Jackie

It had been 11 days since Jackie’d been dumped, but who’s counting? It took her 3 days to realize having Kitty’s stuff randomly pop up would just be another source of hurt, but it also took her another 7 to realize staring at a box marked ‘Her Shit’ wasn’t helpful either. In the same instance that realization came to her mind, Jackie picked up her phone and sent the text. The whole exchange sort of felt to her like their relationship did, a lot of the time, Jackie giving a section of her feelings and Kitty returning very little. Fuck, why did it hurt when it’s clear the blonde hadn’t ever really wanted to be with her? How could she have not seen it the whole time? 

 The painful text exchange was followed by some gossip crap, more tearing Jackie down of course,  because even when she wasn’t doing anything wrong she was still the one to get shat on right? Fuck that day and everyone enjoying it to be honest. Luckily Jackie had dinner with Kate, who’d also experienced a bit of unfair prodding, and two large bottles of wine to share, … well Jackie drank a bottle and a half, her day had obviously been slightly more difficult… right? At the end of the night Jackie made sure Kate got in safe and headed for a bar. And okay when she invited herself to Reggie’s later that night it wasn’t a complete lie when she said she’d walked around the city. She totally walked across the street to get to the bar from her Uber, and she was in fact in NYC, so not a lie.

That morning she woke up in Reggie’s apartment with a bitch of a headache and had to call into work. Chose to, she chose to call in and have someone cover her class. She woke up again an hour later with the realization of an impending exchange causing her head to throb even more. “Fuck!” She looked at her phone a message from Kitty confirming their meetup, then at Reggie her sleep snuggle hostage, before quietly sliding out of bed and tiptoeing out of the apartment. Jackie quickly, as quickly as a very hungover person could, went home brushed her teeth, washed her face, grabbed the box and was out… after another quick nap. When she finally made it to Kitty’s apartment it was 15 past 1. Maybe being late was a good thing. Kitty probably made plans after and would need to hurry this along, a quick handoff. Jackie knocked softly, adjusted the box in her arms,  then the giant sunglasses on her face and just waited quietly.

Kitty

Breakups were weird. True, Kitty didn’t have a ton of experience with them, this being her first real relationship and all, but she’d had her fair share of endings in her 23 years and she could say from experience they were always weird. They sucked. Even when it felt like it was for the best. Which this one was, she was sure. When they’d started this thing up again for real they’d been good for each other, they’d been happy, and secure, and solid but things had changed like they always did. Kitty could list all the instances that had put doubts in her mind -- the lack of trust, the possessive streak -- but if Kitty were being honest (and wasn’t it time for her to be honest if with no one but herself?) she’d been phoning it in for the last few months. And Marley was right, she deserved better than that. They both did. None of that made her decision any easier, mind you, but it had made it necessary. 

 Now she could breathe again. 

 Sort of. There was still the nagging guilt that came with hurting someone you still love --  because nobody ever told you that falling out of love doesn’t mean you stop caring. And she did still care! It was why she played the part of the heartless asshole to make things easier for Jackie and why she’d packed up all of Jackie’s things and put them in the front closet before Lara came over for Jeopardy and Chill the night before. It was also why she was wearing sweats and no make-up when she answered the door at 1:15 Saturday afternoon. She wasn't trying to win this breakup she was just trying to live her life so why not give Jackie the satisfaction of seeing her at her worst, right? She kept her expression neutral as she opened the door, not wanting to give much of her inner turmoil away. “Hey…”

Jackie

As soon as the door opened Jackie realized she’d been holding her breath. “Hey...” It seemed like no time had passed since she’d seen Kitty last, yet simultaneously it seemed like it had been forever. She wouldn’t look at her for too long, she couldn’t.  She wanted to scream, ‘you were never in this why did we even do this’ , but she didn’t. Instead she took a deep breath. “So yeah, got my stuff KitKa- ... Kitty?” This was it, this was the actual end. Another on the growing list of ends. “I packed up everything I could find around my place so we should be good after this.” She held out the box. ‘Take it and go, please’, that’s all she could think. Jackie didn’t want to be here, she didn’t want to be where Kitty was, interacting with her. Because Kitty hurt her, but the blonde was fine, outside of the pity for poor poor downgrade Jackie. How was that fair? Mary Katherine was in her face proof of what she’d known her entire life about herself. “We’re good, right?”

Kitty

Yep. Breakups officially sucked. And seeing Jackie, like actually seeing her, made it worse. The guilt, the pit in her stomach, the reality of their new normal -- all of it, so much worse. She realized then why she’d made the coward move and ended things over a text, because seeing her like this hurt. It was so much easier to be fine from a distance. Shit. She really hadn’t thought this all through. She should have asked Nicola or Lola to do the drop off instead. It probably would have been easier for everyone, but there was part of her that knew she owed Jackie at least this much. 

 So, she took the box, trying not to think too hard about what Jackie constituted as ‘hers’ after eight months of their lives together. Christ. She was not looking forward to going through it later. “Thanks,” she said, her voice quiet and subdued as she placed the box on the ground beside her. Wincing, Kitty turned to the hall closet to grab the box she’d placed Jackie’s things in. She was Kitty now. Not KitKat. Probably the only person in New York City Jackie didn’t have a cute nickname for anymore and that stung too, but she deserved it. “Here,” she said, waiting for Jackie to take the box she held awkwardly with one arm. “Yeah, I think that’s everything.” It was all so uncomfortable. Robotic almost. She wished she’d booked some trivia time with Lara for that evening, because she knew she’d certainly need a distraction after. 

 Kitty scratched the back of her neck with her free hand, a nervous habit, when she realized she’d forgotten something. Fuck. Her hand moved to her chest where the necklace Jackie had given her -- the one she’d worn every day since Jackie had given it to her, the one she’d taken off eleven days ago -- usually sat. “Oh, the necklace! I -- I mean, you should have it, I’m sure it cost a lot of money…”

Jackie

Kitty walked away and Jackie finally looked up longer than a moment and took a deep breath. This was fine, short and sweet, and she’d be out. But then Jackie saw the box, she didn’t want a box. She wanted two things. She Should have specified that everything else could have been burned. She didn’t want clothes that might smell like Kitty, she didn’t want any reminders really, it’s just that was her favorite God Damn blanket, and it took her forever to find that signed book of poetry she wasn’t losing them too over the other woman’s decision. An entire box though, was a big ‘I may have wasted nearly a /YEAR/ of my life loving someone who didn’t love me back.’ stamp. Fuck if she’d ever do this again. 

 The ache that shot through her when she took the box from Kitty’s hands almost took her out, it was something so emotionally painful it manifested itself into something physical. But then… it seemed to Jackie as if Kitty went, ‘You think that’s painful, Bitch, hold my beer.’ That necklace. It was a gift that Jackie was at the time proud to give. Something she knew the other woman would love and always have… always. What did that even mean? It didn’t even cross her mind that she would want to give it back.

“Really? Did I ask for the necklace? I asked for two damn things. It’s your necklace. I don’t want that shit… Fuck, do you hate me or something? What did I do to you? I mean you were tired of the charade of being with me, got it, but I really never meant anything to you did I? Just some placeholder.” Jackie took a step back and dropped the box at her own feet. “I fucking loved you. And you played me and now you’re just rubbing the shit in right?” Jackie just stared at the blonde, fuming and broken. Tears began to fall as she bent down and opened the box, rummaging through she found the book and then grabbed the blanket. “How about you do this, be that good ol’ Christian you’re so proud of being, pawn it and donate the money.” She didn’t need this shit. Jackie didn’t want to cry in front of her. She wasn’t some piece of shit to be pitied and that’s what was going to happen or Kitty would laugh about it with whoever she found her ‘happy’ with.

Kitty

She knew she’d made a mistake the second the words left her mouth, but it was too late. Another reminder of why these things were easier when done via text message -- it allowed a person the time to edit that face to face interactions were severely lacking. It was funny, in the kind of way that wasn’t funny at-fucking-all because hadn’t she just answered an ask that morning about being a good person? And in that moment she was sure she’d been right, she might look good on the outside but inside… she was all bad. What had she been thinking? She hadn’t, that was the problem. Kitty had wanted to make things easier for Jackie but the reality was she’d done it to ease her own guilt. She had always known she was selfish, but this felt like a new low. 

 “I didn’t -- It’s not like that! I just thought --” What? That Jackie might want to see it for a few bucks? That she’d want it back to hurt her?  Or had she just wanted to get rid of it to make herself feel better? So she wouldn’t have to hurt every time she looked at it? She deserved this, she knew it. 

She deserved to hurt. But fuck, did Jackie really think so lowly of her? Five year’s they’d been going at this -- off and on and off again -- Jackie knew her better than most other people, did she really think she didn’t care at all?“Stop! Just -- stop saying that! Of course you meant something to me Jay.” A beat, her own tears forming in her eyes. “I loved you too. You were the first woman I ever loved. I --” There was a moment where she considered shutting down again, Jackie for sure didn’t want to hear it anyway, she’d already made up her mind, but there was something inside of her that said fuck it. “I wanted this to work. I really thought… if I could it work with anybody it would be you, so…” She shrugged a shoulder, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “Who knows, maybe this was my one shot at happy and I fucked it up. Whatever, that’s on me, but don’t say that. I might have been shit at it, but I did love you.”

Jackie

Kitty began to speak and Jackie just rolled her eyes, sure more pity for her would come. She just wanted this done and over. This was too hard and it hurt too bad and she really needed a drink. Jackie listened, though she just wanted to walk away. She was compelled by the sound of Kitty’s voice, but she was definitely preparing to yell. Jackie pursed her lips, gaze finally once again landing on the blonde; this was about to be some bullshit. But then… tears. Fuck everything. She couldn’t handle Kitty’s tears. And the words kept coming: meant, loved, wanted, all passed tense, all hitting Jackie like a dagger, but still those tears.

Jackie hugged the book and blanket tightly to her body in one arm as she stepped closer. Her steps tentative and her breaths even, as she temporarily pushed the anger aside, because those tears killed her more than she could ever admit. She raised her free hand and gently wiped away a stray tear from Kitty’s cheek. With a hushed and calm voice Jackie spoke. “I love you, KitKat. I don’t know what’s up or down right now, because you broke me, but I love you and that won’t ever change, that I know for sure. I knew you’d leave. I’m pretty sure I told you you’d leave, and you told me to stop thinking like that...” She stepped away from the other averting her eyes. “I guess I should of kept thinking that instead of letting myself fall even more. You’re gonna be alright, Mary Katherine. You’re very lovable.” Tears began to fall from Jackie’s already swollen eyes. Of course Kitty was going to be fine. She was going to move on but Jackie on the other hand…  “I love you, but I really don’t know what to believe from you anymore. I don’t trust you. You broke up with me because you Loved me, but don’t anymore? You wanted it to work but don’t anymore? I meant something to you ... and I don’t anymore? That shit didn’t happen last week, Kitty! You fucking lied to me for God knows how long. You were just there watching me love you while you just wanted out. Instead of coming to me when you started to question things, so maybe we could have worked this shit out, you said nothing until it got this bad…” Jackie sniffled and shook her head angrily. “I fucking love you forever but right now I don’t like you at all…” She suddenly got figedy. She needed out of there.(edited)

Kitty

Kitty didn’t deserve compassion, not from Jackie anyway, she got that. In fact, she’d fully expected her ex to walk away before she’d even had a chance to defend herself and Kitty wouldn’t have blamed her. Were she in Jackie’s shoes, she’d definitely had done worse. A lot worse. 

 Not Jackie though. Jackie stayed all the way through her speech and wiped her tears, and still loved her even though she didn’t like her and somehow that was all so much worse. That was why she’d pushed her out, wasn’t it? Not to protect her herself but to push Jackie’s buttons. Kitty wanted Jackie to hate her -- to be petty and cruel or throw her under the bus, because that would make the whole break up thing so much easier on her. How fucked up was that? Wanting Jackie to stoop to her level so she had an out that made sense. What kind of person walked away from somebody that loved her? 

 Kitty didn’t wipe Jackie’s tears or give her shoulder a comforting squeeze instead, keeping her hands clutched in front of her. “I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know until I --” ended things, she didn’t think that needed saying. “I know that probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but it’s the truth. I think -- I don’t know -- maybe there’s too much history between us, you know? Too many old hurts we never dealt with. But I…” The next part felt harder almost, it was so fucking cliche, but maybe it was one for a reason. “I want us to be friends. Like eventually, obviously. When you… like me again or whatever.”

Jackie