#ameliagracesmith

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I had extremely bad morning sickness...like really really bad! I spent a lot of my time with my head in the toilet, and this lasted for about 4/5 months!

I started to get really annoyed with it because so many people kept telling me to “just enjoy your pregnancy, it’s over before you know it” and while I knew that was true, I didn’t need to hear it constantly when I couldn’t help being sick.

It had started to annoy me, more than anyone else, mostly because I kept having to take time off of work because I couldn’t keep my head out of the toilet...fun times... I think my boss felt like I was taking the piss a wee bit, but I really wasn’t, I physically couldn’t stand half the time and felt like I was going to keel over! I was coming into work and my boss was taking one look at me then sending me home!

Around 7 weeks of my pregnancy I began to bleed. This was THE most terrifying day of my life to date at that time! I remember being at the toilet, wiping and seeing the blood...I froze...I didn’t know what to do or say, I felt as though I was going to pass out right there!

I quickly gathered myself up and headed down to my work station, fighting back the tears, I began to chop the peppers I’d been assigned to, eyes stinging from holding the tears back, one of the older women I worked with asked if I was okay “no I don’t think so” I said to her and she asked what was wrong, I told her about the bleeding and how I was scared, she asked me if I wanted her to tell Ricky (our supervisor) I didn’t feel comfortable telling him so I said yeah. She came back and told me to go straight to Oonagh (our boss lady) so off I went to tell her, she told me to go straight to the hospital and not to worry about work! 

So I got let out of work, I went home and rang Thomas instantly. 

Voicemail. 

I rang him again... 

Voicemail...again! 

At this point I had worked myself up so much I was starting to hyperventilate. I tried him on more time, still no answer so I rang his work and asked for him to be put on the phone. “Thomas, I need you to take me to the hospital, now!” “Why, what’s wrong?!” I could hear the panic in his voice “I’m bleeding and I’m terrified” I said to him between sobs. He hung up and I lay on the floor, feeling like my world was falling down around me, body convulsing from the sobs...how could I love something so tiny so much? 

I was terrified laying there waiting on Thomas to come and take me to the hospital, I didn’t know what to do and I had never been more scared, the tears were now a constant stream down my face and neck, dripping onto my top, plop...plop...plop... they hit my phone in my hand. My heart was breaking the whole way to the hospital. 

We arrived and the triage nurse took me in and did my bloods, now let me tell you, I had my bloods taken more times while I was pregnant than I ever have in my life prior to this! She did a few other tests and hooked me up to a few machines...she sent me over to the main building of the hospital for a scan to see if they could find a heart beat because I wasn’t far enough along to be able to pick it up with the trace. 

The appointment wasn’t until half past 2 that afternoon and it was only 10 O'clock in the morning. So there was a lot of worrying and waiting. Thomas kept brushing the hair of my face and trying to comfort me, reassuring me that everything would be okay. 

The time came for the scan and the nurse squeezed that cold jelly I came to hate, on my tummy, she began to press into my belly with the doofer thingy...they couldn’t find a heartbeat...naturally I began to panic, the tears started again and I squeezed Thomas’s hand, far too tight I’m sure...

The nurse moved the doofer about a little more... THERE IT WAS! 

A tiny heartbeat, so loud! So constant, that was my little baby, that I had so much love for already...even though it probably looked more like an alien than an actual baby at this point!

Relief flooded through my body a the speed of light, I felt like I had been given the gas and air already, I was on cloud 9, no one could have brought me down after that! To this day I will never, ever forget that sound or hearing it for the first time! It was amazing! I was already so in awe of what my body was doing, and could potentially achieve. 

As the weeks began to fly past my bump became ever more predominant, I was beginning to have a pregnancy waddle! As I came into work one of these mornings, at 6am,I was already exhausted from being up most of the night with morning sickness (which by the way, is a myth, it hits at EVERY hour of the day!). 

Ricky slammed down in front of me a list of things he wanted completed for 8 O’clock in the morning, he wanted myself and another girl to have a ridiculous amount of things done in a really short time frame. We both knew it wasn’t going to happen. 

Around half 9 and one of the other girls said something that had all of us in a wrinkle, laughing. “Are you finished over there, cause there’s an awful lot of laughter coming from you lot!” Ricky shouted from inside the fridge, he came out and goes “well, are you done?!” I said no, we’re not done, he goes “well then pull your fucking fingers out cause it’s now half 9 and I wanted this done and on the shop floor by 8!” So on we continued. 

A quarter to ten rolls around and the rest of the girls start to head off on their break, I started to untie my apron “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?!” Ricky roared at me “On my break” I said back to him, I was not a bit impressed at this point, not only had I been in there from 6 in the morning I felt like I was about to pass out “You’re not finished, you’re not going anywhere!” He continued to roar at me. I replied rather swiftly “Rick, it’s almost 10 o'clock, I have been here since 6, I’m hungry and pregnant, I need to fucking eat so I’m going on my break!”his reply made my blood boil and I don’t think I have ever been more furious at someone in my life “I couldn’t give a fuck if you're pregnant or not, when I tell you to do something I expect you to do it!” So I took of my apron and chucked it down in front of him, “It’s like this Ricky, I owe you nothing, and you can bet your arse, the life of my unborn child means more to me than having enough melon and strawberries on the shelf, I’m going on my break” I said and walked towards the  door “That’s alright, but when Oliver comes shouting at me about the shelf not being fully stocked I’ll send him to you!” “Send him my way, I’ll be sure to inform him about the gross misconduct and neglect of a pregnant staff member, by that of a supervisor” I shouted back to him as I walked out the door. 

As the time continued even further, and my tummy swelled even more, we were drawing close to our 20 week scan, and we could not be more excited! We were going to find out if I was cooking a little peaky blinder or a teeny Disney princess! As the day for the scan came ever closer I started to panic, what if the baby had an extra limb or a missing eye? Could they even see that on a scan? I was so nervous, I felt like I was going to be sick, and this time not due to morning sickness! 

We pulled up to the hospital and I had my green notes all ready to go, we headed in through the door, Thomas was exited and I was nervous, we were  about to find out what our little squish was! In the waiting room, I gave the nurse  my pee, got bloods done, more bloods done, blood pressure and now waiting...waiting...and a bit more waiting “Dah-Nah co-vill” Why could no one ever pronounce my name I remember thinking to myself as I walked towards the nurse who was going to do my scan!

Into the room, hop on the bed, jelly on, and there it was the familiar kicks I got every time went for a scan, little squish hated the jelly too!The nurse did all of the measurements, she had zoomed right in so wee could see if all four chambers of the heart had developed properly... it was perfect, wee could see the tiny fluttering of the heart beating, she even let us listen to it...whoosh whoosh whoosh, such a fast beat for such a tiny body! The nurse zoomed out a little and I couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing, I couldn’t see the baby’s head or limbs I was really confused and all that was going through my head was Rachel from friends in the scene where she cant see Emily! 

Tears began to fill in my eyes as I looked at Thomas and said I couldn’t see a baby! “Dana, it’s okay, look” he said pointing towards the screen, and there it was, a perfect little image of a baby! The nurse hadn’t fully zoomed out so what I had seen was in fact, the whole heart rather than the individual sections. I still couldn’t quite believe that this little human was growing inside me! Just as I was thinking this, I got several big kicks, from the tiny baby in my belly, whatever I was having, was clearly having fun! My eyes started to well up again, I was so happy, in that moment, nothing could have turned my mood. 

“Would you like to know the gender?” the nurse asked before she examined the lower half of the baby. “Yes, of course!” I said without hesitating! The nurse hovered over the middle of the baby, poking and prodding for a while, little squish was being rather difficult, which was preemptive alright! “You’re having a little GIRL” The words I will never forget hearing, we had found out what our first little baby was going to be! I was so nervous before hand and now everything just seemed to have fallen into place! I was so bloody happy! 

I was convinced she was going to be a boy, but I had really, REALLY wanted a girl, for the obvious reasons, to have a little mini me! “Are you happy it’s a girl?” I remember asking Thomas, “Dana, of course I am, I don’t care what it is, as long as it’s healthy!” He reassured me. I knew in that moment, this was, without a doubt the person I wanted to raise a family with. 

Walking out of the hospital that day, I was so full of pride and love, at what my body was currently achieving, and in how far Thomas and I had come, from when we first met! We were actually starting a family together, something we had both dreamed of and wondered about for years! That day, was a good day!

To this day I have never seen a clearer scan photo, but this, was our little princess in the making and boy were we excited to meet her! 

I’m going to finish this post hear, and do my pregnancy in two parts, other wise we’ll be here for the next year reading one post! Writing this part of my pregnancy has been both fun and an eye opener, I really hope you enjoy reading about it! 

All my love, 

So with this post, I’m going to tell you about finding out I was pregnant... this will be a long post, so for those of you this doesn’t interest, I’m sorry!

The day I found out I was pregnant I was at work, I work in my local shop, we sell fresh made food and at the time I worked in the back kitchen where the food is prepared.

I remember feeling really funny, like I had a little niggling in my lower abdomen, I kept putting the thought aside because there was no way I could be pregnant, I was on the pill, and taking it religiously.

At the time, my shifts were 6am-3pm. I decided to go over to Ballymena ( a town near where I live) to do some retail therapy, but as 3 o’clock drew near I started to feel queasy, the niggling was still there.

I got on the bus at a quarter past 4, I arrived at a quarter to 5 and the niggling was still there. I decided to go and get a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease, cause there was no way I could be pregnant... right?

I bought the test and took it to the toilet in my fav coffee shop. Hands shaking, I peed on the stick, put the lid on, turned it over and set it on the sink. I’m sat there in a toilet in costa, knickers round my ankles feeling like I’m about to throw the fuck up... “at least you're in the right place” I remember thinking to myself.

I could HEAR the blood pumping round my head as I picked up the test and turned it over...and there it was, the faintest blue line I’ve ever seen in my life, so faint that I questioned if it was even real, it looked like a negative test, one where you could kinda see the line because it’s always there, but slightly stronger.

“I’m a mummy...” I kept murmuring to myself, but it didn’t feel real. I felt sick to the stomach. I picked up my phone and rang my best friend... “hello...are you busy? I’m in costa, can you come and meet me?” “No I’m not busy, are you okay?” “I don’t know, I just need you to come and get me” “Okay, I’ll be there in five” she hung up the phone.

So I’m outside pacing back and forward in the car park waiting or her to pick me up... How on earth was I going to tel her about this? She had only just gone through the same thing, she just found out she was pregnant too a few weeks ago! 

She pulled up beside me and I jumped in the car “Niamh, I think I’m pregnant” I said to her, and her reaction, her face, her actions everything about this human, I loved! She was so happy for me, But I still couldn’t quite believe it! I had 3 other pregnancy tests in my bag that I was going to take.  quick text to Thomas “I’m going to Niamh’s she’ll bring me home, you don’t need to lift me” 

We got to hers and I still didn’t have to pee! Trust this to be the one time my tiny bladder doesn't need to empty itself every five minutes! 

 After about 3 cups of tea n a lot of chat about the future possibilities for the two of us with our little bubbas, I FINALLY had to pee again. 

In I went, Peed on the stick, you know the process, waiting and a lot more chat about what was to come. 

I turned it over. 

There it was. 

The blue line. Clear as day. 

I was pregnant. 

I was going to be a mummy! 

Niamh grabbed hold of me and we started to jump around her sitting room! “YOU’RE GOING TO BE SUCH AN AMAZING MUMMY!” She shouted as we collapsed in a pile of legs and limbs. I had this amazing person by my side to go through it all with me, I knew I was going to be okay! 

In the car the whole way home I tried to form how I was going to tell Thomas, the love of my life, the daddy of our baby, that I was growing inn my belly! The words would not come to me so eventually I gave up and just sat quietly waiting o get to my little flat. 

When we got in I took my shoes off (it’s a rule in my house). I went into the spare room and Niamh went into the kitchen to put the kettle on. “Thomas can you com here a minute”  shouted down the hall to hie “Yeah?” he said confused as ever as he came into the room “what’s wrong?”  I took out the pregnancy test and showed it to him “Is that hers” he said taking about Niamh. “Why would I be showing you her pregnancy test?” I’m looking at him like mate the fuck? “He looked at me and goes “Are you serious?!” he said really shocked sounding “I would never Joke about this!” I said to him. He pulled me into him and hugged me so tight I genuinely thought he was going to squish the baby! “I love you so much...the both of you!” He whispered through a tear... and I don’ think he’s ever meant something more in his life! 

We went up to the sitting room where Niamh was, “Did you tell him?!” “Look at the grin on his face...of course I told him!” I turned to look at Thomas, and asked him if he was happy? “Of course I am!” he said as he pulled me in to cuddle me again!   

This is one of the only times Niamh has been on hand with a camera when it was necessary but I am so glad she caught this moment, it’s one I will cherish for the rest of my life! We were so excited about the adventure that we were about to set out on... and by fuck was it an adventure and a half! 

If you have made it to the end of this post without clicking off, then thank you! I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing! 

In my next post we’ll take a look at my pregnancy, the good the bad and the down right ugly! 

all my love,