#ajy

“I don’t know what love is,” they say.

But yet I have a broken heart.

I’m holding the pieces.

I can’t seem to put them back together.

Does is take more love to mend a broken heart?

But what if love didn’t break it?

I don’t know what love is.

Then is my heart really broken?

Are the pieces I hold something else?

Perhaps my happiness?

Because I don’t know how to be happy anymore.

Can I still love if I can’t be happy?

But how do I know what love is?

I don’t know what love is.

Can I live without being loved or happy?

Will I be broken forever?

What if these pieces are my soul?

Because I feel empty without love or happiness.

If I know what it feels without love,

Then how can they say I don’t know what love is?

All day no one has said a word to me. Not personally. Maybe you think I’m being conceited or selfish. Maybe you think I should say something, oh but I have. But there’s been no reply.

So my insecurity reigns. My depression and anxiety have claimed my day.

I bawl uncontrollably in the car on the way home because even the medicine doesn’t work. And I’m not worried about anyone seeing me because I know, they are all thinking about their day, their problems.

That’s ok. I don’t want them to be concerned with me. But maybe if the right person said something to me today. Maybe that would be enough to take the loneliness away.

But these bodies moving around me, they’re robots. Programmed to live day to day, with not a thing to say— to me.

I’d be selfish to expect one to break their code. To go outside of they’re programming.

And then they’re are the ones that have added me to the recycle bin. Except no one told me they put me there. I wonder if they question their decision, open the bin, hover over my file and consider a restore. Because sometimes I’m confused.

i never saw it there

the line between you and me

you must’ve drawn it at some point

i’m the fool that didn’t see

we’re friends you say

but you keep your distance

your actions don’t match your words

and your words don’t make sense

why did you allow me to cross

to give you more than you deserve

when the whole freakin’ time

you held the line on reserve

ready to push me away

playing a blame game

choosing to be shallow

Somehow I made a monster

Bound to wander

Alone alone that’s me

I just couldn’t see

Sitting under this shady tree

Pretending to be happy

Pursuit of happiness is a lie

I don’t know why I try

The truth is a monster

The kiss of a curse

Creating chaos and insanity

Watching the dark and lonely bleed

I try running and hiding

But it always finds me

That’s when I realize

Watching all their eyes

“Look at her”

I am the monster

—

The other poems in this series:

Pursuit of Happiness

Pursuit of Happiness II

“Have a good night,” is the last you’ll hear from me

I can’t wait around for you to feel lonely

I’ve wasted some of my best thoughts on you

But your thoughts

Hopes

Dreams

None of them are with me

#Repost @globalagepoetry

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