#allya writes

“I’m sorry,” Ramen tries.

“I said don’t.” Kaizo’s voice is deliberately distant but even in his exhausted state Ramen can sense the trace of vulnerability.

The blond leans back and sighs. “Fine. I won’t.”

Naturally, this makes Kaizo livid.

“What the hell…” he mutters softly, then whips around to face him, not even bothering to hide the tear tracks running down his cheeks. “What the hell were you thinking.”

Ramen attempts to shrug but his arms refuse to lift. He laughs ruefully, the sound never quite making it out, then gives back into gravity. “No think, only action,” he sighs, too tired to elaborate, though he knows Kaizo understands. There was no time for thought in the heat of battle, the other knows that well.

“Your instincts are screwed up,” Kaizo shakes his head in dark amazement. “What in the universe told you to throw yourself at a death crusher was a good idea.”

Ramen doesn’t have a response to that - Kaizo does have a point. He tries to think back to the moment, what exactly was going on that provoked him to jump in front of a giant machine that could easily slice him up and roll over his pieces on the ground. His mind is so foggy he can’t recall any of it.

Kaizo is side-eyeing him, correctly concluding that the blond has nothing to say for himself, and nods. “If you were trying for certain death, I’m sorry to say I had to spoil your plans.”

“Don’t.”

Kaizo raises an eyebrow. “Then?”

Ramen sighs. “I promise you, whatever was going through my head when I saw that tank, it wasn’t that.”

“Then why?”

“I don’t know,” Ramen admits. “Maybe so you wouldn’t?”

The logic is weak, but in complete honesty, it’s probably closer than any other response would be. Kaizo is silent, and Ramen closes his eyes again, trying to ignore the searing pain of his open wounds.

When he finally speaks up again, his voice is soft. “No. I would’ve gone right after you.”

Ramen freezes, then slowly opens his eyes to make sure Kaizo isn’t joking. Not that it’s a joking matter, and Kaizo was never one to joke anyway, not even a dark remark in a tense situation. Kaizo is staring off into the distance, and Ramen wonders if he was even aware of what he just said. When he doesn’t go on, Ramen breaks the silence,

“What?”

Kaizo murmurs something under his breath that Ramen can’t hear, then he manages to make out some words “long”, “alone”, “again”. He strains, but his mind and body refuse to cooperate and provide him more context to work with.

“Kaizo…”

“You can’t just leave me like that,” the other finally snaps. “I won’t let you.”

Ramen stares at him for a few moments. “For the longest time, you wanted to be alone-”

“And then you forced your way in anyway, didn’t you?” Kaizo glares. “Now you’re leaving me alone again. What kind of sadism…” he trails off and goes back to mumbling, this time completely inaudible.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you…” Ramen speaks up.

“Guess your intentions weren’t enough,” Kaizo says bitterly.

The blond stops. As long as he’s known him, Kaizo has been stubbornly adamant on working alone. Living alone. Being alone. It doesn’t take a genius to put the pieces together and figure it’s a coping mechanism after losing far too many close people in his life. Ramen tried to fill in the gaps only for Kaizo to push him away time and time again. He knows he’ll never be enough to fill the hole. But at some point, Kaizo let him in. Now he’s almost left it again, leaving a void so big it’ll swallow Kaizo himself before it can seal over again.

Ramen would never forgive himself if he let that happen.

“I’m sorry,” he tries.

“Just don’t,” Kaizo says again.

“I was always here for you,” Ramen sighs, ignoring his body’s protests. “I made a mistake once. Never again. This time, I’m here to stay.”

“Always?” Kaizo echoes in disbelief.

Ramen internally rolls his eyes. “Why would I stay with you after a decade of coming back if I wasn’t?”

Kaizo stares. “Gosh. I’m an idiot.”

Ramen can’t help but laugh, which quickly turns into a strangled cough. He grunts, shifting to a slightly easier position to breathe, then wincing when the movement brings on another wave of agony. Kaizo watches him, expression uniquely worried, but Ramen manages to relax and the pain dulls down again.

“How long till we get to the station?” he asks, changing the topic.

Kaizo shakes his head and Ramen pauses.

“What?”

“I lost connection with the station. I can’t contact anyone.”

The blond stares at him, eyes wide. “We’re stranded.”

Kaizo bites his lip, running a glance up and down Ramen’s injuries. “Yeah, pretty much…”

Even as a high ranking official with years of experience and endurance, anyone would find themselves screwed over with wounds to this extent, let alone stranded in the middle of nowhere. Ramen can’t panic now, though more likely than not Kaizo has already been worrying for a while.

“At least you woke up,” Kaizo says quietly.

It’s a brief mental image: Kaizo, starved and exhausted, heading towards TEMPUR-A station, or maybe TAPOPS - he doesn’t even know which is closer here - alone with a corpse on board. Ramen resists the nausea that comes from the idea alone.

“I’ll be fine,” the blond promises, though it’s a weak one at best. “I’m right here.”

Kaizo nods, then shakes his head, then nods again. Ramen is confused for a moment until he sees the tears spilling out of his eyes and he ducks his head down, face crumpling.

Kaizo doesn’t let anyone see him cry. He suppresses his emotions with remarkable control and then hides, finally letting the tears overflow. In fifteen years his brother never once saw the tight grimace waver in weakness.

Ramen wasn’t supposed to see behind the facade. Kaizo still hasn’t forgiven him for it, but he can’t forgive Kaizo either, not when he tried to reach out and ease those muffled sobs only to be aggressively rebuffed.

But this time, he doesn’t turn around. He drops his head, swiping at his eyes, and Ramen aches against his limp limbs to rest a hand on his shoulder, or wrap him up in a close embrace, rubbing comforting circles into his back and reminding him he isn’t alone. Instead, he watches him from his immobile place on the sick bed, expression softened in concern for lack of the words he doesn’t have.

Miscellaneous Fandoms:

Ninjago: Zephyr - a Morro backstory fic bc the hageman bros refuse to feed me more content of my son. barely started it but yknow its there

Miraculous Ladybug/BoBoiBoy: this failed attempt at a fanginette fic bc @secretagentspydetectiveninja got me invested even tho writers block is a binch hahshs

BoBoiBoy:

kokotiam gang angst that reminded me i cannot for the life of me write emotional angst (or any angst for that matter oop)

ramenzo (and kaifang) angst that i churned out on a saturday afternoon on a writing spike instead of doing homework bc I Do Not Control the Writing Juice

au where bbb is a forest guardian(?) and fang just wants away from Society (same fang same) i will probably be yearning for woodland aus till the day i die bc who *doesnt* wanna ditch everything and go live in the middle of the woods amirite?

ramenzo n boifang water fight bc you cant convince me these idiots dont get up to ridiculous shenanigans on their downtime

abandoned draft for the sequel to the og ramenzo fic (dont bother reading it literally nothing happens i swear)

i literally don’t remember where i was going with this i think it was supposed to be fang introspection but idk??

uhh kaifang with ramenzo vibes i think this was gonna be? i genuinely don’t remember anymore oop-

RAMENZO IN QUARANTINE yes this one was regular au (i mean duh) and it’s a shame i never ended up finishing it-

i am actually goboifang t r a s h...until i realized im going to have to make all the food by myself and i never learned to make food :’)) (fr if anyone provides me with any kind of fanon gbf content i will love you forever pls)

this...exists even tho i honestly prefer it didnt but ramenzo is ramenzo n ramen has freckles i will fite u on this (dont read it pls)

if anyone wants ramenzo crumbs (and i mean that quite practically) then feel free to consume the Specks

dont read this pls im begging just dont lets yeet it into the void it doesnt exist~ I Do Not See It

update: i discovered this uhh kaifang post-bora ra incident thing in my other drive

Miraculous Ladybug:

okay forewarning there are wayyyy too many of these so im skipping the ones that are sequels/dependent on other fics for context just to spare myself from having to sort through this mountain

i was planning to participate in chlonath week 2k19 (unfortunately for chlonath nation I Do Not Control the Hyperfixation oop) if you want context then ask

marcnath crumbs thats it thats the doc

oh look allya is self projecting again (writing is still pain) (marcnath)

for the one who requested chloenette with the dialogue prompt i am so sorry

idk why this feels like something ive posted before but then again all lovesquare is the same to me (dead) so who knows im not gonna bother checking hshsh (marichat)

chlonath go to comic con or sth idk chloe is tsundere as always (or would have been anyway if i ever ended up Finishing this)

i *think* this was based on a @terrible-miraculous-ladybug-aus post but heck if i remember now- (lukanette??)

i have absolutely no recollection as to where i was going with this but if anyone finds the concept interesting then by all means go ahead n snatch it- (manon finds the miraculous i guess?)

this is a great. opening. to a chloe fic. that doesnt exist. oof :,)

caline bustier’s home for orphans amirite (i mean she basically already adopted the whole class so)

im genuinely not a fan of the jealous!lover trope but someone in the marcnath server wanted some at one point so i. attempted. and failed but you know thats to be expected at this point :’3

oh look allya is projecting her writing struggles onto marc again is anyone surprised?

theres probably a museum brotp story in here but it doesnt exist and at this point it never will rip

oh good lord not this again i genuinely managed to forget about it for a while until now-

i just read the first line and im already reeling what the heck is this nathanette(??)

WHY IS THERE MARICHAT IN MY WIP FOLDER WHAT

allya stop projecting onto emo weebs challenge failed

i really wanna know where the context for chlonath skiing trip came from i literally have 0 recollection of this at all??

YO I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THE CONTEXT FOR THIS ONE anyway nath n aroace!alix arranged marriage au anyone?? well too bad cause i abandoned it oop-

ahahahahahahaha wdym i wrote 7k of chlonath and then ditched it i would never do that lmao-

i think this was a hunger games au uh

something something marcnath

marcnath angst i guess? *allya pls stop trying to write angst we’ve already established that is not a thing you can do*

something something chlonath

im never gonna forgive @powerdragonmoon for the fact that i thought “beecock” while glancing over this to figure out wth was going on. cholaon works here too tho so that is what i shall call it //sideways glare at moon

take your otp. now put them on a trampoline. but heaven forbid you ever finish the fic- (chlonath if it wasnt obvious)

nathanette doll au from forever ago with @lotus-duckies that was a real concept its a shame i have 0 commitment

i wanna call this lukanathanette but i honestly don’t remember where i was going with it so idk

hi uhm what is this and why is it so depressing allya fr quit self projecting on emo tomatoes oml

chlonath established relationship i guess??

museum brotp go skating?? is that what this is?

how much chlonath do i hAVE also chloe u tsundere

nathaniel is Yearning n tbh i dont blame him cause same (ft. marc)

i could swear this was gonna be luklonath (chlolukanath??) but i wouldnt be able to remember-

if anyone can figure out what’s going on with marc pls tell me bc i dont-

cholaon but theres no context