#all this time...

My blood-work results came back

Turns out I have a vitamin D deficiency

And I'm anemic

Which means three pills a day, not including the depression/anxiety meds we still need to work out

And I can't swallow pills with water

And I can't have dairy with my iron supplements

So if you ever need applesauce we'll probably be stocked up for the next three months at least

[...]

I learned by observing. And I very soon clocked that a pretty person = imagining having sex with them. So naturally at some point, I tried it myself. I think you are starting to see the issue here. I thought about the first attractive person that came to mind, probably a celebrity, and I sort of built up this image of two people in bed on top of each other and plastered faces on them. AND I SHUDDERED AT THE THOUGHT. I was like "What the hell even is that? No, I cannot imagine doing that with them! They are married and probably have children! No!"

But I did continue to do it with other people who were generally considered "hot". It was sort of like trying on clothes and trying to find the perfect one. I was literally looking, searching for my sexual attraction. It's gotten to the point that I sometimes really don't control it.

I need to stop though, now that I know that I don't have to. Because I obviously keep doing it, all the time, at this point almost without thinking. But it still retained the mechanism. Like I said, the main difference (which I learned like last month) is that other people just feel it. I have to look for it.

The same way people naturally feel sad when someone dies or feel happy when they have, I don't know, passed a test. For me, I had to consciously imagine "Oh, handsome person. What if I had sex with them?"

Like when you hear sad or happy news, you don't take a conscious decision "I should be sad now" and you start crying, or "I should be happy at this" and start smiling. Like no, it’s a thing we do without thinking.

And apparently it's the same with desire. For most people in any case.

Like if you look at it the "Inside out" way, it's like an alarm going off inside their head and an image of sex pops up on the big screen, while the little people behind the console stare at it like hypnotised. For me it's a button under a glass case in a drawer that I have to get to first. And then all the emotions look at the picture displayed and they're like "thank you, next."

Yes, I do still entertain the idea of having sex one day, as an expression of love between partners. I even get excited thinking of the sensation. Like my body goes "I need to be touched NOW" and I'm like "woah chill out, we're trying to sleep here."

But like it's never been directed at or caused by another person.

And it feels like everyone came with a premagnetized piece of metal to help them look for a partner, while I got plastic. I point it at people and it doesn't react. I am capable of recognising someone is attractive. But it's just a quality to me. It's sort of devoid of its meaning.