Mummy To Amelia

To all the mums that say their pregnancy was amazing...you’re lying! 

The second half of my pregnancy was by far the worst... both physically and mentally! Why did women do this to themselves, on purpose?! I used to ask myself a lot while I was struggling to put on my own socks by myself! 

I was now at the point of pregnancy where my tummy, now resembled a large beach ball, doing anything from putting on socks to getting up the stairs to go for a pee was an Olympic sport, that I think I deserved a gold medal for! 

At the beginning of the second half of my pregnancy, I hit the “oh shit” phase, it had started to hit me, the magnitude of the situation I was in, in not too long I would be actually pushing a whole ass body out of my hooha...I was less than excited about this bit, to say the least! 

In the middle of prepping and planning, worrying and wondering, I was also going through, what proved to be THE WORST break up of my life. Now I’m not talking about breaking up with my partner, I think I would have been able to handle that better than this. I’m talking about a best friend break up, and if any of you have ever gone through that, you’ll know what I mean when I say, that shit hurts a million times more than a romantic breakup! 

I had woken up one morning and I can’t remember now what I had wanted to tell her, but I assume it was something funny, I tried to contact her through snapchat, which was what we spoke on most of the time... ‘pending, the username, that I won’t include for privacy reasons, will receive your snap when they add you as a friend’ “what?” I remember thinking to myself, has she made a new sc and deleted this one? So I went to Facebook instead and tried to send her a message...she had deleted me there too. At this point I was really confused and as I wasn’t blocked I could still send her a message, and so I did, venting how angry and frustrated I was about the situation. 

I know we had drifted in the months leading up to this, but I genuinely didn’t think it was so bad that she had to cut me out of her life totally. The message I then received in return broke my heart, I read and read and re read what she had said over and over and over...trying to make sense of it. She was hurt by something I could see that, but I got no warning. No text. Nothing. She just cut me out without an explanation. I felt as though someone was stabbing me in the heart. My head was spinning and my tummy was doing flips...was I really about to loose someone that I put so much of my love into? My hands were shaking and I could barley hold my phone steady, tears splashing onto my phone screen “I can’t loose someone else, not right now, not like this, please don’t do this to me Niamh” I remember sobbing into my knees, trying to find a way around it in my head. What had I done? Why was this necessary, up until this point, I really hadn’t done anything wrong. I was totally devastated. 

A little bit of background is needed here, this girl, aside from my boyfriend, was my life. We were like sticky plasters from the day and hour we met, we did pretty much everything together, down to being pregnant at the same time. One of us got a hair cut, so did the other. One dyed their hair, so did the other. Tea dates. Nights out. Days in. The love I had then, and still have for her now, is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. People say you can find a soul mate in friends as well as lovers. She is the other half of my soul in another body! 

Head still reeling from the message I just received, I reacted...badly, out of anger, out of spite and pure frustration. I said things to her that I am not proud of and that I doubt I will ever forgive myself for, and although they weren’t nice, it was coming from a place of deep hurt. I’m not going to copy and paste the he said she said here, as those discussions are between the two of us, and I have since come to realise, not everything needs to be shared. She had broken my heart in a way I never imagined anyone could, and if I’m honest I wanted her to feel what I was feeling. Looking back on it now, it was childish and ridiculously immature... but that is how I felt in the moment. 

As the days went on, and time continued, every time I did something, I lifted my phone to tell her, and it was in those moments, that it hit me how much I had lost...every time I saw something funny and went to tag her and realised all over again she had blocked me, each time was like a fresh stabbing. Every new milestone I hit with my pregnancy, all I wanted to do was to tell her. I so badly wanted her to continue to be a part of my life. It was so hard to picture my life without her, now that we had grown so close. But that was what I had to do, for almost two years. 

I found myself scrolling through all of our photos and crying, I did a lot of crying in those first few months of trying to come to terms with everything, I found it super hard, trying to imagine my life without this girl. We had so many plans, for our future for our babies, just in general, and it had all been wiped away within minutes. It’s hard trying to find ways around talking to the only person you actually spoke to every day, I found myself being really bored and asking a lot of what if’s or why’s. 

As time went on, I gradually got to an okay place, I was feeling good, I had learned to let her go, and although I missed her, although I desperately missed the companionship, of the only other person that got me, I was getting used to not being someone she loved anymore (Lewis Capaldi eat your heart out). 

Flash forward to where I am now, and time has moved on, rapidly, and I can now say after a long break, Niamh and I are finally getting back to where we used to be. We have both accepted that our lives are totally different now and nothing will ever be the same. We are getting there. We planned a coffee date, a chance to air everything out and to make amends in person. She had gone to toilet in the food court, she’d texted me so I walked towards it and ended up running straight into her! We awkward chatted for about 5 minutes as we walked towards costa, my fav location, and ironically the place I found out I was pregnant, I had so many good memories of this place, with this girl. We ordered our drinks and sat down...I felt so nervous. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach, I actually felt the way I did the first time Thomas and I met up! Then she started to speak to me, about Emily, and her life, how she was getting on and how much had changed, and then proceeded to spill her tea over the table...I could feel the smile stretch across my face, this was exactly the same girl, she hadn’t changed and I still loved her like she was my own sister, all of the nervousness faded away and we chatted for what seemed like forever. 

As She drove me home I couldn’t help but remember the last time she did this, I was telling her about being pregnant. SO much has changed since then but yet we were still the same people...two halves of a whole idiot! She came in for a cuppa. I got Amelia back from her nanny, she got to meet my daughter and our little babies played together... in that moment my heart was so happy, I had my soul mate back and was I fuck giving her up for anything! 

Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, I developed what’s known as Cholestasis, which for the simple minded like myself, is a liver dysfunction, in which all the toxins that should be taken out of my body are pumped back into it... potentially causing harm to the baby! 

It took many...MANY, visits to both A&E and foetal assessment, trying different antihistamines and steroid creams before they finally decided I needed to be induced. I was sat in the consultants room as he was out speaking with medical professionals I assume. I thought I was only there to receive the results of yet another set of bloods. The doctor came back in and was like “Yes, so you’ll be induced on Saturday.” SATURDAY?! As in THREE days from now?! In that moment I have  never shit myself more! We still had 2 weeks left before she was due! I only thought I was ready for her arrival at this point! I remember walking out to the corridor trembling, we would have our little baby in our arms this time next week, this time four days even! I didn't know if I was nervous, excited or shitting myself...probably all 3 tbh! 

If you have ever done a plank in your life, you will know how long a minute is...imagine the wait, for those final 3 days, when I knew I would have my little baby! I was never particularly nervous about my labour, as I was very much of the mindset, as long as I get an epidural, I don’t exactly have a plan...whatever happens, happens. I hadn’t ever really allowed myself to think about it, and in hindsight I’m glad I looked at it that way because I think it made my labour pretty successful (minus a few minor things). 

The day before I was due to be induced the joiners had just finished putting the tiles on our brand new kitchen ( that’s a story in itself). So that night Thomas’s mum, sisters, aunty and cousin came round to help give it a clean down from all the dust they left behind. They helped organise the cupboards and put everything back into place, I say they helped, I didn't actually do anything I watched as they all bustled about our home helping organise it for me.

That night I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turned till around 4am. Realising I wasn’t going to get much sleep, either due to nerves or excitement I came down stairs and did what I always do when I can’t settle myself...put the kettle on! Dressing gown on. Tea in hand, I sat on the sofa and decided I was going to knit a hat. Hayley ( Thomas’s sister) and I had spent much of the evening before trying to figure out how to do a purl stitch and neither of us could get it right and I was determined to do it! So that’s what I did, the night before I went in to have my baby, I knitted a tiny hat, that wouldn’t fit much more than a dolls head! 

The Saturday that I got induced rolled around after so much waiting and anticipation, by myself, Thomas and his family! They were excited I was straight bricking it at this point. We had the baby’s bag packed, we had my hospital bag packed, filled with all the things that I was told I would definitely need...which I definitely did not need! Everything was loaded into the car, myself included, and off we set for the hospital. It was weird knowing that the next time I was in my house, I would be carrying a tiny baby! 

We arrived at 8am, and I got signed it, they did all of their checks on me and then attached the trace...again! They had to monitor the baby for half an hour before they could administer the pessary. So Thomas and I sat and discussed what our life would be like when we got home, how scary giving birth was going to be and how excited, but also terrified we were to be raising a mini us! Half past 8 came round pretty quick and the nurse came back and ran me through how an induction works. First the pessary will be inserted, to loosen the cervix, and hopefully contractions start on their own, if not I will need to be put on a drip to help it along, but the main goal was to try make my body go into labour by itself. 

She left and asked me to take the bottom half of my clothes off so she could insert the pessary. It was quite uncomfortable to be done, but it wasn’t sore, just a lil awkward to have a random person poking about in your hooha! I’d say it took little more than a few minutes to put in, and then it was just waiting after that...a whole lot of waiting. Around lunch time Hayley and Hannah came to visit me to see how I was getting on and it was good because it meant I could walk about. They were both so excited that the baby would be here so soon! I had to get the trace put on every 2 hours for half an hour to monitor if anything was happening, so I had to head back to the ward for them to do that. 

Later on that evening Thomas’s mum, other sister, aunty and Edie came in to see me and just chat, hoping for the best. By this stage I was getting a wee bit fed up waiting and nothing was happening. It was uncomfortable to walk and sitting down was quite sore because of the nurse’s poking about so I decided to back to the ward and try to sleep for a little bit, I knew I wasn’t going to get much sleep through the process of labour so I thought trying to now, would be my best bet. I didn’t think I had slept long but I guess I must have because the next time I saw a clock it was around half 10 and Thomas was getting ready to head home, he had to go at 11 unfortunately. So I said goodbye to him and told him he better answer his phone if I go into labour, and so he left. 

Around half 11 the tale of the pessary had fallen out and when I went to pee the whole thing fell out so I said to the midwife who was now on at the time, her name was Laura and she was so lovely! So she told me to ay down that she would need to put another one in. So I did, and this time it was painful, kind of like a sharp shooting pain, but it didn’t last for any more than a few minutes. Laura told me that I shouldn't have been able to feel the pessary at all, nor should I have been able to see it, which meant that it wasn’t inserted correctly the first time. She asked me how I was feeling and if I had a birth plan that I would like her to follow, and I told her as long as I have an epidural and can get the baby out, I would be fine. She showed me were the nurse button was on the wall if anything happened and to call her straight away. 

So I lay down to watched Netflix, waiting for something to happen. About an hour passed and I began to feel little cramps which I just assumed were the baby moving about, I was hit by a massive urge to pee, so I waddled to the toilet, and this was THE most painful pee I think I have ever had! By this point I had changed into the night dress I wanted to give birth in because I knew it was comfy and I wasn't going to be too restricted in it. 

On my return to my bed, I began to get shooting pains, that I was later told was in fact contractions, I had just assumed they would be extremely painful from the start so I didn't think much of it. I began to pace back and forward on the ward, and as I was the only one there I had the space to do it. The contractions became more frequent as I could only get halfway down the ward before another one hit, so I tried to bounce on the ball I had been given, to which I found I couldn't even sit down. I instead tried to lie on the bed and that was even worse, this went on for about an hour of me trying to find a way to be comfortable that wasn’t painful. Eventually I gave in and pressed the nurse button. By this point I was almost in tears, the contractions were getting really painful. 

Laura came to me and offered me pain killers and I said to give it half an hour and if they don’t do anything to press the button again. So up an down I paced for half an hour, not even making it half way down the ward before a contraction hit. When it got to the point that I couldn’t stand up straight, I hit the button again and Laura came down to me. She asked me to get onto the bed so that she could examine me, through tears I was saying I couldn’t do it, it was too painful, she offered me the gas and air and said that I had to get on the bed cause she needed to examine how far along I was. I knew the gas was going to make me feel sick, but I also knew I had to see how far I was, so I took the gas, and it hit, instantly. My whole body relaxed and Laura was able to examine me fairly quickly, she was fit to tell me that I was 4cm, “You’re about 4cm along, I will need to go and get the delivery room ready for you.” All I could think about was stopping myself from being sick, Laura headed up the ward to get my labour suit ready and I waddled as fast as I could to the bathroom and threw up, as I knew I would with the gas, but after that I was fine with it, I came back to the bed and sat puffing away at the gas until Laura came back. 

At this point I had totally forgotten to ring Thomas, so when Laura came back she helped me off the bed and aske if I wanted to ring him to get him to come in. So I rang him...voicemail “ Why do you never answer when it’s important” I remember saying to the phone, I rang him again and this time he did answer “It’s happening, I’m 4cm gone they're taking me to the delivery room, you need to come in now!” I said to him “Omg, okay, I’ll be as quick as I can!” I hung up, and Laura helped me waddle just down the hall to the delivery suit. 

After what seemed like 3 seconds, but was actually about 20 minutes, I heard Thomas come into the delivery room, I had to turn to look at him as I was leaning over the bed backwards trying to be comfortable with just the gas. Laura said to me “Do you want to face the other way while I examine you? It might be easier that way?” all I could do was nod, so she helped me manoeuvre round, to a semi comfortable position. “ Oh my, you’re 6cm now! Almost time to push!” to which I responded with, “Can I have an epidural now, I don’t want to feel any of it!” Laura reassured me that I was going to have one, I just needed to wait on the results of my bloods coming back first and that it would only take half an hour. This was at 2am, the bloods in fact took 3 hours to come back and by the time they did I was at 8cm, but it felt like minutes had passed. 

The anaesthetist came in and ran me through all of the safety precautions he had to take before administering the epidural, most of which I really wasn’t listening to all I heard was “ if you move while I do it, you could end up paralysed” He then gave me anaesthetic to numb where he was putting the big fuck off needle and before I knew it, it was done. I was convinced that it hadn’t worked and that it needed to be stronger because I could still feel the sensation of the contraction, which I thought at the time was pain. Laura filled a glove with cold water and was patting it on my legs saying “Can you feel this?” I was saying “Yeah I can, I think I need more of the epidural!” she patted my legs a few times asking the same question, and I had the same response each time. Then she touched my face with the glove and I gasped, it was FREEZING “Okay maybe the epidural is working!” I said and Thomas laughed! 

Time seemed to just disappear in that room, before I knew what was going on it was half 6 and Laura was breaking my waters, which was the weirdest feeling I think I’ve ever had! It felt like I had peed myself and I could feel the sensation of it but not quite the warmth. After that Laura told me she could see the head and all I had to do was push, and that with my next contraction I should push for as long and as hard as I could. 

I could feel the contraction coming so I breathed in the gas and pushed as hard as I could, to the point where I could see white spots in front of my eyes and I could feel the water I had been drinking rise up, I was going to be sick, so I had to stop. With every contraction the same thing happened and I was getting really frustrated, every time the baby’s head was almost out, I stopped pushing because I was nearly sick. “Com on, you an do it, push, push, push!” Laura kept saying to me, eventually I shouted back at her “you’re not listening to me I can’t do this, I literally cant I’m going to be sick!” At this point the baby’s heart rate started to drop and my blood pressure sky rocketed. “The only other thing we can do is give you an episiotomy to help get the head out, is that okay with you?” I remember saying to her “I don’t care what you have to do, just get this baby out of me!” So local anaesthetic was administered and Laura said to me “ I’m going to give you the cut with your next contraction, don’t push with this one, you shouldn’t feel the cut okay?” She wasn’t lying, with the next contraction she did the cut and I didn't feel it at all. As that contraction passed Laura kept speaking to me “Okay, with this next one I’m going to need you to push as hard as you can, for as long as you can, okay?” “okay” I remember saying to her. The contraction came and I went to push but before I could the baby’s head popped out, “We’re going to deliver the baby onto your chest are you okay with that?” Laura asked me “Yeah that’s okay” I heard myself say as the next contraction began and I started to push, the rest of the body just slid straight out, and she was placed onto my chest. 

As I lay there holding her, I can’t tell you what the rest of the room was doing because I couldn’t hear or see them, I began to cry, the happiest tears of my life. All I can remember saying was “can I keep her, am I allowed to keep her.” My heart swelled so much with the love I had for this tiny baby and as I looked at Thomas, I could see the tear and how happy he was at seeing his baby girl! 

The midwife took her to weigh her and clean her while I delivered my placenta. Thomas got to hold her for the first time, and he gave her, her first feed! I could tell he was so proud as I lay and watched them while my stitches were being sown up. I don’t remember much of the rest of my time in that room, I think I was still high form the gas and air. 

This is Amelia Grace Smith the minute she was born. 

As I was wheeled down the hall onto the ward, Thomas’s whole family was there and they were so excited to see her! The nurses told me they had never seen a gathering like it and how happy they were for us nearly made them cry. 

She was born at 7:22am on the Sunday morning, weighing 6lb 11oz, measuring at 52cm long. 

She was then and still is now (9 months on) the absolute light of my life! This is her now, at 9 months, happy healthy and as you can see, really enjoying her biscuits! 

Well, there you have it. The good, the bad and the truly ugly side of pregnancy. This post has been extremely long and if you made it this far, well done! It has been a journey and a half writing this post and it has taken me quite some time to finish it, reliving these memories was quite emotional. 

Thanks for taking the time to read, all my love 

                                                                     Dana  

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I had extremely bad morning sickness...like really really bad! I spent a lot of my time with my head in the toilet, and this lasted for about 4/5 months!

I started to get really annoyed with it because so many people kept telling me to “just enjoy your pregnancy, it’s over before you know it” and while I knew that was true, I didn’t need to hear it constantly when I couldn’t help being sick.

It had started to annoy me, more than anyone else, mostly because I kept having to take time off of work because I couldn’t keep my head out of the toilet...fun times... I think my boss felt like I was taking the piss a wee bit, but I really wasn’t, I physically couldn’t stand half the time and felt like I was going to keel over! I was coming into work and my boss was taking one look at me then sending me home!

Around 7 weeks of my pregnancy I began to bleed. This was THE most terrifying day of my life to date at that time! I remember being at the toilet, wiping and seeing the blood...I froze...I didn’t know what to do or say, I felt as though I was going to pass out right there!

I quickly gathered myself up and headed down to my work station, fighting back the tears, I began to chop the peppers I’d been assigned to, eyes stinging from holding the tears back, one of the older women I worked with asked if I was okay “no I don’t think so” I said to her and she asked what was wrong, I told her about the bleeding and how I was scared, she asked me if I wanted her to tell Ricky (our supervisor) I didn’t feel comfortable telling him so I said yeah. She came back and told me to go straight to Oonagh (our boss lady) so off I went to tell her, she told me to go straight to the hospital and not to worry about work! 

So I got let out of work, I went home and rang Thomas instantly. 

Voicemail. 

I rang him again... 

Voicemail...again! 

At this point I had worked myself up so much I was starting to hyperventilate. I tried him on more time, still no answer so I rang his work and asked for him to be put on the phone. “Thomas, I need you to take me to the hospital, now!” “Why, what’s wrong?!” I could hear the panic in his voice “I’m bleeding and I’m terrified” I said to him between sobs. He hung up and I lay on the floor, feeling like my world was falling down around me, body convulsing from the sobs...how could I love something so tiny so much? 

I was terrified laying there waiting on Thomas to come and take me to the hospital, I didn’t know what to do and I had never been more scared, the tears were now a constant stream down my face and neck, dripping onto my top, plop...plop...plop... they hit my phone in my hand. My heart was breaking the whole way to the hospital. 

We arrived and the triage nurse took me in and did my bloods, now let me tell you, I had my bloods taken more times while I was pregnant than I ever have in my life prior to this! She did a few other tests and hooked me up to a few machines...she sent me over to the main building of the hospital for a scan to see if they could find a heart beat because I wasn’t far enough along to be able to pick it up with the trace. 

The appointment wasn’t until half past 2 that afternoon and it was only 10 O'clock in the morning. So there was a lot of worrying and waiting. Thomas kept brushing the hair of my face and trying to comfort me, reassuring me that everything would be okay. 

The time came for the scan and the nurse squeezed that cold jelly I came to hate, on my tummy, she began to press into my belly with the doofer thingy...they couldn’t find a heartbeat...naturally I began to panic, the tears started again and I squeezed Thomas’s hand, far too tight I’m sure...

The nurse moved the doofer about a little more... THERE IT WAS! 

A tiny heartbeat, so loud! So constant, that was my little baby, that I had so much love for already...even though it probably looked more like an alien than an actual baby at this point!

Relief flooded through my body a the speed of light, I felt like I had been given the gas and air already, I was on cloud 9, no one could have brought me down after that! To this day I will never, ever forget that sound or hearing it for the first time! It was amazing! I was already so in awe of what my body was doing, and could potentially achieve. 

As the weeks began to fly past my bump became ever more predominant, I was beginning to have a pregnancy waddle! As I came into work one of these mornings, at 6am,I was already exhausted from being up most of the night with morning sickness (which by the way, is a myth, it hits at EVERY hour of the day!). 

Ricky slammed down in front of me a list of things he wanted completed for 8 O’clock in the morning, he wanted myself and another girl to have a ridiculous amount of things done in a really short time frame. We both knew it wasn’t going to happen. 

Around half 9 and one of the other girls said something that had all of us in a wrinkle, laughing. “Are you finished over there, cause there’s an awful lot of laughter coming from you lot!” Ricky shouted from inside the fridge, he came out and goes “well, are you done?!” I said no, we’re not done, he goes “well then pull your fucking fingers out cause it’s now half 9 and I wanted this done and on the shop floor by 8!” So on we continued. 

A quarter to ten rolls around and the rest of the girls start to head off on their break, I started to untie my apron “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?!” Ricky roared at me “On my break” I said back to him, I was not a bit impressed at this point, not only had I been in there from 6 in the morning I felt like I was about to pass out “You’re not finished, you’re not going anywhere!” He continued to roar at me. I replied rather swiftly “Rick, it’s almost 10 o'clock, I have been here since 6, I’m hungry and pregnant, I need to fucking eat so I’m going on my break!”his reply made my blood boil and I don’t think I have ever been more furious at someone in my life “I couldn’t give a fuck if you're pregnant or not, when I tell you to do something I expect you to do it!” So I took of my apron and chucked it down in front of him, “It’s like this Ricky, I owe you nothing, and you can bet your arse, the life of my unborn child means more to me than having enough melon and strawberries on the shelf, I’m going on my break” I said and walked towards the  door “That’s alright, but when Oliver comes shouting at me about the shelf not being fully stocked I’ll send him to you!” “Send him my way, I’ll be sure to inform him about the gross misconduct and neglect of a pregnant staff member, by that of a supervisor” I shouted back to him as I walked out the door. 

As the time continued even further, and my tummy swelled even more, we were drawing close to our 20 week scan, and we could not be more excited! We were going to find out if I was cooking a little peaky blinder or a teeny Disney princess! As the day for the scan came ever closer I started to panic, what if the baby had an extra limb or a missing eye? Could they even see that on a scan? I was so nervous, I felt like I was going to be sick, and this time not due to morning sickness! 

We pulled up to the hospital and I had my green notes all ready to go, we headed in through the door, Thomas was exited and I was nervous, we were  about to find out what our little squish was! In the waiting room, I gave the nurse  my pee, got bloods done, more bloods done, blood pressure and now waiting...waiting...and a bit more waiting “Dah-Nah co-vill” Why could no one ever pronounce my name I remember thinking to myself as I walked towards the nurse who was going to do my scan!

Into the room, hop on the bed, jelly on, and there it was the familiar kicks I got every time went for a scan, little squish hated the jelly too!The nurse did all of the measurements, she had zoomed right in so wee could see if all four chambers of the heart had developed properly... it was perfect, wee could see the tiny fluttering of the heart beating, she even let us listen to it...whoosh whoosh whoosh, such a fast beat for such a tiny body! The nurse zoomed out a little and I couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing, I couldn’t see the baby’s head or limbs I was really confused and all that was going through my head was Rachel from friends in the scene where she cant see Emily! 

Tears began to fill in my eyes as I looked at Thomas and said I couldn’t see a baby! “Dana, it’s okay, look” he said pointing towards the screen, and there it was, a perfect little image of a baby! The nurse hadn’t fully zoomed out so what I had seen was in fact, the whole heart rather than the individual sections. I still couldn’t quite believe that this little human was growing inside me! Just as I was thinking this, I got several big kicks, from the tiny baby in my belly, whatever I was having, was clearly having fun! My eyes started to well up again, I was so happy, in that moment, nothing could have turned my mood. 

“Would you like to know the gender?” the nurse asked before she examined the lower half of the baby. “Yes, of course!” I said without hesitating! The nurse hovered over the middle of the baby, poking and prodding for a while, little squish was being rather difficult, which was preemptive alright! “You’re having a little GIRL” The words I will never forget hearing, we had found out what our first little baby was going to be! I was so nervous before hand and now everything just seemed to have fallen into place! I was so bloody happy! 

I was convinced she was going to be a boy, but I had really, REALLY wanted a girl, for the obvious reasons, to have a little mini me! “Are you happy it’s a girl?” I remember asking Thomas, “Dana, of course I am, I don’t care what it is, as long as it’s healthy!” He reassured me. I knew in that moment, this was, without a doubt the person I wanted to raise a family with. 

Walking out of the hospital that day, I was so full of pride and love, at what my body was currently achieving, and in how far Thomas and I had come, from when we first met! We were actually starting a family together, something we had both dreamed of and wondered about for years! That day, was a good day!

To this day I have never seen a clearer scan photo, but this, was our little princess in the making and boy were we excited to meet her! 

I’m going to finish this post hear, and do my pregnancy in two parts, other wise we’ll be here for the next year reading one post! Writing this part of my pregnancy has been both fun and an eye opener, I really hope you enjoy reading about it! 

All my love, 

So with this post, I’m going to tell you about finding out I was pregnant... this will be a long post, so for those of you this doesn’t interest, I’m sorry!

The day I found out I was pregnant I was at work, I work in my local shop, we sell fresh made food and at the time I worked in the back kitchen where the food is prepared.

I remember feeling really funny, like I had a little niggling in my lower abdomen, I kept putting the thought aside because there was no way I could be pregnant, I was on the pill, and taking it religiously.

At the time, my shifts were 6am-3pm. I decided to go over to Ballymena ( a town near where I live) to do some retail therapy, but as 3 o’clock drew near I started to feel queasy, the niggling was still there.

I got on the bus at a quarter past 4, I arrived at a quarter to 5 and the niggling was still there. I decided to go and get a pregnancy test to put my mind at ease, cause there was no way I could be pregnant... right?

I bought the test and took it to the toilet in my fav coffee shop. Hands shaking, I peed on the stick, put the lid on, turned it over and set it on the sink. I’m sat there in a toilet in costa, knickers round my ankles feeling like I’m about to throw the fuck up... “at least you're in the right place” I remember thinking to myself.

I could HEAR the blood pumping round my head as I picked up the test and turned it over...and there it was, the faintest blue line I’ve ever seen in my life, so faint that I questioned if it was even real, it looked like a negative test, one where you could kinda see the line because it’s always there, but slightly stronger.

“I’m a mummy...” I kept murmuring to myself, but it didn’t feel real. I felt sick to the stomach. I picked up my phone and rang my best friend... “hello...are you busy? I’m in costa, can you come and meet me?” “No I’m not busy, are you okay?” “I don’t know, I just need you to come and get me” “Okay, I’ll be there in five” she hung up the phone.

So I’m outside pacing back and forward in the car park waiting or her to pick me up... How on earth was I going to tel her about this? She had only just gone through the same thing, she just found out she was pregnant too a few weeks ago! 

She pulled up beside me and I jumped in the car “Niamh, I think I’m pregnant” I said to her, and her reaction, her face, her actions everything about this human, I loved! She was so happy for me, But I still couldn’t quite believe it! I had 3 other pregnancy tests in my bag that I was going to take.  quick text to Thomas “I’m going to Niamh’s she’ll bring me home, you don’t need to lift me” 

We got to hers and I still didn’t have to pee! Trust this to be the one time my tiny bladder doesn't need to empty itself every five minutes! 

 After about 3 cups of tea n a lot of chat about the future possibilities for the two of us with our little bubbas, I FINALLY had to pee again. 

In I went, Peed on the stick, you know the process, waiting and a lot more chat about what was to come. 

I turned it over. 

There it was. 

The blue line. Clear as day. 

I was pregnant. 

I was going to be a mummy! 

Niamh grabbed hold of me and we started to jump around her sitting room! “YOU’RE GOING TO BE SUCH AN AMAZING MUMMY!” She shouted as we collapsed in a pile of legs and limbs. I had this amazing person by my side to go through it all with me, I knew I was going to be okay! 

In the car the whole way home I tried to form how I was going to tell Thomas, the love of my life, the daddy of our baby, that I was growing inn my belly! The words would not come to me so eventually I gave up and just sat quietly waiting o get to my little flat. 

When we got in I took my shoes off (it’s a rule in my house). I went into the spare room and Niamh went into the kitchen to put the kettle on. “Thomas can you com here a minute”  shouted down the hall to hie “Yeah?” he said confused as ever as he came into the room “what’s wrong?”  I took out the pregnancy test and showed it to him “Is that hers” he said taking about Niamh. “Why would I be showing you her pregnancy test?” I’m looking at him like mate the fuck? “He looked at me and goes “Are you serious?!” he said really shocked sounding “I would never Joke about this!” I said to him. He pulled me into him and hugged me so tight I genuinely thought he was going to squish the baby! “I love you so much...the both of you!” He whispered through a tear... and I don’ think he’s ever meant something more in his life! 

We went up to the sitting room where Niamh was, “Did you tell him?!” “Look at the grin on his face...of course I told him!” I turned to look at Thomas, and asked him if he was happy? “Of course I am!” he said as he pulled me in to cuddle me again!   

This is one of the only times Niamh has been on hand with a camera when it was necessary but I am so glad she caught this moment, it’s one I will cherish for the rest of my life! We were so excited about the adventure that we were about to set out on... and by fuck was it an adventure and a half! 

If you have made it to the end of this post without clicking off, then thank you! I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing! 

In my next post we’ll take a look at my pregnancy, the good the bad and the down right ugly! 

all my love,