#angsty caleb

He hated it. They would never breathe at the same pace. Another factor driving them apart. And since he was the oldest, he had all these growing responsibilities... Josephine and his teachers carried a lot of expectations for him that he couldn't stand.

Caleb was cracking under pressure. There was too much change happening at once and he didn't know how to deal with it. It wasn't just school. It was also his body. Little things. Freckles had developed over Caleb's cheeks, blemishing his skin. Evidence of his sun soaked flesh, having spent a few summers outside now. Josephine declared it a sign of good health. But in a culture that valued purity over filth, it just gave peers another reason to bully him.

Still, he didn't care. As long as she liked the spots, he couldn't care less what the others thought. Caleb paid them no mind.

But... something wasn't right. After school, Caleb walked the path to their primary school to pick the girl up from class. Josephine had recently gotten a new job at some home or whatever, for extra funds, so it was up to Caleb to take care of the girl when she was gone. But the girl had a sour look on her face and wouldn't look him in the eye, much less talk to him. Was this what they called the silent treatment? When he cooked her dinner, she snapped at him for not enough seasoning on her plate, and refused to eat the rest. She never complained about his cooking. Never. And she most certainly never refused the opportunity to eat.

But whenever Caleb asked her what was wrong, she would only call him a dummy.

Which made him realize... she still wasn't relying on him, and he was still doing a bad job at taking care of her.

The rain was frequent again this year—a reflection of their moods, mourning their heartbreak. This time last year, she had been upset for being bullied. But she adjusted to her classmates better than Caleb ever had his, already making a handful of friends. So... what was bothering her now? Was she going to be upset about something every spring? A tradition that Caleb would need to learn how to navigate?

...No. That wasn't it. He was ignoring the real issue. This attitude had been going on for much longer than just today. He knew the reason. It was the same reason why he had been particularly overwhelmed and cynical.

It hadn't been too long since... Zayne left. His absence made the past few months extremely slow.

It was more glaringly obvious with him gone that Zayne had played a crucial role in balancing them out. He had been their tether. With him missing, there was lingering resentment and no one to hold it at bay. Caleb's emotions were all over the place. He was... angry, so angry. He hated this world. He hated everyone in it. And he had nowhere else to turn, since the girl was just as emotionally unavailable as he was. Their dynamic was falling apart.

They weren't helping each other. It was a cycle that just kept eating itself. If Caleb couldn't close the lid on his emotions, then the girl had no anchor, and if the girl could only match his energy, then Caleb had no warmth. It was just chaos bumping chaos. He was only making it worse on her, fighting more than they were getting along. He was rubbing off on her.

But she wasn't at fault for the mess inside of Caleb. The truth was... Caleb was scared. The year passing by just reminded him that this life was very real, very permanent. He hadn't known how to cope with that knowledge. He knew if he kept living like this, if he ever settled, he won't be able to help but get comfortable and warm up to the idea of... of a family. Something that was so out of reach for him. These feelings seeped through the cracks of his mask, losing the cool game of pretend he constantly played with himself. But if she saw who he really was, all the broken parts, then he failed as a proper supportive brother.

It wasn't like they could ever rely on Josephine, anyways. With her new job, she was gone more often. Caleb relished the space, but he shouldn't have, as the lack of a parental figure only made the girl even lonelier. Which meant it was solely Caleb's duty to lend an ear.

Caleb had been so focused on the negatives that he forgot about the positives, and neglected to pay attention to her. Well, he was done ignoring her.

After all, they only had each other. Who else could understand how he felt? The very person who was going through the same experience and emotions as him, his other half. They had both lost Zayne.

Only... Caleb was used to upsetting her, making things worse. No matter how hard he tried, he always seemed to perform the wrong choice that hurt her in the end. But Zayne had discovered a secret, hidden talent of cheering her up. How could he ever live up to that?

But the world wouldn't last long with two grumpy kids. It wasn't fair. She should never have to be as grumpy as he was. She should only ever experience sunshine, so that their days were always bright.

A heavy sigh caressed his ears once more, as if it carried the whole weight of the world. Let me take that weight off your shoulders. Please.

"You can't be grumpy forever, Pip-squeak. You're supposed to be the happier one between us," Caleb muttered, tugging the blanket away.

But she yanked it back, avoiding his touch. She still wouldn't look him in the eye. The pitter-patter of rain seemed to make that interaction final, but Caleb wasn't about to let her get her way.

She had been sighing all day. He could even hear them from far away, which was how he located her so easily. She was currently hiding in a pile of blankets in the utility room.

Well, if nothing was working... he would just have to cheer her up in the only way he knew how, right?

"Let's go outside, Meimei. I'll take you somewhere. Just like we always did at the shelter."

The girl finally looked at him, the first sparkle entering her eyes that he had seen in the past few months. "...Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise. Now hurry! If we go now, we can avoid Gran finding out."

He held out his hand to her, like he did several times before. The girl giggled, tickling his ears, taking his hand, and they were off.

The fresh scent of petrichor sprayed their cheeks, engulfing them as mud and wet leaves sloshed underneath their feet with each trudge through the park.

"Isn't this where Zayne took us...?" the girl scanned their surroundings.

"Yeah. You said it was better than the shelter," Caleb said, leading her to the riverbank. "I saw planes flying nearby the last time we were here. I checked the area again a couple days ago, and sure enough, this has a perfect view of the DAA's takeoff spot from Skyhaven."

"Skyhaven... that's where Zayne went... and someday, it will take you away from me too," the girl lowered her head.

"No. Think of it this way. Doesn't looking at Skyhaven make you feel closer to him?"

"That's—"

An engine's roar swooped down, cutting her off. The plane soared through the twilight sky, leaving a contrail from Skyhaven to somewhere beyond the horizon.

"It's taking off!" the girl yelled over the flying machinery, her hair going every which way from the powerful fans beating down on them from below. Her shoulders shook, and suddenly she was laughing an entire fit, tears rolling from the corner of her eyes.

Caleb squinted, shielding his face from the strong wind that blew at his bangs. "It's a L380 Airliner."

"Bye bye, L380!" she waved.

Caleb stared at her. "The L380 is flying to other cities. It might be far away now, but it'll be back before you know it."

Just like Zayne... hopefully.

The girl understood what he meant. She clasped her hands in prayer, whispering reverently into her knuckles. "Let's meet again, L380! Stay strong!"

Caleb turned his gaze back to the sky. Planes continued to shoot out from Skyhaven like shooting stars. He recognized each make, each brand. Refreshing his knowledge of each purpose, reciting them under his breath, etching it to memory. Some day... he would be the one piloting those planes, surfing the clouds. This close, he could picture it almost perfectly. It was his biggest dream.

If anyone asked Caleb what made him so into planes, he wouldn't be able to answer. All he knew was that... he liked them. He liked watching them soar high into the sky, far away from what was hurting him. He wanted to fly. It was an intricate part of his personality, ingrained to his being as long as he can remember. Flying had always been the only path for him. It was something that needed to happen, his inevitable future.

Maybe it was the only way he'd be free. He'd fly far away, higher than anybody else, and take her some place beyond the clouds where no one else could touch them.

If she ever went into the sky again... he'd find her. If he conquered the skies, he could conquer anything, right? They'd never be apart.

"Gege..." the girl looked at him with bright eyes, no trace of the gloom left. "Thank you... I know I was being difficult. But... now all my worries are gone. Zayne must be working hard, so we have to be ready for when he comes back."

The clouds parted, pushed aside by the planes like a giant curtain, and the last glow of the sun shifted over the trees, casting them in red shadows. Against the tan of her skin, it gave her a rosy hue, as if she was doused in blush. Her lips curled into a soft smile, but when their eyes met, hers hiding behind fluttering lashes, they widened into a full blown grin that revealed her pearly whites, glinting with two gaps.

Bump.

"Well? Don't you think it's romantic?" the girl rested her head on his shoulder, where she fit exactly, like two halves of a whole. Everything about them fit so well together. And at this angle, he could feel the rise and fall of her chest as if she was another extension of him, her breath hitting his cheek.

He blinked slowly.

"Yeah. Perfect."

She was. Compared to him. She was... so...

Bump. Bump.

Oh, no. Oh no, oh no—

A single petal spiraled from the tree above, pulled by gravity. It landed in the girl's hair, then left it with a kiss, swinging elsewhere. It fluttered to the ground nearby, seeking shelter in the mud, only for a bird to swoop down, stomping on the petal. With its vicious beak, it pecked at the fragment bit by bit, tearing it apart, swallowing the pieces whole, not leaving behind a single crumb to even remember it by.

Caleb's heart raced in his chest. He gripped his shirt, twisting the fabric, as his breaths got short. An ache started there, then descended to the pit of his stomach. The ache was similar to the one he got whenever he stared at a plate of food after skipping meals, not eating in a while. His teeth clamped down on his bottom lip, rolling the flesh within his grasp until he tasted copper. He sucked, gulping down blood. It didn't help.

A loose groan escaped his throat, and he squirmed, tilting his head away from her. All the hairs of his body stood on end like fuzz, shocked by her touch.

He had been doing so well. He had thought that this feeling had vanished completely, that he had finally managed to bury it deep inside of him. For so long, he had refused to name it, convincing himself that it wasn't serious. And it hadn't resurfaced in so long, as if settling after he came to terms with his new role. He almost forgot it even existed...

But gases couldn't be contained in a glass jar for long. He had seen a teacher in the chemistry lab do so before. They mixed carbon disulfide with nitrous oxide. Shaken together, they went along well, but with a single touch of heat, the glass was devoured by the blue flame, releasing a sad howl into the air, a signal of defeat. Once the gases were ignited, the container vaporized, never coming back.

Caleb let go of his lip with a pop. What a nuisance. This was only going to complicate things. And he wasn't stupid enough to risk their lives, jeopardizing his mission. But he had already been wanting things—small at first. It started with simply just longing to be close to her, never leaving her side... until it escalated, coveting greater aspects of her presence. It was a slow, greedy kind of hunger that snaked its way inside of him, and the more he neglected it, the hungrier it got.

But he was family. He could never be anything other than her older brother. That's the way she wanted it, the only way she had accepted him into her life. Sure, he messed up a few times, but that's why he had been regulating his emotions around her, so she wouldn't see how depraved he really was. He was fine with it, fine with only ever being with her older brother. He had to be. After all, it granted him the privilege of being by her side, being closer to her than anyone else. But... it was starting to not be enough. And that was a major hiccup.

What would happen if he couldn't be the proper older brother she wanted, after all? It was only a matter of time before all the cracks fell away, fully revealing the monster within, the version of him she didn't want to see. And then... she'll abandon him again. Like Zayne had. Caleb could still see that look of fear in his eyes, the way he willingly turned his back on him, his accusatory tone. Zayne had said he was going to Skyhaven for research, but Caleb knew that Zayne was leaving because part of him was afraid—afraid of allowing whatever it was going on between them. And how could anyone who saw his flaws possibly want something with him?

This was why Caleb never wanted a sister, someone to call family. It was a pretty little fantasy not meant for him. Family required loyalty that Caleb would always give but never receive, and that was a lonely existence.

He never wanted to fall in love with anyone, either. Not that he even knew what "love" was. Love was an abstract idea that he heard about from several others, but never had any chance to relate. To him, love must have been cruel. It was a gilded cage, filled with lies. People in love had their wings clipped, rendering them helpless. But Caleb didn't want to dance to the tune of others anymore. He wanted to fly. But without realizing it, he had flied too high, too close to the sun, and was now in danger of falling down, being crushed by gravity. Just like that flower petal.

Life was never fair. Now that he had finally got a taste of the sun's warmth on his skin after being kept in the dark for so long, he didn't want to let go. He craved the light. In a life that was never his own, where everyone always left him, he desired something that, just for once, could be wholly and completely his.

And why couldn't it be the girl before him, who smiled at him so cutely? The only one who appreciated his own presence, who didn't look at him in fear? As long as she continued to think of him as her hero... would she stay with him forever?

Even though he knew better, even though it was forbidden, even though he knew there were more deserving options...

"Gege?" the girl's brow furrowed in concern, her eyes wavering as she looked up at him, like he was her entire world and she was scared of losing it, too.

He was doomed. He wasn't sure for how much longer he could pull this brother act off.

And the worst part was, this peace couldn't last. There were too many eyes on them, too many who also coveted their worth. It was only a matter of time before she was swept away, stolen by someone else who wasn't him. Someone who would've been more appropriate and worthy than he was.

He wished he never knew what love was. Because now he couldn't imagine a life without it.

*****

On their way back home, it started to drizzle again.

"From now on, don't suffer on your own. We're both hurting, so it's better if we work things out together," Caleb waved his hand, using his Evol to prevent any drops from touching them. "I don't like to see you in pain."

Don't hide from me again. I want to see all of you.

"What if I just run away and hide? Then I'll never have to tell you my secrets," the girl crossed her arms with a huff.

Caleb grabbed her arm, pulling it to him, undoing her shield. "You can't hide from me. If you hide, I'll just keep searching for you until we meet again. You know I can always find you."

The girl pursed her lips. "Okay... but you need to promise me you will. Don't ever give up on me."

He tightened his grip on her hand, lifting them up between them. "Of course."

His gaze landed on the store they went to after school every week for groceries. They slowed to a stop.

"Remember when we went here with Zayne...?" the girl mumbled.

"Yeah..." Caleb headed towards the back. "Follow me. I want to show you something."

They snuck into the garden. It was the same place, but there were some changes. The endless summers were nowhere to be found, not yet the time for them to bloom. Caleb had also grown taller, his head now reaching past halfway the stone wall. He slid his favorite green messenger bag off his shoulder, never failing to bring it everywhere he went, rummaging its contents. He pulled out some finger paint.

"What are you doing?" the girl whispered, tip toeing to his side.

"It's just like how we doodle on the walls back home," Caleb said, dipping his fingers in white paint. He then smeared them on the wall. "Let's leave our mark here. Hurry, before it starts to rain again."

He handed the paint to the girl.

The girl glanced at it, then looked back at Caleb. "But Grandma always scolds us when we do that."

"Yet she never washes any of it away. Besides, she isn't here," Caleb shook the can. "You scared?"

The girl bit her lip, snatching the can from him. "I can't reach that spot yet."

"No problem," he offered his hand to her once more. She carefully slid her hand into his. Their fingers intertwining, a light glow wrapped around them, and the girl floated into the air. Together, their fingers brushed along the cold, smooth surface.

Pulling back from the wall, what remained was two stick figures. One tall, one short—their hands were connected. The tall figure carried an umbrella in his other hand, acting like a torch that led the way, its canopy extending over them, protecting the smaller one.

"Why an umbrella?"

"Because from now on, whenever it rains, I'll shield you from the cold."

They didn't need Zayne. He could do this on his own.

The girl stared at the painting, her hand clinging to his.

"Hey, Gege..."

"Yes?" Caleb asked, looking down at her.

"You... have always been good at finding me. How do you know where I am?"

He had given her a ton of reasons before. He swallowed. "Maybe it's because... I love you a little more than you realize."