#almasto

Almasto, I know it is a question of life and death for you—not only for you but for everybody else too—because unless you know the art of screwing in a light bulb rightly you will never become enlightened! So I take your questions really seriously!’

The first question: How many Scotsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, ten. One to screw in the bulb and nine to share the expense.

Second: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, two. One to screw in the bulb and one to make the introductions.

Third: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, two. One to screw in the bulb and one to read the instructions.

Fourth: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, seven. One to screw the bulb and six to screw anything else that happens to come by.

Fifth: How many nuns does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, two. One to screw in the bulb and one to make sure that that’s the only thing she’s screwing.

Sixth: How many astronauts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, two. One to screw in the bulb and one to give him a countdown.

Seventh: How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, fifty thousand. One to screw it in and 49,999 to occupy the country the house is in.

Eighth: How many drunks does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, four. One to try to screw it in and three to keep the pink elephants away.

Ninth: How many Morarji Desais does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, one. But first he needs to be utterly drunk on his own heroin—ordinarily called urine—so that he can be convinced that he will save India by doing so.

Tenth: How many people does it take to screw in an Indian light bulb? Almasto, none. If it’s Indian it’s most likely screwed up already.

Eleventh: How many Gautam Buddhas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, none. Gautam the Buddha said to be a light unto yourself.

Twelfth: How many niggers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, none. Black is beautiful.

Thirteenth: How many Oshos does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, none. He persuades the bulb to screw itself in.

Almasto, here you go again! You seem to be incurable—you and your esoteric questions! Now again we have to screw in the bulbs! Okay, Almasto…

First: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, none. They are too busy trying to nationalize the bulb company.

Second: How many behaviorists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, ten. One to screw in the bulb and nine to observe his reactions.

Third: How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, one. He unchains his wife from the kitchen sink so that she can screw it in.

Fourth: How many philosophers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, twenty. One to screw it in and nineteen to decide whether or not light exists.

Fifth: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, ten. One to screw in the bulb and nine to believe that it will light up.

Sixth: How many Hindu gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, one, but he takes a million years to decide which arm to use.

Seventh: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, six. One to screw it in and five to agree how easy it is without men.

Eighth: How many homosexuals does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to see that he doesn’t get too friendly with it.

Ninth: How many popes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, none. Screwing is a sin.

Tenth: How many Protestant ministers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, two. One to screw it in and one to say, ‘And God said, ‘Let there be light!’’

And the last: How many Adams does it take to screw in a light bulb? Almasto, one, but God has to tell him not to screw it in.