#alice002

When the Gryffindors had Quidditch practice, it had the unfortunate effect of leaving Lily without her usual contingent of Common Room company.  James, Sirius, and Marlene all tramped off to practice and Lily usually made use of the time to get school work done, but she was feeling to restless for that, today.  He mind had been running on overdrive ever since she and James had fought and, even though the fight was long over, the aftershocks kept her mind reeling.  

So instead of trying in vain to focus on the origins of non-verbal spells, Lily sent a short note to Alice, whom she hadn’t seen properly in at least a week.  Lily wasn’t he only Quidditch widow left behind by the Gryffindor team, after all.  She changed out of her uniform and into something more comfortable - the muggle raised witch never got used to robes instead of jeans - and made her way down to the courtyard.  “Well no wonder I’m late,” she said as she walked out into the cool light of the September afternoon, an Alice in Wonderland quote on her lips as always.  “This watch is two days slow!” 

Alice had received Lily’s note as she she laid curled up on her bed in Ravenclaw Tower. She hadn’t been around to see anyone since she had gotten into her argument with Frank- her heart just wasn’t in to speaking with anyone. But when Lily went out of her way to contact Alice, she realized that it would be rude to not acknowledge the note and talk to her.

Alice was waiting for Lily in the courtyard, her robes wrapped around her in an attempt to stay warm- it wasn’t exactly frigid out, but Alice seemed to be lsing body heat rapidly these days. Her head was buried in her book until the familiar voice of Lily Evans filled her ears, and normally Alice would respond with another line from the book after which most assumed she was named. Instead, she looked up at the girl with a smile that was slightly watery and didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Hi, Lily.”

Lily had known there was something off with Frank and Alice - considering she was in most classes with Frank and had been watching him mope around like someone had kicked his puppy for days - but she hadn’t thought they very serious. Not until she saw the tell tale glisten in Alice’s eyes and that turn of lips that hardly constituted a smile.   “Alice,” she breathed as her own smile faded and she crossed the distance to pull her dear friend into her arms.  “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

The moment that Lily’s arms had wrapped around the girl- she had become undone. The lump in her throat dissolved as tears upon tears began pouring down her face. Alice buried her face in the crook between Lily’s shoulder and her chest and she sobbed for several minutes, her body forcing her to take in air in heaving gasps for breath. “He- F-Frank doesn’t w-w-want to be my friend.” When she verbalized it, it sounded immature and stupid, but it didn’t stop Alice from clutching onto Lily as she told her.

When Lily had imagined something wrong between Frank and Alice, she had pictured some stupid spat over something small and inconsequential, she’d never imagined the sobbing girl she held now, or the stuttered words that fell from her lips.  “Whaat?” she asked, disbelief clear in her voice as the words reached her ears.  Lily held Alice even tighter, slowly backing to one of the benches and pulling Alice down with her, the easier to hug and to cry.  “Oh, darling.  Shhhh.”  The sound was a soothing one, not meant to shush but to calm frazzled nerves.  “What happened?” 

Alice continued her crying into Lily’s sweater, the guilt for ruining it with saltwater being outweighed by the sadness in her heart. It took several minutes for the crying to slow, but eventually Alice was able to speak. “I- I did something and I guess it made Frank angry, and he just started spouting that I didn’t know him, and that he was tired of trying and that he just couldn’t do it anymore, and by it he meant be my friend.” Remembering the whole scenario just prompted a fresh wave of tears, one which Alice attempted to bit back, but failed doing so.

Lily didn’t try to rush her along or stem the tears, she simply held her friend while she cried all she needed too.  Her body rocked lightly out of habit, something her mother was known to do when Lily herself was upset and that Lily employed now to calm the blonde witch in her arms. The things Alice relayed, well, they simply didn’t’ seem like Frank.   Not that Lily didn’t believe the story, she was just sure that there was more to it.  “I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” she soothed, running a hand over Alice’s hair as she cried against her shoulder.  “Frank is m-” she broke off her own words, sure that relaying her theory of Frank begin absolutely mad for Alice wouldn’t help in this particular situation.   “I’m sure he’ll come round,” she said instead. 

Alice shook her head, denying the possibility that Frank would ever “come round”. The look in his eyes had shocked Alice, and she knew that whatever was going through his mind, it was serious indeed. “He won’t- you didn’t- Oh Lily, it was horrible.” Alice shuddered, remembering the look of betrayal and hurt on his face. “All because I kissed Amycus Carrow.” Alice muttered, twisting her hands together.

Lily didn’t doubt that it had been horrible and her heart nearly broke for the crying girl in her arms.  Lily was hard pressed to name a kinder soul than Alice and she hated seeing her so upset.  At Alice’s confession about Amycus Carrow, the sympathy flared into irritation with Frank.  It had long been Lily’s opinion that there was more in Frank’s feelings for Alice than friendship but to let this happen because he was jealous?  Or too scared to tell her how he felt?  She loved Frank like a brother but she was itching to give him a piece of her mind.  To her credit, Lily didn’t even trip over the information that Alice had kissed Amycus Carrow of all people.  “I’m sure Frank’s just worried about you, is all.”  Worried being a vast understatement, or course. 

"He’s just worried about me? He terminated our friendship because he saw a hickie on my neck and was worried about me?" Alice’s voice had taken on a squeaky like quality with the distress that she was feeling. If Frank was worried about her, he had a shit way of showing it. "He acted like I had killed his mother, or poisoned his dog. Lily, It was horrible. I just don’t know what got into him. But now he wants nothing to do with me."

"He didn’t terminate anything," Lily insisted before she thought about it.  She couldn’t possibly imagine a world were Frank and Alice weren’t friends and whatever had gotten into Frank’s dense skull wouldn’t be able to circumvent that.  "I mean - maybe he thinks he did but…." she sighed, trying to figure how to word this.  "What got into him is that he is a prat.  You’re Frank’s best friend.  And sometimes worrying abut someone that important is terrifying." 

"He told me he wanted nothing to do with me, that he couldn’t do it anymore. To me that says for a long time he’s been dealing with something terrible concerning me. What is it? Am I too rude? Too loud? Do I eat too much?" Alice was becoming frantic, her body getting overworked as she just kept relentlessly replaying their altercation in his mind. Where Lily’s arm had once been keeping her safe, they now felt like prison bars and Alice struggle against them. "He said it was "too painful" She used air quotations as her face twisted in scorn. "This is too painful! This aching, thumping, nervous feeling that’s been gnawing me inside out for weeks. The racing headaches, the sweaty palms, the feeling of dread mixed with excitement! That’s what’s too painful!” Alice’s voice was raised now, though she was beyond caring. “Everytime I see his stupid face I want to throw up and cry and I don’t know why, and then he was mad at me, and I couldn’t even stop it and- and-” Like a balloon that got a hole in it, Alice suddenly felt quite deflated, her chest still heaving with the vocal exertion of a few seconds earlier. She sunk on the bench and ran her hands through her hair. “What the hell is wrong with me, Lily?” She whispered, looking up at the girl as if she might hold the answers to the questions inside of Alice’s heart.  

Lily didn’t expect for Alice to suddenly open up the way she did.  The red head listened with arms around  her friend but as she felt the restlessness grow, she loosened her hold so Alice could move.  Each question Alice asked, each one self deprecating, caused Lily’s blood to boil hotter.  She’d never actually been angry with Frank before today and the emotion was an interesting one to house.  The Ravenclaw was only halfway through her declaration when a thought occurred to Lily.  Sure she’d believed for some time that Frank had a thing for Alice, but she’d never realized just how much of a thing Alice had for Frank.  The way she deflated and collapsed back beside her tugged at Lily’s heart and she draped a hand over Alice’s shoulders, a hand gently rubbing her back.  “Nothing is wrong with you, Al,”she promised.  She bit her lip, trying to figure out a way to explain what she just heard without freaking Alice out.  It certainly wouldn’t do to simply blurt out 'you love him!' “I know you were repellent of the idea when I joked about it by the lake,” she began, hesitantly. “But, d’you think some of those feelings might be because you don’t want Frank as a friend anymore?  Not just a friend, at any rate.”

Alice looked at Lily as if she had six heads. “What are you talking about, Lily? Or course I want him as a friend… That’s why I’m so upset about it.”  But Lily’s words replayed in her head, and Alice understood what she was implying. “Oh…oh." Alice shook her head, immediately in denial. "No. There’s no way that I’m in love with Frank, Lily. Love is supposed to make you feel good- feel happy. Not make you feel like you should be heading to the loo every five minutes to empty the contents of your stomach. I mean… For Merlin’s sake- it’s Frank!" And yet…. the gnawing in Alice’s stomach persisted.

Lily waited for the words to click in Alice’s head and once she did, Lily couldn’t help the small smile that tugged at her lips at Alice’s denial.  “I suppose it does make people feel good and happy when they’re - y’know - together and what not,” she thought aloud.  “But before you’re even sure you do?  I imagine it feels a lot like what you just described.”  Lily had never been in love but she got a mini version of all the feelings Alice had described every time James Potter walked into a room. She could only imagine what they felt like full grown and punching you in the stomach as they seemed to be Alice.  “Yes, it’s Frank.  Your best friend.  Two sides of the same coin, yeah?”  she pointed out, recalling Alice’s own words from earlier in the term.

As much as Alice could’ve denied her supposed love for Frank all day, with each shake of her head she knew that somewhere deep inside of herself: she was lying. It all made sense- the butterflies, the sickness, the nerves. It was the only explanation for everything that Alice had been feeling lately and- She put her hand to her mouth “Oh." The memory of her patronus dawned on her, the visual of Frank laughing and pushing her hair back, and then her amortentia, the first three scents did really have anything to do with Frank, but that fourth scent the one that she couldn’t identify… "Oh no” Her eyes went even wider as each revelation crashed into like a wave. The scent was Frank’s. She couldn’t believe that it had taken her this long to place it. She must’ve smelled it a thousand times before, and yet… it was as if it was brand new. Alice looked at Lily, terror in her eyes. “What do I do?” She whispered.

It was interesting to watch from the outside, not privy to the thoughts in Alice’s head, how the blonde went from full speed to full stop in only a matter of moments.  Thoughts crossed behind her eyes and Lily could only imagine what they were.  As it was, she watched Alice’s skin go from a normal fair tone to completely pale as if she’d just realized the most terrifying thing she’d ever known.  Which, perhaps, she had.  She allowed the smile to spread now, soft and kind and as comforting as she could manage.  “You could always tell him,” she pointed out softly.

"You want me to- You think I should-" The words died on her lips as she whipped her head back and forth. No way- no fucking way was she ever going to tell Frank. Especially now that he wanted nothing to do with her. This is why I told Severus that finding out where that scent was from would be a bad thing. Alice’s stomach dropped. Her and Frank, it was never going to happen. “Lily, everything’s too fucked up. And Frank deserves-” She paused… What did Frank deserve? Alice wanted to say something arbitrary like flowers or rainbows, but in all actuality she didn’t know. “Frank deserves not fucked up.” She said softly,. staring at her hands.

"i don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do,” Lily assured, he hand moving calmingly up and down Alice’s back now that the other girl had stilled.  “I think it would do you both good to hear it but if you’re not ready…”  She couldn’t imagine forcing yourself to tell someone you love them was all that beneficial, though she didn’t there was as much for Alice to worry about as she thought.  “I do think you should talk to him, though,” she went on.  “To fix all this.  You both deserve that, after all you’ve been through.”

"It’s not that simple, Lily. First of all, I’m never going to put myself out there like that. I heard Frank, and the implications he made about me being with Amycus. I’m sure there’s a part of him that thinks that I’m easy- and that’s not a type of relationship that I’d ever want with Frank." She bit her thumb nail, attempting to buy herself some more time as she thought. "If he doesn’t want anything to do with me then I just have to respect that. Hell, I don’t even know what I’m feeling now. Apparently I love him but all I want to do is rip out my internal organs and toss them into the Lake, as crude as that visual is."

"I didn’t say it was simple," Lily countered, her voice patient as she listened to all the things worrying her friend.  And there were certainly a number of valid issues.  It was no wonder she was scared to try and fix things.  For that is what Lily was hearing her say.  Beneath all the reasons and the why nots, Alice was scared.  "Then don’t tell him you love him," she offered.  "But are you telling me you’d rather live a life without him in it than at least try and figure out what went wrong?"

Alice sighed, cradling her head between her hands. “Of course I don’t want to live without him, Lily. He’s my person- all of this love talk aside- he’s my “Marlene Mckinnon and James Potter” all rolled into one. I’d do anything, be anything for him wherever and whenever he wanted. But that’s the thing- he doesn’t want it. And you didn’t see how he look at me.. He was so angry, Lily. He just looked as if he never wanted to see me again.”

"He may have looked angry then but he’s looked heartbroken every day since."  She offered the words softly, not a bribe or a rationale, just a fact.   Frank looked like the walking dead without Alice, and Lily couldn’t imagine that was the expression of someone who had gotten what he wanted.  "When Marlene and I fight, we’re devastating.  I’m never so upset as when Marlene and I are on the outs, which is why it almost never happens.  But even when she’s pissed to hell with me, I can’t not fight for her.  I have no interest to live without her.  Maybe I’m just stubborn.  But I can’t imagine it’s different with Frank."  She didn’t suggest Alice try to solve the problem the way James and she did.  That would have been all too hard to explain.  "I just think you should talk to him," she said again, though for the last time. 

"He looked heartbroken?" Alice asked, curiosity seeping into her tone. She couldn’t help it. Despite the things he’d said, he was her best mate, and she didn’t like it when he was in a bad place. She wanted him to be happy, but she still didn’t understand why he’d say that he didn’t want to be friends anymore if it made him so damn unhappy. "I won’t promise anything, but I’ll think about it, Lily."

"Like the walking dead," Lily answered without pause.  She heard the curiosity in Alice’s tone and she recognized it well.  Anytime she fought with Marlene, even when James wouldn’t speak to her for that week, she might have been angry but she still always worried about them.  "Whatever you decide to do, you can always talk to me," she promised, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and tugging her close.   "Just want to see you happy, yeah?"

Alice returned the hug, burying her head in Lily’s shoulder. This whole conversation, as painful as it was, reminded her of another lovesick person that Alice knew, and she actually had meant to talk to Lily about it. “Uhh, Lily… Can I ask you something?”

"Sure thing, mad Alice," she answered kindly, the Alice in Wonderland nicknames back in style now that things Alice seemed to have calmed down a bit.  She pulled back enough from the hug that she could see Alice’s face but didn’t bother to remove her arm from where it draped around her friend’s shoulders.

Alice smiled at the familiar nickname, her head lulling to rest on Lily’s shoulder. “It’s about Severus Snape.” She began hesitantly, her voice soft so that she didn’t give the impression that she was attacking her. “I don’t mean to be rude, and if it’s not my place then please tell me but- what happened with you two? Recently Severus has been tutoring me in potions,  and we’ve gotten to talking and… he’s mentioned you a couple of times.” She purposely excluded some of the more overwhelming details, not wanting to upset Lily.

Lily, to her credit, didn’t tense as Alice mentioned Severus.  It took effort not to, to remain unaffected by the name, but she’d been doing better at it since she and Sev had started to figure things out between them again.  She didn’t answer Alice right away, taking a deep breath before she could decide if she wanted to have this conversation. Her continued friendship with Severus was rather dependent on the red haired witch being in denial about what had happened between them.   “Sev…” she began, wanting little more than not to have this conversation.  “He was my best friend once,” she said finally.  “He knew everything about me.  Everything that made me tick.”  She tried to find the words but they weren’t easy coming.  “It - it didn’t end well.”

Alice sat silently as Lily got some words out. From what she’d seen in Severus, she could only imagine how Lily would react, and she questioned even asking her in the first place. But the girl was speaking, and Alice was certainly listening. Alice switched positions with Lily, wrapping her arm around the girl’s shoulder. “You don’t have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable, Lily. I was too curious, I really shouldn’t have said anything.” It wasn’t Alice’s place to go prodding someone about something she knew was sensitive, and she felt awful that she had just done it to Lily.

Lily hadn’t expected it to be as hard to talk about Severus as it was.  Things had been going well between them, or at least she thought they had, but when faced with the need to remember what had happened, Lily couldn’t.  It was too much.  It was like poking a hole in a dam, once it burst there would be no going back.  “No, it’s okay,” she assured as Alice backtracked.  That she asked, anyway.  Talking about it would never be okay but this was Alice.  Lily didn’t mind at all that she’d asked.  “It’s just not my favorite memory, is all,” she said, taking a breath and biting her lip.  “I just - try to put it behind me. When I can.”  The last she added as an afterthought, aware that if she didnt’t put it behind her, things between her and Severus would not be going nearly so smooth.

Alice rubbed her arm soothingly up and down Lily’s arm. She couldn’t help but feel guilty that she had brought it up in the first place, but now they were discussing it and she knew that she just had to tunnel through it. “That makes sense…” She trailed off, not willing to continue the conversation about Severus for fear of causing Lily more pain. “Would you like to get something to eat?” Alice asked suddenly. Alice had no more desire to talk about Severus, or Frank, or anything sad, and though that perhaps Lily and her needed a good dose of chocolate and ice cream.

Lily was so grateful that Alice didn’t push.  If she’d had to recount that day, the awful things that had been said and their aftermath, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to close it off again.  Everything was going so well as it was, there was peace and civility everything was calm.  If she had to think about that day, she knew she’d not be able to get back to that peace again.  It should have worried her more than she let it. To have something she had to so resolutely ignore could only promise a dark future for she and Severus, but she was unwilling to entertain that worry.  Lily laughed at the abrupt change in subject and tightened her arms around Alice in a warm hug.  “More than anything,” she answered as she loosened her arms and stood, holding her hands out to pull Alice up with her.