#also positivity

And anytime that you bring the person that broke your heart into a conversation, suddenly they rush to get through the conversation or to basically say, “get over it”. Or, if you ask them, “I wonder how my ex is doing, do you think they miss me?” Suddenly it’s the shortest conversation ever. 

I realized tonight, through tears while taking a shower, that the reason that I’ve been feeling so scared of everything, nervous/anxious, is because I don’t feel as protected as I used to feel.

When you’re in a relationship, your shielded from dealing with the worst kinds of sadness and loneliness. The sadness and loneliness that reaches your bones, because you have an extra support system to carry the sadness and loneliness of everyday life with you.

I’m realizing that what I’m feeling, is the loss of security and realizing that any emotions or things that I feel, I have to deal with on my own now.

That I am my own cheerleader, up lifter, and caregiver. 

I am treading life by myself. Again. And that it may be a while before my person that I am supposed to be with comes my way.

I get jealous sometimes when I see couples in the store that I work at. Especially the ones that are holding hands walking through the aisles to find their intimate toys, lube, etc. and I think...”Wow...I never had that.” or I go on my facebook and there are men posting about how much they love their girlfriends/wives and how beautiful they are and I think “Wow...I never had that too.”

And god it hurts. Because it makes me realize that he really didn’t love me.That he wasn’t lying. That I was unlovable despite my efforts.

There have been some pretty major things that have gone on that I was not comfortable talking about on here because it involved someone who I thought was a friend who was still following me on Tumblr at the time. Three months is a really long time to go without the ability to vent, apparently. I tried to find other outlets but I was always concerned she would see it and get more upset or take it the wrong way. I am no longer concerned about that for many different reasons.

It's weird. I almost kind of feel like nothing has changed at all, even though I lost one of the closest people I had to me. And I did lose her -- she likely has no interest in continuing to be my friend and I am no longer interested in trying to make her happy because I've realized it cannot be done unless she wants to be happy. I tried for four years and she always was complaining about something -- whether it was a legitimate one or not. And I always felt like I had to fix things to make her happier because I love her and I care about her -- yes, still present tense because I do care. I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm hurt and I feel a little betrayed but I still care. I know I don't feel as badly about this situation as she probably does. But that's not my problem, because I cannot control how she feels.

What had happened was a great misunderstanding that I should not have been involved in because in the beginning it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Yes I was her best friend and I do care about her but this was not my issue to deal with. I was not supposed to be responsible for fixing this problem. She was the one who pulled me in despite my protests, demanded that I choose a side when there were no sides to pick from, and became very angry when what I chose was not what she wanted.

Before I go any further, I would like to reiterate (or iterate for the first time, since I haven't yet) that this is just my perspective on the situation and it's been several months. I've been trying not to dwell on the details because it makes me angry and makes me feel hurt, and I don't like feeling that way.

Continuing on, when she became angry she resorted to many different tactics to change my mind for me. The choice was her or camp. And to be honest, I would never have found camp if it were not for her. Certainly not at this point in my life, since I'd somehow managed to avoid it up until now. And Camp has probably been one of the best things in my life that I cannot see myself ever not having. I understand why she was so upset about the issue that caused all of this -- I didn't before because I didn't know exactly how much of my life would be made better because of camp. And I sympathize with her. I did then, too.

However I have been told before that one of my major faults is that I do not commit. I will very often overbook myself and have to back out of plans, and I will generally pick the one that I feel will be the most fun, regardless of whether or not it's the longest standing commitment. That's just how I operate. I have been working very hard to remember that the longer-standing commitments must be the ones that I choose, but it has taken me a very long time to come to this point. Within the conversation that I had with this young woman, she asked me to back out of a commitment I had made months previously, already had plans in place for, and was already more than halfway prepared for. (well, as prepared as I could be, anyway). I told her I was unwilling to do that, and she said that because I wouldn't choose to keep to her side, I didn't love her.

I have a very big problem with people telling me how I do and do not feel. I hate being told that when I apologize for something, regardless of the situation, that I don't mean it. I hate being told that because it's a good movie I'm going to be very happy about watching it. I hate being told what to feel and when to feel it. And her telling me that I didn't love her when it most certainly was not and is not true hurt like I wasn't ready for.

I continued responding to her for quite some time, and every time a notification from her showed up on my phone or on my Facebook, my stomach sank just a little farther, and I'd get nauseas and I'd actually start shaking a little. Because I was conflicted and then I was dealing with conflict and she was both trying to get me to just talk to her and not think about the situation and also trying to get me to come back to her side. She would alternate between being apologetic and blaming me for what happened.

And eventually, after much deliberation and listening to advice from many different people around me, I decided I was done responding. Especially when she did not respect my request that she wait for me to contact her first. 

I will admit to being a huge coward. Especially in this situation. I refused to respond anymore. I would get a notification, an email, a text, and I would ignore it. It still made me nervous when I would see her name pop up, and I would still have the same reactions, but no longer was I trying to fight through those reactions to respond in a way that would try and make her feel better while still staying stalwart in my opinion and position I had taken. 

And then I went to camp. And camp was wonderful, however I did have several very low moments because I think in the back of my mind I still have the "I'm a terrible person/friend/girlfriend/human being and everyone will figure it out and be done with me unless they need something out of me" thoughts that just circle around and around. And they reared their ugly heads when I was sleep-deprived and hungry and over-stimulated and told me I was a horrible, horrible person and that I was a failure and that I would never amount to anything and any mistake I made was just one more reason for these lovely, lovely, wonderful people to leave me behind and never speak to me or want to be around me ever again.

I don't blame her. I want to, but I don't. Because she doesn't control my reactions just like I don't control hers. 

I managed to make it through the week and I only cried about half the time </attempt to be funny>. And I honestly could not have asked for better people to be around while I was having my mental breakdown.

I don't like breaking down in front of people because it means I'm a failure because I can't react with humor or stoicness or just general poise. And unfortunately I happen to be a very emotional person who lets a lot of things get to her, so I have breakdowns pretty often. But usually I can contain them and keep them away from other people. I'm a very private person who prefers to keep a lot of shit to myself, and letting other people in is VERY difficult for me. But when you're at the edge of your rope and you literally have no where to go, sometimes it just has to happen. And I'm still embarrassed that I let things get to me that much, and that other people saw that. But I don't feel completely ashamed, and I don't feel like they're going to hate me because of it.

I had heard from other sources -- unprompted -- that she had said some pretty disparaging things about me back when we were still quite close. And that hurt more than anything I had gone through up until that point. The one thing that stuck out at me was that she called me "*person's name*'s bitch". Like all I was good for was waiting for the next strong personality to pull me under their wing and that no one would want to be around me unless they could order me around.

Suddenly everything I'd ever thought about myself and felt comfortable enough with her to share with her was thrown back in my face. I know I don't have a very strong personality, and I am very passive and submissive. These are things I am very aware of but I only really share that with people who I can trust not to take advantage of that. And I worry constantly that if I am not of use to other people they will get bored of me and not want to be around me anymore. I get very anxious when, after having shown off a talent of mine or a passion that I feel I can really do something amazing in, someone comes along and is better or equal to me because if I can't be unique and special, what use have I?

I've been working on not feeling that way, but that she would say something like that about me to people who barely knew me just...it hurt. It hurt so much. Because then what if they had that impression of me and I lived up to it? Or they just didn't bother to check and see if that's how I really was because what she told them was bad enough to make them not want to get to know me at all?

Luckily this was not the case and everyone has been very accepting of me and my oddities and quirks and my boringness. Because either I'm too weird I'm boring or I'm so boring I'm weird, I've decided. And I really and truly have found my people. They get me. They understand. Even when I don't think anyone ever could understand, I bring it up and there are ten people suddenly who are like Oh thank God it's not just me! or the other way around. And we can be nerdy dorks together and I can game or observe and no one cares. I can sit in the corner and knit and all everyone is concerned about is whether or not I'm sufficiently entertained and if there's anything I would rather be doing and I'm just overwhelmed constantly with how much everyone truly loves each other in this group. 

I had a very low moment on Friday/Saturday and had somehow managed to convince myself that people will eventually leave me behind again. It always surprises me how much that thought will affect me. But what I need to remember, and continue remembering, is that they are here now. That they might one day go a different direction from me, but for now we are all headed on a similar path. And while I have split from other groups in the past and traveled alone for quite a while, I am not traveling alone now. The woods may be dark sometimes but where there are friends and a warm campfire, they don't have to be scary or impassable.

And so everything is going very well, I just have to remember that the bad things to make the good things stop. And the good things won't completely eliminate the bad things, but they will still be there when the bad things are over.