#always ending

Always Ending by Tyresta is out now.

Today is my little brother’s birthday. I had my mom pick him up a gift, and I was going to go out to eat with them. My mom told me they’d go if it was raining, because then, his baseball game would be canceled. Well, it’s not raining, so... They decided hey wanna go out to eat, anyway--maybe. Fuck that.

Being diabetic, I try to avoid overeating, so I need to know when to plan meals. I can’t be told one thing & then be expected to be fluid enough to adjust to shit at the last minute... No, and I’m not even as diabetic as I probably will be.

At least, I don’t think I’m there yet. I haven’t been feeling like myself, so I’ve been wanting to see a doctor. I finally pushed it through & got a list from the insurance company, after finding out my mom’s new doctor couldn’t see me until like April. I stopped seeing my doctor, because she neglected my mom’s issues, though the doctor hadn’t given me any other reason to stop seeing her.

I don’t wanna say I regret not going back to my doctor, though, so I won’t. I’m simply saying I didn’t feel comfortable going back to her. It’s funny how most people assume all doctors are male; that’s why I like to see women.

But, I’m open to seeing anyone. Female doctors are just my preference; I feel more comfortable with women, especially because I’m gay.

People know this about me, and I reiterated myself before the search began. I saw the list of doctors & saw this woman doctor (also a lesbian) who I’ve been wanting to see listed as accepting new patients; I put a star next to her name & another promising woman. I told my mom to try both & take the earliest time.

I was very clear, so what does she do? She tried the first doctor only, the one I wanted, and she was unavailable. My mom scheduled me an appointment with a male doctor in the same clinic... OK, I’ll give him a chance, but the appointment is more than a month away. I need to make sure my diabetes is under control, and at worst, I need antibiotics or some kinda care. 

Truly, I’m probably being dramatic, but if I end up in the hospital or something, it’s not on me. I’ve been trying to see a professional.

My Friend’s Friend texted me & said she had a favor. I kinda knew what she was gonna ask, but I didn’t wanna reveal how I knew. I took a shower & thought about it before I asked what the favor was; I know to always ask with her. I mentioned it to my Best Friend to cover my bases, and he told me she just asked him. I guess FF got tired of waiting for me--maybe a mere 30mins.

So, yeah, I was 100% right. FF wanted her new interest invited to our group. I’ve told her about applications, but she doesn’t wanna do that or doesn’t listen. She doesn’t listen. BF said he didn’t care anymore, and I signed off on it, too. I got on my game a little later & saw nobody had been invited. I waited until today & asked BF what happened; he didn’t know what I was asking at first. I asked in a somewhat awkward way, as I do, so that’s completely on me.

Anyway, BF said they decided to play a different game, and he forgot about it. No biggie, really, except FF still never got back to me, I could have told her, again, about applications to clear this all up, but nah. She wants to be difficult.

I also find it interesting that I was right all along, FF thought she could come to me first; and as soon as she didn’t get what she wanted from me within not even an hour, she thought she could just discard me. I think he does, but I really hope BF see through this. I could be difficult. I could say I don’t want her new guy in our group, but I really don’t care. I’m not that kinda person, anyway.