#ain rambles

I don't know what I would do without this beautiful art form

I swear this is a genuine conversation I've had with him in my head

Me: "Okay, your part ends here for now. You won't be back for a little while."

Alex, looking over my shoulder and pointing at what I'm writing: "Put me in here."

Me: "But that's ages before you're supposed to-"

Alex: "Hush, just do it."

Me: "Why?"

Alex: "Trust me."

Me, with a whole like six extra books that I wouldn't have been able to write without him interfering: "How the fuck did you do that?"

Alex: "I told you to trust me."

Me: "Thank you."

Alex: "You're welcome. Oh, also, you're going to want to put me in there."

Me: "What more could you possibly have?"

Alex, smirking: "Watch and see."

I think I'm going crazy. Anyway, WYS is sponsored by Alexander Tollemache being an annoyingly amazing little shit. It is also sponsored by Faine Callaghan, because he's also an annoyingly amazing little shit who keeps reinserting himself into the narrative.

They refuse to be on the sidelines lol. They have extremely high egos and unfortunately they deserve it, and they know it.

Faine: "Well of course. We are the best after all."

Alex: "Clearly."

I love my boys who together are responsible for like the entire series despite neither of them being the main character.

All my characters feel so real sometimes but out of all of them Alexander does it the most. At this point he's in charge, not me. To be fair I did name one of the ghosts in my house after Alex so maybe that has something to do with it.

I'm so pumped to write Alex and Faine because they have just so much cool lore and whatnot going on and I love them.

I might end up with more posts where I talk directly to my characters because I think I'm going insane. Enjoy.

The problem with this? I can't introduce my son one of my favourite characters yet because not only is he not going to be introduced for a hot second but he is just absolutely drenched in spoilers.

But I love him he's my sweet baby I want to rant about him so bad.

Is he also the villain and a terrible person who would break every bone in my body and step over my broken corpse? Yes. Yes he is.

Does that make me love him any less? Absolutely not, he's my baby boy and I love him so much he just needs a bit of therapy, because I have put him through so much shit. Like he makes the mc's trauma look like a picnic.

My poor boy. I love him, therefore I've destroyed everything he loves and made him a villain.

To be fair a lot of my favourites are "villains" in some capacity.

And he's such a sweetheart when he's not being an evil little shit. And even when he is being an evil little shit he's kind of amazing, like this man is iconic, I'm worried I won't be able to do him justice when writing him because he deserves so much better than me but also if anyone tried to take my boy away from me I would bite them.

He's getting his own spinoff by the way, it's the newest addition to the outline. It's going to be called "Villains Have Stories Too" and it'll be about him and my other favourite villains and how they got here.

I love him so much, he's the best. I would die for this man tbh and he doesn't even exist. I might need therapy, but this isn't about me, we're talking about my baby.

I love how at the start I said I couldn't rant about him and then I just did it anyway. He's too good not to get at least one rant though, and he just decided to invade my thoughts for the past couple days so now those thoughts are being word vomited onto Tumblr. You're welcome.

I can't wait for his parts in the book because honestly any narrative he touches instantly becomes better. He is my favourite child and I'm finally owning up to that. All my other children can suffer. Still love you kids though. At least most of you.

I probably should never be a parent. My favourite fictional child is literally psychopathic. He's an angel though, I love him. If anyone hates on my boy I will do nothing to stop you, just know that you are factually incorrect.

This post is permission to go on a rant about your favourite character. If it's more chaotic than mine you get official ain brownie points

Okay so @thecomfywriter Uno reversed my ask on me here, so here we go.

I desperately want to adopt Faine. He already has an adopted mother and she's great but honestly this man just has so much trauma that he needs to be readopted as an adult. That's breaking the rules of my own game though, so I can't say him. (Yes I just spent an entire paragraph talking about how I want to adopt a man who's literally 909 years older than me)

As for someone I actually want to adopt as a child, I would say the Tollemaches, but I can only adopt one and I can't separate them.

Kyro is a great choice, but he's an extremely obscure side character that might not even show up in the main book, depending on how I structure the series.

Switching books for a second, adopting the mc from Like A Movie would probably be good for him. He hasn't told me anything about his childhood, but I get the sense he wasn't loved enough.

Switching back to What's Your Story because I want to give it attention, I have so many traumatized characters that I would absolutely adopt, but a lot of them have siblings that they wouldn't want to leave behind. I would adopt Briley, since she doesn't get adopted until she's thirteen, but her adopted family is so sweet and I wouldn't want to take her from that.

I think at the moment my top option has to be Kalyani. She doesn't appear in the story for a good long while though, so you guys won't hear about her much. Sorry!

Since I mentioned Like A Movie up there I might as well briefly touch on my other wips.

The Director probably needs adopting from Appearances Are Deceiving, he didn't exactly have an easy childhood.

There are so many sad children in We All Lie Amongst The Thorns that it would be extremely unfair to choose one.

I don't think any of the MCs in Nearly Parallel Lives needs adopting. Oh scratch that actually, Bren does, definitely.

The kids in Survival Is A Team Sport have loving parents, they just get separated during the apocalypse.

I can't think of anyone that needs adopting in The Enchanted Forests at all. Arcana might, but I don't know what her childhood was like.

And that's all. Sorry for the ramblings lol

if i'm being honest, i don't know what's going on anymore. it feels like you're slipping away, drifting further and further until i can't see you anymore.

i spend time with other people, but i know i do that just to fill this hollowness in me, just to occupy the gaps where i know you should be instead.

i wonder if it looks that way to you. i wonder if you think what him and i do is something more than friendly. i wonder if you know that logically, he would be the easier one to fall for, but that there just isn't a spark there. i wonder if you're aware that he's fallen for someone else now, and it's not me.

the thing is, i'm not in love with you. i'm pretty sure of it. all i know is that every time i see you my brain goes, "look, you're an idiot, but you're my idiot."

but am i even allowed to call you mine?

do you...do you still mean it when we agreed until december? because i'm still holding on. and if i'm being completely honest with myself, i'm hoping it lasts longer than that.

i just keep telling myself that things will get better when i can go out and see people again, because that means i get a chance to see you.

oh god, the idea makes me nervous just thinking about it. i can imagine as many scenarios as i want, but i know that i can never predict what will actually happen. i can talk all i want about wanting to hug you, but i wonder if i will be brave enough to actually follow through with it.

but you know, if something's changed for you, or if you've decided that this isn't worth it anymore, i'd like to know. if i'm being replaced, please tell me.

ah, what happened to not getting attached? what happened to me telling myself to not get too close lest i find myself invested in you? what happened to the words i told myself i wouldn't say because that meant things would change into something a little more serious?

but i knew from the start that we were never going to be able to compartmentalise these feelings into something definitive. i hope it wasn't just me who felt it, the weirdly good chemistry that somehow led us down this road.

maybe i should bring this up to you, and let you reassure or deny what i say in order for things to become clearer. or maybe i can just post this and hope you see it (even though i know that that's probably not going to happen, but hey, a girl can dream).

maybe all i can do is wait.

it has been...what? only a few days since you said you wanted to put the one on one stuff on hold for awhile, and yet i feel more alright than i thought i would be.

oh, don't get me wrong, i miss hanging out just us two, but there's something sort of liberating in knowing that no matter how far we wander away from each other, i can still make my way back to you.

plus, i can still text you good morning/night, or to check in on you, and for now that's more than enough for me.

space can be good, i think, when it's done right.

hi~!! thank you, i hope you’re having an amazing day as well~!! <3

i woke up with a headache and immediately wanted to go back to sleep, but i couldn't. i helped my mom prepare breakfast, but my head was in a daze and i could barely focus.

afterwards, i laid in bed but couldn't sleep. i stared up at my ceiling for hours, until my mom came in and started nagging me about cleaning my room.

i dragged myself out of bed, staggered into my bathroom and shut the door. i met my own gaze in the mirror and wasn't surprised by my appearance. dark circles under puffy eyes, cheeks stained with the remnants of tears, matted hair from the countless times i'd run my hands through it. what did take me by surprise, though, was my expression.

my eyes looked haunted, filled with guilt and longing. i didn't even look sad anymore; instead, i looked...hollow. empty.

i don't know how long i stood in my shower, letting the too-hot water pierce at my skin - a stark contrast to the tiles i laid my forehead against as i started crying once more.

but then, just as suddenly as it had started, i stopped.

everything after that felt...mechanical. i got dressed, made and ate lunch, helped my mom wash the dishes, and yet, i couldn't make myself feel anything.

so here i am. it's only 2pm as i'm typing this, but i'm already exhausted. i can't afford to fall into another depressive episode. i don't want to sleep it away, either. because if i have nightmares, i'll feel terrible. and yet i know if i dream, i'll be disappointed when i awake to this reality that i don't quite want to live in.

there are still 10 hours left of today. maybe it'll get better.

one can only hope.