#apprentice hazel

A pounding on her wooden door made the dirt from the fixture of the frame fall around the papers scattered on the floor. People had been shoving her mail through the slot of her door. Condolence letters, bills, her dad’s unpaid debts. It’s been a lot, which she’s chosen to ignore. She couldn’t handle this again. Not again. Now she was alone and she had nobody. The strong-willed, loudmouthed, hot-headed girl that Kawabata knew as Jasika Ito... she wasn’t around anymore.

“Jasika! Answer the fucking door.”

Jasika held back a sob, looking at her door shake with wet, dead eyes. She had left her contacts in, and they had hurt from all her crying. She didn’t bother taking them out. What was the point? She didn’t see one. 

“Jasika!”

“Shut up! You’re gonna break my door down...” she sniffled, looking at the tattoo on her hand. It was half of a heart. And now half of that heart was due to be put in a grave. 

“Yeah! That’s the fucking point-”

She heard the lock burst as Hazel shouldered his way in. The metal clattered on the floor and the door gave way like a broken toothpick. He nearly popped the hinges. He tracked mud all over her scattered mail and immediately clamped a hand over his nose when he entered the shabby house. It really did reek in there. Like piss and liquor and spoiled food.

“Ugh, fuck. Jashi...” Hazel’s eyes couldn’t get past the squalor. There weren’t any dishes piled up in the sink because she hadn’t eaten a thing. But there were clothes strewn everywhere, books and photos on the floor too. He was sure that there was spoiled milk around in there somewhere. He had never seen her like this before. He didn’t know things could get this bad. Jasika was so strong... He felt something between pity, second-hand embarrassment, and anger. 

“Get out,” she spat. Her dirty hair was tangled and matted and clinging to her tear-stained pillow with static electricity. Hazel saw her, her back to him, tangled up in the blankets of her bed. He saw the stains on her pants.

She fucking pissed herself... Hazel thought dejectedly. He walked over and tried to touch her shoulder. She felt him come closer and her stomach sunk. 

“I said... get the fuck out, Hazel.” 

She was ashamed for him to see her like this. Not much could embarrass her, but this was one of those things. Not Hazel. He would surely judge her for this. She knew that.

Hazel stormed over to her and grabbed her wrist, lifting the girl out of the bed by her arm. She kicked at him with her bare feet, flailing at him to let her go. She didn’t weight much at all, especially not now. Hazel saw her ribs when her shirt came up. He didn’t like that one bit.

“Don’t touch me! What the fuck are you doing! Leave me alone, you fucking bastard!”

Her voice was raw, it was hoarse and strained and not the pretty voice Hazel knew. This wasn’t Jasika. This wasn’t his Jasika at all. 

“Shut up,” he grunted, using both hands to yank her out of bed. He dragged her through the filth of her home, grappling with her wrists. Her skin was cold when he grabbed her. Her stench was stronger now that she was moving around and it almost made him gag. “You’re getting in the bath!”

“No!” She wrenched her hand free and punched him in the chest. She didn’t want to fight him, but she just really wanted to be left alone. Hazel pulled her hair, making her shriek and stop her struggling.

“Yes! You’re getting in the damn bath and after that we’re cleaning up this shithole! Your old man would be pissed, you know that?”

Jashi’s stomach twisted in shame. She was angry... but Hazel was right.

She was compliant after that, walking to the bathroom with Hazel guiding her from behind, gripping her shoulders firmly. He relaxed when they got into the bathroom. At least that part of the house was still clean. It was still how he remembered it. His toothbrush was sitting next to hers in the glass cup that her brother had made her. 

Jasika didn’t fight when Hazel stripped off her stinking clothes and balled them up and threw them in the corner. She didn’t fight when he turned on faucet and put her in the tub like a child. She didn’t fight when he soaped up her hair and roughly combed through it. She just stared at the heart on her hand.

“Here. I’ll go find get you some new clothes.” Hazel placed a sponge in her hand and she took it blankly. “You better be washing your ass when I get back.”

He was hesitant to leave her, but he went to the main room of her place anyway. As soon as he was out the door, Jashi’s eyes filled with tears. They streamed down her swollen cheeks and dripped into the bathwater. It was a mixture of disbelief, sadness and gratitude. Hazel cared about her enough to come help her... even when she didn’t want him to.

Hazel put his hand over his nose again, going to her all her windows and opening them. The smell of rain and outdoors began to seep into her space, banishing the foulness in a slow ritual. Jashi’s favorite incense, it was laying on her coffee table. He decided to light it, before going to her wicker laundry basket and pulling one of her big shirts. He held it to his face to make sure it was clean.

It smelled like her. Good.

He was worried when he didn’t hear anything come from the bathroom. He had left the door open in case she did anything stupid. When he briskly walked back to her, he was relieved to find her lathering up that sponge and running it over her bare chest. He let out a breath. He didn’t know if his harshness would make her break. It normally wouldn’t have any affect on her, make her a little mad maybe... but she’s been different. Hazel didn’t want to break her. 

“You almost finished?” He asked. His tone was softer, but still stern. Jasika noticed his gentleness, if you could even call it that. She knew him. She knew that was his soft spot, even if it still looked like bedrock.

She nodded. “Yeah.”

Hazel noticed that she was all sudsy, save for her back. He knelt down by the tub and held his hand out for the sponge. Jasika looked at it bleakly, keeping it pressed to her breast. 

Hazel sighed. 

“Not the time to be proud. Give it.”

He took it from her and moved her long hair over her shoulder. His calloused finger pads lingered on the soft skin of her shoulder blade, where one of her tattoos was inked. It was a tree, with flowering pink blooms scattered like polka dots on her light skin. Hazel scrubbed it. He was almost surprised when the dainty ink job didn’t come off. She had drawn this design for the tattoo herself. He had just met her when she had gotten it.

He washed her, trying to be careful. He was still heavy handed, but he was doing his best. He went down the prominent bulbs of her spine, wiping in between them deliberately. He leaned over and watched Jasika close her eyes, her hands settling on the back of her neck as her head hung low. He didn’t like this. He wanted her to say something mean to him, or tease him, or something. He didn’t like this Jasika. He didn’t know her.

It wasn’t long until he was finished taking care of her. The water was really dirty when he drained it, so he turned on the shower for a little and let her rinse. When he was sure every inch of her was clean, Hazel helped her out of the tub and rubbed coconut oil onto her skin. She kept a jar of it in her cabinet, mixed with lavender oil. She stood there obediently, silently as he slathered her down with it. He put it in her hair too, like she told him she normally does. She watched him do so in the mirror, with more tears spilling out of her pink eyes onto her cheeks. Jasika reached for the shirt when Hazel held it out to her. She took it and slipped it on. 

It was black, but covered in brown bleach splotches. It was really worn out, really large. It must’ve belonged to her brother. It made her look like she was swimming in the fabric. Jasika was already thin... but this was unreal. 

“Brush your teeth and take your contacts out.”

He needed to see Jashi’s brown eyes. He was sure if she hadn’t bathed in these past days, she hadn’t brushed her teeth or changed her contacts. He went out to her living area to start cleaning up.

She slowly shuffled to the mirror and did what she was told. Her movements were slow and full of struggle, but one after the other, she peeled the coloured contacts from her eyes. She dropped them in their place, but she didn’t bother to put any solution onto them. She blinked a few times, the headache behind her eyes slowly fading. She just looked at herself in the mirror and began to cry.

All she saw was her dad.

Meanwhile, Hazel was in the main room eyed all the papers he stepped on when he came in. He gathered them up into a slapdash stack and set them on her kitchen table. He made space by standing up a vase that had fallen, putting it back in the center of the table. It seemed like every time he put something away, there was more clutter in that place too. So, while waiting for Jasika to come out, Hazel went around, fixing things, putting them back in their places, at least the things he knew the place of.

“I’ll clean up the glass.”

Hazel nearly jumped at the quiet voice that sounded behind him. There was Jasika. She had a metal bin in her tattooed hand, and she was picking through the clutter for garbage and broken things that needed to go into the trash. Hazel watched her for a minute as she slowly moved. There wasn’t much motivation in her actions, but at least she was up moving around. 

It didn’t take them long. Soon enough, the sheets were stripped from the bed, and Jasika had cleaned her mattress with the old baking soda in her icebox. New sheets replaced them. All her books were back on her shelf and her notebooks of art were stacked in their proper places. Her photos had been salvaged from their broken frames and those had been thrown away. Jasika had braved her icebox and pulled out all of the spoiled things and threw them in the garbage bin. Hazel hauled all the trash outside while Jasika swept her wooden floorboards with the old broom that had collected dust in the corner. Hazel had taken care of the water pot, throwing the water outside in Jasika’s garden. Then he tried putting the lock back on the door... without much luck. When he came back in, he saw her propping her guitar on its stand by her dresser. That was the last thing out of place. When it was back to it’s proper position, her house looked normal again.

“Hazel?”

Jasika had stepped forward toward him. The two were in the center of the room, the gray light outside fading to darkness of night. After her incense had gone out, Jasika had lit a candle. Its flickering light was the liveliest thing in her space. It added a nice touch to her dark walls and floor. 

“Yeah?” He looked at her closely. The last bit of her purple hair dye had faded out, but he could barely tell now. Her silver eyebrow piercing glinted in the light of the candle. Those eyebrows. The cut in them had grown out and he could see little unkempt hairs start to grow around their main shape. Jasika’s lips were a little chapped, and the skin was broken. She was a lip biter when she got upset. She took another step forward, hugging her arms to her body. She took a deep breath and struggled with the words.

“Thanks... for caring.”

Hazel didn’t hesitate to grab her and pull her into his arms before she could fully get emotional. He didn’t want her to start crying again... and and he was on his way there. He didn’t ever want to to see Jasika so broken again. That was never in his plans. He found it funny a little, how he had come all the way to her house in the rain and beat on her door. He never thought he’d come to care for her so much, but this girl had some type of hold on him he’d never experienced before... and he was happy with that. He was happy with her.

Jasika took a deep breath of Hazel’s shirt. He had grabbed her so roughly, and hugged her so tight. She felt so safe in his arms, even if she’d told herself so many times to stay out of them. Those were the times she wasn’t sure of their relationship... but now she was. She blinked her black lashes, trying to keep back her tears. As much as they used to fight, she’d never meet someone who cared as much for her as Hazel did, not in a romantic way. She cared for him too, more than she was capable of expressing. She wasn’t an easy one to love, and that’s something that the two of them had in common. But she tried. For him. 

“Yeah, anytime. ” He mumbled. “I know you miss your old man... but do me a favor.”

Jasika looked up at Hazel, into his imploring eyes. His greenish hair was a little messy, so she reached to smooth it down. She nodded at his request, listening closely for the next words to leave his mouth. 

“Care about yourself too. I can’t love you all by myself. No matter how hard I try.”

Jasika sighed, putting her toes on Hazel’s shoes. Right now, that would be hard. What he asked her to do felt impossible.... but the way he was willing to love her... the least she could do is love herself too.

“Yeah. Sure, Haze. Thanks. I-” Jasika bit her wobbly lip. “I love you.”

He stroked her head once, feeling her body shaking.