#ansomic

So tomorrow, on July 26th, I will be having surgery that may hopefully cure my anosmia. The actual procedure is called 'endoscopic septoplasty and restoration of olfactory clefts'. I think it basically means that they make holes in the cartilage in my nose to allow air (and smells) to reach my olfactory nerve.

I'm being really very good at not getting my hopes up that this will be the end of my anosmia and I will wake up able to miraculously smell again. I think that's mostly because I'm too busy being nervous about the procedure to actually give any serious thought as to what happens afterwards. I've been reading a lot about having to 'retrain my brain' as I haven't used that part of it for so long. It's all a bit bizarre, to be honest, but I'm not going to worry about it until tomorrow.

I think it's definitely fair to say that I'm having mixed feelings about the procedure. I've never had surgery or general anesthetic before in my life and I don't know if it's because it's do do with my face but I'm mostly feeling incredibly anxious. I don't think it's the procedure that's worrying me (although I have been very careful to not find out too much about what that actually involves) but more not knowing exactly what it is I'll be waking up to. I've been warned that I will be in a lot of pain, as well as feeling incredibly nauseous as it's obviously going to effect my sinuses. I'm expecting to have a couple of brilliant black eyes and a sore throat as well, as they have to stick a tube into my windpipe to ensure I can still breathe during surgery. I have moments where I panic and try to convince myself that it's not worth the discomfort and the money and this whole thing is really quite un-necessary, especially as I've now been anosmic for so long. But then I read how other people without a sense of smell also had surgery and it was 'the best decision' of their lives. What's a few weeks discomfort and 48 hours of nerves beforehand compared to getting my life back?

I don't want to go into how incredible it would be to be able to smell, just in case the surgery doesn't work, but after all, that is the reason for doing this. I won't be sad to see my anosmia go, although it has somehow (weirdly) actually become quite a big part of who I am. I've had to do more research on it than a lot of the doctors I've seen and I've had to cope with the massive frustrations that come with it. I've comes to terms with the fact that since I was at least 10 years old, I was and am always going to be completely alienated from my surroundings. Which is a pretty horrible thing to learn so young. I'm nearly 21 now and it's still an awful thing to deal with.

If I do get my sense of smell back I want to smell freshly baked bread and my mum's perfume and my boyfriend's shirt. I want to smell freshly mowed grass and petrol and how you know when it's going to rain. I want to travel back to all of the places I've been to in the last decade just to see what they smell like and form brilliant, vivid, actual memories that I can clearly hold on to. I want to smell my own shampoo.

The Facebook group for people with anosmia, brought this video to my attention today. It's not massively scientific or full of fun ansomia facts, but it's real people sharing their experiences of living with ansomia which is pretty cool. I missed Anosmia Awareness Day last Thursday (yes, it's real day) because I was so busy, but I would really appreciate it if everyone who takes the time to read this blog would please watch this video - Anosmia Video.

I updated my anosmia blog. This one's kind of a big deal and I'm super nervous about posting it because I think it's the most personal I've ever been but it would be cool if you could take the time to read it.