#alicetheintern

To: [email protected]; [email protected]; [email protected] ; [email protected] ; [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Lunch?

Alright everybody, we're still doing lunch at the Night Vale Shish Kebab House for a gossip session right? Cause I'm not risking my skin going outside unless this is actually happening. Plus, I think there's been a few nice developments between James and Don that I want to share~

-Matt

Oh, my gosh. Okay. You didn’t hear this from me.

But.

James told me he has a crush— a CRUSH!— on Don.

And Don told me he’s “Interested. And attracted.” 

How. Adorable. Are. They?

Alice, I’m back! Alice! Alice! Alice, I’m back! 

Lost it? Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. [ he sighs ]

Well, Alice, the point is that you made an effort. And you didn’t actually come into contact with the flesh-eating bacteria, so there’s that to be thankful for as well. Carlos will have to wait on that, I suppose. 

Alright, so Alice the intern asked for a few tips working at the station, and sadly a computer virus came to life and devoured what I had down. After a brief visit to Q to help me out and get my computer back in top shape, I am able to put down this:

1) DO NOT ANGER/MESS WITH STATION MANAGEMENT. (Last time that happened it took three months to remove the various mysterious substances from the tiles and walls. Please don’t.)

2) Not everything is as it seems around here, keep that in mind. Tread carefully, pray to whatever deities you believe in that today won’t be your last day, and have a weapon at home/stashed away?

Yeah, you might want to keep that on you and train with it if you’re rusty.

3) DO NOT TAKE MY LUNCH OR ANYTHING WITH MY NAME ON IT FROM THE FRIDGE.

(Those bear traps and mouse traps you see? Yeah, not decoration. Plus you need as many fingers/appendages as you can if you hope to cling to life as long as you can.)

4) No matter how curious you get, don’t give Khoshek cat nip. No, not even to see what happens. Last time that occured, it wasn’t pretty.

5) Fire is good. Fire cleanses nasty things away, and looks pretty awesome. Use as a last resort, unless there were no first resorts to begin with. Then burn as needed. (No,fellow interns unless malevolent in nature should not be set on fire. Looking at you, you little pyro that set my last laptop on fire. I know you did it, and yes I was responsible for that badger in your bed.)

6) Judge situations to the best of your ability. If it means loosing your hat/soul/something very valuable to yourself that you need in the long run, then you might want to book it quick. Yes, limbs and organs count.

7) Don’t get too close to that plant in the lobby, you know, that venus flytrap? Yeah, it happens to have a taste for intern flesh by now.

8) Watch where you step. Be careful who or what you step on. Remember we are an equal opportunity employer, and yes the pixies do count. (The pygmies in the basement/storage room don’t, because they are a pest infestation and not employed by the station.)

9) Try to play nice with the fellow interns. We can die at any second, and might as well try to make a potential last second pleasant as possible yeah?

(I may be the oldest intern, but don’t expect me to be a responsible adult and play mediator. Got an issue? Take it out of the fucking station, and then duke it out. Otherwise I’ll have to start slamming heads into walls again, and I hate doing that. We are a professional work place, for deities sake.)

10) Please fill out paperwork with the correct sigils,ominous chants, etc and so on for whatever is required. Unsure what’s needed? There’s a paper on the bulletin board in the breakroom with the usual suspects, just ignore the odd glowing stain and various dark splotches and fungus on it. Otherwise whisper into the eyesocket of the plastic/styrofoam skull sitting on top of the filing cabinet, and it should give you the answer.

11) If you survive the week, I may or may not be at Big Rico’s Friday night mixing drinks to celebrate. Depends on the general mood of it all,and if he has the wheat-free stuff by then. (Ah, what’s this bottle in my bottom drawer? Nothing, just some soda. Not normal alcohol whatsoever, what are you talking about?)

…Aaaand that seems about it for now. If anything else comes up, or someone wants me to add something, I’ll fix this list later.