#agirlwablog

Today I had my yearly physical. I use to hate going to these things because I would hear the same thing every time I went “you need to lose weight!” Up until a couple of years ago, I got over the dread of going because I just accepted that this is what I’m going to spend 30 minutes talking about and that it is what it is. Even though I lost weight since last year this was all my doctor talked about. If I’m going to be honest with myself my doctor is right, I do need to lose weight, so I can be healthy and prevent possible health risk, but it made me think what is healthy? Does one’s weight determine if they’re healthy or not?

Health is made up of four components mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. I feel like society only focuses on the physical component and deems that to be what health is all about when in truth it’s not. You cannot be all around healthy and live your best life if all your health’s aren’t taken care of. The orders in which you focus on these components are up to you, no one can tell you that. Explaining this to people may have them looking at you a little perplexed but you must ignore them. You cannot have one of the components without the other. You see it every day, you have the skinny girl with the nice little body, who is “healthy” and posting pictures on snap like she’s happy but all she sees when she looks in the mirror is that she has a gut, a double chin and needs to lose weight. But over here you have this girl that’s 300lbs who is “unhealthy” living her best life and taking pics on snap in her halter top and high waist skinny jeans posing for the camera without a care in the world. When she looks in the mirror she sees that she has a tummy that’s round, but she loves it anyway and she loves herself.

2018 has been a very weird year for me. I've experienced highs, lows, new and exciting things. Pain and suffering that made me believe it was the end of the world but mostly happiness that I never want to be without again and that I didnt know was possible for me to experience. This year has been my rebirth and awakening.

Every tear I shed and lash of pain I felt has gotten me here.... to this moment in time. This moment where I can say proudly because I believe it and mean it "I'm starting to find my confidence, love and acceptance for myself. I like who I am." I'm finding out who I am. I'm ok with the fact that, yes, I'm a girl that's lost in the woods at the moment because I know I'll find my way out when it's time.

I have friends. I've accomplished goals. Hell I'm ready to experience love, have a man lover (lol) and have a real first kiss -im still shocked by this- 2018 has brought me this. Friends were lost that I never thought I would be without but many were gained that i love to death.

2019 can only provide me with more pain, happiness and new experiences and im ready for it all. I am a lion mountain after all.

Happy New Years!!!!

Acceptance, it’s one of those things that if you don’t have control over it, it can ruin e v e r y t h i n g. This brings about the questions of “What things do we accept? When do we accept these said things? How much of this “accepting” do we do? Do we accept everything? Umm, why is acceptance important in the first place?

Acceptance is important because it makes everything real and it’s the kick to start to the process of change. When you’re not accepting something for what it is you’re keeping yourself stuck in dreamland and hinder the flow of life. I’m currently reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck by Mark Manson and in this book, he talks about the “backward law” created by a philosopher named Alan Watts. How craving more positivity encounters is a negative thing and accepting negative encounters is a positive thing. Very confusing right but it makes so much sense, by not accepting things as they are in your life, wishing and wanting better won’t get you the satisfaction you want because it’s just going to make you think about how you don’t have it in the first place. Whereas accepting things as they are you’re gaining something from it.

Even just accepting how you’re feeling is a powerful thing, accept when you’re feeling sad or you’re mad or feel so hurt. Accept because guess what its ok!!! Its ok to feel these feelings and its natural, allowing you’re to feel and realize leads to the land of possibilities. I used to struggle with this so much and it made my life a living hell. I used to hate myself for feeling sad or letting something bother me, it would ruin my day and start the process of self-abuse. Of course, that did nothing but make me feel worse but once I stopped resisting the flow of life and realized that it's fucking okay for me to feel like shit and to be bothered by things, I was able to get over the feeling more quickly and most importantly not stress out about it! Even at this very moment, I have such a need to cry and I’m particularly sad. I don’t like this feeling, I honestly hate feeling this way, but I accept that these are my current feelings at this moment in time and I know it won’t last long and if it does, it’s okay.

Today I did something I thought I would never do and never have to do (if I’m going, to be honest), I told my crush that he was cute and that I, in fact, have a crush on him. I’ve had this crush for weeks now and been wanting to let him know but I kept getting nervous. Then one day my brain got in the way and I resorted to my protection charm of being negative and felt like “what’s the point! Nothing is going to come out of this anyway, it isn’t like he’s going to like me back, I need to get over this stupid crush” Despite this being my mindset and it honestly helping me feel better, I still wanted to say something because what would be the harm since I didn’t expect anything to come of it.

Today, was that day. Today was the day that I decided to be bold because yolo, WHO CARES, and I made it a goal of mine (I have this weird thing with goals, once something becomes a goal of mine I just have to conquer it). Once I did it, I was such a giddy little kid inside my head, “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID IT!! OMG, OMG, OMG, I DID IT!!!!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT! WHY DID I JUST DO IT! AHHHH!” I went from excited to proud to scared to proud and then stuck between scared and proud but none the less like “YES!! I did it, I did it, I’m the shizz” This amazing new experience has taught me to be bold and that it’s okay to be bold. To face my fears, that to be scared is to be alive. Who cares what the outcome may be if it’s something you truly want to do, believe in your heart is the right thing to do and the right thing for you. LIVE LIFE, because you only live once. Now I feel like I can face anything, sure I’ll get scared again and use my crappy protection method to shield myself from a flood of emotions, but I won’t let it stop me from being bold and most importantly to try.

I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she was talking to me about her romance situation in which she’s the other woman. So, I asked her why was she is settling for being the other woman and she said, “we all have to settle sometimes.” No, no you don’t have to settle! Ladies and gents, you never have to settle for something or someone that you know you don’t want, need and won’t be good for you in the long run. We as people settle because we’re scared to go after more - want we truly want and because we don’t believe we’re deserving. I don’t care what your life is like, if your confidence level is lower than low, never settle unless you’re ok with what you’re settling for. Which my friend wasn’t but you know, feelings are assholes and they make you confused.

I don’t believe in settling, I never have, especially when it comes to something that can’t detrimentally affect my life. You might be thinking “everyone’s confidence isn’t as high as yours” well let me tell you, I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself. I am slowly learning to love myself, it’s taken 23 years for me to even be able utter those words and even think and believe I was beautiful.  But most importantly even before I got to this point I knew for a fact that I would never settle for a guy that I wasn’t attracted to or that was showing me attention (romantically) just because I’ve never received it before. I’d rather be alone for forever than accept anything. Now if a guy isn’t my type but I happen to start to like him then that’s different.

For the very first time since being in my 20s or tbh in my life, I actually really like someone. I didn't fully realize it until a while ago and ever since then its been on my mind to say something to the guy. Just a simple “hey, i think you're cute, I just wanted to say that.” The only thing that's stopping me is myself and the fear of not knowing how he's going to react or how to even approach him. I've n e v e r done this before or even felt the need to do this before. 

 I keep telling myself to "just do it already and get it over with! you only live once and who cares how he responds, as long as you say it." But yea ofc, I get scared every time and I talk to everyone instead of him lol. This is too much for me! it's exciting but gahhhh lol. 

All my life I’ve noticed how people being born in different types of skin has caused a negative ripple in society, that can either end up making or breaking your whole world. So many people are taking their lives, afraid to be themselves and feel forced to conform, get bullied or refuse to give into changing and deal with all the heartache and hardships but never really learn to love themselves in the end. Now when I say skin, I’m not talking about skin color specifically, but the different forms skin comes in –  thin, curvy (thicc as our generation calls it), luscious (what I call people who are considered fat), gay, etc... Society has taught us that only one type of skin is acceptable and that any of the other forms are not wanted and are ugly. You see it on TV, in magazines and even when you go to your doctor. It’s being shoved in your face 24/7 how you should look, think, feel, eat, breathe, etc...

This picture of perfect has been created in our minds, having us truly believe that this is what we should look like, act like, speak like, BE like, strive for and when we don’t follow the layout we’re considered to be an alien. The programming isn’t coming just from outside sources but from inside ones too. Our parents and family teach us and raise us to live as a “girl” or “boy” should. Tell us how we should act based off these values and morals that they deem to be correct – that society has created.

Non-acceptance has become a natural way of life it seems and it has no age limit and comes in different forms; a 5-year-old getting picked on by the other kids because they’re chubby and can’t run as fast as the others or a plus size girl wanting to wear her favorite clothing brand but their clothes don’t include plus sizes or a skinny high schooler walking pass the group of cool kids or one of them point out how their sneakers are the same ones they’ve been wearing for three years and that they have holes in them or a gay male adult getting jumped by a group of guys in the bathroom because he’s gay.

Is it just natural for us as human beings to reject the idea of different? Are we so deeply programmed by society that it’s too powerful for us to overcome it? Or are we too afraid to shed this false skin that we were born in because it would mean that we’ve been lied to our whole life and now we must live with our blinders off? To drink the antidote that would rid us of all this poison that we have been consuming since we were old enough to understand what’s right and what’s wrong? The skin you’re in is not a mistake, you’re in it for a reason.

If you’re 300lbs, it doesn’t make you ugly, disgusting, less deserving of love and respect or mean that you’re five seconds from dying. Now, I’m not saying being 300lbs is healthy because it is not and losing weight would be a great option for you and would be the proper thing to do because of all the positive health benefits, but you have every right to love yourself in this state that you’re currently in and it is ok to do so. Don’t let anyone take that away from you, lose weight for yourself and no one else. The number on a scale doesn’t define you, your heart and happiness does. Be confident because you are beautiful in the skin you’re in. If you’re a member of the lgbtq+ community, it doesn’t make you gross, a disgrace, less deserving of respect and love or .2 seconds from falling into Dante’s Inferno. You’re the way you are, embrace it, love is love. You were born thinking, feeling and loving the way you do for a reason. How you live does not define you, how you treat others do. If you’re weird, lanky, all skin and bones and wear tattered clothes, none of that defines you. Someone is going to love those bones of yours and will see the person that you are on the inside. If you have depression or autism, NONE OF THESE THINGS DEFINE WHO YOU ARE AS PERSON, it just adds to the amazing human being that is you!!

We’re all beautiful in the skin that were born in, not the one that we believe we should be in. As soon as you lose the societal way of thinking, be who you are and start to love yourself, because no one is going to love you like how you’re going to love you and I mean NO ONE, then and only then will you be happy and truly live your life because you’ll realize that only you determine your own self-worth.