Nov 25, 2023
#''this'' being collective grief. because tbvh it's the main reason I haven't written very much this year (but will slowly start to)#I write to remind myself I am lucky. I keep telling myself this but even now when I feel awful I am so lucky#I am lucky that none of these funerals have involved very close family members or friends of mine#and I am lucky to be living in conditions with the space to write and space to grieve#and space to come together to mourn with dignity while people not that far away from me are not receiving the same privilege rn#I am lucky my dad was with me today and I spent the evening chatting with him on the terrace I am lucky he is alive I am lucky I am lucky#(apologies if this sounds like a robot malfunctioning lmao writing is just how I process things)#(and apparently I just don't seem to feel like I have the right to feel bad about any of this anywhere except my st@r trek blog hehe)#anyway. To stay on theme I shall say something about Trills :D#I imagine loss and grief must register very differently to them. very Non Linearly in the literal sense but also a highly abstract one#even I feel this massive sense of time warp between all these funerals; and this chest-crushing distance between me and my friends#how do Trills even exist#how do they wake up every day remembering all those friends and children and parents who loved them and they loved and are gone now#and still function#how does Ezri feel walking around with memories of parents that aren't hers (but were soooo much better than hers) taking care of her#does she feel comforted by them? does it feel like the people in those memories were always comforting HER specifically?#does it even matter who it belonged to originally if a memory is HERS now?#does Ezri mourn for any parents of past hosts more than she knows she will mourn for her own mother one day?#does having all this lived experience bring her reassuring amounts of perspective for a 20-something or just overwhelm her all the more?#idk; but I hope she learns to take comfort in her past hosts' memories of family eventually...#(...again. I am going to write sooooo much fan fiction about this lmao)#cw death
