I just wanted to tell you, I remembered the red bikini post as well as your offer of dinner and dessert.
At the time, for whatever reason, it felt āoffā and kind of creepy that Neil responded the way he did. Never in a million years, thinking something like this would happen.
One of my first thoughts after the allegations came out about him was, āsome of Gods greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers.ā With a nod to Garth Brooks who has had his own demons to face.
Iām glad Someone kept you safe. ā„ļø
(Grouping together due to similar themes/ease of answering.)
@amagnificentobsession and Anon: Thank you so much...this is very, very sweet of you both to say and I truly appreciate it. ā„ļø
One thing I do want to make clear is that I am in no way trying to equate my experience with Neil to the absolute horrors his survivors went through. But it felt relevant to mention because I do think it gives us a glimpse into how he operates--how purposeful he is, how deliberate.
My default response tends to always be to blame myself--either for not knowing better, or in this case because I took certain actions (sending him that photo of me). And I'm fully responsible for that. In my mind, I know that he worked very hard to come across as someone safe, someone that I would feel comfortable sending that photo to--but in my heart, it still hurts so much. Not because I was such a huge fan of Neil's, but because it's yet another instance of me being a terrible judge of character. It's something that's happened in my life on multiple occasions--usually romantic relationships--where I've incorrectly thought guys felt the same way about me that I felt about them.
It's a funny thing, though, because in several of those cases, it turned out that those men were using me to feel better about themselves. To boost their own fragile, pathetic egos. Obviously, this is not an identical situation, as I was not in a relationship of any kind with Neil, but the playbook still feels eerily similar. And like those situations, I'm left wondering how I could have not seen what he was, and how I could have been so wrong. Especially because in the years since those relationships, I have definitely encountered more than my share of creepy guys, so I thought for sure I would know what to look out for by now.
But despite that, I didn't clock Neil's responses as creepy, or think that something like this would ever happen. The things he said were so calculated to be what they were--goofy, funny, sweet, harmless--that I was blinded to reality. He weaponized being Neil Gaiman, wielded it with surgical precision, and I fell for it. And it fucking hurts.
As you both have said, though, it does feel like direct corroboration of what we now know, and it seems like I did ultimately did dodge a potentially terrible experience. I only wish the same could've been true for all the women he hurt...
