#amg46

It was utterly surreal, it was like my mind was a fucking blur until I was there. It was bitterly cold, and I didn’t even have the sense to put on a coat. I didn’t even have shoes to protect me from the cold wet pavement, rain pounding down on my uncovered skin. All I had on was a pair of leggings and a t-shirt. It was when I spotted his house that I kind of came to my senses. It was only then I realised where I was and what I was doing, the state I was in. It was only then I noticed the rain, only then I noticed my sodden hair and the fact my lack of clothes had just become like a second layer of skin. But there was no point turning back at that point, I had made the half an hour walk and there was no point turning around. Pain crippled the bottom of my feet as I made my way across the gravel on Harry’s driveway, wondering what on earth I was thinking and how I had ended up there without even being fully aware of it. A part of me was embarrassed, but then it was clearly what I really wanted. I needed to be there, I needed to see him. My first few knocks on the door were pathetic, my embarrassment clearly showing. I was also quite aware how late it was, finally, and a part of me didn’t really want to wake him. But then my need to be with him took over that, and I pounded on the door a little harder. When I got no response after a while, I thought of ringing him, but obviously my clouded mind had also forgotten my need for a phone. So, I continued to knock. A while passed before I spotted a dazed Harry walking down his stairs through the window, looking at me wide eyed in just his underwear. I could see the worry on his face through the misty windowpane that was splattered with water. It then occurred to me how stupid my being there was, I didn’t even want to think of the panic that would be cursing Harry in that moment as he unlocked the door. He pulled the door open quickly, looking down to me in a way that proved how much of a state I must have looked in that moment. I looked up through my lashes to him, not even sure what to say. “Anna! Holy fuck! Are you okay?” He grabbed hold of me, pulling me inside out of the cold and slamming the door behind us hurriedly. He then bent over so his eyes were level with mine, brushing some of my hair from my face, his eyes flickering over my features with such worry. I was shivering so much, I wanted to speak and say I was fine but I think I was just totally overwhelmed, I just stood staring back at him, still feeling dazed. “Anna? Are you okay?” He asked again. I nodded, and that was all I could give. He seemed confused, which wasn’t surprising given my state. He lowered his brows a little and continued to study me, but he soon calmed, because I think he realised that I really was okay. He took his time though, he looked me up and down and really paid attention to everything about me, making sure I was safe and unhurt. “Let’s get you warmed up.” He eventually mumbled. Before I had the chance to move for myself, Harry had taken me in his arms, grabbing me quickly so that I was cradled in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face to his collar, still shaking. He was strong and warm, and I felt no struggle from him as he carried me up the stairs, breathing calmly as he did. Even though he knew I was safe, I think he was still incredibly concerned about me, I could tell by the way he was attempting to stay so calm, the way he was caring for me and acting as though I had no strength. But to be honest, I think he was right. I sort of needed him in that moment, I needed to be carried and looked after. I’m still unsure why. I was placed back down on top of the toilet seat in his bathroom. I kept my head down, already feeling a little warmer. My skin was bright red and stinging, and I was automatically comforted as soon as I heard Harry turn on the hot water of his shower. I closed my eyes for a second, taking a deep breath in as I did. Harry moved so he was knelt down in front of me, once again looking me over a few times before he began his work. He grabbed at the bottom of my t-shirt and lifted it over my head, leaving my top half completely bare. The material was freezing, it felt like such a relief having it removed from me. Next, Harry removed my leggings, and soon I was naked, still sat on the toilet seat, still silent. He aided me to my feet, taking my hands in his and leading me over to the large shower. I stepped inside wearily, and I couldn’t even comprehend the release that washed me as the warm water replaced the particles of the cold. I breathed it in, stood with my head down, the water hitting hard through my hair as Harry removed his underwear, soon to join me. He stepped inside with me, there being more than enough room for the two of us to share the water. He pressed to my back, locking his arms around my waist and placing his head next to mine, hovering over my shoulder. A beautiful silence was shared between us as the water fell. I loved his cheek touching mine, I loved the feeling of him being held so close to me, how comfortable the silence was and how much I just appreciated being there with him. I had never felt so at home. Since my brother died, I had never really had the feeling of home. Somehow, out of nowhere, Harry was home for me. “I love you.” I whispered. He moved his head slightly, kissing at my neck sweetly, squeezing me a little tighter. It was such a serene moment for me, enchanted by an unfathomable warmth, and smothered with a happiness that felt frightening, but welcomed. “I love you too.” He told me.

He whispered my name to wake me. I grumbled, wriggling under the sheets as I opened my eyes and tried to get used to the light. He was already out of bed and dressed, which took me by surprise right away before I even noticed that his get-up wasn’t the usual casual outfits I’d seen him in. I knew he was going somewhere. Before he could say anything, I quickly threw myself forwards, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him to the bed. He chuckled heartily, landing on top of the sheets above me and holding me back. He kissed kindly at my cheek over and over again, his smile being felt upon my skin. It shocked me how quickly things seemed to have returned to normal, how everything felt so real and perfect again between us, even though there were still so many unanswered questions. His letter had spoken to me and confirmed things. And it’s not that it just resolved issues between us, he helped me battle my own demons, helped me to face things and take steps towards overcoming things that scared me. He had done all that, with a letter. And I loved him so much for it. He tried to pull away but I kept hold of him. “Where are you going?” I moaned. He finally pulled from me, sitting on the edge of the bed next to me. I pulled the duvet closer to me, not planning on leaving its warmth even if Harry wasn’t going to be around. “We have an interview today, I really need to get going.” He smiled slightly. I turned my head to the side to see it was only 8am, meaning we had both had next to no sleep since I banged on his door at such a ridiculous time in the morning. I really didn’t want him to go, I had kind of been expecting a morning of sleepy kisses and soft touches, so I was disappointed learning I wasn’t going to get that. “Do you have to?” I groaned. “Unfortunately, yeah.” He chuckled. “When will you be back?” I asked. “Early afternoon, hopefully.” I moved upright and quickly pushed my lips to his, tangling my fingers in the curls at the back of his head. I had a desperation when it came to Harry, in a way everything felt like it was a fresh new relationship again, like it was the beginning days of a hot, pristine romance, but there was already so much love and trust there. It was the most intense feeling I had ever experienced. As I pulled away I took his lip with me, biting it and then slowly releasing it. Harry tried to talk but just ended up mumbling, clearly heated by our kiss. “Hm, umm. Hmm.” “You okay?” I asked cheekily, biting my bottom lip. “You’ll be the death of me, woman.” I giggled, kissing him again, but not so heated this time round. I loved the fire we shared, that undeniable heat and passion, that just didn’t seem to fade. “I’ll be running home, Honey. Trust me.” He breathed. “Good.” He licked his lips, looking as though he was thinking something over in his head as he glanced downwards. I knew something was on his mind. “You okay?” I asked. “You should watch the interview.” He looked me in the eye. “Um… okay? What time and channel?” “Channel three, half nine.” He nodded. I wasn’t sure why he wanted me to watch, I just thought maybe he wanted me to see him at work, since I never really had other than the show I went to see. It was something we’d kept separate from our relationship as much as we could. So of course I agreed, of course I wanted to show an interest in what he did for a living, what he loved doing. He moved in and kissed me again, this time sweetly, a nice little goodbye kiss. “I’ll see you soon.” He smiled.

For some reason, I had come to the decision that 9.30am was the perfect time to start tucking into a tub of ice-cream. I sat with a duvet covering me on the sofa, looking ahead to the TV as they introduced the boys in a typical manner, showing lots of footage of screaming fans, and clips of them getting bigger and better whilst mentioning all the records they had broken and suchlike. I was quite excited, sat with a spoon dangling from my mouth as I swayed along with Best Song Ever which was playing in the background of their introduction. At first, I wondered why I hadn’t really watched any of his interviews or anything before, then I realised it was because I never saw him like that. He was always just Harry, some boy I had met and then started sleeping with. That’s just how I saw him. If it wasn’t for this whole fucked up situation with his management, I think a lot of the time it would be possible I would just totally forget his actual situation. He was just Harry. Maybe that was one of the reasons I felt like I could start things with him again, even though his fame and his job was one of the reasons we’d had to part in the first place. The introduction ended and then there they were, the five boys all sat in a line, smiling towards the woman interviewing them. I cheered to myself, pumping my fist in the air for them. They all looked really happy, which I liked. It felt absolutely surreal seeing them on a screen, that wasn’t how I had got to know the boys at all. I also liked that I could just tell right away that they had to behave themselves. They were a bit gritty in real life, all of them. Seeing them on morning TV all groomed and acting proper amused me. I sat eating away at the tub as the interview began, which first focused on their recent success at The Brits, and the fact they had been getting much more positive feedback from their recent work, and it was all going really nicely. Then of course, they moved onto personal question, because they were apparently more important than what the boys actually did for a living and why they were famous. Apparently who they were dating is more important than that. I rolled my eyes as they asked Zayn about Perrie and the wedding. He told them it was just around the corner, but he wasn’t giving them any more information than that. Zayn was quite a private chap, and I could just see in his eyes he didn’t appreciate them trying to force facts from him. But he stood his ground. “Good lad.” I muttered to myself. Next was Liam, who was slightly more open, but still not too much. Then Louis, who gave them absolutely fuck all, there was no point even trying. Niall just bounced off the question, he had nothing to say about the matter, still single and loving it. And then... Harry. I couldn’t understand why there seemed to be more of an interest in Harry when it came to the band, why the media had such a weird fascination with him and why his life was so interesting to them. But it was. My stomach dropped a bit as they finished asking Niall, and I knew what was coming. “And finally Harry. How are things going with Grace?” The woman asked him. So that was the name I had blocked from my mind. Harry leaned forward, almost like he was preparing himself. Shit. “What do you mean?” He asked mellowly. “Your girlfriend? Grace?” She asked him, seemingly confused. “Oh. She’s not my girlfriend.” He said firmly, shrugging it off. The rest of the boys faces just dropped, and so did mine. I placed the tub down on the floor and leaned in closer to the tele, my mouth dropped and my eyes wide as I watched Harry sit there and just smile to the woman, like he hadn’t said anything even remotely worth noting down. Louis pinched at the bridge of his nose, and I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of how hard management tried to control their lives and what they said, but they could never control their bodies automatic reactions to things. That was something we could all see, and very clearly. ”Oh, I’m sorry.” She flicked through her notes frantically. “We-we thought you guys were an item?” “No, we’re not. That’s an exclusive there for you, if anyone cares.” He shrugged. The topic ended as quickly as that, the interviewer trying to brush past the moment as quickly as she could. I had no idea what to think, all that kept playing in my mind was how much management were going to kill him, but what could they do? He had just said it on live TV, there was no going back. I also couldn’t help but question what Grace would make of the whole thing, if he’d spoken to her, or if this would be a shock to her like it was to everyone else. All I knew was that Harry had just made a very risky move doing what he did. But fuck, it made me smile.