#adamasjace

warning: this fic discusses alec’s death so if you don’t want to read those kind of things, just scroll past this (i Know they’re immortal husbands but magnus doesn’t know that yet!!)

also, this is somehow even sadder if you have this song in mind.

There were days when Magnus just couldn’t get out of bed. The mere thought of being awake made him want to bury his head in the pillow, cover himself with the bed sheets and close his eyes hard, as if that and only that would make him stop existing. (That was sadly untrue.) There were days when everything was just so much, so unbearable, so heavy in his chest. He just couldn’t stop thinking about all those he’d loved and had died, about Camille, about his mother (and about his father, too.)

Most days he let himself rest. But today, just one look at the dark-haired shadowhunter sleeping placidly by his side, his expression perfectly serene and his chest moving at the rhythm of his breath, made him realize that he’d have to postpone that crisis. Fighting against his own body, against every limb that was today weighing more than it usually did, he got out of bed as silently as he could.

He made coffee. Sometimes it helped to deal with things. This time was an exception. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw his mother. Hundreds of years after, the fact that her face had looked finally at peace on her deathbed made shivers go down his spine. She had never looked that calm while she’d been alive. And how was he going to live knowing that the only thing that, in the end, had brought her peace, was death? A death that he himself had caused?

He swallowed his stepfather’s words with a sip of hot coffee that, hand by hand with sadness, burned his throat. But they stayed there, painful in his chest. You’re an abomination. He bit his lip. The son of the demon that had raped his mother, an abomination was the least he could be. And it hadn’t been a characteristic, an exaggerated (or not so much) way to describe a person, it had been an actual demon. (A Prince of Hell, Magnus thought.)

A small, almost invisible smile was drawn over his lips as he remembered Alexander’s words, his eyes staring deep into his own, and how their bodies felt against the other, warm and soft; and how he had hidden his face in the curve of Alexander’s neck, tears streaming down his eyes. His smile widened because he wasn’t sure what he’d done in his century-long life to deserve that man, he wasn’t even sure he deserved him, but their paths having crossed somehow was something he thanked to whatever divinity left in heaven. And then it struck him.

Alexander.

Alexander was mortal.

Alexander, sooner or later, was going to die.

It was so easy to ignore now, with the liveliness of his youth. Camille’s words resonated in his mind almost as if she were standing right there next to him; would he still love him when he was no longer young and beautiful? He liked to tell himself that he would, of course he would, he loved Alexander more than he’d ever loved himself, so why something as stupid as physical appearance would change a thing? But now, that answer was obvious when the man was just twenty. Would he still love him in his thirties? His forties? His fifties? Would he still love him with every wrinkle that would appear on his face, when his hair had gone white or when he’d gone bald? Would he be able to survive the feeling of seeing his boyfriend age and looking at himself in the mirror, discovering that his own body hadn’t changed in the slightest?

He still remembered how it had felt when they’d broken up. He had willingly taken away a part of himself for the greater good. He was still at peace with the decisions he’d taken, but he knew that in his whole lifetime he wouldn’t be able to forget the aching in his chest, his heart tearing itself apart while he walked away from the Institute, tears flooding his eyes. Even if he survived Alexander getting old, even if they both did, how was he supposed to handle the pain of him being taken away from Magnus, this time with no possibility of coming back together? He bit his lip at the memory of his boyfriend’s words, “I don’t think I can live without you.” He’d wanted so hard to say the same thing, but he couldn’t. Because he knew that, someday, he’d have to. He couldn’t see the future, but he could imagine. He shut his eyes hard at the image of Alec’s lifeless body, rubbed his face with his palms when he felt burning tears and, before he could stop himself, said out loud, “What are you doing?”

He shook his head, as if that movement could make those thoughts disappear, and finished his coffee. He’d manage. He always managed.

He heard footsteps, and he looked up. There he was, tall, handsome, and very much alive and breathing, with his eyes tired of sleep and his hair a mess, absently passing a shirt through his head. That alone was enough for the High Warlock of Brooklyn to smile. Alexander Lightwood walked through the loft, kissed his boyfriend on the cheek and, caressing his neck softly with his thumb, asked him, “Is everything okay?”

Magnus’s smile widened as he said, “Yes.”

hello!! thank you so much :) i would probably take matt of course and im not sure where!! maybe australia? i’ve always wanted to go there and he’s so funny and would make the plane ride fun im sure :)

URL: i don’t get it || cute || awesome! || so jealous || ALEC LIGHTWOOD ICON: not my fandom || cute || awesome! || literally amazing || JACE HERONDALE DESKTOP THEME: kinda confusing || cute || awesome! || amazinggg omg || MAGNUS BANE MOBILE THEME: okay || cute || awesome! || perfection || SIMON LEWIS POSTS: okay || cute || awesome! || gorgeous || ISABELLE LIGHTWOOD OVERALL: great blog || literally blog goals || im jealous omg || CLARY FRAY FOLLOWING: no, love you though!! || i’m so glad i am now :) || yep || mutuals forever EXTRA COMMENT: you’re literally one of the sweetest people ever and i absolutely love your blog & your color palette edits are GORGEOUS

already answered it here!

your blog: ew / nonono / cute / great / flawless / OH EM GEE

mini compliment bc why not: lynds you’re amazing and ur edits are wonderful n i love them and also i love u :’)

thank you so much

Icon : okay | good | great | amazing | flawless (WOAH)URL : okay | good | great | amazing | flawless Theme : okay | good | great | amazing | flawless Posts : okay | good | great | amazing | flawless Overall :  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | ∞ One thing I love: I love your theme, it’s so pretty and youre gifs are really good too!!!

im gonna cry when I read it aren’t I

latinoamérica - calle 13

yoshimi battles the pink robots pt 1 - the flaming lips

que no, que no - las taradas

durazno sangrando - invisible

spectrum - florence + the machine

ex’s and oh’s - elle king (this song is a bop ok don’t judge me)