#almostlikeimfree

when i'm with you i see oceans in your eyes, my guts feel like electric palm trees, a heart of eggshells and broken promises,  you asked me to build you a monument of love and i made it of sour cream and salt, i still think about the girl who dropped out of school after her mother got cancer, about the ways in which death can creep up on you before you die, you made me learn how to bite my tongue and look away, you came for me like a bullet, nights that i wish i could write on paper and burn away, you're like a shot of heroin in my veins, i tell you that your touch ignites my skin, but i've been burning for an eternity, you set my house on fire just to rebuild it again, my heart feels like a prayer on the edge of a whisper, "i don't know what love is but it sure isn't this"

She held a frightening and beautiful ethereal quality to her,  like her spine was built on books of tales and wisdom, and her voice held the words of ancient tongues, she wore her skin like moroccan sunsets and olive oil, she was a stranger in a stranger land, a strange world of icons and pop culture and waste, but her soul was composed of spices and silk, her eyes burned like torches held by conquerors, ready to destroy, ready to build

His soul looked like the fracturing of the first stars, and he carried oceans in his wrists, I asked if I could swallow them, he tastes like chocolate and lonely bookstores, the ones on the corner with tattered edges, my laughter spills out like violets, on a lonely Tuesday, I eat clementines on the kitchen floor, he said things like, "you're going to be the death of me," and I wanted to fill the hallows of his heart, his clothes were damp with musty sadness, but his spine could electrocute my heavy bones, he tasted like chocolate and adventure, French films and cigarettes, white wine above the Seine, I look at you as fondly as the moon, it was raining and cold outside the night we met, but you lit the warmth in me

Here we lay under the same stars, knowing that distance alone cannot keep us apart.

Today was pine needles and syrup, your tongue tasted like the sun melting into the roof of my mouth, but when I swallowed, it tasted like ash, my insides have turned orange with iron, I try to fill the gaps in my chest with candle wax and clay but my heart still bleeds, I imagine you alone, I imagine you with her, I wonder if she tastes like stardust and rose petals,  when I'm at gas stations I buy yellow lighters, and yellow chapstick, my mother told me that she missed me, I told her that I was just busy, my nails are chipped with red nail polish, she told me to watch people carefully, because people don't always say what they mean, I wanted to believe you, I wanted to be loved, I know you say you care, but you never show it.

My spine is made of stones and my blood is half mercury, half nicotine, I visited your grave the other day and I could almost taste the vanilla drumstick ice cream you always ate, I haven't worn a sundress since I last saw you, it feels like a winter in my mind, my father told me that I should find a mentor, someone to guide, all I could think about was the night of salty tears, electric spines, and small wrists, the last time I saw you with wide eyes and rainbow lights, I named my palms after famous poets, this isn't a poem, this is an elegy, this is made of things I can't forget, my father's tears at my uncle's gravesite, the night's of broken glass and slammed doors, the forgiveness in the eye of a storm, this isn't a poem, this is a memoir.

Until I can hold you again, let me live comfortably in our memories; let me smell your soft fragrance and touch your smooth skin; let me see you in the glistening lights of our city at night; let me touch your soft lips and silky hair and feel your warm breath on my neck; let me breath in your laughter like it's the only air my body desires to inhale; let me laugh circles, dancing around your cluttered bedroom; let me feel the warmth in my chest when I remember you whispering my name.

If you had let me love you, you would have found nothing but milk and honey; I would have loved you with every inch of my being; The birds and trees would sing a song of joyful happiness; I would take my sun from the sky and hand it to you; The flowers in my hearts garden would bloom in your wake; I would've given you the world, to sleep in your arms; You left a girl, who was infinitely lovable, who will no longer be waiting for you to return.