I want someone I love to hold me. I want them to stroke my hair and tell me they’re going to take care of me and I’m going to be safe after this. They hold me tight. I am not resisting but even if I start resisting they’ll hold me tight because they know know what’s best and what needs to be done. They’ll put their hand over my mouth and nose. I won’t be able to breathe. At first I’ll feel grateful. Then with every breath that doesn’t pass the panic will set in. I’ll start to struggle and thrash. They will hold me firm. They’ll tell me they love me and this is for my own good. I won’t have to hurt after this. This discomfort will not last forever. But each moment feels like an eternity as I struggle for precious air. I start to become weak, going in and out of consciousness. Still fighting back but becoming weaker. Then I’ll stop altogether. I am unconscious but not yet a cadaver. They know even tho I have stopped moving they have to keep their hand firmly in place. They have to deprive my brain from the oxygen. They still tell me nice things even tho I can’t really hear them anymore. I’m so safe in their arms and so loved. They’re only doing this because they love me and don’t want me to hurt anymore. After what feels like a lifetime they remove their hand. My chest isn’t moving up and down anymore. I am so still. They stroke my forehead and tell me I’m safe now. Nothing can ever hurt me ever again. I’m so safe and will never have to feel the pain of living again.
