#andreios

The alliance between the avians and my mother’s court is a fragile one, if it can even be called that; a falcon would never be welcome here. That is why I count it a blessing that I wear a crow’s form that I no longer remember how to shuck, because it is in the Hawk’s Keep that I am determined to make my life.

Even if it means losing it amidst the never-ending fighting.

My kind are long-lived, and time moves slowly on the white island, but I know that if I do not lose my life in the fighting, I will not be allowed to remain away from Ahnmik forever. So I must savour this time while it lasts, even if it is, at times, difficult to savour.

Days and weeks and years, and for almost every moment since I arrived here, I have been a liar. I wear the face of someone I once called friend, and it is more familiar to me than the one I was born with. My magic, already neglected, must surely have withered in the face of all the lies I have told, to everyone around me, every minute of every day. I lie every time I answer when they call me by name.

Days and weeks and years. I will never be able to be honest with the woman I love. I will never be able to tell her who I am.

Days and weeks and years.

How long until my mother’s Mercy comes for me?

“Lay down, Rei.”

The words gave way to a yawn, as I patted the bedroll that was clearly normally his. It had been laid out with neat, orderly precision—which had only underscored the cobbled-togetherness of what had been scrounged for me.

“It’s hardly--”

“Lay down.”

This time I spoke firmly, though admittedly not with as much authority as I would have if I were addressing a crowd.

“The longer you argue, the longer you keep me from a much needed rest. Come lay beside me and sleep. That’s all I ask.”

He extinguished the lamp, still necessary under the thick gloom that always clung to the trees in the early hours, and I heard him moving about with the automatic motions of long habit. It was easy to forget sometimes that all of the Royal Flight started out as common soldiers. Those as skilled as Rei moved up quickly, but he’d still done his time out in the fields. I wondered what memories sleeping out here stirred for him now.

On impulse, I went ahead and asked.

“What are you thinking?”

Rei sighed, the long, low, weary sound of someone finally laying their body down to rest.

“I’m trying not to,” he finally answered.

“I’m sorry,” I said, thought the soft laughter in my tone made me sound anything but. “I know I just said we should sleep, but you know I’ve never been one to drift off so easily.”

He hummed a non-answer, followed by more shifting. His voice was startling closer when he spoke again.

“I’m trying,” he said carefully, “not to think about how many nights we’ve spent together like this, or some configuration like it. I’m trying not to think about how you’ve been avoiding me since our kiss. And I’m trying,”

He rolled over again, the dark shadow of him propped up next to me disappearing just as I’d started to make it out in the dimness of the pre-dawn light.

“Not to think about whether you came out here for me tonight, or him.”

His words floored me, rushed up and struck me with as much force as the ground had earlier when I’d collapsed. I was reeling, and the sound of my own heart thundered in my ears so loudly I nearly didn’t hear my own reply.

“I… what?”

“I saw the way you laughed when you danced with him, Danica. That was more than simply putting on a good show to keep folks from worrying.”

“I was having a good time! The first good time I’ve had in… skies, who even knows? Is it a crime to laugh, Andreios?”

“No, I--”

He cut off with a frustrated sound. He tried again, with that careful, measured, avian calm that I knew so well. I suddenly understood why Zane asked me not to use it. Rei felt a million miles away as he said,

“I overstepped. I’m sorry, Shardae.”

I couldn’t breathe past the tightness in my throat. I didn’t know what Rei was talking about it, but I wanted to mend whatever this rift was before it split any wider.

Cautiously, ready to pull away if he rebuffed me, I reached my hand out.

With a start, I realized Rei’s chest was bare. My hand lay on the fever hot smoothness of his chest, no shirt or coat or blanket between.

I willed my hand to relax.

“Rei… please. Come back. Don’t relegate me to another duty. Not tonight.”

I felt his shoulders stiffen, then relax by deliberate degrees. He turned over to face me, but cupped his hand over mine to keep it in place. That one simple motion filled me with warmth from my head to my toes.

“You’re never a duty, Danica. Whatever else we are or aren’t, I am not your guard out of mere duty.”

My throat was thick and tight with emotion, my tongue wooden and clumsy in my mouth. What could I possibly say to that? There were no words a monarch could give to their guardsman that would ring with the same echo of devotion, no words a friend could give to their dearest companion to match the pure, desperate love he’d implied. There was no poetry in me to equal the surging of my heart, the fierce ache that sprung up inside me.

But there was another way my lips could speak.

Carefully, so carefully, I leaned forward. My nose brushed the edge of his jaw, hard and prickly from a day’s worth of stubble. I smiled at the thought of it, my immaculate guardsman coming undone from chasing his mad queen across the forests. I followed that line of stubble, trying to orient myself on his face. It was hardly than I’d anticipated, kissing. There were so many moving parts to line up, so many noses and chins and edges. It should have been simple, but I found I didn’t really mind exploring my way across Rei’s face until I found his lips.

He let me kiss him, and my heart soared even higher. This was what I’d wanted our first kiss to be. I chased him down onto the bedroll, pushing softly where my hand still pressed against his chest. I don’t if it was shock or exhaustion, or an attempt at apology for pushing things too quickly the first time. But the way Rei let me kiss him now was perfect, and I rewarded him for it by lingering, letting our breaths mingle as I hovered above him for just an instant, savoring.

“Dani—”

I pressed my lips to his again. Whatever it was he wanted to say, he could find a way to do it with his lips, or hands. I was done talking for tonight.

The Ties That Bind Tag list: @thehellinsideyourhead @therecouldbecolorsandlove @adventuresofacreesty @writing-with-melon @rainydaydarling @faithfire

Raev’s Gen Tag List (should I tag you guys in this? It IS a thing I wrote. I’m gonna say yes unless you guys are like “no of course not we’re sick of hearing about your stupid fic for a twenty year old book XD)

No one has complained yet so yall gonna keep getting tagged :P

Danica Shardae: nothing much to say here. I really do think she should have been allowed to say fuck at least once. Also some comparisons on how avian fashion might look different from Falcon fashion. I know typically Falcons wear a blouse that's loose in the chest area but tight around the waist and forearms. I don't think it would be outside the realm of possibility to think avians would wear something similar, but would likely be more conservative looking. And tbh, there's only so many ways a person with wings could conceivably wear a shirt so. You know.

Zane Cobriana: lol. I think his skintone is the one I'm most unsure about but i definitely think he's got a very goth hairstyle like that.

Nacola Shardae: Danica's emotionally distant mother. A constant thorn in Zane's side. I can't say I have ever cared very much for her, but i really liked this description of her in hawksong where she's wearing this lovely ethereal silk outfit. had to draw it.

Andreios: everyone's most beloved Boy. this is about how I've always pictured him looking tbh. Underrated, no doubt.

Erica Silvermead: I had a very different image of her in my head, if you followed me on deviantART back in the day, you may remember a couple images I've drawn of her. I think her dark eyes are a really great touch tbh. I think that lamellar armor would also be lightweight enough to allow for flying with relative ease. I'd imagine there's definitely some type of weight training involved though. Her hair is short because having long hair at all is probably not very advantageous on a battlefield so keeping it short would be a good option besides wearing it up.

Kel: Thanks to my friend @simply-yelly2, I was able to refresh myself on the part in Snakecharm where Erica attempts to recall her original appearance as Kel. What she changed into was a woman with medium skin, dusky blonde hair, and amethyst colored eyes. The concept of forcechange and the idea that Falcons who forcechange eventually just forget how they look originally honestly makes me lose my mind.

Kel before the... the atrocities: about how you'd imagine a shm'Ahnmik woman to look. I wanted her features to look a little sharper in comparison to how she looks post-Snakecharm. I know Falcons tend to have sharper features so..

Araceli: I went pretty much exactly by how she's described in Snakecharm. I can't believe I'm saying this but she really does look like Elsa a little bit lol. Tbh her appearance is borderline unnerving to me. Her eyes are so intensely blue they're almost neon, it's scary. I didn't draw wings or feathers but I think she'd look very over-the-top if I did draw them. I know I got a little memey with the captions but her character design is actually very very cool. I love lethal women.

I alighted far enough from the Keep to hopefully not draw the noticed of any watch, trusting Rei and Raymond to follow. A Shardae never flew anywhere alone, but these two were surprisingly not as stifling as I usually felt with an escort. Raymond kept a discrete distance, resting in a tree in his raven form, while the smaller crow that was Andreios made for the clearing my hawk alighted in. Almost before he’d completely transformed, I had my arms around him.

Rei stiffened, but it was only a moment of surprise, I thought. His arms went around me easily enough, and it was familiar enough to be the source of comfort I’d hoped it would be.

For a brief moment, I wished I could simply share emotion with him as Zane and I had. How much easier would it be to simply let him in, to allow my exhaustion and pain and confusion and doubts wash over him, to have him simply know. But at the same time, I was grateful for the avian reserve that kept us both apart. I didn’t have the strength right now to deal with whatever emotions he might unload on me.

“Dani--“

“Just give me a moment, Rei. Please.”

It didn’t take a serpent’s sense to hear the desperation in my voice. He held me tighter, and I swallowed down a sob. I normally didn’t struggle this much to compose myself. But Zane had asked me not to hide, and it left me slow with my defenses now. I burrowed into Rei’s chest, feeling the strong, familiar heartbeat under my cheek, as steady and constant as the beat of my own hawk’s wings.

Gradually, peace returned, or as much of it as I ever felt. I was steadier, at least, and could stand to pull enough away to look up at him.

“Thank you.”

His look was equally parts amazement and pity. “Dani, of course. You know I’m always here for you. However you need me.”

The words turned me to jelly, and I longed to be able to give into them. Maybe, if I’d ever felt safe enough to feel the full extent of my feelings, his kiss wouldn’t have overwhelmed me. My heart steeled with determination to see the day where I could let myself love, fully, without reservation or fear of loss. I would see myself love this man, and whatever children--

The sharp rasp of Raymond’s raven bark cut through my thoughts. He alighted a moment later, melting into human form. For once, the sight of him did not stir the old pain of mourning Vasili. No, my only thought was dread for the news he delivered.

“Patrols, my lady. The serpiente should still be far enough out, but they won’t be for long.”

Rei’s face hardened, the grim lines of a soldier turning him from grounding rock into shielding fortress once more.

“Shardae, we must go. Whatever plans you have with the Arami, they will all be for not if the last prince of the Cobriana is slain on our doorstep.”

“Generals.” For once, I sounded as cool and commanding as she, “Kindly help me clean this room up. I am expecting company shortly, and it would not do for Zane Cobriana to see his people reduced to figures and arrows.”

I nodded and took to the air without another word. I wasn’t quite the full respite my heart ached for, but it had been a moment to catch my breath, and to know that Rei still had my back. We would address the kiss another time. For now, he was still my Rei, even under the hardness of Flight Commander Andreios. I would need both in the coming days, and I was beyond grateful to know I hadn’t lost them.

-

The Generals were already assembled when we landed, and in fact, had been in council more or less since I’d left. Even when my mother had flown the fields in search of me, they had been amassing information about the serpiente movements, or lack thereof. The charts and maps all over the war room steeled my resolve. I walked right up to one, which I recognized at the section of lands surrounding the Lyssia farmhouse, and pulled it straight down, ignoring the various cries from behind me. My mother, I noted, was absent from the council room.

“My lady?” General Viridian asked. As the youngest of my generals, he was most likely to have seen Zane fight personally. I didn’t begrudge him his sudden paleness.

“I can only assume my mother’s absence means she has not informed you of our impending guest, or else the scouting parties would have already been recalled. Speaking of, Rinnman, would you see to that?”

The old goshawk coughed, spluttered, but finally simply stood to do just that. Perhaps it was Rei’s glare from over my shoulder. Or perhaps it was the meticulous way I was shredding the map in my hands. A waste of a good map, yes, but if it got my point across, I would tear down each chart and map and ledger book and record piece by fragile little peace. I was going to be listened to, and I was going to be obeyed.

“You truly intended to entertain him here, my lady?” Viridian asked again. He still had yet to regain his color.

He raised a valid question, and one had I had given my thoughts over to as we flew.

“He will be presented to the court as any visiting dignitary would, yes, but I prefer for a more secure location for our actual peace talks. I would rather keep our guest and his guards in a less central location to the daily activities of the Keep.”

There was the expected murmur at “his guards”, but I didn’t give them the chance to argue. I simply continued issuing orders.

“The Arami and his people will be given the option to stay on the fourth floor as any other dignitary would be granted, or we will commandeer any ground lodgings required. Any family put out of their homes will be given the suites the Arami would have used. I want an honest assessment of who is best suited to working alongside the serpiente guard to keep the peace. Anyone who feels unable to perform these duties is to be given a two week paid leave if they do so now. Anyone who causes trouble after the fact will be exiled, no exceptions. I will not have this go badly because of failings on our end.”

I was met with stunned silence, which wasn’t really that unexpected. What did surprise me was Raymond’s voice, breaking the silence with a shockingly wise suggestion.

“I would have those selected vetted with the serpiente themselves, my lady. They will be able to feel any negative reaction to their presence. Give them a chance to decline the position and take the leave then as well, once they truly know their own hearts.”

I gave what I hoped was a magnanimous nod, giving myself a moment to gather my composure again before answering.

“An excellent suggestion. Captain Andreios and [rank?] Raymond will escort a small band to meet with the serpiente as they approach the Keep. Gather your best people, generals, and assemble them in receiving arounds at the top of the hour. Dismissed.”

I turned and left on knees that did not shake, much to my surprise. I made it all the way to the fourth floor before my insides turned to jelly.

The Ties That Bind Tag list: @thehellinsideyourhead @therecouldbecolorsandlove @adventuresofacreesty @writing-with-melon @rainydaydarling @faithfire

Raev’s Gen Tag List (should I tag you guys in this? It IS a thing I wrote. I’m gonna say yes unless you guys are like “no of course not we’re sick of hearing about your stupid fic for a twenty year old book XD)

No one has complained yet so yall gonna keep getting tagged :P

I sat, frozen, unable to offer Rei any sort of response because to move at all would be to fly apart in every direction at once. I was exhausted, on every level, but the demands of me just kept coming.

 And now here was Rei, asking without words if everything was alright, and knowing that it wasn’t.

 When I didn’t react to his presence, Rei moved closer, kneeling next to me, putting his arm around my shoulder, gentling me to his chest. I let it happen, let him take comfort from the actions of comforting me, hoping that maybe if I went through the motions it would somehow seep in through this solid wall of icy nothingness. I could feel my edges cracking, wanting desperately to shatter. But Rei’s embrace did not offer enough heat for anything so dramatic. No whirlwind collision of fire and ice would ever come of two so steeped in reserve.

 I pushed away.

 “Dani--“

 “Don’t, Rei.”

 I tried to gentle my harsh refusal with the softness of his childhood nickname. Dani and Rei. Two untried children who thought they knew what grief was. Oh, if we had only known what torments would be yet to come.

 “Is Rei who you want?”

 His question startled me, made me scrutinize him in the close dimness, as if I had somehow mistaken the voice I knew so well, the arms that cradled me to sleep when the nightmares left me screaming, the heartbeat as familiar to my ears as my own. I studied his face, trying to read the thoughts behind his eyes, searching for... I didn’t know what.

 “What does that mean?” I finally asked, at a loss. At least his enigmatic question had given me something else to fixate on, shaken me from my mire of emotions.

 Rei pulled back, and I realized I’d been steadying myself with a hand on his chest, because as he moved away I felt my balance shift, and did not appreciate the metaphor. Yes, Rei was my rock, but he wasn’t leaving me--

 Or was he?

 I flashed back to his outrage at the Mistari camps, the betrayed confusion in his eyes as I’d flung myself between him and Zane. How obviously unhappy he was with this entire arrangement--and how flagrant he’d been with all these emotional displays, and how utterly unseemly it all was.

 We’ll find a way, he’d promised me. And I’d said the exact same words to Zane.

 Is Rei who you want.

 “Rei...”

 I followed him, letting my hand on his chest take more of my weight, letting him feel the shift in my balance, letting him know I would fall without him. It was the only language we had for this thing we dared not voice, the only way I had to show him how much he mattered to me.

 Everyone assumed he’d become my alastair, when I was ready. But what confirmation had I given him, the man who would give his life for me a thousand times over? We never spoke of it, because it was unseemly...

 When had this gulf grown up between us?

 Maybe it was just from watching Zane and Adelina, so obviously a couple without ever doing anything overt, but...

 I wanted Rei. And the fact that he could ask me that, that I’d left him any room to doubt--it broke my heart.

 I’d preserved my purity so carefully, and for what? Zane didn’t care, and had made that clear. And Rei... Rei had suffered for my chastity.

 I brought my other hand up to cup his face, bringing me even further off balance, and searched his stern face for a sign. That he’d stop me, that he wouldn’t... But he didn’t flinch, not even around the eyes. Rei was locked down, hiding from me--me. I felt balanced on the edge of a precipice, knowing that if I didn’t bring him back to me now, he’d be lost to me forever.

 Did I love him? Of course, absolutely and without question. Did I love him in the way he loved me?

 I just didn’t know.

 But I wanted to find out.

 I slipped my hand around to cup his neck, feeling his raven’s feathers soft under my fingertips. I pulled him to me, pushed myself higher up on my knees, did everything I could to close the gap--but he had to come to me. I couldn’t make this soldier bend if he was unwilling.

 I breathed his name, the bare whisper of it lost in the rush of blood pounding in my ears.

 “Rei... Yes. I want this.”

 Now he did flinch, and I thought my heart would break into a million pieces.

 “Here? You want to do this here?”

 I bit back my sigh, tried to keep my voice and breathing even.

 “Yes, Rei, here. Why not here? Why not a million times before this? What has kept us from this?”

 He couldn’t answer, because there wasn’t an answer. We’d kept ourselves apart for reasons that didn’t exist, not when faced the desperate reality of two people who needed each other. I urged him down again, feeling that I was nearly hanging from his neck, begging him to bend, to not fight this now that I was finally ready--

 His lips were startling against mine, too fierce, too sudden. Yes I’d asked him to do this, but I hadn’t expected it to be so, so...

 I tried to stop thinking, to just feel his lips against mine, his hair under my hands, his breath hot on my face-- Breathe. I couldn’t breathe. This was supposed to be passionate and fulfilling, and all I wanted was a chance to pull back, to take a breath--

 I pulled back, opening my mouth to ask him to wait a moment, to pause. But he followed me, the flood of his need unstoppable now that the gates had opened. His tongue surged between my lips, choking in its insistence--

“Rei! Stop! Give me a moment, please.”

 I braced my hands against his chest, feeling his heart as wildly beneath my hands as my own pulse in my throat. My head was spinning and I still couldn’t breathe, and I’d definitely have fallen if not for his hands still around my waist. I gripped his arms at the elbows, needing to hold on, and feeling safe again now that he’d relented. It was a good sign, I hoped, that I still felt safe in his arms, but...

 Well. This could hardly be the reception he’d been hoping for.

 “Please don’t pull away.”

 I gripped his arm and locked my eyes with him, willing him to stay, to keep himself open to me, to not take this as a rejection. The failing was on my part, and I desperately needed him to give me the time to explain that.

 My words came out in a tumbled rush, as overwhelming and demanding as his kiss had been.

 “Can we try that again? I want you, please understand that I want you, but Rei that was so much, how was I supposed to keep up? We’ve never done anything like that before and suddenly you want to consume me--“

 “Dani, Dani stop.”

 His hands were light on my waist, completely at odds with the intensity of my grip on his arms. I felt I was falling, falling, and his careful hands were the only thing holding me to earth. I cherished the feel of his hands, so why had I balked at the press of his lips?

 “You’re right,” he said carefully, as if worried he would spook me. I felt how wide and wild my eyes were, so I really couldn’t blame him. “You’re right. I should have conducted myself with more decorum. I’ve wanted to do that for so long...”

 He closed his eyes and drew in a steading breath, while I wondered at his words. He’d wanted to do that for so long. Had I? Had I honestly ever imagined kissing him, exploring him?

 “But you’re right,” he said again. He sounded almost like he was trying to convince himself. “Here and now and a million times over, I could have and should have and would have and will. I will.”

 He pulled me in closer, and my breath caught at the sudden sensation of too much closeness again.

 “I’m not going anywhere,” he said into my hair. I was glad he couldn't’ see my face, because I had no idea how to hide my panic. “You want me, and now I know. The rest... we’ll figure out.”

 “Right,” I mimicked, wishing I felt his certainty. “We’ll figure it out.”

The Ties That Bind Tag list: @thehellinsideyourhead @therecouldbecolorsandlove @adventuresofacreesty​ @writing-with-melon

Raev’s Gen Tag List (should I tag you guys in this? It IS a thing I wrote. I’m gonna say yes unless you guys are like “no of course not we’re sick of hearing about your stupid fic for a twenty year old book XD)

No one has complained yet so yall gonna keep getting tagged :P