❛ how long has it been since you've slept? ❜ Maybe for 4mg ativan au if you’d like <3
“How are you sleeping?” The question was posed casually, as if just making small talk, but Ava knew what was actually being asked.
Are your meds working? Are you manic? Why are your eyes bloodshot? Are you safe to work today?
“I haven’t been doing much of that lately,” she replied, fiddling with the flimsy plastic lid on her coffee cup.
“Ava,” Connor’s eyes tracked her nervous stimming, “When was the last time you slept?”
She shrugged, “Depends on your definition of sleep. A couple hours in the on call room or a crash on my couch here and there. It’s all I have time for.”
Her colleague sighed and nudged her shoulder with his elbow, “You need to sleep. You can’t work like this.”
She raised an eyebrow when he gestured vaguely to her current state, unwashed hair throwing into a haphazard ponytail and pupils dilated despite the bright sun they stood in. Ava was barely back from her forced time off, not feeling much better, and she could tell it was becoming obvious to those around her.
“I haven’t been allowed to work for weeks, Connor. If Goodwin hears anything she’ll surely fire me at this point.”
“Which is exactly why you shouldn’t do surgery today,” he replied, “Not that I don’t trust you, Ava, but you don’t look okay. Please go talk to Charles.”
“I can’t-“
He huffed and then caught a glimpse of someone chatting with April by the coffee cart, “I’ll tell Sarah.”
“You wouldn’t dare,” Ava’s heart caught in her throat, if Sarah knew she hadn’t been resting she would be distraught. Ava would have to go back to twice weekly psych visits and it could risk her job performance or even leave her unemployed. If she even began to explain what was going on in her brain lately, Dr. Charles would surely admit her for her own safety.
“I’m fine, Connor, really.” Ava was lying through her teeth as she gave a forced smile, “Just tired. Nothing coffee can’t fix, I promise.”
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anxious ava maybe with some platonic rhekker for tsf?
“Ava, you did nothing wrong; he had no right to lash out at you like that.”
She didn’t answer, shaking hands tapping rhythmically on the nurse’s station as she clearly fought off tears. Connor didn’t say anything more, though the gentle squeeze of her shoulder was reminder enough that she wasn’t alone.
“talk to me, okay? i need to know what’s going on.” for 4mg ativan (reesker maybe?) please !!
Continuation of this tsf
TW: mentions of previous self injury
Ava knew better than to fall back into old habits, she swore she did. She had been clean for a long time, her scars faded and the urges mostly quelled by distractions and work. When she was lucid she could keep herself on track, it was during meltdowns that she wasn’t so safe.
It was a power struggle in her mind. When she was overwhelmed and alone she found it too hard to fight off the full force of her meltdowns. She couldn’t calm down as quickly if she didn’t have the right distractions or couldn’t make it to her phone to call Sarah. Sometimes her brain won out, leaving her frozen on the floor as she sobbed and tried not to hyperventilate. Desperate for some kind of sensory regulation, Ava couldn’t stop the way she raked her nails over her exposed skin. Anywhere she could reach, her arms and legs and even her neck. The little red marks far too reminiscent of her teenaged years, blatant reminders of her mistakes in the height of her panic.
In the moment it helped, the stinging pain a reminder that she was there and not lost in whatever whirlwind her mind was going through. After the fact was another story, when the overwhelming emotions fled and she was left exhausted. The post-meltdown guilt was bad in a regular situation but after pain stims it tripled in severity. Seeing the evidence of her weakness scattered along her pale skin was almost enough to make her cry again.
She knew she had to tell Sarah sooner or later that her meltdowns were getting self destructive again. It was a nagging guilt in her tummy every time she saw the marks. The bandaids on her arms were conspicuous too, unable to be hidden under a long sleeve forever. Ava was going to tell Sarah, she just thought it would be on her own terms.
She didn’t expect Sarah to confront her, especially not right after a 12 hour shift. Exhausted, Ava just stripped off her undershirt and tossed it into the pile with her scrubs. Laundry could wait for tomorrow, she decided, settling into bed in one of her long t-shirts. Sarah watched her closely from her side of the mattress, though Ava didn’t seem to notice right away.
It was when Sarah’s hand met hers that Ava jumped, turning to look at her girlfriend. She apologized a little for startling her, though Ava could see her mind was miles away. It made her anxious, when Sarah’s was so quiet and studied her so closely. It was as if she was reading Ava like a book, knowing her every habit catalogued away in her brain. Her observance aside, nothing would top the way her stomach plummeted when Sarah’s fingers trailed down her wrist to skim the fabric bandages.
“What’re these for?”
“Nothing!” Ava silently cursed herself for the defensive reaction, trying not to yank her arm away from her girlfriend. Obviously they both knew that was a lie, though Sarah didn’t call her out on it directly to save her the embarrassment.
“Uh huh,” she raised an eyebrow, “There’s a pile of bandaid wrappers in the bathroom trash, Avey. That’s not nothing.”
“It’s nothing,” Ava repeated, “Scratches… I- my skin is dry and I scratched at it too much.”
“You? Have dry skin? Ava, we have the entirety of a skincare aisle in our bathroom, you’ve never had dry skin. Why are you lying?”
Her incredulous tone wasn’t angry per se, just concerned. She could see her girlfriend scrambling for an answer and she did slightly regret approaching it this way. As worried as she was, Sarah knew sudden confrontation could scare Ava and she didn’t want to cause any extra anxiety. She just needed to know what was happening, for her safety.
“Avey,” Sarah sat up a bit more and took her soft hand gently again, “I’m not angry, just talk to me, okay? I need to know what’s going on.”
The blonde tried to hold eye contact but it felt like staring into the sun. Instead she kept her eyes trained on their hands, the way Sarah’s thumb rubbed gently over the back of Ava’s to soothe her.
“I told you… scratches.”
“And where did they come from?”
Ava huffed, “You know where.”
“I don’t,” she could see Ava becoming slightly agitated, “I’m not interrogating you, love. I just need to know what happened.”
“I- the meltdown,” a sigh preceded a nervous twitch, “Last one was bad.”
“Pain stims then?” When she got the nod of affirmation Sarah frowned. She figure that was what happened but wanted to be sure. The only way Ava could heal is if she trusted the people around her to give her help, not punishment. She was afraid of getting caught, like a teenager struggling with self harm, and it broke Sarah’s heart.
“Mhm,” she fumbled with the edge of her shirt until Sarah reached behind her to grab the worn out stuffed horse from her pillow. She never minded the comfort object Ava had brought from home, finding it sweet that she still had her childhood comfort to calm her down. She pressed the thing gently into Ava’s hands, watching as she carefully ran her fingers over the curly fabric.
“Alright, are you keeping them clean?”
“Yes…”
“Then we can talk about it tomorrow, okay?” Sarah settled down into her pillows as she looked at her anxious lover, “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m okay right now,” Ava promised, “You mad?”
“No no,” Sarah sighed as she looked up into those familiar puppy eyes, “Just worried about you, love. I’m not angry.”
“Okay…”
“C‘ mere, Avey,” she let Sarah tug her down into her arms, settling down so they could share a pillow. Ava didn’t hesitate to snuggle close, pressing her cheek into Sarah’s shoulder. Neither mentioned the stuffed animal now wedge between them, just settled down into the comfort of knowing the other was safe.
“ take some time off, okay? “ for either 4mg Ativan or carcinos?
“Doctor Bekker, there’s been some concerns.”
“What in the world is that supposed to mean?”
The way Sharon looked at her with a mixture of incredulity and caution made her uneasy. Concerns could mean a lot of things and Ava wasn’t sure she was in the headspace to endure this conversation.
“It means that I’ve gotten more than one… update from your colleagues,” Ava knew she wanted to say complaint, “About the state of your mental well-being.”
“I am fine, Ms. Goodwin.”
“You may very well be but I cannot brush off so many comments. You have been more erratic lately and your… episodes-”
My meltdowns? Are out of my control and have not impacted my work negatively in the long term.”
She could see that Ava had become defensive, her knuckles white against the dark scrubs she held onto tightly. This was a conversation long overdo in Goodwin’s mind and as frustrated as it clearly made the surgeon, she simply could not put it off any longer.
“Yes, well short term they have delayed surgeries and caused you or others harm,” she concluded, “I cannot overlook this anymore, Ava.”
“Ms. Goodwin, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I spoke with Doctor Charles and we both agree you need some time. You have not started the occupational therapy prescribed to you months ago and you need to work on yourself.”
“I-.”
“I’m sorry, Doctor Bekker,” she cut Ava off with a silencing hand, “take some time off, okay? You need to do your therapy and check in with Daniel every few days. We will discuss your return at your therapist’s discretion.”
Just like that she was dismissed from the office, Goodwin’s apology feeling like a harsh hand to the face. Ava’s mind was running a mile a minute, frustration and confusion making the whole situation even more painful. She may have just lost her job, at least temporarily, all because she wasn’t neurotypical. Things like this made Ava want to scream, feeling like her one sense of control had been ripped from her shaking hands.
She barely had the forethought to text Sarah, unsure if she should tell her outright or wait. She couldn’t bring herself to type what happened, instead all she could do was shakily scribe two words. Sarah would find out sooner or later, her girlfriend was too ashamed to even bring herself to say it out loud, much less write it down. She couldn’t speak it into existence, even though it was happening regardless.
something hurt/comfort for 4mg ativan? it heals my soul ❤️
Connor didn’t mean to yell, he promised her that the second tears sprung to Ava’s eyes. He had been doing better, controlling his temper and tone, but sometimes she hit a nerve. In his defence, Ava had been pushy and she knew that, but she was already tired from a busy night shift and she couldn’t stop the panic before it washed over her.
“Ava, breathe,” Connor said firmly as he tugged her into the locker room, hoping the quieter area would help. The woman in question nodded, though the tears started to spill without her consent.
“I-I’m sorry…”
“You’re fine, I’m sorry. I’m not mad anymore, okay? I was just frustrated.”
The blonde took a seat on the wooden bench, fingers curling tightly around the edge for some semblance of security. She nodded again with his words and took a shaky breath, focusing on the dented locker behind Connor to avoid eye contact.
“You’re safe and no one is angry with you, Ava,” he reminded her in the way Sarah had taught him, citing that she often had trouble recognizing frustration from true anger. They always had their differences but Connor never wanted to put her through any emotional distress on purpose, especially not after learning her diagnoses. Ava looked out for him, in her brash and sometimes condescending way, and she wouldn’t intentionally cause him harm. With that in mind, he wanted to to better and be a supportive colleague.
“Mhm…” she hummed slowly, “P-promise?”
“I do,” he checked his phone when it beeped once, “Sarah is going to be here soon, okay?”
“Still need… to work?”
“We don’t have any more surgeries and the shift turn over is in an hour,” he answered, “I can do our post ops, you’ve already worked plenty of overtime this week.”
With that reassurance, Ava fell silent again. Her tears had slowed a little, though he could see her anxiety in her tense posture and clenched jaw. Seeing her girlfriend would help, he assumed, but only time would really ease the panic.
Moving slowly, Connor took a seat beside his coworker, silently holding out a hand. He didn’t want to cross any boundaries, even though his instinct was to hug Ava until she calmed down, so he didn’t push it. After a moment, the blonde did take his hand and offered him a weak smile. It wasn’t a cure all, of course, but in that moment the friendly presence was comfort enough.
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" it wasn't your fault. " for anxious ava my beloved
“God, Connor, I’m so sorry.”
She had freaked out when he showed up with a large bruise on his forearm, the result of him trying to stop Ava from hurting herself during a meltdown. He knew he shouldn’t restrain her but they were in an empty OR and he didn’t think Ava flailing and hitting herself around sharp instruments was a good idea.
“It’s alright, Ava,” a gentle nudge to her rib cage was supposed to be playfully reassuring, “It wasn’t your fault. I was the one who grabbed you and I shouldn’t have.”
“Still,” the blonde looked at him with an unreadable expression, “It looks like shit.”
That made him laugh but also roll his eyes, just happy to see his best friend more like herself. Bruises would heal but Ava’s mental state was more important.
Idk if this is ok but for the three senate fix maybe like a part two to the last one about a panic attack ? cause I am curious what will happen next
“Doctor Charles, what happened?”
Sarah looked at her attending with a million silent questions, her gaze falling on her girlfriend across the room. Ava was curled up into herself on the couch, shaking out her hands aggressively as she visibly tried to calm herself down.
“We were taking about her childhood,” he said slowly, “I don’t know what triggered this, nothing seemed glaringly concerning.”
Sarah was already across the room at that, crouching in front of the couch at a safe distance so she didn’t scare the other woman.
“Ava?”
“Home.”
“You want to go home?”
“Now,” she answered in a forceful whisper, looking at her girlfriend with evident pain in her eyes. Sarah nodded, knowing that having a panic attack in front of anyone was enough to aggravate it even more. The last thing she wanted was for Ava’s self soothing to turn violent on herself, which could happen if she was too overwhelmed.
This clearly wasn’t a panic attack that physical touch would soothe, since Sarah could see the way the blonde was shying away from her. She needed her space and Sarah understood that, so she made the decision to take over the situation.
“Then we’ll end your session for today,” she looked over at Doctor Charles, “Today was just a bit too much, huh?”
“Seems like it,” he answered, “Ava, did you want a moment alone to calm down?”
“Mhm.”
“Then we’ll be right outside,” Sarah told her gently and then added, “Healthy stims and deep breaths, alright? If you feel like it might turn bad please call for me.”
Connor was not expecting Ava to beeline for him the second he stepped into the locker room, so he was more than a little shocked when she flung her shaking arms around him.
“I told you she was asking for you,” Sarah said softly, smiling a little at the way her girlfriend visibly relaxed when she saw her friend safe and sound.
“I was worried,” Ava mumbled into his shoulder, “H… he had a gun on you.”
