#alwaysaglader

A Heart Wired For War — Masterlist

✧ Status: Ongoing

Warning : Self destruction, self harm and suicidal mentions.  

Newt's P.O.V

My eyes shot wide open as I woke up drenched in sweat with tears on the brim of my eyes and my heart pounding rapidly in chest. I felt like a burning house being buried beneath floodwaters rushing all around me.

It was another haunting nightmare.

I choked back a sniffle, wiping the tears streaming down my face with my shivering fingers. It's been hell. It's always been hell. For years, I've been coping with depression, which I started suffering from since some traumatic things that happened in my life but these last few months have been a worsening disaster each and every day.

I am barely breathing with a broken heart that is still beating.

Ever since the Dark days, I feel like it's gone to a point of no return. I've been waking up everyday, feeling lost and confused, and scared. This feeling occurred often inside me, exhausting me emotionally and physically. I've been tired forever.

That feeling you get in your stomach, when your heart is broken, it's like all the butterflies just died and all I wanted to do right now was cry and scream it all out because it was killing me inside.

The Dark days left a broken piece in each of us, something to haunt us for the rest of our lives. The word nightmare is too less a simplicity to define it all.

I let out a few sobs and stuffed my shivering cold fingers to my hoodie pocket only to feel something inside. Confusedly, I moved my fingers only to grab hold of a flower - I picked for Y/N. I twirled my fingers around the  stem, the soft petals brushing against my skin as my mind immediately drifted off to her.

Y/N - the angel of our Glade.

There wasn't anyone else in the world who would always be there when someone was in need, whether it was for a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on or even simply for a hug to feel better.

When she caught someone having crying fits and beginning to keep everything to themselves, including words and mood swings, she would sit for hours on end, just simply listening to us and making us feel safe and not alone in this cruel world, regardless of how much she has to deal with on her own.

Most of us are gifted with the ability to see the monsters hidden within another, but are unable to see past them. It takes a special kind of person to see the light inside of every living being.

Specially with me, even though I am not the same person I was to her as in the beginning, and I sometimes feel like I'm still not the same but Y/N didn't once ever leave my side, even though I tasted of heartache and war.

Y/N is an unbelievably strong girl. She walks around every day on the verge of tears, and no one even has the slightest clue that she's not okay.

She puts on a brave face everyday to give us hope and strength but I know that she is carrying the burden of the world on her shoulders alone but will do anything to see someone else smile.

She's got the eyes of innocence; the face of an angel. The personality of a dreamer and a smile that hides more pain that you can ever imagine.

She's the type of girl that is going to say "I got this" even with tears in her eyes.

I left my room and stumbled through the dimly lit halls, making my way out of the Homestead to grab a glass of water to quench my thirst.

I opened the door of the kitchen and fumbled for the light switch. Only as I flicked it on, did I see the bloody mess, cupboards opened wide, food scattered all about, which isn't like Fry at all, so I assumed that Minho and Thomas were definitely here sneaking out food. Those shanks with their never ending hunger.

Letting out a deep sigh, I started to clean up the kitchen to a certain extent before leaving, a commotion was not needed tomorrow morning. Specially with those two shanks who run away when they see Alby fuming towards them.

After I was done, I decided to take a check on the boys soundly asleep on their hammocks, before heading anywhere else but my room. I couldn't stand to be in there tonight.

As I was making my way across the Glade, I stared up at the sky above, admiring the canopy of stars that lit the clear night sky. Star gazing has always been a favourite, as the simple beauty of the stars is enough to calm me at times and take my mind away from my problems. 

Sleep could not be caught tonight, so I walked over to the Watch tower and climbed to the top, only to see a bundle of blankets and pillows, and Y/N cocooned in the middle of it.

She looked so pure and angelic that it took me aback a little.

Now grinning myself, I moved myself closer and knelt next to her, only to see her chubby cheeks puffed and red as if she's been... crying all night. The sight broke my heart, as I leaned into her and cupped one side of her jaw, trailing my fingertips over her soft, silky skin.

A hum left her lips as she started stirring under my touch. "Shh.. it's alright.. it's just me... Newtie" I whispered, brushing a few strands of hair away from her face, as her eyes which had one of the most beautiful mixture of colours I had ever seen in my life, slowly opened.

"Love... do you want to go to bed?" I asked, as she blinked her eyes a few times, looking lost, before fixating them on mine. Her lips curled tiredly as she settled herself from her rolled-up position. "I'll think I'll stay out here tonight Newt".  

She's battling things her smile will never tell you about.

"Y/N, do you mind if I join you?" I asked, not wanting her to be alone again, and she nodded in acknowledgement, looking up at me with her beautiful pair of eyes as I scooched myself beside her.

Being cuddly, I slowly wrapped my arms around her, listening to the change of her breathing pattern. Y/N stirred in my arms, and pressed herself tighter against me, nuzzling her face just underneath my chin. Smiling to the cuteness, I caressed her back.

"You make me so cosy" she let out a giggle of glee. "Well of course love", I grinned and pressed a kiss on her little nose, "you are my cuddly teddy bear".  

A soft wave of warmth washed over my heart as her lips spilled with many giggles. I felt my heart melt at the beauty of her voice filling the silent sky. I was so mesmerised at the way her lips curved at the edges, dragging her beautiful smile across her face, all the way up to her glimmering eyes. It was the most breath-taking sight to behold.

Only when her puzzled voice echoed through my ears, did she pull me out of my daydream. "Newt?" she carefully cupped my face into her hand palms, as if I'd break any second, "you blanked out there for a minute".  

I felt my cheeks go red in embarrassment as a sudden wave of shyness washed over me.  "You haven't laughed in a long time" I murmured softly, feeling my cheeks burning, "I guess I was staring cause I forgot how that looked like".

Her cheeks dusted pink as a gentle smile appeared on her face. It was one of the most adorable things I've ever seen in my life.

A silence fell across the night sky, as we simply rested intertwined in our embrace. I hummed and smiled, loving this moment. For the first time, after too long, did I feel a flicker of joy in my heart... but it was taken away from me too quickly.

Having a heavy heart and an anxious mind is the worst. I never let myself be happy, I feel alone even when I'm not and sometimes I don't even know what's wrong.

"Newt are you alright?" Y/N's small voice sounded with concern, pulling my mind away from my drowning thoughts. "Not really love... but I'll be fine" I answered, my heart saddening as I gazed upon the worried expression on her face. "Newt, please talk to me".

"It's nothing important"I muttered, shaking my head like a little kid and looked down with a pout, "I don't want to talk about it". Soon after did I feel a longing kiss being pressed on my forehead. "Why not Newtie?".

"I'll cry" I mumbled, to which she cuddled me closer, and I grew boneless in her arms, to the warmth of her body and the steady beating of her heart.

"Crying doesn't make you weak Newt. It means you have been strong for too long" she whispered and peppered kisses here and there. Her hands closed in on mine, fingers sliding between the gasps of my digits. "Talk to me".

With our hands intertwined, I finally dared to look up at her.

"Have you ever felt so lost in your life to a point where you don't seem to know even who you are? Ever feel like you're trying to find a simple sprinkle of happiness but your mind is too intoxicated with poisonous thoughts, tearing you apart bit by bit inside each day? That's how I am feeling" I started to cry, as my emotions poured out of me, as if I finally opened myself up, this time all the way.

"I've fought so hard but I feel like my entire world is breaking apart no matter how much I've struggled through my life. I feel like I've lost all hope at this point. I can't even remember what it feels like to be myself anymore" my sobs and my mouth pressed against her shoulder almost made my speech unclear, but Y/N didn't mind as she continued to listen to me while she wiped the tears that had started falling.

"I feel so alone, struggling to get to a point in life which I don't even believe can exist anymore" I panted, completely out of breath, voice trembling a little from all the emotions, "I'm not even asking for happiness anymore Y/N, just a little less pain to say the least".

"I am going closer to the edge Y/N" my sobs transformed into soft sniffles, as a feeling of absolute cold shot through me, making me shiver against her. Y/N stiffened.

"Ending your life doesn't stop the pain Newt" she murmured softly, her fingers gently combed through my hair, "it just passes it on to someone else".

Her voice was almost inaudible, but I still sensed her words.

I could feel my head spinning, my emotions encircling me like a tornado. I buried myself deeper into her arms and hid my face, squeezing her a little.

"Shh, don't cry". Her calming voice caused my heartbeat to slow down, and my crying to die down, like a mother hushing her child.

After a few moments of cuddling quietly, I gently pulled away and sat down beside her again. ''Y/N, darling?'' I murmured, moving closer as she continued to look at me in complete silence, "do you struggle?".

Her expression soon turned dull as she rubbed her eyes in a hurry, desperately trying to fight her tears back, but I slowly grabbed her wrists gently into my hands and bought them close to my lips, placing a kiss on each.

I think people often forget, that sometimes the person who tries to fix everyone, needs fixing too.

"Love, please talk to me" I told her just above a whisper. She looked small and hurt, completely curled into a small ball against the wooden fence, knees against her chest. My heart shattered at the sight.

"Please talk to me Y/N" I pleaded again, and she looked into my eyes this time, with an intense look that squeezed the air out of my lungs, her bottom lip trembling as she tried to keep himself from crying. "I can't loose you".

Y/N's P.O.V

"I just handle it alone Newt", I murmured softly, my voice barely a whisper, "I've always dealt with everything alone". Without saying something, but just with some tears, did he crawl towards me and nuzzle himself deep into my chest for a cuddle. "Why Y/N?".

His heartfelt plea made my heart ache.

"I've cried so much in my life Newt" I started with a broken voice, remembering my past memories which used to haunt me, "but nobody has ever been there to wipe the tears that rolled down my cheeks".

"One day I looked down and realized - I have two hands myself". I pulled away from the snuggle so I could look at him. His watery, chocolate brown eyes fell on mine.

"Everything that's hit me in my life I have dealt with on my own" I continued in a quiet tone, "cried myself to sleep on my own, picked myself back up and wiped my tears on my own and have grown from things that were meant to break me".

"I saved myself" I whispered, and rested my head on top of his as he gazed at me with a softened expression,"instead of waiting for other people to save me".  

"I stopped thinking of myself as damaged, and started to think about myself as growing to be stronger from the person I used to be".  

Running a hand over his head, I brushed a few strands of hair behind his ear before he placed his head back against my chest. "Does your past still haunt you?".

"Not anymore" I said, my hands occupying themselves by twirling and playing with his blond locks, "the only time I look back to the past now is to see how far I've come. It can't hurt me, unless I let it".

"My past beats inside me like a second heart Y/N" he choked out, clutching onto me like it's his lifeline, "there seems to be no end to it ending to getting over it".

I quickly grabbed his face in my hands and pulled it closer to my own and pressed a kiss on his forehead, what made him smile a little.

"I know letting go is a slow process Newt, but quitting won't speed it up, it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop" I said, while wiping the tears that had started trickling down his cheeks, "it's okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It's okay to draw a line in the sand and start over again and again".

"Just make sure you're moving the line forward. Take baby steps and simply make progress". My heart ached again, to have him so broken in my arms. I could still feel his tears dripping on me.

"Sometimes you will have to fight a battle more than once to win it" I mumbled just above a whisper and cupped his face, drying his wet cheeks, "and the hardest battle you are ever going to have to fight is the battle to be just you".  

We all have a war inside us. Sometimes it keeps us alive. Sometimes it threatens to destroy us. But it always leaves us a scar. Sometimes you don't see them until later. Sometimes you don't know where they've come from. Sometimes they fade before your eyes. But the world leaves its mark on us. But that scar is proof that you was stronger than what had tried to hurt you.

Strength is not about how much you can handle before you break. It is about how much you can endure after you've been broken.

Slowly and very softly did he part from me with watery eyes. "It is so hard Y/N".

"I know Newt". Nodding, my lips left kisses all over his head and face again, smothering him, "but you are strong enough to face it all, even if it doesn't feel like it right now and sometimes you just got to cry before you can move forward and all of that is ok".

"If you have the courage to make it through a lonely night with nothing but your self destructive thoughts to keep you company, you have the courage to make it through anything". My lips left a gentle kiss on his forehead to reassure him. 

"Remember your proudest and happiest moments, rather than fixating on your flaws", I stroked his cheek and nuzzled our noses together, causing him to giggle, "think of all the lovely moments that happened to you, and put the bad ones behind you".

"Start making peace with yourself, rather than listening to destructive emotions" I grabbed his wrists with the gentlest movements, which had some scars on them. I left kisses here and there. "Seek out new beginnings rather than settling down for unworthy situations".

"Focus on how to improve, rather than on how you messed up" I whispered, and rested my head on top of his as he gently nodded at me, a hint of hope twinkling in his eyes.

For once there was no wall between us, keeping me from getting close to him. It finally broke down just for me, and I could finally get close to his broken soul. 

When I drew away from him, my own smile couldn’t be held down at the sight of seeing a momentary lapse of hope in his eyes, as I gently pressed a few kisses on his knuckles.

"If you are having a rough day place your hand over your heart" my hand closed on his big, tender one as I clenched it and placed it gently on his chest, "feel that?".

"That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason". When I said this to him, I made sure to look deep into his eyes to make sure he understood every word I spoke. "Never give up".

"One day you will tell the story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide".

With our hands intertwined, I grinned and pressed a kiss on the tip of his nose. A fully blown, toothy grin appeared on his face, letting his big brown orbs shine.

"Owning your story is the bravest thing you will ever do".

Newt's P.O.V

There are wounds on her that are never shown on her body but are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

The fire blazing in her dark and injured heart seemed to glow around her like a flame.

She was not fragile, like a flower. She was fragile, like a bomb.

"You are so incredible". My cheeks warmed faintly at the unexpected burst of wording the thoughts in my head. Her cheeks turned red while she smiled shyly to herself with eyes sparkling brightly, as she cuddled into me. I let out a happy sigh in return as I wrapped my arms gently around her. My heart fluttered in adoration.

Y/N may have grown a callous and hard shell but inside that shell she was a warm and tender heart, and a kind soul.

Being both soft and strong is the most beautiful combination a person can master.

"You've gone through so much Y/N" I whispered, and rested my head on top of hers as we lied there in silence, enjoying our own little bubble, "I don't know how you do it".

My fingers tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, making her even more beautiful than she already is. "I wasn't given a choice".

Biting her lower lip between her teeth she suddenly lowered her head and averted her gaze away from mine. "Y/N?".

"Hmm?" She hummed, before falling silent again.

"You are awfully quiet love" I whispered, and pulled her in for a hug, to which she nuzzled her face into the crook of my neck for a moment. "What's going on in that beautiful mind?".

My lips left a kiss on her shoulder to soothe her.

"I've thought about killing myself about a hundred times Newt" I felt her lips curve against my skin, "but I somehow found myself to be still in love with life".

My heart missed a few pulses from her words.

Moving back away from my embrace, she looked at me with a faint smile before using her little fingers to rub on her watery eyes, wiping the tears before I could even lay my fingers on her skin to do it for her.

My thoughts went blank as I continued to gaze in absolute awe at this beautiful warrior in front of my eyes.

This version of Y/N wasn't built overnight. She had been to the utter depths of hell, through abuse, mistakes, insecurities and heartache, to get to the level she is now.

Behind this strong independent woman today, lied a broken little girl who had to learn how to get back up and to never depend on anyone.  

She was a knight polishing her armour. Carrying her own sword. Fighting her own battles. Making her own glory.

And that was the thing about her, she kept on surviving. With bullet holes in her lungs and knife marks itched in her heart. She never let anything get in her way, resilient.

A fighter, not by choice. But a warrior at heart.

Y/N's P.O.V

Newt leaned towards me and cupped one side of my jaw with his tender hand, his expression softening as his brown, piercing eyes began to sparkle. "Tell me more about it".

"I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life" I started in a quiet tone, and could feel my bottom lip quivering a little, as I kept talking, "but my life was never ordinary to begin with".

"I started to learn to appreciate the little things in life and I noticed that life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles... you just have to see it".

In silence, he pressed his lips gently on my cheek, a smile spread all over his face. "Go on, love". The smile resting over my own lips twitched, spreading into a blown-out grin as our eyes found each other for a long, craving stare.  

"I love to watch the 5am sunrises and 5pm sunsets" I began softly, as he caressed my head with the palm of his hand while he continued to hold me close, "where you'll see colours in the sky that don't usually belong there.

"I love the way the first sip of coffee warms me up in the morning, or the way I feel so cozy and fuzzy when wearing oversized clothes" I told him, causing him to laugh, taking me by surprise, but then let it die down to a chuckle, "I love the smell from baked bread to the earthy scent of the air after a rain shower".

"I love eating breakfast in bed or having an extra half an hour to snooze in bed" I continued but with lots of smiles and giggles, which cheered me up, "or having some time to myself to read a book I love".

"I believe in small gestures" I cooed, and threaded my fingertips along his jawline, where I left a few kisses, "someone making me smile, or holding the door for me or even something simple as a wave of hello".

With dreamy eyes, he continued to gaze.

"I don't pay attention to the world ending anymore" I just shook my head, chuckling to myself, "it ended for me many times and began again in the morning".

Smiling, he pressed a kiss on my head as a comforting smile appeared on my face.  

"We are all a little broken Newt" I murmured gently, cupping his soft cheeks in my hands to which he hummed and nuzzled his face in,"that's how the light gets in".

With bright red cheeks this time, he nodded.

Now grinning myself, I placed my head back on his chest to listen to the familiar beating as I gently grabbed his hands in mine just to press my lips on top of his scars again. "Just promise me to never do this to yourself again".  

"I won't" he promised truthfully as I lifted myself up, only to rest my forehead on his. I felt him radiate heat again, cheeks glowing brightly.

"We have enough in life against us already don't be against yourself" I pressed a kiss on his nose and then nuzzled it with my own, making him grin,"be brave; dare to love the pieces of yourself no one else will ever see".

"Be patient and loving towards yourself" my lips pressed a kiss right on the place where his heart is located, "be the reason for your own smile".

"Embrace who you are" I whispered, and kissed each of his knuckles lovingly, to which he giggled sweetly, as he grabbed a hold of my hand and slid his fingers between mine, "be proud of yourself".

"Be your own hero".

A smile from ear to ear appeared on my own face to the sight of his beautiful face smiling at me, his warm chocolate brown eyes shining brighter than the constellation of stars above us.

Newt didn’t say anything, but his eyes told me more than enough. And along with his smile, bigger than ever before, I knew enough.

In complete silence, we sat there - rocking from side to side. Newt breathed calmly and slow, as if his mind had finally found peace, resting. Our eyes kept staring at each other, drowning in the colours of our irises, heartbeats changing until they were beating on the same rhythm.

Newt's P.O.V

"Y/N, I know it will happen, love. I know it will" I hushed, holding her tightly in my arms as we laid on the couch in front of the TV, watching some kind of random movie that got displayed on some kind of channel we often look at when we have a sleep over.

"But no one has ever wanted me Newt..." I heard her mumble against my chest and I cupped her cheek and lifted her face slowly only to see her eyes filling with tears, breaking my heart to a million pieces at the sight.

"D-d-do you know for my prom every girl had a date except me ?" she sniffled, cheeks glowing bright red in what seemed like shame, "and the worst part was..... you know what, it's a silly thing. Happened a while back" she wiped her tears and averted her gaze from me suddenly. "Y/N, it's not silly. Please tell me, love" I hugged her soothingly, "tell me. Please".

Y/N looked at me nervously before letting out a sigh, "I've always wanted that moment where the guy puts the corsage onto the girl's hand at prom to happen to me... but I had to watch every girl get that moment when I've been dreaming it for so long... but I couldn't have it".

"There were more boys than girls too and yet no one wanted me" she said quietly. "Y/N, that's because they ain't worthy of your love" I said earnestly, "you have to need someone who's worthy of you... cause you are precious" I grabbed her hand very gently and intertwined her fingers with mine, as she nuzzled her face to the crook of my neck, tears pouring down her cheeks.

"I just don't think that anyone could ever want me Newt" she murmured very quietly, tightening her grip on my hand. "Y/N, anyone in the world will have all the luck in the world just to be with you" I said immediately, and wiped the tears away, brushing a strand of hair out of her face making her grin softly.

"Just seeing couples getting ready to do cute things together for Valentines day... I just can't help but wonder what it's like to have someone fall for you" she said in a whisper, her voice was almost inaudible, but I still sensed her words, "I mean really in love with you. Not just by looks but be consumed with every little piece of you. The way you laugh, the way you talk... the way you just exist".

"I'm so afraid" I felt her small hands clinging to my hoodie, "that no one will ever fall in love with me... I'm just-- " but I cut her off immediately tackling her with a hug not wanting her to finish her that sentence knowing what she was going to say. My heart broke even more.

"Y/N, if I could give you one thing in life I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realise how special you are..." I whispered and pressed a kiss on her hair, and took in her scent.

"You know what?" I said, wrapping my arms around her, until there was no space left between our bodies, "I'm going to make you feel special like you deserve to be felt everyday. She tilted her head with a wet chuckle,  "Newt, what are you talking about ?".

"I'm going to plan Valentine's day" I grinned excitedly. The look in her eyes changing noticeably, flickering with joy, as her smile turned to giggles, making my heart skip beats.

She had a smile worth dying for, but oh when she laughed.

Time skip to Valentine's Day

Y/N's P.O.V

I woke up to the familiar smell of pancakes coming from my kitchen. I lazily opened my eyes to see a figure at the door.  "Newt?" I asked sleepily, rubbing my eyes and sitting up. "Good morning!!" his cheerful voice echoed as he walked closer, carrying a big tray in his hands.

"Breakfast in bed" he smiled, placing the tray on my bedside table only to grab a pillow and place it on the head board so I can sit back comfortably. Once he was satisfied he placed the tray on my lap and I was amused by how lovely it was.

Rose petals were scattered around the plate located in the middle which was also accompanied with my mug filled with steaming hot chocolate topped with whipped cream and little pink heart shaped sprinkles.

"Newt..." I glanced up to see him smiling sweetly at me. "Do you like it?" he asked bouncing on his heels. "It's homemade with love" he grinned cheekily with a wink. "Come here you" I laughed, patting the spot besides me.

Once he nestled himself next to me I handed him the fork knowing he hasn't eaten anything without me but instead he took the tray and cutlery positioning them on his lap. My confusion soon turned into admiration and I got so lost in his charm as he began to manipulate our breakfast, pouring the rich maple syrup onto the stack of pancakes and then  slicing it to small pieces.

"Open up, love " Newt spoke as he looked up at me, holding the fork pierced with a piece of pancake, carefully stuffing the food between my teeth. "It's delicious" I giggled, covering my mouth so as not to spill anything out of it while chewing.

He smiled proudly before he supplied himself with a bite of our breakfast but right before he put the fork in his mouth he suddenly halted with widened eyes and excused himself running out in a flash only to come back a second later holding something more in his hands.

"T-t-these are for you" he said with a shy smile handing me two flower bouquets, one with red roses and the other with pink. "I-I-I didn't know which one you would have liked most so I got you both" he said smiling sheepishly, his soft face gazing at me adoringly.

"Do you like them ?" he asked in a keen tone, sitting back in the bed and brushing his fingers on the pinkish petals. "Newt, they're so beautiful" I exclaimed happily, bubbling with joy and it made his cheeks turn to the shade of my roses. "Thank you so much".

Breakfast resumed with Newt delicately feeding me as he nourished himself with other half of the stack. I opened my mouth again, expecting Newt to satisfy it with another dose of sugary dough but it never came. "I'm sorry, love. But we're done here" he informed, when I looked at the plate with nothing but the traces of syrup.

I chuckled embarrassedly and grabbed the hot mug when I felt a soft kiss being placed onto my cheek making a lovesick feeling wash over me, numbing my senses and fluttering hard in my stomach. Warmth spread over my body, consuming me. I felt loved.

"Sooo what are we going to do today ?" I asked, clearing my throat and snapping myself back to reality. "What do you prefer, love ? Something outside or inside?" he asked, smiling widely, while collecting the dishes back on to the tray.

"Newt what ever you have got for me I am sure it's perfect" I chuckled, feeling happiness exploding in my stomach for the time and effort he had gone through for me. "Noooo" he whined childishly with a pout, "you have to choose".

"If you want indoors I got snacks and your favourite movies ready to get all snuggly inside a blanket fort" he explained enthusiastically "and if you wanna go outside, I've got a picnic ready at the back of my jeep so we can drive off to somewhere".

"Outside?" I tilted my head and he smiled back warmly with a nod. "Give me some time to get ready ok ?" I said and he rolled his eyes playfully, "Y/N, take all the time you need love. You know I always wait for you" he chuckled making me laugh too.

After he left I dragged myself into the bathroom to see my bath all ready, filled with bubbles with a few candles around the tub which was scented with what seemed like roses too. It looked so breath-taking I had to take a few moments to admire it.

After refreshing myself, I wrapped a towel and walked straight to my closet to take out the outfit I have been waiting to wear for quite a while now. It was a dress Newt chose for me at the mall some time back but I felt too self conscious so I pushed the idea of buying it.

But I couldn't seem to forget the look on Newt's face when I tried it on and showed it to him. His deep brown eyes were full of warmth, as his pink lips quirked in a full blown smile. My heart bursted with love as I noticed him looking at me, his eyes sparkling as if I were the only person in the world. Therefore, I went back to the store later on and bought the dress to wear it as a suprise for Newt one day but never did I ever think it would be on such a romantic situation with him.  

Once I was fully dressed and walked out of my room, Newt's mouth gaped open as his widened eyes looked at me, gawking silently and mindlessly with his cheeks tinting red by the second.

"You look incredibly gorgeous, love" he managed to say or stutter with an ever growing smile. "Thank you Newt"I giggled coming closer to him and placing a soft kiss to his cheek. "And you look very handsome yourself" I reciprocated genuinely making him break into a shy grin.

"I got something for you" Newt spoke up and slowly bought his hand that was hidden behind his back to reveal a beautiful corsage. "I made it by myself" he told me very shyly and looked down again, which was one of the most adorable things I've ever seen in life, "so I could do it with all your favourite flowers".

When Newt looked down while blushing, I lifted up his head by lifting his chin up with two fingers and his cheeks began to burn, leaving them to glow when he noticed me staring already. "It's the most beautiful corsage I've ever seen Newt" I smiled, his gesture making my heart warm and makes butterflies tickle the walls of my stomach. "Thank you so much..." I said softly, trailing the back of my fingers over his cheek to caress while keeping my eyes on his, which were sparkling brightly, "for everything".

"I-I-I can't b-b-believe you did all this for m-m-me" I started to stammer, unable to express how grateful I was in proper words when I was cut off with a hug. "Y/N, you know I do anything for you. No matter how bizarre it is" he murmured into my ear, peppering a few kisses all over. I hummed happily and smiled, loving this moment.

--

"So what type of guy did you have in mind if you were to have a date today?" Newt asked while we climbed down the flight of stairs. "You just tell me what you want and I'll be that for you" he prompted eagerly and a chuckle left my lips as I stopped and turned to face him, grabbing his hands in mine, "goofy and clumsy".

"But Y/N that's just me" he frowned. "I know and I wouldn't change it for the world" I grinned and kissed his cheek making a big smile appeared on his face, love pulsing through my chest as a genuine smile flooded my face.

When we walked out of my building and reached the the car, Newt opened the door being the gentlemen he always is and helped me in. "I've got your favourite CDs ready. Pick what you want, love" he smiled with a quick peck on my cheek before coming around and getting in himself.

The drive was quiet, except for the music yet comfortable as it always is when we're together. Newt drove through a forest-like area. The sun was shining right through the spaces of the leaves on the trees that surrounded us, giving it a captivating beauty. Newt parked the car somewhere alongside the road and grabbed a basket from the backseat of the car, along with a checkered plaid that draped over it before coming over and opening the door for me.

He grabbed a hold of my hand and laced our fingers, feeling it glow. I placed a quick kiss to his crimson red cheek, as we started walking down a gravel path, leading to a beautiful lake in an open area that was surrounded by trees.

The sight was romantic and so breath-taking that I stopped walking for a few seconds to take in the environment. "Y/N?" Newt suddenly spoke up, as he looked over his shoulder at me. "Sorry, it's just so beautiful" I smiled, and did a little twirl making him chuckle while he unfolded the plaid, to lie it down on the ground. He then held out his hand inviting me to sit with him before we started pulling out all the home-made goods Newt had in the basket.

Newt's P.O.V

I quietly pulled out the camera from the bag on the side and quickly snapped a picture of Y/N already stuffing herself with french fries. She was just so adorable I couldn't resist not taking a picture and then I heard the familiar squeal of her not wanting any pictures taken.

I think she'll will never know how much I want to take a picture of her when she's not looking, to capture her in those moments when she's just being herself, caught up in some daily task or thoughts and daydreams that I would never even know, times when she's unaware and unabashedly imperfect.

"You took a picture of me stuffing french fries in my mouth" she grumbled playfully with a slight push to my shoulder, "and I bit my finger".  I let out a laugh before moving closer to her and handing the camera for her to look while grabbing her hand to kiss her tiny finger. "Newt I look hideous" she pouted and I sighed with a small shake of my head as I held her hands bringing them close to my chest where she could feel my heart, every beat which is meant only for her.

"You are the loveliest, gentlest and most beautiful person I have ever known" I said looking deep into her beautiful pair of pearls, "and even that is an understatement".

A blush rose to her cheeks and she shyly looked at my eyes, biting her bottom lip to hide her growing smile making her look so adorable and I couldn't help but pepper her beautiful face with many kisses.

I still haven't figured out how sit with her and not be madly in love with everything she does.

Y/N was unexplainable. You think she was a good girl, but once you get to know her, you realise she's everything.

She's deeper than anyone else and that's probably why nobody gets her. She's a bit too much for anyone, and she has this weird habit of being herself all the time.

She is insecure with her flaws and has a hint of sadness in her eyes but she hides it well behind a smile that almost appears natural. She's delicate but tough, mostly tough on herself, the mistakes in which she made, often eat away at her conscience, she's honest but there are things she keeps to herself, understanding that not everyone deserves to unlock her secret door.

Y/N has always been so extraordinary to me and there's no goddamn universe that could be as much as her. But she doesn't believe that, and she blames herself every night for not being ordinary. She hates herself for being this unique human being but I fell in love with her for her uniqueness.

She's got a heavy heart, a messy soul, a reckless mind but there's this quiet sense of hope that still lives within her soul and I think it's absolutely beautiful the way she carries herself.

She was made of magic that only I could see.

"Do you know what my favourite picture is ?" I asked in a whisper, eyes dancing over the blush on her face, as she tilted her head to the side with a twinkle in her beautiful eyes. I let out a chuckle at her cuteness before reaching for the pocket in my pants to get my wallet to show her my favourite picture that I carry around everywhere, every single day.

It was a photo taken a long time back, we were sitting on the kitchen floor waiting for our cookies to be done while listening to the radio and 'Can I have this dance?' from high school musical suddenly came on and Y/N smiled at me like she wanted to dance but didn't want to ask so I grabbed her arm and spun her around the room.

Y/N had her hair in a messy bun, with no make up on, and a pair of baggy sweat pants and a giant Star Wars t-shirt and she looked absolutely stunning in my eyes, by just simply being her.  

So after we finished dancing or well mostly tripping over with lots of smiles and giggles, which cheered me up, honestly, I held her in my arms and smiled, to take a goofy selfie but we both looked at each other instead of the camera which captured that moment in a perfect picture.

Y/N's P.O.V

"Oh no" he panicked, quickly standing up. "Newt?" I asked worriedly. "M-my wallet" he stammered nervously, "I-I must have dropped it somewhere". I sprung on my feet instantly, "Newt calm down. We'll go look" I said seeing him turn pale by the moment, "did you have it this morning ?".

"YES!!" he said frantically looking around. "Newt we will look here and then you go look at your place and I'll check at mine. It can't be anywhere else" I suggested and he nodded in agreement.

After a while of looking around here, we packed everything and went back to my place. "I'll come back as soon as I can" Newt said sadly as he dropped me at my door even though I told him not to. "I'm really sorry for ruining--" he started to say feeling guilty but I cut him off. "Don't be".

Once Newt left I looked in all my rooms and then moved to the kitchen to find it fallen under the table, where he must have dropped it when he came to make breakfast in the morning.

I quickly picked it up and opened it to see if anything is missing, but the first thing I saw was a picture of me and Newt right in front. I was wearing a giant Star Wars t-shirt and my hair was an absolute mess and I had a goofy smile on my face while Newt hugging me from behind, smiling so happily.

The same goofy smile I had made its way across my as I thought of how much of a mess I looked like here regardless of how much Newt said I looked 'bloody' beautiful. It would've been almost comical, if not for the absolute adoration encompassed within his eyes when he said so.

I remember the feeling I had when I first met Newt. I noticed his eyes instantly, they were beautiful brown orbs that got brighter and brighter every time he saw me.

He looked at me as if I were something special, the feeling of being special so foreign, it almost hurt to be looked at like that.

I've always thought Newt was plain amazing. I remember talking with him day and night and telling stories and talking about things we loved endlessly. He made it so simple and effortless and I couldn't help myself but fall in love with him.

But I've always been too terrified to tell him how I felt, especially anxious about the fact that if I would have said it, it could ruin our friendship.

I couldn't stop my ever growing smile on the thought of him as I searched through the rest of the wallet, but did not come across any cash or credit cards, just a folded paper in one case. Curiously, I pulled it out and opened wondering why Newt was so eager to find the wallet if there was nothing important here.

Moving my fingers along the neatly folded paper I opened it carefully, only to be shocked and amazed the next moment. A gasp rolled over my lips before I could swallow it down.

It was the first letter I ever wrote to Newt, years back when we first became friends. My mind couldn't even begin to comprehend the fact that he treasured it with him for so long. My thoughts were blank, clouded and unclear, as if the feeling of love fogged up my senses.

I sat like that for a while, just staring at the letter when the door suddenly flew open and Newt came stumbling inside. "Did you find it? did you find it?" he asked running up to me and I nodded still speechless."Y/N?" his worried voice echoed in my mind as he quickly knelt next to me, "sweetheart, what happened?".

"Y-y-you still kept this ?" I asked with a tremble in my voice. The air seemed to be knocked out of my lungs. "Yes" he answered in a quiet whisper as I looked up at his big brown eyes, which had one of the most beautiful mixture of colours I had ever seen in my life, staring at me. "Why?".

Newt's P.O.V

"Because you matter the world to me" I murmured softly, and looked down before looking back into her eyes. Once I looked at her and could feel the happiness blooming inside me, as if her eyes were the calm, beautiful morning after a night full of storm.

Suddenly, while we stared at each other in silence, I couldn't believe I held myself back for so long when I always wanted more. I wanted more than just looks and brushes of arms and legs. I wanted to taste her lips and her neck and her cheeks and everything. I wanted to run my hand through her hair and feel the electricity of love rush through me. I wanted to pull her in and never let her go.

"Can't you see it ?" I whispered with a trembling voice as I gently caressed her cheek, "I am hopelessly in love with you Y/N. I have for so, so long now". A soft sniffle left my mouth and I was soon bought into the familiar loving embrace of her arms. She held me tight as I started crying.

"I am in love with your big beautiful eyes and perfect laughing smile and rosy cheeks and little nose and pretty hair that makes your face glow. I am also in love with your voice and the way you blabber about the things you love endlessly and your warm hugs and sweet kisses and hilarious faces and corny jokes. I love it all" I said breathlessly, tears rolling down my face.

"Y/N, I want to make you happy in any way I can. I want to make you the kind of happy that when you lay in bed at night you're gonna think that who even knew this was possible" I said, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, making her more beautiful than she already is, "and I want to be the one to make you happy".

Y/N pulled her face from my chest and looked at me with sparkling eyes. Her irises shined bright, so bright they almost blinded me. "I love you".

"It's you" she continued softly, her head resting on mine as I saw tears starting to trickle down her cheek. She placed her hands in my neck, cupping half of my jaw, "it's always been you Newt. Even though I never told you".

"You're have always been my everything always" the quiet, melodic tune of her voice drifted through the air. The smile resting over my lips twitched, spreading into a blown-out grin as our eyes shyly found each other for a long, craving stare.

Her nose was pink and her eyes were watering. I noticed her eyes were even more beautiful when she cries. Most people would look at her, see a regular girl who's upset over something. To me, she's no ordinary girl. To me, she's the most beautiful, most lovely girl in the world.

Even now, as broken as she is, with her shoulders slumped over and knees wobbling in weakness and bloodshot eyes that can't cry anymore because she's already shed so many tears, she is still beautiful.

"I'm so sorry for taking so long to realise..." I faltered. "Newt, you have nothing to apologise for" she cooed, and pressed my head against her where I left a few kisses, "I am sorry for not--".

"You don't have to be" I hushed her immediately, wrapping my arms around her body and pressing myself against her to hold her listening to the change of her breathing pattern as our eyes kept staring at each other, drowning in the colours of our irises, heartbeats changing until they were beating on the same rhythm.

"C-c-c-can I k-k-kiss you ?" I stumbled suddenly, unable to stop myself from looking to her eyes to her lips and back again. She looked into my eyes in deep thought as to what spluttered out of my mouth.

"I've been dreaming about it" she admitted shyly, with bright red cheeks and that was all it took for me to kiss her like every fibre of my being was dying and she was my medicine. And oh my love, it did feel like it, because suddenly, I was more alive, I felt stronger, happier and I felt at home. Her arms felt like home and bloody hell, I never wanted to leave home again.

We were entirely in our own little world as we sat there, taking in each other's taste and enjoyed our what seemed like an ever lasting hug. Pulling back, I let my hand caress her cheek, taking in every little bit of her into my heart.

I smiled at her, making her blush. "Do you mind?" she said jokingly, smiling foolishly to herself. "I can't help it. You're so perfect" I trailing the back of my fingers over her cheek to caress while keeping my eyes on hers but she shyly glanced down and shrugged her shoulders. "I'm far from it".

I shook my head and sighed. "I hate it when you think of yourself as nothing. You're so beautiful and amazing. You may not be perfect to someone else, or to even yourself but you're perfect in my eyes".

"You have no idea how many 11:11 wishes, shooting star wishes and just plain wishes I have made to be good enough to be able to deserve you" I whispered and kissed her lips gently, causing her eyes to shine. A smile from ear to ear appeared on my face to the sight of her beautiful face smiling at me.

"Am I the reason you look so happy in the picture ?" Y/N grinned cheekily, picking up my wallet. "Oh darling" I cooed pulling back to look at her beautiful blushing face, "no camera could ever capture the look in my eyes and the feeling in my heart when I'm with you".

In silence, she pressed her lips gently on mine, a smile spread all over her face. My hands slid from her face to cup her soft cheeks back in my hands again and she slid her arms around my neck and held them there keeping me close.

My thoughts were blank, but at the same time filled with thoughts about her, about flash-forwards with her; our future. I thought about us, causing my happiness to grow even more.

"Can you stay here for the night ?" Y/N stirred in my arms, and pressed herself tighter against me, nuzzling her face just underneath my chin. Smiling to being her adorable self, I caressed her back. "Of course darling".

"Sure?" she asked again still unsure of whether I was comfortable with my decision being the kind hearted person she is, "or at least stay till I fall asleep?".

"Well that's given" I chuckled as I felt her gaze resting on my face, "pancakes in the morning?". Y/N let out a happy sigh against my chest as I nuzzled our noses together. Her eyes were sparkling, dancing with the kind of light that made you feel warm inside to see.

With my face pressed against hers, I noticed her eyes being closed in tiredness. Softly, my lips left a kiss on her forehead as I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist and moved us into her bedroom before laying her on the mattress with flushed cheeks.

I gave a sweet kiss on her lips before walking over to wardrobe to get her a change of clothes and to get mine which I kept here because I basically live with her. Y/N had always been someone I couldn't stay away from; a few moments is all it takes for me to miss her like crazy.

It was something only she could make me feel like; it was something I could only define it as love. Pure love. I was dazed into my thoughts when a thud made me turn around to see Y/N on the floor, with a sheepish smile on her face. "Shouldn't have bounced".

A cheerful fit of laughter escaped my mouth without my permission. In return, she tuck her tongue at me. "Is this what made you fall in love with me?" she chuckled nervously, while I walked closer with a big nod and sat next to her but she shyly looked down, fiddling with her fingers.

"But I'm not like other girls" her small voice sounded quietly, "I prefer to eat and sit on the computer than to party. I'm weird and awkward".

"Sweetheart" I whispered, to which she snuggled closer to me, pressing her front against my own. My lips left a kiss on her forehead to soothe her. "Oh, my angel" I murmured gently, while caressing her head with the palm of my hand to which she hummed and nuzzled her face into my chest, "I love your awkward quirky charm".

"And no you're not like other girls at all. You're way better" I cooed and turned to her lips, where I left a few kisses, "and baby girl, you are never ever alone... I'll always sit next to you while you're on the computer and eat with you till we 're both stuffed" I exclaimed in a joking kind of way, what made her giggle.

"This is me Y/N, hands out, heart open, always loving you, whether you fail or fall, just as you are" I said truthfully and pressed a kiss on her nose making her smile softly with such pure eyes that it took me aback a little.

"Please don’t ever leave me behind. I’m never going to find a person as sweet, loving, caring and patient as you. Nobody will even come close. I don’t want anyone else" I pleaded, as she cuddled into me, making herself comfortable.

Her eyes sparkled brightly, showing me her happiness as she placed a few fingers underneath my chin to invite me closer for a kiss. "I love you" she smiled against my lips, repeating the three words over and over while we lost ourselves in each other.

After we got changed to our pyjamas and quickly snuggled under the covers, Y/N buried her cute face into the crook of my neck. I chuckled, and rolled us around, so she could sleep on top of my chest, like she always did when I bunked over.

We looked at each other for a moment before I leaned in and pressed a kiss on her lips."Can I stroke your hair while you fall asleep?" I asked, with a pouty face, my hand already stroking her head tenderly. "Do you want me to fall in love with you even more?" she giggled sweetly, unable to hide her full-blown smile as she grabbed a hold of my free hand, sliding her fingers between mine.

"Only if it ends with you in my arms every night for the rest of my life" I smiled, holding her protectively against my chest and pressed my lips against her forehead to rest them there for the rest of the night, watching her eyes close with a smile resting on her lips which I would be able to kiss every morning when I wake up from now on like I've always wanted.

I craved the simplest of love with Y/N. A cold night, warm sheets and her skin against my own. Certainly, that is all I could ever ask for. Sometimes you can't explain what you see in a person. It's just the way they take you to a place where no one else can.

Never in a million years did I think I'd find someone so utterly and completely perfect, someone who would make me happier than I ever dreamed I could be, someone that would touch my life so profoundly and just give me a whole new reason to breathe. And then I found her and realised that everything I anticipated doesn't even compare to her.

We found each other in this crazy, messed up, beautiful world because we belong together, we belong in each other's arms and we are connected by more than love. For the one simple reason that Y/N is the one and only person I will ever truly want for the rest of my life.

She was life itself.

Wild and free. Wonderfully chaotic, a perfectly put together mess.