#albert tate

This is from the ROCKHARBOR blog. This week we talked about what it looks like to forgive people that we've been holding bitterness in our hearts towards. It was a hard message for me to hear, but the Lord did some crazy things in my heart as a result! Enjoy!

If I’ve learned anything from the story I am about to tell you…it is that God is persistent.

It began on Thursday night, when I was asked to share my story of sexual redemption at RH Orange’s Sex, Love, God on Chapman University’s campus. Even though my story is intense and something I am not proud of–I think I have gotten pretty good at telling it. Throughout my years in ministry, I have been trained to be open and vulnerable. I know as a pastor, that in order for others to feel comfortable reflecting on their own stories and sharing them with the community of believers, I have to step up first.

So I did it. I stood in front of a room full people and told them about the horrible things I’d done and that had been done to me. I told them that I had experienced healing (which I have, in part) and that everything was fine. I had forgiven and forgotten. Because I thought that is what they would want to hear.

I had an unsettling feeling in my stomach all night that something was wrong. I ignored it because–come on–I had just opened myself up and been affirmed by many that my story impacted them. I had done my job, and I had done it well. There was nothing that could have possibly been wrong.

But I could not shake it.

I knew deep down, I had not forgiven anyone. I had not forgotten anything. I still was walking around with the burden of incredible bitterness and hatred towards people who had hurt me in my life. But I’d never say that. I’d never let anyone know that–because that’s not encouraging, right?

Saturday, I found myself in the seats of the Centre at the first annual Leadership Ascent. It was an incredible time of learning and being encouraged in leadership, and I took away a ton of great tidbits and information that I can tangibly use as a leader in the church and in my community.

But the thing that stuck out to me the most was something Albert Tate said in the final afternoon session. He told us that the dangerous part about ministry is that you can learnhow to do it.

Is that what I had done? Had I learned to communicate my story in such a way that I could speak the correct words to get responses from people without actually having to dowhat it was that I claimed to have done?

I visited another church Sunday morning, and the topic was: Forgiveness. I remember feeling as if God was saying “Hey Lauren, you should probably pay attention toeverything that is said in this message. Ok?” I didn’t like that so much.

The entire time, I sat in heavy conviction from the Holy Spirit about the fact that I had been living a life of hypocrisy. I had urged others to move to a place of healing and forgiveness, when I has not done so myself. But I still chose to ignore God. I didn’t walk up to receive prayer during the response time of that service. I decided that I would bear the burden of being convicted for a while longer. That way was easier. Safer. More comfortable.

Then came Sunday.

In the midst of a chaotic pre-service routine, I felt that the Lord was going to do something in me that I was not going to expect. I suppressed this thought and told Him that I was busy with my duties and that I didn’t have time to be bothered with conviction or a call to turn from my hypocritical ways. We could deal with that another time. On my terms.

And then-what was the message about? Relationships. Specifically, forgiveness in relationships. Freedom from bitterness and anger held towards people in our lives.

REALLY!? How was this happening? Finally–after what seemed like days of preparation–God finally had my attention. It was clear that he was speaking to me. I could not live a life with hatred in my heart anymore. It just was not acceptable. My heart needed to be transformed–and God was ready to do it.

I stepped out for prayer during response, and I cannot even describe how sweet and gentle the Lord was to me during that time of prayer. It was as if He held me in his arms and let me go through all the emotions and pain of my story with Him right there in that moment. He showed me that I had spent time in appropriate grieving and processing, but that it was truly time for me to forgive people who had done wrong against me. It didn’t matter that I would never see them again, or that they would never apologize to me in person–because the Lord was doing a work in my heart that was for my good.

The process of forgiving is just that, a process. I know that I have some work ahead of me, which will be painful and uncomfortable. But I am imagining the next time I stand up and tell my story, it will from an authentic place. I am no longer a hypocrite because I have stepped into the healing and freedom of forgiveness that can only be from the Lord.