Cemetery Drive

Do not enter if you are a minor, MAGA, homophobic, transphobic, racist, bigot, think pedophilia is okay or a nazi

CW: depression vent blog* with strong themes related to death

BIO: My name is Anna. I am a 32 year old queer person. I live in the United States and I hate it here. I want to die but I also don’t want to hurt people. I use this space to vent about all my internal bullshit and my ongoing tug of war between wanting to put myself out of my misery and not wanting to destroy my loved ones. I still have happy moments and genuine connection. But the pain and bad outweighs the good. I’m so tired and grieving.

Playlist that will be played at my Celebration of Life: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1PhgWuCMwcZZQygTl8ohfz?si=ZU91xnDUT6Ge_NzecIR33g&pi=Hxd9CewXQAiEI

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*WHAT YOU MAY ENCOUNTER HERE:

- Repetitive declarations of unhappiness & wanting to unalive myself

- Griefposting and regret for my best friend who unalived himself

- Shame and guilt posts

- discussion of self harm and mental illness

- Autassassinophilia/ Erotonophilia every once in a blue moon

- Random mental health posts that may include encouragement or gratitude to my supports and feels incongruent with the rest of the blog but is accurate to my dialectical brain

- maybe like 6% of content is political

- Grief and depression spiralposting

- General shitposting

I don’t tag everything but here are the ones you’re most often going to encounter: #annavent #annnashare #depression memes #cw this is a depression vent blog (or some variation) #i should be euthanized

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ASKS: Open

DMS: Closed, unless in preexisting conversation

People are often under the mistaken impression that I want to die bc I’m lonely & need human connection. That is not the case. I am blessed to have a support system. I wish I could die without hurting them. Please don’t reach out begging me to stay. I appreciate the kind sentiments but I already have enough conflict & guilt. Thanks.

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- have a movie marathon with friends. All the Hobbit then LOTR movies over several days. Themed food and walks in between. Bonus points if during Autumn.

- reread Sunshine by Robin McKinley. Preferably during Autumn as well

- eat my BIL’s Coq au Vin once more 😍

- live for one more Fall season (it’s incredibly picturesque here)

- write to Stephen King

- see my massage therapist friend one more time

- take more pictures with the people I love

Then in the evening the undertow pulls me back down. And I am left feeling even worse by the contrast.

I know that I am suffering a lot and really want to die. This has been over a sustained period of time, literal years. So I feel confident saying it’s not a fleeting bout or passing episode. If I was given the opportunity to be euthanized I would gratefully accept.

But I don’t have that opportunity. I would have to take care of it myself, it’s solely my responsibility. And the honest truth is that there are still things that give me pause. Death means no opportunity for improvement, although the outlook is admittedly bleak. I have a lot of people I love deeply. I don’t want to cause them pain and suffering. I also still enjoy things like Octobers, board games, bedroom activities, consuming media, nature and making art. While I’m grateful for these things I feel like they’re holding me back from ending my pain.

So I remain. Tormented each day, caught in a brutal back and forth between life and death. Stuck in an endless loop between certainty and doubt. When I’m at my lowest I pray I’ll have the strength to do what needs doing. And then I hold my godson and I think I can stay longer.