#almost anon

costume anon

Helloooo Cas!

Me and my friend were planning to do a halloween costume together but I have come to find that I don’t want to do it. It would be a lot of explaining to my parents and I just don’t know how comfortable I would be with that. I have found something else I really want to do, but the problem is I’d said that I would do the costume I was going to do with a friend (Like a group costume).

I feel very torn- I don’t want them to have to switch costumes or something but also I just don’t want to that anymore. I know that I should just be the biggest person but this may be the last time I ever do halloween and I kind of don’t want to waste it on a character that I don’t really want to do.

Hi! I think it's still far enough away from Halloween that you can change your mind and not be seen as a bad person. I think you just need to say something sooner rather than later. Tell your friends that you have your heart set on a different idea, that it would be awkward with your parents, and then maybe help them come up with something else for them, or someone else to do the costume with them. I think the only way I would think of you as being a jerk is if you wait until the last second to tell them. Communicate your feelings with them and even if they're upset for a bit, they'll get over it <3

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Dead name anon

Yes, unfortunately it's very common for people to not clock abusers right away. They can be very charismatic and convincing. I'm glad you at least know now that the things he does are wrong. I'm so sorry that you had to (and still have to) deal with all of that though, and with your parents' reactions to you being trans on top of that </3

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tech bro anon

Heya!

I tried to take your advice, so I tried a different medium, and tried not to bully myself when painting, and I think it went pretty well! Obviously it’s not a masterpiece, and I’m still feeling kind of guilty for not being incredible at art, but I feel a lot better! I’m not crying from guilt which is good!

And I remembered what it’s like to be passionate about something! I don’t just want to have this as a hobby. I want to be an artist.

I know it might not work professionally, but I mean in the sense that art isn’t just a small thing I make myself do. I want to be an artist all the time, in the way I see the world, and the media/things I look at in my day-to-day life

I’ve been away from artistry and crafts cuz of depression, dissociation, etc., but I think I’m getting better. I think I can be an artist. I think I can be a good one.

—tech bro anon

Hey! it’s tech bro anon again!

Sorry for another ask but I have good news!!

I drew!! I used procreate for the first time in a while since the old iPad broke and I think I did SO GOOD!

Obviously it’s not the best but it looks good enough! I’m not the best with faces (I wasn’t using a reference since I just wanted to get back into the swing of things instead of a full on character-study)

I forgot how much I missed this!! It brought me SO MUCH JOY and I’m so happy

Thank you for reading! Byeeeee

Hi! I'm so glad you've found something that makes you feel so happy and passionate! That can make such a difference in life, and it's so hard to find! I hope you continue to enjoy it! If you ever want to send me some of your art, I'd love to see it! <3

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new name anon

hello cas :)

i have been going by one name for a while now, practically every since i came out 2 years ago. it’s only been to some friends and some of their parents, not anything legal or even anything with my school, but it’s still been my name for so long

but recently it hasn’t been feeling like it fits, it’s a very masculine name and i honestly want something more gender neutral, and i found a name that fits better that but im terrified to even tell people i might be considering a name switch

my life has included this name for so long and i really love the name and half of the time it fits me and feels right but the other half it doesn’t, and i really don’t know what to do. i hate changing it, i hate feeling like this stable part of my life is being uprooted (also if the name i pick were to be my name, i don’t like the initials so there’s that too even though that’s not a very big thing) and i am very stuck on what to do, because this name has only been really a thought in my mind for the last month or so, so i really don’t know what to do

Hi!

I think sometimes we forget that these changes aren't permanent. It's not like a surgery or anything, you know? You can try out this name, and see if it fits...and if it doesn't....change it again!

Something I suggest to a lot of people is: ask a few people you really trust to just TRY the name. Make it clear it's a possibly temporary thing. And see how it feels! If you like it, use it with more people. If you don't, tell those friends thanks for trying, but nevermind! Either way, now you know!

It's okay to try things without knowing for sure. It doesn't make you any less valid, and trying a name isn't permanent. The people who care about you will let you try it just to see, you know? You can even ask them for name suggestions, if that name doesn't end up working <3

Good luck!

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almost anon

I mean I think since you guys have kind of a messy history and since you feel you have a lot to lose, my advice would be to wait a while and see if this becomes a pattern- them favoring others over you. See how they act for a bit longer, and see if you can see any signs. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it's either that or asking them how they feel, you know? I think because of all of the factors here, it's hard to tell just by how they act.

teen angst anon

Hi! So I didn't copy/paste your update because, funnily enough, one of the places you're going- the second one?- I may be there at around the same time....I also have family who live there. Small world, right?

Anyway, it sounds like you're going to have a fun few weeks! I'm sorry about your phone, though. I had a similar thing happen where I dropped my phone in the rain and it SHATTERED. I had messages on it from some grandparents that had recently passed and it was really upsetting. I know how sad it can be to lose those things. Do you have an apple account? Sometimes you can get your text messages online and print them out!

I hope redoing your room goes well as well! <3

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almost anon

hi!! Thanks for taking the time to read this :))

I like this person and I have for a while now? I feel like I can talk to them about almost anything and I really really feel safe with them, which is big for me. Like regardless of platonic or romantic feelings, I know that they're really important to me and I wanna be around them for as long as they'll have me y'know?

But the thing is the almost. The one thing that I feel scared to talk to them abt is this thing that happened somewhat recently.

There's an activity (im not gonna say what bc they're in the marauders fandom and idk if they follow you, but if they do I'm fucked) that is really important to me, and i try to do it with all of my friends. They've refused every time I've asked them, so I was like ok maybe they're just shy and that's fair. I jokingly asked them if they wanted to do it with me at a party and they were like you know what, why not! And that was super awesome until they didn't do it at all, so I thought oh maybe they were just joking and o misread it, which does happen so thats fair! But then they were doing it with our other friend. So i asked them a bit later and they gave me some excuse, which was like ok maybe its genuine. Within a minute (and im not exaggerating bc there was a song im really familiar with playing) the other person asked them and they were so enthusiastic.

like, I want to talk to them about it but i feel like I don't really mean a lot to them after that, especially because they know what that activity means to me, so it feels like im just begging them for attention that they don't want to give me

Sorry that's like so much but thanks for reading it and if you have any advice...?

Thanks again :) ❤️

Hi!

I definitely think you have a right to feel hurt, here. That would make me feel some type of way, too. Like it makes you feel less prioritized.

However, I do wonder like....what's the activity? If it's something physical, for example, like maybe kissing, I think consent is more important and you have a lot less of a right to demand equal of it from your friend, just because they do it with someone else. That's the type of thing where consent can be withdrawn at anytime, no matter how much it sucks. But if it's like...playing a game of cards, then I feel like that makes your friend a bit more of the asshole in this situation.

I hope I'm making sense, here? If you want to inbox me and tell me what the activity is, I can always respond without copying your ask!

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dead name anon

Hey, It's dead name anon!

I do think it's similar. I came out to her when I was fifteen, and her first reaction (after telling me that it had time to change) was outing me to her family (cue a year of all of them debating my entire existence, basically). At the time I changed my pronouns and not my name, and they said that I would always be my assigned gender at birth, that I was annoying for all the labels that I have (three), that it wasn't real, that I just needed to find the right person etc.

Hey so this is queerphobic and transphobic. But we both know that.

I didn't really realise it was bad until friends got worried about it.

My father was pretty chill about it, I kind of just dropped it on him and left (just a text saying "hey, btw I'm [labels]). He didn't care much aside from trying to make a veiled threat that if he accepted me as I was, I should accept him as he is (a generally bad person).

WILD take. Not true, but absolutely wild. Did he vote for trump, perhaps?

A few years later I decided to change my name, and the only family members I told were my father and my half sister, they both genuinely made an effort (in front of me at least) and I asked them both to dead name me to my mother but not misgender me.

Cue last summer, my mother learned that I wanted to change my name legally and got angry that she didn't know it when my father did. Said that she had a right to know because she was my mother, that she wouldn't misgender me if I told her, that strangers (my father's girlfriends) knew it when she didn't, and why didn't I trust her etc.

Fuck that. Your mother doesn't have the right to know anything you don't want to tell her, as long as you're SAFE. Parents have the right to know safety info, medical info, etc. Things to take care of you. But if you don't want to come out, you don't have to.

At some point, my father and I got into an argument and we stopped talking. Next thing I know he's sending texts to my mother misgendering me and not dead naming me.

My mother basically demanded to use my name, and then outed it to her family (again). She then called me to tell me what she'd done and that most of them would still dead name me, and misgender me. The excuse being that they are too old and it's not from their generation (a lie but whatever), even though they're the kind of people that always say that one is never too old to learn and change.

This is a shit excuse. Age has nothing to do with ability to respect someone.

Last time we saw each other, I told my mother that my 'coming out' was not a good memory at all. That I did not appreciate how it all went down and that it was the main reason I didn't want to see her family (I live far away from all of them). I told her that ignorance does not excuse transphobia or queerphobia in general, and that she didn't even apologise. She said that that was how the family was, that I should accept it, that I could be worse, and that I was being dramatic. She then said that she's learned since and that her comments were not transphobic. That she thought it was a phase then, but now it's been a while so maybe it's not. And that she had nothing to apologise for because she researched it all ( not a single testimony from a queer person, and most of what she told me she read was treating queer people as lesser people).

"It could be worse" is so invalidating. She WAY being trans- and queerphobic, and her not acknowledging it just makes it so much worse.

This got really long, sorry 😅. All this to say that it probably does have something to do with my reaction. (And also that if your family doesn't accept you for who you are your friends definitely will)

I let comments throughout your ask because I have THOUGHTS ^^^

I'm glad you know you deserve respect <3 And I'm glad you have friends who respect you.

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long story short anon

Long story short: I think I might be going crazy.

Short story long: My reflection doesn't belong to me. Or something like that. If I look at a mirror I know logically that that is my face but it never seems right. I am not making any sense sorry. Last night I was at my desk and I looked up at the window and I saw my reflection and had a moment of panic because my brain jumped to thinking there was some stranger looking through my window. It only lasted a second, reason kicked in a moment later. This isn't the first time this has happened either, this is the third in the past two months. Even when it's not as dramatic as that, just looking into the mirror is always an odd experience because I know that's me but it doesn't look like me and I don't even know what "me" looks like if it isn't that.

Sorry I'm rambling. I don't even know why I came to you for this. Anyway, thoughts?

Hi!

Well, I'm not a doctor or even close to an expert. I think it kind of depends where the feeling is coming from? Like my first thought was dysphoria or dysmorphia, but there are other things that can cause this feeling, too. Do you have a doctor, therapist, or psychiatrist you can talk to? I'm not at ALL saying you're crazy, that just sounds like a very unpleasant feeling and if a doctor can help you figure out the why, then they can help you figure out how to help!

Just know that you're not the first person to experience this, though. <3

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midnights anon

Hi Cas, :]

It’s midnights anon again. Thank you for the kind words, it’s nice to know that I’m not crazy, you know? I always feel like I’m going crazy when my parents freak over things I do, like eating

The teen thing really spooked me so I went shopping with my mum. I was scared because it was basically just a ton of older teens who knew eachother/were related to eachother hanging out in a school gym… so I chickened out. I’m kind of disappointed in myself but my parents say they’re proud of me.

I went to the writers thing and wrote for over an hour straight, it was awesome! I really REALLY wanna show someone my progress and give me advice but I’ve asked like, 20 people and they never follow through. It’s kind of why I want to make new friends over this summer as well. Connections around shared interests and all that jazz

I found an app that shows all the cool local things happening in my area that I can head to and I’m really grateful for it. I never knew there was a watercolor get-together for anyone to show up to on Wednesdays, or poetry night on sundays!

I’ve been trying to follow your advice about not overthinking and stressing myself out with my existence over the summer. Trying not to force the idea of a “fixed ideal” version of me onto myself. And it’s hard, but I’m trying so I guess that counts?

I’ve been trying to be kinder, and do things that make me happy, and not just placated. And I think I’m doing good but it’s hard to feel when nobody else notices.

But I still feel so lonely. I’m kind of questioning if friendships just aren’t meant for me? I’m not gonna give up, but, I’m scared of myself because I’ve neve been myself around another person before. I’m scared Cas.

If I don’t know who I am yet then what if I don’t deserve love?

But yeah I know, it’s just the bad thoughts talking, and that it’s just my head messing with me and stuff…

Agh I don’t know what I’m saying really. I’m going crazy, I fear.

But I’ll be fine. One day I’ll be 25 years old and I’ll have an apartment, a found-family, a therapist, meds that will make the act of breathing less of a burden. I’ll be fine one day.

Thanks for reading my deranged ramblings. You’re a very welcoming person and your kindness shines through every answer to every ask people send you.

(P.S. I’m getting good at the guitar I told you about! I just ordered a capo and it’s coming soon. also, I’ve been watching Steven Universe and that show makes me feel a lot less bad about my meandering throughout my days. Steven just reads, or watches TV, or just goes out about in the world, he’s all silly and wholesome, and the show makes it a point to say that all of that is perfectly fine. Human being not human doing.

Bye bye!)

Hi!

It sounds like you're working really hard, and I'm so proud of you. You're absolutely right that someday, life will be different, and things will be better. Remember that there will be ups and downs, and to enjoy the ups, and ride out the downs.

You absolutely DO deserve love. I think it's just sometimes hard to make friends when sometimes people are very surface-level. It's hard to find people who like the same things, have the same values, want the same things...it sucks. But it IS possible, and it WILL happen.

I'm proud of you for working on the guitar and for your writing! If you ever want to send anything to me, feel free! I can't guarantee Ill be helpful, but I can be encouraging!

As far as the daydreaming from your second ask...yeah, I've been there. Could you use it to help your writing? Turn those daydreams into stories?