#alan downs

The Velvet Rage (2nd Ed.) - Alan Downs

Read: Sep 2021

So the subtitle to this is "Overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man's world." And that's the basic premise, it's a kind of guide and explanation to the psychology of gay men. Downs is a psychologist by trade and this book is meant to chronicle the similarities he saw in his practice in gay mens' journeys through life. I was continually surprised by the recognition of his points in my own life. This more than anything else has really convinced me that Downs knows what he's talking about in the wide patterns he's outlining. At times I found this book hard to read due to it hitting to close to home. But I appreciate that Downs didn't just point out the problems and leave, the book ends with his recommendations to pursuing a more authentic life and moving past all the psychological wounds he feels most gay men suffer. As a gay man I felt like I had gained insight into myself after reading it and I feel more resolve to move myself in a direction I like. So cheers to you Dr. Alan Downs.

Γνῶθι σεαυτόν (Know thyself)

Francesco Migliaccio @franxfit

#thevelvetrage

Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World

A friend of mine lend me this book after I was remarking what it’s like to be gay in an all-straight community. Here are my thoughts on this Alan Downs book.

Things I could relate to:

The running theme of this book is how Downs touches upon how being in the closet affected gay men mentally, and how to reach self-acceptance and awareness in adulthood. “We concluded on the playground that we’re disgusting, aberrant, and unlovable” (p.12). If you read my previous blog entry, you’ll remember the importance of reminding LGBT youth that they are loved and accepted. I recently came across a Brene Brown definition for shame:

“Shame is the fear of not being worthy of real connection.”

And since many LGBT youth were treated as unworthy, shame found a way to grow in their hearts. “The avoidance of shame becomes the single most powerful driving force in life.” (p.29) I understand how Downs notices gay men filling their lives with experiences that mostly leave them unfulfilled. The two words that capture some feelings I feel about being a gay man are “self-indulgence” and “overcompensation.” While I navigate this life as an affirming gay man, those are two reminders for how I operate. We as human beings are all called to find self-acceptance, and it starts with recognizing emotional patterns. This book does a good job of that.

Things I could not relate to: Obviously, this book isn’t for every gay American man. And unfortunately, a good chunk of the book wasn’t really relevant to me. Firstly, Downs’s sample size consists mainly of 1) his friends and 2) his patients. Two generalizations he made were that all gay men seek lavish lives (p. 75) and have a fear of growing old (p. 98). Those comments in particular happen to be two traits of a gay man’s life that I don’t have.