#allthingsmslowpan

I seriously do not like this side of me but I am so pushed beyond my limit. I will watch your world go in flames while I stand with the gas in my hand.

My goals and priorities are different from everyone else's. I don't want a family. That time has passed for me and I mourned the part of me that will never be fully maternal. I don't want to "settle down" and buy a home and do all the things that "adults" do. I want to just be free. I want to do everything I possibly can to make myself happy. I do a lot of fucked up stuff I will admit that but my life has never been more complete than it is now. Yes I maybe struggling with a job but I have a job! I live in my own home and drive my own car and thats probably the best thing I can ever ask for. I don't travel as often as I like but when I do its always the best time of my life. I suffered so much in my life and it just came to a point where I just don't give a fuck and I will not apologize anymore because it is MY life. I love God but we have such a rocky relationship. No matter what though he will always move me to tears. I am in no way perfect and I really don't try to be. I march to the beat of my own drum. If I want to sing and dance I will sing and dance. I will cry in the grocery store because my thoughts go to Fatlouie the closest I ever got to having a baby. I want love in anyway that I can get it. I want every night to be clear so I can see the stars. I just want to breath.

Lowpan

Man o man I hate being sick and just not being able to do anything. I hate for people judging me for being this way. I only wish they knew or even tried to understand as friends or relatives. I really dislike the bitch who hit my brand new car because she decided not to look where she was driving and ended up running the stop sign. My body rejected the nose ring I always wanted finally got myself. I also realized blue hair doesn't suit me....neither does pink, purple, grey, rainbow etc. Oh but on the bright side I have a job and I got my car back. I learned to live awesomely on my good days and do whatever the fuck I want. I did some traveling this year which ain't so bad. I gained so much knowledge with my love for reading. I would rather this year ended though. No promises of anything different next year. No promises of a better new me. No promises of any kind. I am just hoping for a better tomorrow.

Life has been good to me. I maybe in extreme amounts of pain some days but I can still do much. Being in a constant state of sickness and trying to just pull through is super tough. Apparently God doesn't give you what you can't handle but I think he forgot to check on me lately. Life is still so good to me. I have done and seen more than most in the world. This oh so short life is not even half way done. Depression may sink in and opportunities maybe missed but all things must go on.

I dont know if this is normal or not. I dont know how I can be on an extreme high and then hit rock bottom low. Self destructive I know. I have this great sadness come over me and it is uncontrollable. How should I handle myself? How should I try? Sadness and sorrow, sorrow and sadness. Wallowing in self pity. Deep in the depths of darkness Deep in the depths below I scratch and scream I freak in my dreams Frustration Complete bliss Why am I confused? What is wrong? What is wrong with me?

I just want to turn on the water Let it flow free all the way down Wash away all those worthless years When I said hey baby lets be together forever You said no way in hell never Didnt even give me a reason why Was it something I never seen Or something I never been for you? You left me a lot of problems and didnt bother to help solve them What was I to do? What the fuck did I do? I just want to turn on the water Let it flow free all the way down Wash away all those worthless years I feel like I fucken lost it Almost like I came out of the closet But that would be nothing to you Was it all worth it, to leave me all alone and deserted I didnt deserve that from you There are all these broken promises My mind is so confused The next time I going to turn on  the hot water, let it flow free and burn all the way down to wash away all those dirty, worthless years....

Or that the fact that I pretend I don’t even mind....