#antilove

I have had such minimal romantic/sexual attraction for anyone in the last 7-8 months that it’s actually kind of concerning. I find some people attractive/people I’m drawn to, but it’s never “bad enough” for me to pursue. It’s 99.99% of the time just a “oh she/he/they are cute.”

But I've taken the hurt

And I've taken the pieces

And rearranged them into art.

Your demons no longer hide my beauty,

I'm flourishing through the flames of our once was.

You don't consume my thoughts anymore.

In fact, you fuel my passion in a brand new way.

A way where you're not even here

And I don't have to hide

From you or anyone else for you.

This is the sad start to my happiness.

Following your heart is bullshit. Bold statement, right? Let’s break this down. Your heart can love something that is bad for you. Maybe it’s a person… This person could make your heart beat out of your chest. That would be a physical indication of your heart telling you something, but that can be so easily misinterpreted. You’d think your heart was telling you a good thing until you find out this person is your kryptonite. The closer you are to this person the more susceptible you become. Is this your insecurities or your heart telling you that you that this person is not the right person? Their presence makes you vulnerable. You feel weak with them near, but strong when they are away. When is the right time to be “weak” with someone? To let your walls down and let them in. You’ve learned how to become this monstrosity that shielded yourself from anything that made you feel like you existed. When you’ve been dead inside for so long it’s easy to be drawn to someone that makes you feel alive. Anything that makes your cold barren heart beat again. Even a bad feeling is a feeling worth feeling when you felt nothing at all. Following your heart is bullshit.

Yours Truly,