#alingpoleng

Sanay nakong iniiwan; at wala rin akong habit na maghabol kahit kailan. Mas gusto ko pang patayin ang sarili ko sa kalungkutan kesa humabol sa nang-iwan. Ganun lang din kasi naman. Malungkot pa rin. Masakit pa rin. Mag-eeffort pa ba ko kung kahit di ako humabol, masasaktan pa rin ako?

I just promised not to think about you again; to never look at you whenever I pass by that busy street; to stop wishing you're mine and to stop liking you like I always do ever since I saw you again after years. And then, just a minute ago, I watched your video. You're dancing in the background of four other guys but it seems like you're the only one in there. I locked my eyes on you; still mesmerized with you like its the first time. The next thing I know, the pieces of my promise is scattered on my face.

Nagising ako mula sa idlip kanina sa sala. Nakita ko nakaupo si K~ sa may ulunan ko; umupo ako sa tabi nya tas sabi nya, "naalala mo ung sa Sta. Lucia East?," nakatingin lang ako sa kanya tapos sabi ko, "ha? Anong sinasabi mo?" Nagtataka ko kung bakit sya nasa bahay namin. Humiga ulit ako sa sofa, yumakap sa unan at natulog ulit. Parang naalimpungatan lang. Nagising ulit ako, nakita ko sya naglalakad papunta sa kusina, Topless. :""""> pero nakatalikod sya. :3 Nag-online ako tapos nag status sa facebook: "akala ko panaginip, totoo pala." Syempre ang tinutukoy ko yung kay K~ akala ko kasi panaginip lang yung kanina na andito sya sa bahay, totoo pala. :'") tapos humiga ulit ako sa sofa, yumakap sa unan at sa cap nya. Oo alam ko kanya ung nakapatong na cap sa sofa. Niyakap ko din yun at natulog. Nararamdaman ko na pinapanood nya ko habang natutulog. Nung nagising ako, paalis na sya ng bahay. Hinabol ko sya sa may gate. Sabi ko, "bakit ka ba andito?" "Wala lang." Sagot nya. "Aalis ka na?" Tumango lang sya. Tapos tinanong ko, "kilala mo ba ko?" Sabi nya, hindi daw. "Eh bakit ka andito?" Tanong ko ulit. Ngumiti nalang sya. Sinuot ko sa kanya yung cap nya. Nung tumalikod na sya, naiyak ako. Gusto ko syang pigilan. Bago pa nya buksan ung gate niyakap ko sya mula sa likod. Mahigpit na mahigpit. Ayoko syang pakawalan. Pinipilit ko din na wag nya marining ung iyak ko. Tapos sabi ko, "sorry. . . Sorry talaga." Sorry ako ng sorry habang humihikbi. Hindi na sya nagsasalita. Walang reaksyon. Tapos kusa ko na rin syang binitiwan. Hindi ko na sya pinanuod na lumabas ng gate, pero naiwan akong nakatayo doon. Sa peripheral view ko, nakita kong lumingon sya. Pero hindi ko na sya matignan. Lumakad na sya palayo. Bumalik ulit ako sa sofa at natulog. Tanghali na nung nagising ako, sa sofa pa rin. Pero panaginip lang pala talaga ang lahat. Panaginip lang ang lahat. ///3

Kahit gaano pa kasinungaling o katotoo yung sinasabi sayo, pipiliin mo parin yung parteng paniniwalaan mo.

I had this conversation with my granny one of the afternoons few weeks ago. She told me that two of our former maids are now pregnant; Ate L~ who resigned from her work because of her pregnancy & Ate R~ with her 6th baby. Well you don’t know know them so I guess its fine to drop their initials. The one who referred them to us, Ate (I forgot her name) just gave birth on her 8th baby. The woman who regularly sell and deliver us eggs is also pregnant and its her 7th child. This is not about pregnancy; this is about social situation and condition.  All of them live in a place that is not quite different from a slum area. Most of them rarely have electricity at home and their educational attainment is not enough to allow them have better jobs.  The woman who referred our former maids to us have two daughters who age the same as I am, and now working as a housekeeper somewhere. Her children is working, instead of going to school. I do understand why they have to do this, it is because of their situation. And now that their mom just gave birth on their 8th sibling, how much more struggle they’d face now? Every baby is a blessing; but come on people. This is reality. Don’t they even think of the future? Gran said that when the evening comes to where they live, in the glimpse of darkness of the night, they have nothing else to do but to do it. Make love, if the you know what I mean. Is it because they do not have electricity? That ‘making love’ is their only form of entertainment? I always joke about this but somehow it is true. Or maybe an escape to the reality of poverty they’re drown in? If the latter part is the answer then maybe, they should’ve realized that the impact of doing this is doubled; literally and figuratively. I can’t blame them either ‘cause I am not the one who suffers the same thing. I do not know how hard everyday survival for them is like. But my primary concern is the children, their future and what is waiting for them after being born in such depressing area. That instead of going to school, they have to do labor not just for themselves but for the entire family. That instead of playing; poverty has taken away their youth. What will happen to them? I sounded so pessimistic but that is just how I see it. This isn’t just the government’s fault but also the parents’. I’m sorry, I just have to say it. I know no parent would ever want their kids to suffer but the thing is that they should’ve seen it coming, the hardship, because in fact, its already there and it is getting worst. To the children and up coming babies of Ate L~ and Ate R~ and to every young child born in the same situation; I still hope that they’d be the luck that their family have been waiting for. I wish that the future will not be so mean to them. That conversation with my gran is an early warning for the life that is waiting ahead if ever I choose to make the wrong decisions. I would never let anyone and anything abuse and steal the youth to my kids in the future. I’d never give them reasons to wish that they should’ve not been born.