So I dated this guy for like 2 years starting at the end of 8th grade and then we broke up last year because I started feeling repulsed that I was in a relationship, I didn’t want to break up with him and I didn’t understand why I felt like that but it was terrible and I had to stop talking to him for a while. Fast forward to now, I’m pretty sure I’m aroflux and he still loves me. I think I still love him, but it’s difficult because sometimes I like, get this terrible feeling in my chest like I’m weighed down by rocks at the thought of being in a relationship and it’s hard for me to even define what love is, like what if I’m just overthinking and I don’t actually love him? But I feel extra bad because even though he knows I’m aroflux he still loves me and is just with me not being able to love him romantically all the time but he deserves to be loved like that all the time, and I feel like I just can’t love him right. Sorry if that’s a lot, I just don’t know what to do about all of this.
hey. i am also aroflux and i relate to what you're saying, i've definitely felt weighed down by rocks at the thought of being in a relationship before!
you said you don't know why you felt repulsed. my advice is to break the feeling down into parts. what elements of "being in a relationship" appeal to you, and what parts are repulsive? get specific! when you notice yourself feeling repulsed, what just happened to trigger it? why? what would you prefer to have gone differently? if you could construct an ideal relationship, completely disregarding all societal expectations of what a relationship is supposed to look like, what would it look like? how would it differ from what you are currently doing?
no self-judging anything you think of!! no "but that's stupid, who would accept to be in a relationship like that", no "but i SHOULD want that", not even "if i'm like this i won't be good enough". even if you think it's true! we'll get to that later. first we want to just identify what you like and what freaks you out by using your feelings as a compass. don't worry about what love "is", just think about what you like/want and what you don't like/want.
here's some examples of things i've identified as repulsion triggers for myself. if my partner expects romance all the time but i can't do that cuz of aroflux, i feel like i have to force it, and that makes me feel trapped. pda makes me feel unsafe. i don't want to be perceived by others as "dating". if i don't have enough time by myself, i feel trapped. i don't want to live with my partner or share money or even share meals.
next. communication. the goal is to have an honest dialogue about what each of you wants and needs out of the relationship.
the things you identify as repulsion triggers, tell him what they are and explain what you think might need to be different for you to not feel that way. ask him how he feels about that. tell him you're still trying to figure this all out, but you'll let him know what you figure out as you go.
you said he deserves to be loved romantically all the time. in order to know if this is true, you have to know if it's actually important to him to be loved romantically all the time, or if he's fine with flux (genuinely fine, not secretly disappointed). it may take some work from him to figure this out. if he's not fine with flux, maybe there's something you could do during the flux that would make him feel more secure without making you feel uncomfortable. if you're both honest about what you want and need, you can figure it out together.
there is a chance it won't work out. for example, if living together is a really important element of what my partner wants out of a relationship, but it's really important to me that i don't live with my partner, then we have a compatibility issue and we're probably better off not being together. it's not their fault and it's not my fault. we aren't fighting or being mean. we are facing a hard reality together. at least we can say we tried our best to make it work. they DO deserve to be with someone who can live with them, and i also deserve to be with someone who is happy living apart.
it's HARD to figure out how you feel and it's SCARY to have this kind of dialogue. it takes practice and trust and a ton of courage to be vulnerable. you are brave and cool for putting the work in 😎
