Summary: Dean doesn't take Charlie's death too well and because of the Mark of Cain affecting him, he tells you things that will regret.
Warnings: moc!Dean Winchester, Dean being a dick, minor mentions of injury, swearing, ANGST, major character's death
Pairing: Dean Winchester × reader
Featuring: Sam Winchester
Word count: 2,3k
We watched in agony as Charlie's body, wrapped around a white sheet, burned in the flames. This should never have happened to her kind soul. She died so we could save Dean. I couldn't help but feel guilty; my heart ached because I lost a friend, again. I knew Sam felt the same. We both asked Charlie for help with the Book of the Damned, and we both lied to Dean about the book being destroyed. Now it was too late to make things right. Memories flashed through my eyes, making me tear up. I remembered when she helped us with the Dick situation, or when I taught her some hunter-kind-of-tricks. How happy she was and wouldn't stop thanking me. She didn't deserve this, anyone but her.
“Charlie,” Sam started, grabbing my and probably Dean's attention. “We are gonna miss you. You're the best.” He stopped when his voice cracked, and now I was sure he felt far worse than me because looking back, he suggested not telling Dean about the Book of the Damned not being destroyed, which I didn't agree with at first. But seeing Dean, my Dean, slowly fade away right in front of my eyes changed my opinion. Maybe it was selfish, me and Sam both were. But we couldn't let Dean become something he fears, a Monster. We couldn't lose another person, another family member, but we didn't realize who we were putting in danger on this path.
“We love you, Charlie, and I'm so sorry,” I said, blinking through tears.
“Shut up,” Dean said coldly, making Sam and me look at him. “You got her killed. You don't get to apologize.” He continued.
“Dean-“ Sam started, but Dean cut him off.
“You too, you two are the reason she is dead,” he said, not taking his eyes off the flames.
“We were trying to help you,” I said, still looking at him.
“I didn't need help,” he said bitterly. "I told you to leave it alone.”
“What were we supposed to do, just watch you die?” Sam asked, not letting me be the only one receiving the cold tone from his older brother.
“The mark isn't gonna kill me.”
“Maybe not, but when it's done with you, you won't be you anymore,” I stated. “Dean, you're all we got. So of course we were gonna fight for you because that's what we do,” I said softly.
“Yeah, she's right, we had a shot-“ Sam was cut off again by Dean.
“Yeah, you had a shot. Charlie is dead.” He finally turned his head to look at me and his brother, who was standing next to me. His dark emerald eyes bore into mine, and I couldn't recognize them. Never have I ever seen him look at me with those eyes. Because no matter how much crap we went through, he always made sure I was fine, and his eyes held nothing but sweetness and, on most occasions, worry. “Nice shot.”
“Are you even listening to me? You think I'm ever gonna forgive myself for that?!” I snapped, not being able to keep my voice down anymore. He is grieving, but so am I. If I could, I would trade places with her.
“You know what I think,” he started, still with the same voice tone. “I think it should be you up there and not her.”
I felt my heart break for the hundredth time today. I parted my lips, not taking my teary eyes off him, which clearly showed how hurt I was. Sam let out a small gasp and widened his eyes after he heard Dean's words, clearly not expecting his brother to go that far.
I knew he blamed me, probably even more than Sam. But knowing that he wanted me dead hurt more than any physical torture I've experienced.
Sam called his name, still shocked after what he heard, but his brother just walked away, breaking my heart more and more.
—————
It has been a week since I lost Charlie, since I lost my Dean. He has been searching for the Stynes ever since but has been having a bit of trouble finding their location. So meanwhile, he went on a few solo hunts. He hasn't said a word to me and to Sam, just a few like ‘buy some beers’ ‘did you find anything about the Stynes’.
He found another hunt for today and was packing his bag in his own room. We both haven't stepped in our shared room ever since the accident, which meant we weren't even sleeping on the same bed. I'm done with being ignored, so I knocked on his door and opened it without waiting for any response. He didn't even turn around, probably knowing it was me.
“Dean,” I called his name, not even knowing what I wanna talk about, but getting him to look at me was the first step. “Dean,” I called, this time louder, and when he still didn't turn around, I walked towards him and grabbed his arm. “Alright, I'm done. When will you finally stop ignoring me?!”
He looked at my hand, which was grabbing his arm, and slowly turned around, finally looking at my face. “I'm not ignoring you, I just don't want to talk to you or be near you,” he said bitterly, pulling his arm away and reaching for his door.
“Dean, you know you're not the only one who lost someone, okay? And believe me, I know it's my fault she's gone, and I'll never forgive myself for that. But, god, you're practically killing me. I miss you,” I said desperately, waiting for something in his eyes to change, waiting for him to embrace me in his strong arms, but... Nothing. His eyes didn't even hold hatred anymore, just emptiness.
“I don't know what you expect me to say, ‘I'm sorry you were so stupid’ ‘I'm sorry you got another person killed off’ ‘I'm sorry you're so fucking useless’ Huh?! Is that what you want me to say? You want me to feel sorry for you?!” he yelled, showing the anger and darkness in his eyes while he harshly slammed me to the wall, making me whimper slightly. His words cut deep into my skin, but I tried my best to ignore them, knowing this Dean wasn't really my Dean.
“I want you to understand, I want you to know that I'm sorry. I want you to tell me that we're gonna go through this like we always do,” I said softly, looking deeply into his eyes, trying to crack him.
He let out a dark chuckle and grasped my shoulders, lowering his head to be on the same height level with me. “You want me to tell you that we're gonna go through this? Well, baby, in that way, I'd be a big liar.”
“Dean, me and Sam, we are so close to saving you. Please, just don't let the mark control you,” I begged, feeling small under his touch.
“I don't want nor need you two saving me, and believe me, at this very moment, I'm trying to not let the mark control me, so don't provoke me,” he whispered against my ear, sending shivers down my spine.
"I thought you trusted me.”
“Well, that trust was destroyed when you got someone who was like a sister to me killed. Have you ever noticed how many innocent people died because you were being too stupid?” he said harshly.
"We all have made mistakes, Dean," I said, as I thought about the hunts where innocent people died, and I couldn't save them. I didn't want Dean to know how much his words were affecting me, but, god, I felt like a crumpled paper.
“Seems like that's the only thing you ever do,” he smirked, letting his eyes fall on the floor again before looking up at my eyes again. “Tell me, how does it feel knowing you don't mean anything to anybody and you're just a burden in our lives? How does it feel knowing nobody loves you?”
That's it. That was the punch line to make me break into tears.
“Y-you love me, you said that before.”
“You know I lie to get laid,” he said, smirking, proud of his response.
My heart was racing more and more, and I felt nauseous.
“Dean, please-“
“You're nothing, do you hear me? Nothing!” he grabbed my cheeks harshly. “Your existence doesn't matter. You.don't.matter.” he said, spitting the words out before letting me go. He took his bag and walked out of the room, not even glancing at me. I slid down the wall as I started sobbing silently.
Then I heard a buzz from my phone.
New message from Sammy:
“Y/N, Dean just said he found a hunt, probably three to four werewolves, and he told me to go with him. I was really surprised but didn't question him. I think he's getting better. I'll also talk to him on the road. Next time, he'll definitely ask you too, just like old times. Don't stay up and don't worry; we got this :) love you.”
He asked Sam to go, but not me. If he hadn't told me that he hated me a few minutes ago, I'd think he was worried. But if it was really 3 or 4 werewolves, there's nothing to be worried about. He just wants to stay away from me. He told me I was a burden to them; he'll probably throw me out of the bunker soon.
Dark thoughts ran through my mind, and suddenly a rush of anxiety ran through me. What if there were more than a few werewolves? What if they get hurt? What if Dean hates me even more?
I checked Sam's message again and saw that he sent me the address of where the werewolves' location is and where the hunt would probably take place. I quickly rushed to my room, grabbed my car keys, and went to drive to the location.
—————
I was hiding behind some of the trees in the forest, watching as each of the boys fought one werewolf, two already dead ones on the floor.
Everything seemed good so far; I mean, their guns were on the floor, but they were fighting each werewolf single handed and there was no need for me to make my presence known. The boys were winning as always. And that's when I realized they don't really need me in their life. I knew the words that came out of Dean's mouth tonight weren't really Dean's, my Dean. But he was somehow right; before I became the hunter I am today, I made many mistakes. Some were small, and some led to people getting hurt or even killed. I also put their lives in danger multiple times because I was being reckless. Finding the demons that killed my parents blinded my vision. I was ready to get back to the bunker when I saw both of the werewolves giving up until I noticed something.
A werewolf close to Sam's back, and it seemed like none of the brothers noticed him. I searched for my gun but remembered I forgot it in the backseat of my car. I cursed under my breath and did the only thing possible right now to save Sam. I couldn't let Dean lose another person, especially his brother, who I knew meant the world to him. I couldn't put him through something like that again when there's a chance to save the younger Winchester.
So I ran towards Sam, trying my best to not slip because of the woods on the floor. The Werewolf was close, and nobody noticed him. I'm not the only stupid one after all. The boys turned their heads to me for a slight second, surprised at my presence, but didn't stop fighting the other werewolves.
Until I pushed Sam away from the werewolf he was fighting onto the floor. He seemed confused at first, until he saw it. I assumed Dean did too but couldn't be too sure since he was behind me. I let out an agonizing scream when the werewolf grazed his claws into my stomach and the other one, which Sam was fighting before, grazed his claws into my back before my lifeless body fell on the floor. Dean didn't hesitate more seconds before getting his gun from the floor and shooting all the werewolves.
I was bleeding like a waterfall from my body and my mouth. But the good thing is-
I didn't feel any pain, or anything in that matter…
Dean Winchester’s Pov:
No no no.
This can't be happening.
It's all a nightmare, just another stupid nightmare.
I heard Sam's crying voice telling the love of my life, his best friend, to wake up, holding her torn apart body in his arms, asking her why she pushed him away. But there was no answer.
It's a nightmare happening in real life.
Her beautiful y/e/c are open but so empty, unrecognizable.
I stood over her body, not being able to move from my spot.
There is so much blood everywhere.
Her blood.
This is hell.
No, I’ve been to hell and it's worse than hell.
I started tearing up more and more, reality hitting me more every second.
I let out an angry scream and fell on my knees when I remembered my last words to her.
“You're nothing, do you hear me? Nothing! Your existence doesn't matter. You.don't.matter.”
She wasn't nothing, she was my everything.
She mattered, she was the reason I kept going, now she's gone and it's all my fault.
All my fault.
All of the words I said came back to me, making my chest hurt.
As I knelt beside her lifeless body, surrounded by the aftermath of our shattered world, I whisper into the silent abyss, "I'm sorry, Y/N. I'm so sorry."
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Tags: angst, arguing, Dean is an asshole, angry!Dean
Word Count: 1,419
(Gif not mine)
"What the hell were you thinking?" Dean yelled. Gnashing your teeth together, you threw your gun into the trunk and slammed it shut. You were seriously not in the mood right now.
"I saved his life!" Dean grabbed your arm roughly and wrenched you around to face him. "Get off of me," you growled lowly, dangerously. When his grip loosened, you pulled away.
"That was way too damn risky, Y/N, don't you know that?" Dean continued. "What if you hit him instead, huh?" You and Dean were both stubborn as hell; you knew that. If you kept going at it like this, you would be fighting tooth and nail until one of you passed out.
"I don't know what else you want me to say, Dean," you said in your best calm voice as you climbed into the Impala. "There was an open shot, so I took it. And guess what? I saved a kid's life." Shaking his head, the oldest Winchester yanked his door closed a little harder than necessary.
"You missed his head with that bullet by a hair!" he continued. "A hair! You almost killed him!"
"But I didn't!" you shot back. Dean let out an irritated growl and turned the keys in the ignition, tearing off into the night.
"You see, this is your problem, you know that? You don't focus on the parts that could get someone else killed. You only focus on the parts that make you look like a damn hero! You're a shit hunter, Y/N. No real hunter would risk an innocent kid's life like that!" Oh, fuck this. If he was going to hit you where it hurt, there was no way in hell you were going to just sit there and take it.
"Don't you dare," you seethed, enunciating every word. "Don't you dare talk to me like that. Who the hell do you think you are? You think I call the hard shots so I can look like a hero? Screw you, Dean!" You could've sworn he flinched. You had never spoken to him like this before, and he was floored. "I'm just trying to save as many lives as I can before my ass gets killed in this crazy life we decided to live. Save the world one innocent life at a time. That's our job, right? I'm trying to do what's right for everybody involved. So, you listen to me, Winchester, and you listen good. I wouldn't have taken that shot if I thought it would've killed him. It was either I pulled the trigger, or he got his damn throat slit by that bastard. Yes, it was risky," you admitted fiercely, "but what isn't? Now, I know you don't like me, and quite frankly, I have absolutely no idea what I did to make you hate me so damn much, but I refuse to sit here and let you talk to me like I'm just some stupid hunter who gets in your way all the time. Do you even remember how we met?" Dean's knuckles went white on the steering wheel. "I could've let your ass to die in that vamp nest. You were out cold, bleeding out, and had three of those sons of bitches crowded around you. I didn't have to help you!" you snapped. The car went quiet for a brief moment as you allowed yourself to catch your breath. "But I did. Do you know why? Because I'm not some heartless monster, Dean. I see someone that needs my help, you bet your ass I'm gonna help them." You glared at him. "Even if it turns out that they still treat me like shit. That's the difference between me and those things that we hunt. And we hunt them together. I may not be the best out there, but I am damn good at what I do. But maybe you're so caught up in your ego you think the only good hunters in the world are you and Sam." Dean slammed on the brakes hard, and you had to brace yourself against the dashboard. You could feel the fury rolling off of him in waves as he stormed out of the car. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" you demanded, throwing the door open angrily.
"I'm taking a walk, for Christ's sake!" he snarled over his shoulder. You scoffed loudly.
"Oh, what, you just want me to wait here for you in the car while you go listen to the sounds of nature and 'find yourself?' Hell no. I'm coming with you." You grabbed your jacket from the passenger's seat and pulled the keys from the ignition, making sure to lock the doors behind you. Dean sighed heavily and stopped in his tracks as you approached.
"I didn't say you had to wait in the car for me," he grumbled, scuffing his boot into the gravel road. "You could've driven back to the bunker or something." You rolled your eyes. He always had been a drama queen.
"And let you walk for three hours to get back? We're in the middle of nowhere, Dean. Pass. If your ass got lost or killed on my watch, something tells me your brother wouldn't be very happy." Dean shoved his hands into his pockets and sighed again.
"So, that's what this is. You're just babysitting me for Sam." You shook your head.
"I never said that."
"Sure what it sounded like."
"Jesus Christ, Dean!" you exclaimed, exasperated. "Like I said, I know you hate me, but I never said I hated you. Or that I didn't care about you, for that matter. I mean, yeah, you drive me up the fucking wall sometimes-" Dean snorted. "-but that doesn't mean I want to see you hurt."
"Yeah, where'd you get that idea anyway?" Dean asked. You looked over at him in confusion, his breaths coming out in little puffs in the cold air.
"What?" you asked. He shrugged.
"That I hate you," he stated as if the answer was obvious. "I never said that either." You allowed your shoulders to sag.
"You didn't have to." Dean ran a hand through his hair and finally turned to face you.
"Look, Y/N," he began, "I ain't good at this touchy-feely crap, okay? But I'm gonna try." He licked his lips thoughtfully, much to your amusement.
"Don't hurt yourself," you mused sarcastically, earning a scowl. As Dean rolled his shoulders, you had to keep your eyes from widening. He looked... nervous? What the hell?
"The stuff I said back there... I didn't really mean any of that. You're not a shit hunter. Hell, you're one of the best I've seen." You frowned at him, confused.
"Well, then why did you say that?" Dean looked away.
"Y/N, I've killed people because of a reckless decision. Innocent people. And the guilt that comes with that?" He blinked away the ghost of a troubling memory. "It can kill you," he warned. "I've seen it before. Hell, I live with it every day." You swallowed hard. You hadn't been expecting to talk about this, but it seemed like the right time to finally bring it up.
"I know," you agreed. "I had a sister." Dean's eyebrows went up.
"I didn't know that."
"You never asked," you pointed out. He opened his mouth to say something, but you held up a hand to stop him. "It's okay," you reassured. "I don't really like to talk about it anyway." Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes for a brief moment. There was no going back now. "We hunted together for a couple years," you explained. "We were really close. She was my best friend. We followed a case in Ohio. Demon. I was reckless, and I got too close. He had a blade... she jumped in front of me." Not even the crickets dared to make a noise as you let out a shaky breath, fighting back tears. "I've, ah, never told anyone that story before." Much to your surprise, Dean Winchester took your hand and gave it a small squeeze.
"I guess there's a lot we don't know about each other," he said. You nodded.
"Yeah."
"What do you say we start over?" A small smile had the corners of your mouth quirking up.
"I'd like that a lot," you nodded.
"Good." Dean gave you another squeeze before releasing your hand and reaching into your jacket pocket for his car keys. "Me too. C'mon," he urged gently. "Let's go home."
Thank you for reading! <3
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Dean’s got a short fuse and if he were honest, he’s known that for a while now. Dean being dean though? He didn’t know how to go about coping with it. The anger? it sure helped to fuel the demonic side.
