transcription of all of arin’s stories in the battle kid finale
2:11 - “rasputin.. is.. ready.. i don’t know what i’m doing, i have a hard time keeping my cool in situations of stress”
3:50: “this battle is for real. i have a good feeling about this one, i’m bringing it downtown, y’know? right? i’m- i’m playing music on the street, i’m getting a noise complaint but y’know what? i don’t even care! because this is my art, and no- FUCK”
4:16: “one day i was walking down the street and i met a guy named carl. carl was nice because he gave me some ice cream, and- AUGH DAMMIT”
4:37: “mark mistakenly ordered me nine pizzas. i wasn’t sure if i should keep them or not because i really enjoy pizza, but when i opened them up, it was pineapple and ham. and i don’t like ham, and i’m allergic to FUCK”
5:08: “rocket the hedgehog was a lonely young hedgehog in the sonic the hed- DAMMIT”
5:25: “i knew a guy named jesus. i asked him, ‘hey, isn’t your name pronounced jésus?’ and he said, ‘no, my mom is very religious.’ and i said, ‘wouldn’t that have prevented you from having the name jesus?’ and he said FUCK”
5:56: “radical republicans really wreck my... rectal reAAAGH”
6:14: “purple plants make me feel uncomfortable when i walk towards them. they say ‘hey arin, how’s it goin?’’ and i say, ‘it’s goin’ okay,’ but it’s not really going okay, i just didn’t wanna share my emotions with the purple plant! cuz fuck, i don’t know him! he’s not dAMMIT”
6:52: “jerry wrestled bears for a living, but he wasn’t happy with it, so instead he changed his profession to golfing. he wasn’t happy with that either. he just realized he was an unhappy dude in general. so he saw a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist- fUCKING GOD DAMMIT”
7:21: “jennifer dumped me”
7:38: “recklessly, i touched a car that didn’t belong to me. it was a very nice car, a 1978 bugatti. that’s not even a real car model! i made it up! and i dAAAGH! DAMN”
8:06: “register now at your local supermarket for the rewards card. it will save you 10% on FUCKING GODDAMN BULLSHIT FUCK”
8:27: “my mom’s a nice lady, but sometimes, y’know, UUUUGHH”
8:42: “i was caught murdering some man named steve. i talked to the police and i refuted i had anything to do with the murder. the police said, ‘wait. wait. then why are you stANDING ABOVE THE DEAD BODY GOD-”
9:09: “my dad really likes that i’m doing music right now. but he’s kinda disappointed that i’m not good, at it, because, he spent his whole life writing music, and i’ve only spent a couple FUC- GOD- I- I. AM. NOT OKAY.”
10:08: “as a child i always wanted to be on who’s got-”
10:25: “legends of the hidden temple was one of my favorite shows of all time. i always wanted to be on it. kind of a considerissive- continuation of the last story, however, i have to say, i am very close, TO BEATING THE GODDAMN PLANT MONSTER! but he’s not dying! and we’re not stopping! this is happening! i’m so,, close! i’m like a god damn jiggalo, ready to burst, and she’s saying, ‘no, three more minutes, at least.”
11:26: “why is there a plant here? what is he doing? what’s his purpose? why did he have to open up when i showed up here? he coulda just been hangin’ out and then i coulda just shot ‘im in the fuckin’ butt! it woulda been fine! nip it in the bud, they say! that’s the term! i’m getting close! why do i have to point that out?! it always makes me worse! aah! haah! FUUUCK! i was so, goddamn close!”
12:03: “ 🎶 gerrymandering politicians always get their way unless you veto their vote in a voting booth! 🎶 you have the power! as a citizen of the united states! register to vote! at your local dmv! so that you can control the fate of your country, at least somewhat, i mean there’s the electoral college and everything, but i don’t know! i don’t know much about how politics work! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I’M DONE! I’M FUCKING DONE! THIS IS BULL SHIT! RED PLANT, PURPLE PLANT, BLUE PLANT, THIS IS SOME... [ross comes in]”
