#aprilsucks

lately i’ve found myself not so intent on traveling for bands so much or as often; more content in going somewhere maybe once a month instead of the usual three times within a week. it scares me honestly, that sometimes i’d rather be at home working or doing something to benefit a better working environment. i’d rather sit at home being counterproductive than to follow a tour, as much as i always want to follow a tour sometimes it can get exhausting. and it scares me that this is something that i’m feeling because what if one day i miss it? i’ve missed shows that i could’ve experienced and loved the vibe of. just for the sake of being tired and feeling too old. growing up doesn’t have to be so scary, but i make it that way because i don’t want to grow up. i want to stay hopeful and vibrant and young and excited for the rest of my life. i am lucky that i’m able to travel as much as i do. it would be my dream to have a job where i would get paid to travel and work, putting both of the things that i love to do into one so i wouldn’t have to miss one or the other. as you grow up and gain the skills you need for your job or your managers, and you start to feel and be important to people you start to grow within yourself to continue to be important to them. slowly you start to realize that this is happening and it’s fulfilling and terrifying all at once. i want to be skilled and professional but i also want to see the world and inspire it.

— just a few things that have been on my mind this month of april. i’m happy i have a vacation in may and i get to take a break from this feeling.

I'm so upset because now i cant fucking see it.