cumberlayne Aresko had survived? This piece is based on AU thoughts by @pileofsith and the touching fic, "Loyalty", written in honor of them. 

 The former commandant, stripped of his identities, his rank, and his honor, grieves in his office. The lightsaber burn is a constant reminder of his failure, but even its agony cannot mask the despair of losing the closest thing Aresko had to a real friend.