Why do dormant feelings rear their ugly little heads at the worst or weirdest possible times? It's normal to miss people who have been important in our lives but why now? All these feelings are doing is reinforcing in my mind that I was a coward and treated you shittily. I have no idea if you feel the same or if you understand, and I never will know because I doubt I'll ever get or make the chance to ask. I just wish I knew you were okay. Awkward as it would be, I kind of hope I'll run into you someday, just to gauge your reaction, just to try and tell you in some indirect way that I didn't just lose interest, that it was my survival instinct that kicked in and I knew it was pointless so I made a choice. I've made out to people since then that it was an easy decision, that I saw it as black and white, but it wasn't and still isn't. I've still got your number, or at least the one you had. It might have changed, who knows? Not me and I probably never will because every time I scroll past it there's that millisecond of recognition, of what one simple text could possibly achieve, before I instantly talk myself back out of it, convince myself that it's been too long, that you'll have a new number, that you probably don't care which may indeed be true. But God, I wish I could still just chat to you, disappear off and spend some time together. I guess I just hope, more than anything, that you're not thinking badly of me and maybe if I knew that was the case, I could cope with the rest.
