#anway.

It’s been almost a month since Jimmy’s arrived at school, and Scott has to admit, he’s grown quite fond of the avian, who’s almost seamlessly fit into their friend group- mainly because Scott tries to make sure he’s invited to everything. Shelby loves him like a little brother, and he and Joel have got on famously (honestly surprising to Scott) ever since an incident at lunch where Jimmy made Joel laugh so hard that his chocolate milk had snorted out of his nose.

Owen, on the other hand… Scott’s pretty sure no one else has noticed, except for maybe Jimmy himself, but Owen is, to put it lightly, not as excited about a new member of the friend group as everyone else seems to be. Scott’s not sure what it is, but he supposes that after five years of being someone’s best friend, you kind of just feel what they’re feeling instinctively. 

Now, the thing is, Scott really likes Jimmy- he’s funny, he’s sweet, he’s gotten Scott out of a breakdown spot more than once. Jimmy is quickly climbing up his friend tier list, and he’s sure that Owen can tell how much Scott’s enjoying Jimmy’s company.

In fact, Scott’s pretty sure that Owen’s jealous, as silly as that is. Scott can’t imagine his life without his best friend there by his side, laughing on their walks to school, smirking at all his dumb jokes. But Jimmy’s different- refreshing to be around, kind of like a breath of fresh air after being stuck in the same room, repeating the same patterns, for so long. He’s not a better friend than Owen, not even close, but he’s… new. And that always has an effect on the way he perceives people.

Of course, though his life’s gotten just so, so much better since the avian’s arrival, there is still his situation at home. His mom’s always away leading her cult, and his father is bearing down harder than ever, telling Scott to stay away from his friends, to stay inside. Many times, he’s almost found out about Jimmy, and Scott can’t quite put a finger on why he thinks so, but he’s certain that his father can not find out about the canary.

Scott tries to get out of the house as much as he can, to get away from Father, but it’s hard, and he often feels weird initiating activities within his friend group. So most of the time, he just sits quietly upstairs in his room, hoping and praying that his father doesn’t come in and find him on his phone.

Scott isn’t supposed to have a phone, but Joel bought it for him a couple years back, and he’s had it ever since. It’s always a much-needed reprieve from his stressful home life to just hop on to the group chat and talk about the silliest things for a few hours, or even just a few minutes.

He’s the one who insisted Jimmy be added to the group chat after a week of hanging out with him at school, much to Owen’s chagrin. Shelby had seemed ecstatic about the idea, and Joel just as chill with everything as ever. After two weeks, Scott and Jimmy had a private chat, just the two of them, which was something kinda new for them both- Jimmy’s never had a friend til recently, and Scott’s only ever had a private text with Owen.

It’s really kind of nice having a new friend, Scott supposes. The last time he’s felt this excited to go to school was when Shelby joined the friend group, and that was about three years ago. Scott’s been stuck with the same people for a long time- not that he doesn’t enjoy hanging out with them, obviously he does, but it’s a much-needed breather to have something different.

There are still a lot of things he doesn’t know about Jimmy, of course, a lot of things he’s too scared to ask, because he’s grown to value their friendship greatly and doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize it. Scott’s pretty sure that he and Jimmy have some sort of silent agreement not to bring up their first conversation- Jimmy doesn’t ask about Scott’s eyes or why he still needs to wear shades if he can’t turn things to stone (Scott’s certain he’s wondered this at least a few times), and Scott doesn’t ask about it when Jimmy mentions how he’s just learnt to fly and other things like that.

He’s thinking about all this today as he runs his morning jog route, something he’s started up in the past few weeks to get away from home on the weekends. It works remarkably well; he can leave on his jog and then go meet up with his friends, be out of the house all day, and his father’s none the wiser. 

Today, he’s going to the movie theater with Jimmy and Joel, as Shelby has Gnome New Year and Owen canceled as soon as he heard Jimmy would be there- though Jimmy’s the one who initiated it, so he should’ve known anyway. Scott wishes that Owen and Jimmy could just get on a bit better, but at least Owen has Lilith, his enbyfriend, to vent to this all about- it’s just difficult to juggle the two clashing personalities.

He runs faster, his legs burning and his snakes hissing quietly in his ear, urging him to keep going. Making sure to push up his shades, Scott takes a long sip from his water bottle, pushing himself to go further, faster, his blood beginning to boil. Maybe he’ll burn away everything he hates about himself, maybe the fire will cleanse him, melt the ice, make him who he’s supposed to be.

He wonders what his friends would think of him if one day, he showed up perfect, just how he’s always wanted to be. He’s certain that then, they’d look to him as the leader, and he’d be able to make it so Owen and Jimmy would be friends, and he’d finally be able to stop thinking about the canary who dominates his mind night and day.

Scott slows to a stop, breathing heavily with his hands on his legs, bracing himself to stay upright. His sweat drips off his face, landing in patterns on the pavement that merge with the rain that’s beginning to fall, gently, from the sky, cascading onto the lake beside him. The ice is finally beginning to melt; it’s too cold for early April. It hasn’t snowed in months, and yet somehow, it’s still consistently below freezing during the day, as well as at night. Scott could really do with some sunshine, the coming of spring always seems to set him right.

The drops fall down from the sky, causing him to shiver. He really needs to get to Jimmy’s: that’s where they’re meeting up, though Scott’s never been to Jimmy’s house before, and the avian seemed quite hesitant to make that their meeting place. But Joel’s sister has some sort of soccer thing and obviously, Scott’s house is completely out of the question. 

So to Jimmy’s he runs, pulling out his phone and checking the address to make sure he’s on the right route to… what was it- ah, right; 156 Norman Flick Avenue. Fantastic. Scott has no idea where the heck that is, so he pulls up Gugol Maps, luckily finding he’s traveling in about the right direction. But it’s almost 11:00 in the morning, and he needs to hurry if he wants to be there on time.

It’s at times like this that Scott curses himself for choosing to run everywhere, because it’s just another one of his stupid decisions, and he misses feeling good about himself, he misses feeling like he’s worth something. But he’s not and that’s the hard part: remembering that all those times in elementary school, when he kissed boys and ran around getting mud all over his clothes, only serve to incapacitate him now.

Owen knows about the mud part, everyone does, they laugh at his school pictures where his snakes almost always had chips of the stuff stuck between their scales, Scott’s gap-toothed grin happier than anyone’s seen him in years. But no one knows about the time when he and a kid he’d met at a field trip to the zoo in Laurtentown, a city slightly south of the one Scott lives in, had kissed in the corner by the lion exhibit. 

Scott remembers the boy had been about his age at the time, so eight, maybe a little younger, and had been walking around with his- well, at the time Scott had assumed they were his parent, but he remembered how the boy had looked to them with almost reverence, as if they had the absolute final say, which just doesn’t feel like the way one would look at a parent. But of course, he wouldn’t know anything about parents, would he…

Scott could barely convince the boy to leave them when they had started talking. Somehow, he had gotten the boy, who’d been wearing a huge sweatshirt that made it hard to judge his species- all Scott remembers is the shock of scruffy blonde hair and huge, trusting brown eyes- to follow him with his class, and they had ended up kissing in front of the lion exhibit. 

It was just a tiny, experimental peck on the lips, the kind that all people try out at some point in their childhood- and yet Scott remembers how the boy’s eyes had widened, and how he had run off immediately after, seemingly quite spooked. Scott had called after him, wondering if he’d done something wrong, but the boy hadn’t turned back.

Scott’s wanted to find that boy for a long time since, but he doesn’t even know his species; and if the other boy was to try to find him, Scott hadn’t needed his shades yet, and he’d been wearing a hat: the only way the boy would be able to identify him would be from his features alone, which have changed a lot since then. His eyes have gotten more cyan, his temperament a lot more anxious and depressed.

He’s lost the innocence he had when he was a child, he’s lost the feeling that he’s okay, the knowledge that there’s someone out there who loves him. There is no one who loves him. How could anyone, when he’s this, this aberration, cyan where he should be green, wrong where he should be right, thinking of boys when he should be of girls?

How could he ever be anything but a mistake? He can feel tears prickling up behind his eyeballs, but he won’t cry, he can’t cry, then he’ll just be proving that he’s even weaker than everyone already knows- oh, god, he hasn’t cried since his powers came in, has he. It’s been a long, long time.

It was third grade, and Scott had just turned nine. Gorgon petrification comes in at ages eight to twelve, depending on genetics and environmental factors, and Scott’s doctor had predicted that, based on his father and other relatives, his powers would activate when he was about nine. So obviously, on his ninth birthday, he jumped out of his bed and ran down the stairs with excitement. 

Had his powers come in? Could he petrify things? He hadn’t known, and it had made him giddy just thinking about how cool he might be now, cooler than Kymora, another gorgon who he’d had an intense rivalry with at that point. He would show them all. Just because his snakes and eyes were a weird color didn’t mean he’d be weird. He was just special. At that point, his father hadn’t been as strict and criticizing as he is now, but he’d still been quite expecting of his son- and Scott didn’t want to let him down.

But his situation with Father didn’t get really, genuinely bad until that morning, the day he’d turned nine, when he ran down the stairs, and upon reaching the bottom, had keeled over and nearly passed out. His eyes had hurt, he remembers, the pain intense and freezing. It felt like someone had been poking them out with an ice-cold poker, twisting it around in his sockets. And so, obviously, he started crying. He was nine, what else was he supposed to do? He hated pain, still does- the way it twists around and seems to whisper, we’ve got you now. There is no escape. 

His father was so unspeakably angry when the feeling had subsided, Scott creaking his eyes open, the tears he had just cried freezing on his face. Everywhere he looked, something else froze. And every time something did freeze, it hurt his eyes, a new jab of intense pain, trying to keep his tears coming. His father had almost hit young Scott, curled into a ball on the lush cashmere rug, sobbing and choking on his own spit freezing in his throat.

From that day onward, Scott’s father has always hated him, utterly and completely, without a shadow of a doubt. This was when the peanut butter jelly sandwiches started being his only food, when Father started sending him to private schools and counselors and religious specialists- anyone who had any possibility of “fixing” him.

This was when Mother left, promising she’d be back within a week, swearing to his father that she wasn’t leaving for her cult forever. But she hadn’t come home, and Scott was left scared and alone with only his vengeful father, and the knowledge that he’d singlehandedly broken his family, to keep him company. He hasn’t thought about this in a long, long time.

How the time flies when you’re thinking about traumatic events; he’s almost at Jimmy’s now, his feet pounding against the asphalt, the rain freezing to ice when it hits him. Scott’s body temperature has always been lower than normal, even for a gorgon, and it had just decreased further when his ice came in- meaning that sometimes, when he’s feeling negative emotions really intensely, the surface of his skin is cold enough that water freezes on it.

He groans, peeling bits of ice off of his arms, wishing that he could just calm down and get to Jimmy’s. The avian always seems to get him back to a reasonable state, whether it’s just subconsciously by talking about the randomest shit, or when he’s consciously trying to cheer Scott up. It’s only been a month and already, he can’t even try to imagine a world where he hadn’t met the avian.

Jimmy makes everything better, just looking at him so often brings a smile to Scott’s lips, just thinking of him and Scott knows that things will be better with Jimmy around. He wonders which  movie they’ll be seeing.

He’s reached Norman Flick Ave, and he slows to a comfortable pace, the wind brushing against his snakes, tiny hisses going off in his ears. He scans the houses, looking for the 156 that signifies Jimmy’s house. 124, 130, 134…

The road is quaint, kind of like the street that Scott’s family mansion decides to squat in the middle of, but this one has a slightly different vibe- perhaps due to the fact that there isn’t a giant estate smack-dab in the middle of the left side of the avenue. The houses are all very typical, two-story homes, each probably at least a hundred years old, with their creaking porches and slightly smoking chimneys.

Scott finds Jimmy’s at the end of the street. It’s the corner house, and he can see as he’s walking up that Joel’s already arrived- his humongous blue and white car is parked right outside, and Joel himself is standing in the middle of the sidewalk, tapping his foot. Scott waves, and Joel catches his eye, a grin stretching across his face.

“Scott!” he yells, cupping his hands around his mouth. “Hurry up, mate, you’ve already almost made us late!”

Scott picks up speed, moving forward in a state somewhat between walking and running, until he reaches Joel. “Sorry, I ran all the way here- where’s Jimmy?” he asks, craning his neck so he can see the celestial’s face.

“He’s inside still,” Joel gestures with his thumb towards the house, “Getting ready, I think, but you can knock if you’d like,”

“Sure,” Scott agrees, stepping up the stairs to Jimmy’s wrap-around porch, rapping  his knuckles against the paint-splattered door. Almost immediately, it creaks open, a head poking out from behind the wood. But it’s not Jimmy’s.

“Well, hello, you must be Scott Smajor,” says a short girl, about Scott’s age, maybe a little younger. “Jim talks about you all the time- come on in! Oh, and Joel’s here, too- Joel, get your butt inside!”

“Hiii, Beks,” Joel calls, making his way towards the house. “Only problem is, I might not fit? Your house is made for tiny little avians, not a celestial like me.” He flexes his biceps, and Bek lets out a derisive snort.

“Wait- I feel like I’m in the dark here,” Scott says, confused. “Do you two know each other? Are you Jimmy’s sister or something- wait. Beks- I recognize that name. You’re a grade below us, right?”

“Wait.” Now it’s Beks’ turn to look confused. “Jimmy hasn’t told you about me?”

“No, I only know about you because of Joel- you two used to be like best friends, I remember.” 

“Well, yeah- but Jim hasn’t told you the story?” Bek bites her lip. “Well, no, I guess he wouldn’t tell you the whole thing, but he hasn’t even told you the bit where he lives with me and my parents?”

“Wait. What?” Joel furrows his brows, leaning down to look Beky in the eyes. “No, he’s never told us any of that- come to think of it, he’s been quite private about his home life in general; I don’t think he’s ever mentioned it at all.” Looking back, Scott realizes Joel’s correct. He can’t remember a single time Jimmy’s willingly brought up where he goes after school, and even when someone else has brought it up, he’s always been really vague about answering.

“That’s…” Beks trails off, looking hurt and a little angry. “Jimmy! Get down here right this instant, or I swear, I will steal all your dresses again!” Oh. That’s right. Scott hasn’t seen Jimmy much outside school, and most of the time, he just wears typical clothes; but he had mentioned that this time he’ll be wearing a dress. Scott’s never seen Jimmy in a full on dress before, and he feels his cheeks flush because Jimmy’ll look even cuter than normal-

Oh, no. Why is this happening? He’s seen Jim in skirts a ton of times, almost every day for school, in fact- but for some reason, just imagining the avian in a dress hits completely different.

“What?” Jimmy’s voice is far away, floating down from up the stairs. “Are they here? What do you want?”

“Just get down here!” Beks yells, definitely angry now. Scott’s not sure if he should be here anymore, because it looks like there’s going to be some sort of family feud and he’s not sure he wants a part in that.

It seems like Joel’s had the same thought, muttering, “Should we…go?”

“No, it’s fine,” Beky sighs, looking up the steps. “Jimmy, get down here right now or I swear to god-”

“Just give me a sec, I’m almost done dressing- I’ll need to grab the hat downstairs anyway.” Scott flushes again at Jim’s words, looking slightly to the side. Joel catches his eye and gives him a quizzical glance, a slight smirk growing on his lips. Shit. He knows, or at least he suspects, that Scott’s gay- oh, no.

Scott looks away, crossing his arms over his chest. What the hell is this? He needs to stop this madness. He does not have a crush on Jimmy. He can’t have a crush on Jimmy, that’s non-negotiable. He is not allowed to like boys, it’s disgusting, it’s not something he should even be considering. But then he imagines the avian and he can’t help but smile, and all he wants anymore is to make Jimmy laugh-

What would Father say? Scott can almost hear the cold voice, pressing into his mind, whispering in his ears, a sneer upon his faceless father’s lips- You are nothing, nothing but a defective, worthless, disappointment- and now you tell me you’re in love with another boy? Get out of my house. Get out of my home. You’re not wanted here anymore.

Scott shivers, knowing this could very well be how his father reacts. He needs to keep himself a secret, from everyone, keep it secret keep it safe but he feels like he might be going insane-

He hears a creak from inside the house, the sound of a foot stepping down on a stair, and his head snaps up, gazing upon none other than Jimmy. He’s wearing a light green dress, long-sleeved with little white frills that cuff his wrists, his hair clipped back with an emerald clip that matches the gown perfectly.

It’s a bell dress, the many layers of the skirt making it poof up at the bottom, the abundance of lace just visible against Jimmy’s ankles. He’s chosen darker green tights to compliment the hue of his main garment, and his shoes are a lot like the typical black belt-buckle shoes, but they’re white instead, matching his cuffs and collar. Jimmy’s wings are floofed up in the back, his ear feathers popping in all directions, and the avian hasn’t noticed Scott yet, who’s stood stock-still in the doorway, taking in every bit of his appearance.

Scott feels like he’s seeing Jimmy for the first time, he’s radiant, his face lighting up in a smile when he sees them stood in the doorway-

He’s speechless. He can feel the warmth returning to his cheeks, even more than before, and he suddenly feels underdressed in his short-sleeved shirt that shows off his scrawny arms and his sweatpants, because Jimmy looks so nice- he realizes he’s probably been staring for a bit too long, and the avian’s blushing now too, their eyes meeting.

“Hi,” Scott mutters, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He still can’t get over how pretty Jimmy looks, with his dress ruffling in the breeze, his waist cinched with a white ribbon tied in a bow.

“H-hi,” the avian responds, barely a whisper, his eyes wide. Scott knows he should look away, knows he’s probably making this very weird for everyone else as well as himself, but Jimmy’s gorgeous, and is it really his fault that he can’t stop looking, can’t stop taking in every little detail of his appearance-

And then Beks clears her throat loudly and the spell is broken. Scott looks away, his face probably red as a tomato, Jimmy stood stock-still, like he’s not sure what’s just happened. Scott’s not completely certain either, all he knows is that one second he was fine, and the next he was just- gone. All logical reasoning, out the window. 

“Jimmy, did you not tell them about me?” Beks asks, hands on her hips as she turns to the boy on the stairs.

“Huh?” Jimmy’s still focused on Scott, and he shakes his head, turning to Beky. “Oh, um, yeah, about that…”

“Jim!” Beky shrieks, her hands in the air. “Without me, you’d probably be dead or in a homeless shelter!”

Jimmy pales. “Beks- I don’t want- I’m not ready-”

“Okay, yeah, I get that, but you could have at least told them I exist! I’m basically your sister, and I care about you and so do they, so-”

“We’ll talk later. I need to go or we’ll be late,” Jimmy states plainly, “I can’t talk about this right now, Bek.” He walks down the stairs, his shoulder brushing  against Scott’s as he steps outside.

“Jimmy-” Beks pleads, trying to reason with him.

But the door closes and he’s shut her out. “Sorry about that. Shall we- uh-”  His voice trails off when he meets Scott’s eyes, blushing hard and moving his eyes to the ground. “Shall we get to the movie? Joel, you’re driving us, right?”

“...Yeah, I am,” Joel says, squinting his eyes at the both of them as if he’s trying hard to figure something out. And Scott feels like something’s changed too, though he can’t quite tell what it is, but there’s a new feeling in the pit of his stomach- or maybe not a new feeling, just a dormant one that’s grown stronger, pulling him towards something, a realization.

They all pile into Joel’s car, the celestial taking the driver’s seat, Scott and Jimmy sharing the backseat, seated almost uncomfortably close to each other. Scott risks a glance over to Jim, and then notices that the avian’s already looking at him. Their eyes meet and Scott moves to look away, he does hate eye contact, but something keeps him there.

Jimmy’s eyes are big and brown, a color you wouldn’t expect to see on a bird. It’s lighter than you would think, not the deep black of Bek’s, but not the light green usually seen on a canary. They’re beautiful, Jimmy’s beautiful, and Scott has to beat the feeling down because he is not doing this, this is not an option.