#angrypatbateman

What are you going to pick as your major? If you’re a male and you said something other than business, pre-law, or pre-medicine, you’re doing it wrong. Do you want to be wallowing in debt at the age of 30 or do you want to be sailing your yacht down to the Caribbean? Nobody cares about your burning passion for ancient Mayan civilization. They’re all dead. Some of you may say you’d like to pick engineering or hard sciences. What? College isn’t for WORKING. It’s for NETWORKING.

Women: you have a few more options. In addition to the above options, you can select something along the lines of Art History or Literature. In addition to increasing your trophy wife fator, these majors will cultivate your ability to carry on an intelligent conversation for more than five seconds, thereby reducing my urge to ax you in the damn face. Major in fashion design only if you’re talented. Be honest with yourself. Just because you turned your jeans into god-awful “jorts” does not mean you’re the next Diane von Furstenberg. And for the love of God, don’t major in women’s studies. Yes, you have a vagina and you’re mad on its behalf. We get it.

3. Don’t study too hard.

Fast forward to your graduation date. What’s going to get you hired at Pierce & Pierce – being another summa cum laude in a towering stack of resumes or having weekly squash matches with the CEO’s son? The connections you make are entirely more important than the papers you write. How else can you explain Paul Allen’s position? The man has kelp noodles for brains and, if I say so myself, a godawful haircut. The same goes for applying to post-undergraduate institutions. Several simple things – a donated building, say – can easily help that T14 law school forgive your 2.8 GPA.

4. Stay away from the keg.

If you’re even thinking about attending a party where beverages are being served in RED PLASTIC CUPS instead of cut-crystal Waterford tumblers, kill yourself or else I’ll do the honor for you.

5. What are you wearing?

Ladies: 

- Polyester blend is for peasants. If I see you wearing anything containing polyester, I will promptly rip it off and use it as a noose to strangle you.

- Remove that black North Face jacket. Are you going to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro? No? Then invest in a fitted pea coat. Burberry is always an excellent, classic choice.

- If you are wearing anything from American Apparel, drown yourself in a tub of patchouli and hummus immediately.

Gentlemen:

- Learn to tie your goddamn tie. Remember to use the correct knot for the occasion. If the existence of more than one tie knot is new information to you, just give up on life.

- Burn anything with extra pockets. The only “cargo” that is ever acceptable are quality shipments from Colombia.

- Invest in a good robe. Trust me on this one.

- “Distressed” jeans? Just…say…no. In fact, do your university’s town a favor and burn down Abercrombie & Fitch. If you feel the pressing need to even wear jeans in the first place, they should be impeccably tailored.

Everyone:

- Find a good dry cleaner. If you’re washing your clothes in your dormitory’s laundry room, you’re an idiot. Don’t you realize that there is a socially constructed caste system in this country? Why aren’t you abusing it? I can recommend several great places that will remove every trace of…cran-apple juice.

- Sweatshirts are not an option. You look like a future contestant on The Biggest Loser. Do you want to look like Mark Zuckerberg or the all-American Winklevi? Burn it.

- If you wear pajamas to class, I’ll make sure your next stop will be a bathtub full of acid in Hell’s Kitchen.

  Stay tuned for my guide to the post-graduate life.